Skeletons Coming Out Of The Closet [Open To Zack]

[silver_soldier]

"I...guess we've been keeping a lot of things from each other, huh?"Sephiroth shrugged slightly, feeling the movement shift his wing. It was his turn not to be able to meet Zack's eyes now, the first time in memory he could recall being ashamed enough about something to warrant such a tactic where his best friend was involved. "I suppose it depends

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[silver_soldier]

"Long story short, I didn't know." Sephiroth rubbed his temple. He could hear his friend trying to sound neutral as he spoke, and just as clearly could hear the faint hurt in his voice. How to explain...?

"Ansem captured me and started his experiments on me, just before the fall of Hollow Bastion, when he discovered me in his laboratory under the castle. I may or may not have mentioned as much before. But what he discovered me doing was reading notes on an infant he'd experimented on years ago, a random orphan he'd picked because there was no family to ask questions, a child he injected with darkness and then kept an eye on as he grew up. I'm sure I don't need to spell it out." He ran a hand through his hair absently; he felt curiously numb, and saw no reason not to lay everything before Zack; how much worse could it get, after all? "You may as well know that Ansem credited the darkness for all the physical and mentral prowess his specimen exhibited; he even theorized it might have affected hair and eye color, although he never bothered to find out. But it went further than that; it was important for Ansem to keep his experiment - " Even now, Sephiroth couldn't quite bring himself to say 'me'. " - close at hand. So, before his specimen could possibly go off and find a direction in life that might put him beyond Ansem's sight, Ansem made sure he was pushed in the direction of signing up into the military. And once his specimen was in the military, he made sure he was promoted...until Ansem actually created a high rank for him, right beneath him where Ansem could keep an eye on him."

Sephiroth rubbed a hand roughly over his eyes - they were dry, but they ached all the same. "I was burning the notes that detailed all that when Ansem caught me. They, more than anything else, were my reason for leaving Hollow Bastion, but it's a hell of a thing to have to tell people. I'd almost prefer to be a deserter."

[twilight_dark]

So he didn't remember. That, Zack could understand. Cloud had the same problem, didn't he? It made him wonder if there was anything in his past that he'd blocked out. He certainly didn't like the thought, though he wasn't presumttuous enough to believe he'd somehow been strong enough to remember everything. Still, even if there was something, how would he have any way of finding out? Any records were probably long gone--and maybe he was better off not knowing.

"Cloud doesn't remember anything, either," Zack said, figuring it was as good at time as any to point that out to his friend. "He went through a lot of the same experiments that I did--I know because I was right there with him--but I guess it was so long ago and during the whole thing we were half-conscious anyway..." It was troubling, though, that Cloud didn't know. Zack felt that it might be his right to tell him, but how...?

So Sephiroth had been manipulated into the military. How could that be? It was the perfect occupation for him... Then again, maybe he'd been melded in such a way that it would be. Zack thought back to his own reasons for joining--basically, because he'd needed something to do. It was only after plunging in headfirst that he realized he had a knack for combat.

Zack noticed how he said "him" instead of "me." The whole thing must have been really hard on Sephiroth, then. Not that Zack blamed him. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, his wing twitching slightly. "This is all so screwed up," he grumbled. But at least he wasn't being left in the dark anymore. He ignored the irony of that thought.

[silver_soldier]

"It is," Sephiroth agreed, quite emphatically. "Bad enough to have served under someone you find out wasn't worth your loyalty, or even to find out that he wasn't worth it for all the time you'd known him; but finding out that everything in your life was built on lies..." It went beyond the feeling of having merely been tricked, then. It became a self-doubt so immense that there was simply no way of reconciling it - there was nothing in Sephiroth's life, even now so long after leaving Ansem behind, that he could feel certain of having accomplished with his own skill. Even his own body was a tool of Ansem's, using its darkness to do what Sephiroth would never know whether or not he could have achieved otherwise.

"I remember the experiments Ansem did on me as an adult clearly enough. I was too young to remember anything the first time around, however."

[twilight_dark]

Zack had never given it enough thought before - of how thoroughly their kind had betrayed them. He'd always reminded himself that he hadn't always been that way. At one point he'd been a good man who cared about his people. But apparently he'd been doing this so many years beforehand, even. It was hard to take. One part felt he should be hated completely for it. Another wondered if maybe he'd started his experimentation with thoughts of accomplishing something good.

"Right," he responded, obviously distracted by his thoughts now. Eventually, however, he grounded himself and finally turned his head to make contact with eyes that might not be a natural shade. "But we're passed all that now. We lead our own ways." Sometimes he missed the military. At other points, he realized that now he was free to do what he wished and nothing was holding him back. He could even join up again if he wanted.

He paused, sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. "...We should go back at some point, you know." It... had been so long, but he knew it had to happen.

[silver_soldier]

"But we're past all that now."

Sephiroth glanced over at Zack, momentarily forgetting his unease in his kneejerk astonishment. He was far too close to the matter to be objective, he knew that, and even if Zack had been as affected by all of this as Sephiroth was, his friend was naturally a more easygoing personality. And there was always the possibility that he was as uncomfortable discussing this as Sephiroth was, and was trying (somewhat tactlessly) to change the subject.

But having his entire life manipulated by the king he'd devoted that life to serving wasn't something he had gotten past yet; he wasn't sure it was possible to get past something of that magnitude at all. And for Zack, of all people, to apparently not just miss the significance of something it had taken all of Sephiroth's resolve to tell him but to tell him he was over it...

Sephiroth probably wouldn't have been offended even if he had felt less numb than he did at the moment; they had been apart for over a decade and apparently they had both changed distinctly, given that Zack obviously didn't know how to read him as well as he once had been able to, and Sephiroth could hardly hold that against his friend. But still...it wasn't as though he could possibly agree with that assessment, was it?

"Oh, really," he said, his voice neutral and his eyes, for a moment, closing off to reveal the impassive look he'd used to wear in the military when either giving or receiving news he hadn't liked. "Good to have that cleared up, then." It wasn't exactly an active rebuke, and there was no anger in it, but Zack couldn't miss the disapproval. Just because the naïve assumption hadn't actively pissed Sephiroth off didn't mean he'd let Zack get away with believing he'd been correct.

Fortunately, Sephiroth moved on to the second, almost as controversial (if for entirely different reasons) statement rather than dwelling on that. "I'm not sure that would be a good idea, at least for my own part. The only obstacle in your way is whether you can handle seeing the place again; for me, I was widely reviled as a traitor and deserter. Even if I chose to go back, there's no guarantee I'd be welcome there."

[twilight_dark]

Apparently that had been taken the completely wrong way. Sephiroth, judging by the way he reacted, seemed to think that he thought the situation was over with and didn't need to be thought about anymore. It wasn't that, though he could understand the miscommunication problem. He sighed and shook his head.

"That's not what I meant," he grunted, standing from the bed to go lean against the wall. It wasn't because he was upset, but he'd rather be in a position where he could make proper eye contact with his friend. "I mean that Ansem is gone now. He can't control us anymore. Sure, we've suffered because of him, but..." He sighed as he tried to think of the proper way to get the message across. "We're at least able to face what happened to some extent--we're not comfortable, but we're not denying it ever happened. And now, if we wanted, we could do our best to make sure that what happened to us doesn't happen to anyone else."

Maybe that was what he wanted now. And that's why... "That's why maybe I should suck it up and go back already. And Seph? Its been years. I think they're looking for all the help they can get and no one can deny that you're an amazing soldier." He flashed a sincere smile at the other man. "I'd be proud to serve under you again."

[silver_soldier]

"I'd be proud to serve under you again."

A relatively simple statement, but it was enough to wash away Sephiroth's annoyance so thoroughly it was as if it had never been there. Even after admitting that there was every chance he'd been given his position as General for reasons that had nothing to do with his qualifications for the job, even after telling Zack how thoroughly the darkness was a part of him...Zack wouldn't just be willing to work under his command again, he'd be proud to do so.

It meant a lot. So much so that Sephiroth had to look away, discomfited for entirely different reasons than before, as he tried to marshal his thoughts enough to say something coherent. In the end, he had to settle for something as simple as "Thank you, Zack."

In the end, he had to almost forcibly turn his thoughts to other matters. "The citizens of Hollow Bastion not necessarily wanting me to return is a pressing reason not to go back," he said eventually, "but it's not the only thing that's prevented me from returning. You know that wouldn't have kept me away if I'd truly wanted to be there."

[twilight_dark]

The hesitance Sephiroth went through this time was different than before. That much Zack could tell. He hadn't realized that admitting his loyalty would affect his friend so strongly, but the more he thought about it, the more he could understand. Their whole relationship as soldiers could have been through out of balance by everything Sephiroth had revealed, but Zack didn't see it that way.

Even if Sephiroth had been molded to fit the position of general, what they had gone through together as brothers-in-arms had been real. The circumstances had caused both of them to meet. It was a bit shaking, to think that there was a chance they never would have known each other if Ansem hadn't put so much interest into Sephiroth's life.

What, was he supposed to be thankful toward the former king for making sure they'd met?

Zack decided there was no point in thinking over it so much--it didn't matter how it happened, it simply mattered that it had happened. "You're welcome."

He frowned, not quite following. "What else, then?"

[silver_soldier]

Sephiroth ran a hand through his hair. "Probably the same reasons why you haven't gone back," he replied with a slight shrug. "After what I went through in Ansem's experiments, I just wanted to get as far away from Hollow Bastion as I possibly could. I didn't ever want to have to remember what happened. And with what I learned from Ansem's notes, it's not just the experiments that I want to forget...knowing that everything I've done, everything I've ever accomplished, is the product of the manipulations of a man who went on to destroy almost everything I ever cared about? It's not something I can ever stop thinking about, but at least when I'm not in Hollow Bastion I can think about it less." He sighed. "It's hard to explain, but you of all people should know what I mean."

[twilight_dark]

"Of course I know what you mean," Zack said quietly. It was a tone that wasn't often used--withdrawn and a little too introverted for someone like Zack. He gave a small shake of his head and heaved a sigh, leaning further into the wall. It felt nice on his back.

"There's a reason I haven't been back yet." Cloud had made it; so had Aerith. He and Sephiroth were one of the only ones that hadn't made the trip back. Then again, they had the heaviest baggage. "I'm still not sure if I'm ready to brave it, but..." He motioned to the room, but obviously seemed to be gesturing beyond it. "With the state of things now, the war isn't looking that great. Setting up some organization to inform refugees is nice enough, but I feel like I could be a much better help. I shouldn't be throwing my skills to waste, not when I could be helping to clean up the mess he made."

And no, he didn't need to specify who 'he' was.

[silver_soldier]

Sephiroth hated it when Zack was right like that. There were times, like now, when he suspected that Zack was a far better specimen of a human being than he was, and he wasn't sure whether he was resentful or jealous.

Whichever the case, the simple fact of the matter was that Sephiroth couldn't justify holding himself to a lower standard than what Zack held himself to. If Zack went back, so would he; his feelings about the matter might be complicated but that fact was simple enough.

"You're right," he said, repressing a sigh. "I justified all those years at the Coliseum to myself as my getting stronger, so that one day I could go back and take on Ansem. And then, when Ansem was gone and I found out more of what had happened on Hollow Bastion after I left, I distracted myself by searching for you. They were reasonable goals but I expect I was simply avoiding what I knew I should do...and not even admitting to myself that was what I was doing. I'm sure I could find a dozen other excuses not to go back, legitimate ones, but I don't think I could continue to justify it to myself even if I wanted to."

[twilight_dark]

What Zack truly loved was when he managed to get through to Sephiroth. Sometimes, as smart and capable as his friend was, he could be really thickheaded about things. Granted, he definitely had his reasons and probably could keep justifying staying away if he wanted to, but that wasn't the point.

Smiling, he pushed away from the wall and stepped back over to the bed, standing before Sephiroth as he clapped his hand on his shoulder. "Hey, I did the same thing. I focused on looking for you and Cloud and Aerith, ignoring the fact that some of you probably had gone back to Hollow Bastion, but now that I know you're all safe, what other excuse do I have?"

Spinning around, he sat back down next to Sephiroth. His arm twitched and he felt like he should place it around his friend's shoulders, but--probably not a good idea.

"We'll be fine if we go back together," he offered reassuringly. "We might even get cheered as we step inside." Grinning, he shrugged. It was a nice thought, if nothing else.

[silver_soldier]

"I wouldn't get your hopes up too high," Sephiroth warned his friend, but there was a hint of a wry smirk around his mouth that took some of the weight out of his words. "It's just as likely we'll be stoned." The former general rested his own hand on Zack's shoulder briefly in a return gesture - one that said a lot of things very quickly and much more eloquently than he could - as the wry grin went from hint to reality. "But at least we'll have company."

[twilight_dark]

"I'll just hide behind you. You're the big bad general. Stones would just deflect off of you, right?" Zack was grinning like a fool. It was hardly a joking matter, but in his twenty-six years he'd come to the realization that laughing one's way through hard times was usually the best way to deal with it. Things passed and got better - and in general, life wasn't something to mourn over.

"Company?" Cocking his head to the side, his mouth twitched into an unsure smile. "You mean each other?" Maybe they'd convince some others to come with. He wasn't sure if he'd want to drag both Cloud and Aerith along, but maybe one could come along?

He vaguely wondered if Leon would ever make the trip, though it wasn't exactly his business.

[silver_soldier]

"Who else?" Sephiroth let his hand drop again, still grinning slightly. "Of course, it sounds like you're taking me along more as a riot shield than as a companion..." He considered ruffling Zack's hair before deciding against it. His friend could be touchy about that sometimes.

It was strange. His situation hadn't exactly improved; if anything, it had gotten worse, given that he'd committed to returning to a place he didn't want to go where he was most likely not to be welcome. But he was currently in a better mood than he'd been in a long time. Quite a lot of that could probably be attributed to Zack, and to their comfortably familiar banter that always seemed to ease a bit of the stress, but Sephiroth also suspected that part of him - like an old warhorse - was genuinely eager to get back on the front lines of the war in some way or another.

And there was also the possibility that his conscience was finally starting to rest easier knowing that he was finally going to start doing everything he was capable of against the Heartless.

[twilight_dark]

Zack looked mock offended, placing a hand over his mouth as his eyes widened slightly. "What are you implying? I would never do anything like that!"

After a moment, he chuckled and shook his head. "Seriously, though. It'll be good to do it together. I don't think I could manage it otherwise." Maybe if he went with Cloud, considering he and the blond had escaped together. Though they had been split up at the end, when things had become truly chaotic. It was odd - even though that had taken place so many years ago, Zack could still remember it so clearly. He got the feeling things would be similar to the time he spent with Axel.

He'd never forget the way he'd stressed his name.

"So, what now?" he asked, stretching out his legs as he sighed.