STORY: The Way of Ven

Mar 17, 2009 00:01

Inspired by vengeful being typo'd as vengegul, which is arguably the best accidentally-created evil overlord name ever. ORIGINAL FICTION, ZOMG. Run awaaaayyyyyy!

TITLE: The Way of Ven
RATING: PG.
WARNINGS: CRAAACK. OCs. The use of every fantasy cliche I could think of at midnight. Gay peoples AND straight peoples. This was written REALLY REALLY fast, so I'm not even sure if it makes sense, woo.
SUMMARY: People have to live up to their names, even if they're obviously mistakes.

The Way of Ven

Vengegul had not, in fact, spawned from the earth as evil incarnate. He’d had two very loving parents, but a very foolish mother with horrible handwriting. What was supposed to be Van Rajul had looked like Vengegul, and really, with a name like that, what was he supposed to do? Through knight school it was practically a universally acknowledged belief that Vengegul would turn into an evil overlord of some sort.

Of course, this didn’t turn terrible for him until he hit puberty, at which point he realized not only was he was a little bit gay, but also a bit of a pacifist, but the true horror was the fact he was now 6’5” and the armory refused to sell him anything not black iron. Anything that wasn’t a dark shade was immediately remade, as if they thought the tailor had messed up and now the terrible Vengegul would be mad and have his revenge if the green shirt he wanted was standard green instead of dark-as-the-flames-of-hell-itself green. Plus, he was a sunny blond with light green eyes and a healthy tan, which didn’t do for an evil overlord at all, apparently.

When he was knighted, the shield they gave him was pitch black and had one dark green eye glowering at anyone that looked at it. Since he’d been raised polite, he said thank you even if he hated it. Naturally, this sent everyone running.

It was expected for him to go off into the wilderness and learn some sort of dark arts, so Vengegul went into the wilderness. He didn’t learn any dark arts, though - he stole some normal clothing (which he left money for) and was practically the great hero of a little village he found in the woods that was happy to have a strapping young man around to lift heavy things for them. Really, life was rather wonderful while he was supposed to be training himself to be even more evil than he supposedly was.

But of course it was when he was genuinely happy and at his most vulnerable that he showed up. Prince Lius of Snowdon had the same good tan as Vengegul, but had dashing chestnut hair and merry brown eyes, and was apparently very happy to stay in the village, since the evil overlord he was hunting was apparently so cunning that Lius hadn’t heard a single maniacal laugh the whole time he’d been in the forest.

“Fancy that,” Vengegul said. “You must be really bored, then.”

“You have no idea,” Prince Lius replied with a groan, and stretched enough for Vengegul (going by Ven) to see the very impressive muscles the prince had, just slightly more toned than his own. “Want to make out?”

“Okay,” Vengegul said, and that was how things continued for the four months until a parade of knights showed up in search of Prince Lius’ body and vengeance over the evil Vengegul.

“I swear I’m not evil,” Vengegul said fiercely, hiding behind one of the old women brandishing a pan at Lius, ho was scowling and nodding along with his words. He was still missing his coat and a boot, but at least his pants were fully laced, unlike Lius’.

“Oh, I know that,” Lius said, and managed to toss the old woman (Mrs. Keeper, who made delicious to the point of orgasmic warm bread for them every Thursday) aside and set Vengegul’s loose shirt on fire.

He’d wonder for years if it had been an attempt at an act of mercy, that Vengegul simply ran screaming and doused himself in the nearby stream while the knights congratulated the Prince on an evil overlord well dispatched and headed back to whatever sunny place they were from.

It was while he stood in that stream, hair charred and feet one-booted, that Vengegul had an epiphany. They would never stop seeing him as Vengegul the Evil Person. After this, even most of the people he’d lifted heavy things for would be squeaking and running away when he approached, smile and wildflowers for them or not. There was no way to escape his name.

So, Vengegul walked back into the town, shirtless and sopping wet, and smiled at the people still outside. “Would it be okay if I subjugated you?” he asked.

“What’s that mean?” Mrs. Keeper asked.

Vengegul shrugged. “It just means I’d be in charge of you, really. Fight things to take care of you all, raise taxes to improve things here and in other subjugated villages that may need additional help, that sort of stuff.” He paused. “You’d have to act like I’m evil, though.”

Mr. Keeper, who happened to be the mayor, frowned for a moment before nodding, scratching at his chin. “Doesn’t sound bad.” He nodded again, and shook Vengegul’s hand. “Alright then. Consider us subjugated.”

Vengegul beamed at him. “Excellent. Now, I don’t suppose I could pay some of you to help me build an ominous black tower nearby?”

It worked very, very well, actually.

He had almost the entire forest under his subjugating wing before the first knight showed up. Vengegul was busy tending his garden on the top of his ominous tower (there were good walls so that suspicious do-gooders wouldn’t see it) when the man - this one was blond like him - stormed onto the roof, sword out. He stared at Vengegul, now clad in some comfortable brown pants and a nice blue shirt, watering can in hand, for a good while.

Vengegul cleared his throat. “Could you hand me that trowel next to you?” The man handed it over wordlessly, and Vengegul beamed at him. “Thank you. Now, would you like to stay for dinner?”

Sir Kerrey stayed for dinner, during which they found they got along incredibly well. Kerrey had been particularly surprised by the trees in the lower courtyard, not to mention the quality of life in all the pleasantly subjugated lands. Vengegul invited him to stay as a corrupted and relatively evil but redeemable knight who’d fallen under the evil overlord’s spell, and Sir Kerrey was more than happy to join him. He was straight, which was a shame, but it was nice to have Sir Kerrey The Not-Terribly-Malicious But We Call Him That Anyway around (Sir Kerry the Malicious to outsiders). He made great apple pie. People started saying they were actually long lost brothers, which was just plain silly considering Kerrey had the pale overlord skin that Vengegul had never been able to achieve, along with the long skinny nose thing.

With Kerrey around, the subjugating went even better. Their territory moved out of the forest and very quickly went through the mountains, considering the wealthier villages’ taxes went almost immediately into helping them get a better quality of life and better medical training for the local midwives. The schools that popped up from it - called themselves colleges of all things - were a welcome surprise, and a secret that Vengegul made sure was well-kept.

When the sixth do-gooder showed up (Kerrey had panicked and killed two and three, four was now living happily as a shepherd, and five was their very happy bookkeeper with a baby on the way), it was Prince Lius of Snowdon with a female elf warrior on one side and a burly peasant that’d fallen into soldiering through a series of incredibly unbelievable events.

Sir Kerrey frowned at them from the apple tree they were currently sitting in, gaze going from the questers (Kerrey, apparently, could tell there was a quest coming along from miles away) to Vengegul and then back. “You know these people?”

Vengegul frowned and shrugged. “Ex-boyfriend.”

“Ouch,” Kerrey said sympathetically, wincing with the word. “What do you want to do?”

Vengegul thought back the two years it had been since he’d seen Lius, of his shirt catching on fire and the chain of events it had started. He thought of the epiphany he’d had. All of this on his mind, he turned to Sir Kerrey The Not-Terribly-Malicious But We Call Him That Anyway, and grinned, hopping out of the apple tree. “I’m going to be evil for once. Ask the Wilsons to shut the windows in the audience chamber, and see if the Shepherdsons would be willing to take down all the decorations please.”

Sir Kerrey nodded and hopped down with him, heading inside. “I’ll make everything as ominous as possible,” he promised.

“I want you looking ominous with me,” Vengegul said pointedly. “Try to tarnish up your armor before you stand to the left of my throne looking evil.”

“Yes, overlord,” Kerrey grumbled, and Vengegul went inside to change into his old dark armor and somber-colored clothes, setting a blood-red cloak on his shoulders before finding a scrap bit of iron he could bend into a crown-ish shape and plunking it on his head, ruffling his hair up and doing his best to glower and stride and loom as best he could as he headed into the audience chamber (which was now the throne room, he guessed).

He was impressed with what he saw - the windows were shuttered, alternating dark colors of torn cloth over them to give a rather creepy air to the room. The tall chair he usually sat on was swathed in dark fabrics he didn’t know the tower even hand, and Sir Kerrey was beaming at him proudly in what looked like tarnished armor, broadsword in the crook of one arm and heavy face-obscuring helmet in the other. There were even dark iron torches they’d found somewhere.

Vengegul found himself turning around, eyes wide. The torn cloth was supposed to go under the windows - they were technically streamers that they pulled out for Midwinter celebrations - and he didn’t know how they’d managed to get the dark tapestry Mrs. Gideon had woven for him as a joke (it was his shield symbol but nearly twenty feet squared; she was very dedicated to her sense of humor) over the chair.

“Ominous enough for you?” Sir Kerrey said smugly.

“I’m intimidated,” Vengegul said gleefully, and draped himself as in as intimidating a manner as he could manage on the throne. “Okay, now we just wait for Mr. Racker to run in, you smack him-”

“Yes, I remember the plan, Ven,” Kerrey said irritably, and Vengegul would have frowned at him if Mr. Racker hadn’t decided to run in. It took quite a bit of effort to not look stunned at how…lackey-like he appeared.

“My lords! My lords! The prince and his companions-” Mr. Racker said in a very good bit of acting, Prince Lius and his companions rounding the corner just in time for the end of the dialogue.

“Silence, fool!” Sir Kerrey said, and fake-slapped Mr. Racker, who did an impressive job of being fake-slapped, practically skidding across the floor. Vengegul nearly lurched out of the chair to go check on him, but Kerrey was still going on in his little speech. “Remember your place, and who you speak to!”

“Leave that man alone!” Lius said in a predictable manner, striding forward with his companions flanking him.

“Lius,” Vengegul said, and apparently his voice was dark and purr-ish enough that even Kerrey glanced at him in surprise. “It’s so nice to see you again. Who’d you bring along with you?” Lius looked appropriately flabbergasted at his old boyfriend, and since it seemed like the others were going to let the prince do all the talking, Vengegul spread his arms and tried to think of every single thing he would never do and do it. “What, no kiss hello? I’d think after our…fiery goodbye that you’d be equally as passionate now.”

Lius was blushing, and Vengegul heard a stifled choke of laughter from inside Kerrey’s big helmet. “You…you be quiet about that!”

“You were never very good at being quiet when we were together, so why should I have to be?” Vengegul said, a bit horrified at the fact he was talking about this stuff in front of strangers, let alone Mr. Racker, who treated him like a nephew. Lius was still just sputtering, hand going to his sword and then back to pointing at Vengegul, only for it to return to the sword.

“Shall I dispatch them for you, my lord?” Kerrey growled, shifting his grip on the broadsword, and Vengegul held up a hand just a tiny bit, which clearly made him so powerful that it had Sir Kerrey The Malicious backing down with a strong bow. “Forgive my impertinence, I merely wished to please you.”

“You will be punished later,” Vengegul said dryly, wondering why people could ever seriously act like this. He stood up as dramatically as he could, and took a step towards the companions. They actually stepped back. It wasn’t in the script, but he was so stunned that he took another step forward. They took another step back.

He couldn’t help it. He laughed. He laughed hard and loud, and it sent the destined commoner running out of the hall, the elf behind him fast enough. When Lius made to run, Kerrey was faster, grabbing him by the shoulders.

“The…the dungeons,” Vengegul said, wiping a tear of mirth from his eye, and Kerrey managed a brisk salute before dragging Prince Lius down into their makeshift dungeon. It was actually the wine cellar, but they’d managed to clear it out well enough. Luckily it had a lock on it already, so Sir Kerrey could just shove him in and lock the door, and if Lius wondered why there was so much wine around in the hall, well, Vengegul was an evil overlord and could do whatever he wanted, including store wine in hallways.

After leaving him in there for two days, during which Kerrey had to grab him and steer him away from the wine cellar at least thirteen times, Vengegul put on his newest evil-looking outfit (the tower staff was worryingly enthusiastic about the whole act and the seamstresses had decided to deck him out as ominously as possible) and headed down to see him. He shuffled his feet outside for a while, not quite sure if he could actually look at Lius and still be Vengegul The Evil Overlord instead of Ven The Surprisingly Pleasant Reciever And Dispenser of Tax Money In A Refreshingly Sensible Way. He did manage it, though, slamming the door open and sliding inside after closing it behind him. “Prince Lius,” he said in a reasonably dark manner.

Lius scowled at him. “I should have known you’d turn out evil in the end, with a name like that.” He actually looked hurt. “I never actually thought you were evil.”

“Then why the elf and the fighter? Why’d you show up ready to kill me?!”

Lius took a deep breath. “I…I heard about Sir Kerrey the Malicious, and I was.” He blushed. “Well, I was worried about you, with an actually evil person hanging onto you. I told them you’d been cursed by him and that I knew you were a good person and we could save you, bring you back to the light, but.” He scowled. “But I hadn’t known you were actually evil. If I’d have known that I would have brought more knights instead of a holy elf and an up-and-coming destined commoner. Facing a Vengegul is a lot more dangerous than facing a Kerrey.”

Vengegul looked down at the floor, and blushed.

“Oh my god, you’re not evil are you,” Lius said, sounding both amazed and horrified. “Oh god, no! They’ll run back and tell everyone how terrifying you are and they really will send a whole company of knights after you, and you’ll die and be dead and this is horrible! Why did you act evil?!”

Vengegul sighed, sloping down onto the ground and frowning up at Lius. “You dumped me. I was mad.”

“I didn’t dump you, I saved your life by setting your shirt on fire and left you in the hopes you’d find some happiness less dangerous than a life with me!”

He wanted to stay mad, and he had reasons to be mad, and he knew it wasn’t anywhere in the script, but Vengegul smiled up wistfully at Lius and his merry brown eyes and chestnut hair. “Lius, would you do me the honor of being my enslaved consort?”

Lius stared at him, and Vengegul was blushing again, on his knees. “I know I don’t have much, just a nation of happy not-quite-subjugated subjects and a booming economy and a secret center of culture and arts and learning in the mountains that I know you’d love, their bread’s brilliant, but I’d love you and-”

“Oh, Ven!” Lius cried, and flung himself into Vengegul’s arms. “I hadn’t even dared to dream of being your enslaved consort, but yes! Yes, please, oh, I love you!”

Which was how Vengegul the Evil Overlord got the title of Prince-In-Law of Snowdon and supposedly started up a slave trade in his ever-expanding territories. After Lius had a quiet but strong talk with his father, Vengegul had not-really-subjugated Snowdon too, which was particularly smart since the tiny country was having trouble with enormous amounts of embezzlement in the nobility.

Further attempts came at Vengegul, but considering he owned an entire contingent of knights from Snowdon (and those trained in the not-very-secret-anymore Secret City) around, they were captured and given the option of conversion to The Way of Ven or a polite escort back to the very disputable border. When the holy elf came back, she ended up converting and actually marrying Sir Kerrey.

“I think we should stop actually asking people if they’d like to be not-really-subjugated,” Vengegul said with a frown two years after not-quite-marrying-but-not-quite-enslaving Lius, looking at the map that had a very, very large blot of yellow land with the words This Is What’s Technically Yours, Ven scribbled into the center. It became an executive decision, even, but the yellow Technically Yours, Ven area just kept getting concerningly bigger. Apparently, people actually wanted to be technically his, and he couldn’t do anything to stop them.

The biggest problem was that, even after all this time, Vengegul still didn’t want to be an Evil Overlord. He wasn’t Evil, period. He was happy with what he’d made, sure, but he already had everything he wanted. A wonderful not-quite-husband-but-not-quite-love slave, a fantastic best friend and best friend-in-law, and what was practically an army of people that cared about him.

“If you give up on them now, it’ll all fall apart,” Kerrey said from the other side of the map. “The Way of Ven has gotten out. People want it, like it, and want to have it even if you don’t want to give it anymore.” He let out a sigh. “I didn’t want a country either, you know.”

Vengegul was determined to really really not have a country to rule for the rest of his entire life, so he adopted a toddler-aged orphan and, with a thousand apologies to him and the heavens above, named him Morvolda.

“She’ll take my place some day,” Vengegul told Lius that night, staring at the sunny little girl and her blonde-red hair as she toddled around, staring at things with her bright green eyes, and grinned at him. “Morvolda will be the greatest Not Actually Evil Overlord to ever grace this world.”

Lius watched her teeter on over to Kerrey’s little girl Jack (there’d been a bit of a mix-up thanks to half-elves being unique and Kerrey’s frantic flailing over both wife and child), and smiled. “Second-best.”

“Oh, no. Best,” Vengegul said firmly, and for the most part lived happily for what could arguably have been ever after.
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