: : 6 degrees of crispy bacon : :
♫ Our House - Madness
♦ So like, is anyone else sick of ham? Yesterday we had a picnic brunch party at the beach with all you could eat... Orange and vanilla glazed ham, Tomatoes with Catalan toast and raw ham, Pesto, ham & capsicum picnic cob ham, Ham with tomato ham and marjorham pies, Asparagus, ham and fontina cheese ham omelet with ham, Ham & with ham & ham... Oy vey! It's the same after every Christmukkah. Next year, I'm goin' cold turkey! ::wavers already&::
Since I'm leavin' this afternoon for my new & improved life, my immediate family gathered last night for a farewell meal. We had Seafood! Yippeekayay! But before the dinner gong chimed, I took time to teach my brother how to swing dance. How sad is that?! He's just broken up with his girlfriend & for some weird reason, he thinks the retro dance craze is his ticket to ladysville. Told him they're more likely to throw him from the train if he goes 'round usin' words like ladysville. ::burns jockstrap::
To no-one's surprise, he's a natural. Better than me in fact. I reckon he's been watchin' all them dance shows on the idiot box 'cuz he nailed the moves in an instant, once he stopped goofin' off & took it seriously. The lesson did not end well, however:
me: Say sorry.
Bray::in headlock:: What for?
mom: Luca, leave your brother alone.
me: Not until he apologizes.
Aunt Liss: He's turning blue.
me: Teach him for callin' me names.
Bray: I did not call him names. It's all in fatty boombahs mind.
V-CHIP ACTIVATED
Bray: Owww! Mu-umm!
me: I demand... ::dad, with melon::
dad: You demand what?
me: That rockmelon?
dad: Nope, it's kantaloupe. I stole it!
mom::tut tuts:: You'll never be a Sydneysider, Zane.
me: The kion's in kafrica kill kantaloupe!
Bray: It's spelt with a C, nucklehead!
me: Huh?
Bray: For your journal.
me: Woah, META!
dad: Ain't you meant to showin' him some moves?
me: I'm famished, how long till dinner?
Bray: Oww! Get off my foot you big, blond freak!
me::releases Bray:: Looked in the mirror lately He-Man?
Bray: That's rich. ::rubs neck:: Gay boys & mirrors are made for each other. It isn't natural.
me: Natural? With Dan it's 2 against 1. You're outnumbered straight boy!
mom: Good heavens, he's only 3 months old. How can you possibly tell that?
me: All I'm sayin' is when Dan's a teenager, one day I'll catch him havin' sex with my boyfriend & we'll all go on Jerry Springer & throw chairs at the audience.
dad: That's cool! We've already got a bi one & straight one, may as well complete the set!
Liss: There's a good chance of that.
me: Told 'ya!
mom: Don't encourage him, Liss.
Liss: It's true! Your body remembers the number of boys you've had & spikes the embryo with hormones. It's nature's way of maintaining a balance. That's why so many gay men have exaggerated male features; big hands, big nose...
me: You forgot the most important one!
Bray: In your dreams, Buckaroo ::waves pinkie:: Bonsai
mom: But Luc's my 1st born, with a cute little nose!
me: Hey, I gotta noble Norse nose!
Liss: Yes, well, I don't know, he could be a special case.
Bray: Ah ha ha! Special!
me: Don't you dare...
Bray::sings:: Theee... wheels on the bus go round & round - Oww!
::dinner gong sounds::
If I had any sense, I woulda' bolted there 'n then & not be led like a lamb to the slaughter. So what if I'm comfortable with my sex life. When did it become au fait to chat over dinner about who what I do in my spare time? It's curious that we never make smalltalk about the usual things. Instead it's somthin' like:
♦ Nazis, sperm & polar bears. Oh well, it beats religion & politics!
Liss: So Luc, which is it you prefer, exactly? Men or women?
me: What kinda' question's that?
Bray: I think he wishes he was gay, but then he sees a pretty girl walk by & that idea goes out the window!
me: There might be some truth to that. It only matters to me & my lovers but I ain't afraid of where my heart leads.
dad: Hey, remember that heart 2 heart we had on the harbor bridge after you took up with that boy?
mom: Nathan.
me: Course I do. You thought right there, I'd decided which team to play for.
dad: And I asked if you were okay with that?
me: Yep, I said 'Don't worry, this ain't the Tallahatchie Bridge & I ain't Billy Joe McAllister!'
dad: Ah-ha-ha, you surely did! That's when I knew you'd be alright.
me: I'm made of indestructible!
Liss: You didn't answer my question.
me: And I won't.
At this point, Brando runnin' interference proved welcome, even if I couldn't resist teasin' him about his latest failed romance. Not that the conversation were in any danger of veerin' away from sex & that I didn't mind.
Bray: Luc, what's big, white, straight one minute & gay the next?
me: Frosty the Blowman?
Bray: A bi-polar bear!
me: Is that some jibe about my southpaw sexuality?
Bray::sighs:: Yes Luc, it's always about you.
me: So why did your girlfriend dump you?
Bray: She didn't. We agreed to take a break, that's all..
me: Is it 'cuz you were conceived in Cortina while she were conceived in the back of one??
mom: Luca, don't be such a boar.
me: Is it 'cuz she caught you... flattenin' her batteries?!
Bray ::glares:: Real funny dude.
me: Is it 'cuz you gotta small dick?
Bray::fumes:: You're asking for a punch in the mouth!
me: Is it 'cuz you are a small dick?
dad: Luca...
me: I know, it's ' cuz you couldn't get it up, right? They got pills now for that 'ya know.
mom: Stop teasing Bray. He's having a rough time. You should be understanding, show some compassion.
me: What? Straight men suffer from impotence all the time. Says so on the telly.
Liss (tipsy): Gay men can be afflicted too, Luc.
mom::smiles:: If that's from personal experience Liss, then I don't think it counts!
me: Then how come I've never had sex with a gay guy who couldn't get it up?
dad: Huh - really?
Bray: Now you're just fishing
dad: Don't worry son, there's plenty more fish in the sea, just make sure you don't pick up any bad halibuts!
Everyone ::grimaces::
me: You sir, are a goofball.
Bray: Yeah dad, that's pretty rank.
dad: Ha! Attila the Pun strikes agen!
me: Ma' can I shoot him, can I? can I?
mom: Remind me again, why did I marry you... twice?
dad: You fell prey to my masculine wiles.
Liss: Hmmm, perhaps she did. It's little compensation for your unimaginative DNA though.
dad: You sayin' I got borin' sperm?
me: Ha ha! Conan the librarian!
mom: Must we discuss bodily fluids at the dinner table? Can we please talk about something nice for a change?
me: Sugar 'n Spice & all things nice! Yeah, I love Dan like a... brother, but a sister woulda' been swell.
Bray: Why? So she can kick your ass at basketball to?
me: We could always put you in a dress, you already run like a girl!
Liss: You have 3 beautiful boys, sis. Count your blessings.
mom: I know, & I do. But look at them. Bray is like his brother, they both look like their father & they all look like his father & on it goes. Sometimes I wonder if I've unwittingly been part of some Nazi eugenics program!
dad: Wow! Your mother just called us Nazis!
me: Don't mention the war...
dad: Vee shall rrule ze eirth fhor a tousn'd yiz... or undtil vee get owr arsus kick'd by ze Americans!
Liss: Why are boys so obsessed with kicking bottoms?
Bray: Und ze Russians!
mom: It's a boy thing.
me: Und ze French... O K, maybe not ze French!
dad, me & Bray: ::guffawery::
Guess this'll be the last installment from my loony family for a spell & that's probably a good thing. As much as I dearly love 'em all, I'm lookin' forward to not bein' at their beck 'n call every hour of the day. Although, with a hippy grandma in Salem & a cacophony of cousins across 10 states, my work's cut out for me out runnin' the pac. ::searches for passport::
♦ So like, is anyone else sick of ham? Yesterday we had a picnic brunch party at the beach with all you could eat... Orange and vanilla glazed ham, Tomatoes with Catalan toast and raw ham, Pesto, ham & capsicum picnic cob ham, Ham with tomato ham and marjorham pies, Asparagus, ham and fontina cheese ham omelet with ham, Ham & with ham & ham... Oy vey! It's the same after every Christmukkah. Next year, I'm goin' cold turkey! ::wavers already&::
Since I'm leavin' this afternoon for my new & improved life, my immediate family gathered last night for a farewell meal. We had Seafood! Yippeekayay! But before the dinner gong chimed, I took time to teach my brother how to swing dance. How sad is that?! He's just broken up with his girlfriend & for some weird reason, he thinks the retro dance craze is his ticket to ladysville. Told him they're more likely to throw him from the train if he goes 'round usin' words like ladysville. ::burns jockstrap::
To no-one's surprise, he's a natural. Better than me in fact. I reckon he's been watchin' all them dance shows on the idiot box 'cuz he nailed the moves in an instant, once he stopped goofin' off & took it seriously. The lesson did not end well, however:
me: Say sorry.
Bray::in headlock:: What for?
mom: Luca, leave your brother alone.
me: Not until he apologizes.
Aunt Liss: He's turning blue.
me: Teach him for callin' me names.
Bray: I did not call him names. It's all in fatty boombahs mind.
V-CHIP ACTIVATED
Bray: Owww! Mu-umm!
me: I demand... ::dad, with melon::
dad: You demand what?
me: That rockmelon?
dad: Nope, it's kantaloupe. I stole it!
mom::tut tuts:: You'll never be a Sydneysider, Zane.
me: The kion's in kafrica kill kantaloupe!
Bray: It's spelt with a C, nucklehead!
me: Huh?
Bray: For your journal.
me: Woah, META!
dad: Ain't you meant to showin' him some moves?
me: I'm famished, how long till dinner?
Bray: Oww! Get off my foot you big, blond freak!
me::releases Bray:: Looked in the mirror lately He-Man?
Bray: That's rich. ::rubs neck:: Gay boys & mirrors are made for each other. It isn't natural.
me: Natural? With Dan it's 2 against 1. You're outnumbered straight boy!
mom: Good heavens, he's only 3 months old. How can you possibly tell that?
me: All I'm sayin' is when Dan's a teenager, one day I'll catch him havin' sex with my boyfriend & we'll all go on Jerry Springer & throw chairs at the audience.
dad: That's cool! We've already got a bi one & straight one, may as well complete the set!
Liss: There's a good chance of that.
me: Told 'ya!
mom: Don't encourage him, Liss.
Liss: It's true! Your body remembers the number of boys you've had & spikes the embryo with hormones. It's nature's way of maintaining a balance. That's why so many gay men have exaggerated male features; big hands, big nose...
me: You forgot the most important one!
Bray: In your dreams, Buckaroo ::waves pinkie:: Bonsai
mom: But Luc's my 1st born, with a cute little nose!
me: Hey, I gotta noble Norse nose!
Liss: Yes, well, I don't know, he could be a special case.
Bray: Ah ha ha! Special!
me: Don't you dare...
Bray::sings:: Theee... wheels on the bus go round & round - Oww!
::dinner gong sounds::
If I had any sense, I woulda' bolted there 'n then & not be led like a lamb to the slaughter. So what if I'm comfortable with my sex life. When did it become au fait to chat over dinner about who what I do in my spare time? It's curious that we never make smalltalk about the usual things. Instead it's somthin' like:
♦ Nazis, sperm & polar bears. Oh well, it beats religion & politics!
Liss: So Luc, which is it you prefer, exactly? Men or women?
me: What kinda' question's that?
Bray: I think he wishes he was gay, but then he sees a pretty girl walk by & that idea goes out the window!
me: There might be some truth to that. It only matters to me & my lovers but I ain't afraid of where my heart leads.
dad: Hey, remember that heart 2 heart we had on the harbor bridge after you took up with that boy?
mom: Nathan.
me: Course I do. You thought right there, I'd decided which team to play for.
dad: And I asked if you were okay with that?
me: Yep, I said 'Don't worry, this ain't the Tallahatchie Bridge & I ain't Billy Joe McAllister!'
dad: Ah-ha-ha, you surely did! That's when I knew you'd be alright.
me: I'm made of indestructible!
Liss: You didn't answer my question.
me: And I won't.
At this point, Brando runnin' interference proved welcome, even if I couldn't resist teasin' him about his latest failed romance. Not that the conversation were in any danger of veerin' away from sex & that I didn't mind.
Bray: Luc, what's big, white, straight one minute & gay the next?
me: Frosty the Blowman?
Bray: A bi-polar bear!
me: Is that some jibe about my southpaw sexuality?
Bray::sighs:: Yes Luc, it's always about you.
me: So why did your girlfriend dump you?
Bray: She didn't. We agreed to take a break, that's all..
me: Is it 'cuz you were conceived in Cortina while she were conceived in the back of one??
mom: Luca, don't be such a boar.
me: Is it 'cuz she caught you... flattenin' her batteries?!
Bray ::glares:: Real funny dude.
me: Is it 'cuz you gotta small dick?
Bray::fumes:: You're asking for a punch in the mouth!
me: Is it 'cuz you are a small dick?
dad: Luca...
me: I know, it's ' cuz you couldn't get it up, right? They got pills now for that 'ya know.
mom: Stop teasing Bray. He's having a rough time. You should be understanding, show some compassion.
me: What? Straight men suffer from impotence all the time. Says so on the telly.
Liss (tipsy): Gay men can be afflicted too, Luc.
mom::smiles:: If that's from personal experience Liss, then I don't think it counts!
me: Then how come I've never had sex with a gay guy who couldn't get it up?
dad: Huh - really?
Bray: Now you're just fishing
dad: Don't worry son, there's plenty more fish in the sea, just make sure you don't pick up any bad halibuts!
Everyone ::grimaces::
me: You sir, are a goofball.
Bray: Yeah dad, that's pretty rank.
dad: Ha! Attila the Pun strikes agen!
me: Ma' can I shoot him, can I? can I?
mom: Remind me again, why did I marry you... twice?
dad: You fell prey to my masculine wiles.
Liss: Hmmm, perhaps she did. It's little compensation for your unimaginative DNA though.
dad: You sayin' I got borin' sperm?
me: Ha ha! Conan the librarian!
mom: Must we discuss bodily fluids at the dinner table? Can we please talk about something nice for a change?
me: Sugar 'n Spice & all things nice! Yeah, I love Dan like a... brother, but a sister woulda' been swell.
Bray: Why? So she can kick your ass at basketball to?
me: We could always put you in a dress, you already run like a girl!
Liss: You have 3 beautiful boys, sis. Count your blessings.
mom: I know, & I do. But look at them. Bray is like his brother, they both look like their father & they all look like his father & on it goes. Sometimes I wonder if I've unwittingly been part of some Nazi eugenics program!
dad: Wow! Your mother just called us Nazis!
me: Don't mention the war...
dad: Vee shall rrule ze eirth fhor a tousn'd yiz... or undtil vee get owr arsus kick'd by ze Americans!
Liss: Why are boys so obsessed with kicking bottoms?
Bray: Und ze Russians!
mom: It's a boy thing.
me: Und ze French... O K, maybe not ze French!
dad, me & Bray: ::guffawery::
Guess this'll be the last installment from my loony family for a spell & that's probably a good thing. As much as I dearly love 'em all, I'm lookin' forward to not bein' at their beck 'n call every hour of the day. Although, with a hippy grandma in Salem & a cacophony of cousins across 10 states, my work's cut out for me out runnin' the pac. ::searches for passport::