: : Don't send a deer to do a wolf's work : :
Santa and Prancer discuss Rudolph's return
Patriotic farmer produces star-spangled banana
Greenpeace condemns Vin Diesel as environmentally unfriendly
Psychic accurately predicts parents' disgust at career choice
Body shop releases product not based on fruit
Insecure rapper believes he's only number two
Eleven-year old declared world's oldest recorder player
Critic twists words in movie title to describe how bad movie is
Talkback host understands issue
Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon to sue him after latest nose job
3-day-old fly suffers midlife crisis
Ronald McDonald exposed as phoney clown who knows no tricks
Refresher towelette actually removes oil from fast-food eater's hands
Pinocchio stuck in abusive relationship with termite
Judge criticised for heavy sentence after Hamburglar gets 25 to life
Cab driver unwittingly delivers political monologue to deaf person
Male homing pigeon refuses to ask directions
CNNNN weather channel soundtrack tops adult contemporary charts
Insiders tip CNNNN Newsbar to take out this year's Nobel prize for literature
Michael Jackson admits cutting off most of nose to spite face
School photographer jaded
BREASTS
Birds of a feather accuse feather of being negligent owner
America cracks down on 'unpatriotic' Hindu-Arabic numerals
Reader claims white pages L-Z not as good as A-K
Microchipped children in UK mistaken for dogs and desexed
Expensive mobile phone owner actually uses expensive mobile phone function
Man tells good woman there are no good women left
Drifter becoming more popular career choice for young
Bird and bee have sex with disastrous results
St Vincent de Paul fails dress code for swish heaven party
Duelling amputees fail to reach handshake agreement
Michelin Man concerned horizontal stripes make him look fat
Whoopee cushion used a second time
Mr T biding time until gold chain renaissance
If you can read this, you don't need glasses
Primary school bushfire results in 3rd degree chinese burns
BENNY HILL WRITER MAKES GUEST APPEARANCE ON CNNNN NEWSBAR
CNNNN TESTS WHETHER RED TEXT IS TOO DISTRACTING
It is
Depressed, lonely Newsbar writer fears no-one ever reads his work. To prove him wrong email newsbar@cnnnn.com
Voice-over guy describes lame sit-com as "riotous"
'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' actors finally abandon hope of fourth movie
Couch potato believes 'Abdominator' will solve his weight problem
Drug Tsar overthrown by drug peasantry
Canadaian PM Stephen Harper says famine, war, disease, poverty in Africa make him feel bad... a bit.
Scientists discover Vespa-loving gene
Couch potato now believes 'Abdominator 2008' will solve his weight problem
Beggar pretends not to see Mormon
Jousting wins phallic symbol awards for record 319th year
Abbreviated SMS message requires three messages to clarify
Couch potato decides McDonald's new fries oil makes Abdominator 2007 unnecessary
Claustrophobic deathly scared of Santa Claus
$25,000 dress completely unsuitable for any occasion
Kinder Surprise toy only enjoyed by eccentric adolescent
Adam Sandler grounded by 10-year-old son
Corduroy-coated sheep unshorn for 15 years
Female donkey finds sex intimidating
Molly Ringwald's career resurrected with new film 'Sixty Candles'
Private school kid moved by urban poetry
'70s icon reduced to parodying himself for a living
Nigerian bank surprised by difficulty of giving away US$32 million
Journalist celebrates 30th anniversary of commencing yet-to-be-completed novel
Bush announces he may recognise Kyoto: "I'm pretty sure it's in Asia somewhere"
Patron pays attention to cinema pre-show advertising
Tributes flow for dead Hollywood celebrity no-one remembers
David Beckham demands to be mentioned on this Newsbar. Fears lack of publicity
Sewer rats aspire to live in gutter
Paparazzi mob Rolling Stones tour after mistaking them for young interesting band
Kung Fu movie hero vows revenge on man who killed his father
Adelaide man still can't see why it's funny that the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side
Movie character notices news story she's watching is relevant to her life
Frustrated driver massively overestimates time traffic light has been red
Humpback Whale changes species after massage
CNNNN News runs for three hours on slow news day
Britney Spears finally accepts her name isn't a joke
Social workers convince street sign to go home
Manic depressive prescribed Tampax for 'ultimate confidence'
Testicular lump turns out to be testicle
'Joseph Peabody from 32 White Ave Anonymous' Group closes due to anonymity concerns
Japan cracks down on weirdos
Used bubblegum salesman worries she's ahead of her time
Hotmail celebrates its zillionth unsolicited email
Killer pigs in Uzbekistan claim tenth victim in under a week
Magic Johnson admits magic has gone
Scientists: venus fly trap may not have originated on venus
Gigantic comet threatens to destroy Oprah Winfrey
Atlanta Braves change name to Atlanta Cowards
Guilty man assists police with their inquiries
Streaker photocopies arse for resume
Standup comedian asks crowd member where he's from
Scientists discover link between daffodils and cancer
Stern cigarette health warning fails to deter 100 millionth smoker
Musketeer controversy: D'Artagnan to pursue solo career
Grudging apology sounds like insult
Fascist trains fail to run on time
Burmese govt admits Myanmar renaming campaign hasn't taken off
Word "dude" making a comeback
Viewer momentarily distracted by newsbar
Swiss driver can't get out of neutral
Student's report card has nine straight satisfactorys
Second-hand music store alphabetises CDs
Air conditioners hit by exotic French foreign legionnaire's disease
Weeping statue of Virgin Mary "feeling much better"
Boyfriend has to wait only 20 minutes for boyfriend to get ready
Oscar the grouch moves into skip after winning Lotto
Hunt for remote control reaches day 297
Man can't tell difference between English breakfast and Irish breakfast
Studies show all the best people ignore news anchors and just read newsbar
8-year old learns violin of own free will
Critic dubs Barwick primary school year 5 play "best production of hair ever"
Acne cream works on teenager
Scientists develop hippie-repelling Sergeant Pepper spray
Cricket banner features lame pun
DNA samples prove murderer has DNA
Gay closet comes out of itself
Bin Laden agrees to return to NY if "fair trial" can be guaranteed
Man tells two Bond films apart - something to do with actors
Old person buys HD-DVD player
Ethnic comedian funny because she's ethnic
Britney Spears names rain man star Dustin Hoffman "autist of the millennium"
DJ starts playing song before listener's finished requesting it
ugly slob made more attractive because of beer he drinks
Eco-conscious interrogator uses energy-saving bulb in lamp
Iran agrees to admit UN parking inspectors
Character in movie wakes from nightmare and sits bolt upright
American loud
Nostalgic bacteria longs for the good old microseconds
"No frills" confounded by poor frills sales
Fertile soils and more tree rights granted due to poplar demand
Teen refuses to try cigarettes on evidence of anti-smoking videos at school
Action hero cuts wrong wire when defusing bomb
99% of transformer toys now transformed into scrap metal
New technology promises to make mobile ringtones not sound crap
German and non-German laugh at same joke
Neil Diamond sets out on twelfth "final tour ever"
Headless male praying mantis sues wife for sexual harassment
Mormons impose fatwa on anti-bicycle author
Woman orders dinner roll at KFC
Dyslexic thinks Beowulf makes sense
Maths whiz asks not to be called "whiz"
Ground Zero reconstruction plans: "this time we'll spell centre correctly"
Stubborn laser disc owner refuses to believe technology is dead
Footy finals fever victim outraged by hospital waiting time
Water cooler sick of being talked around
Wynona Ryder lands sappy female role
Gambler less entertained after taking money home
CNNNN denies rumour it will be renamed CNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. management admits considering CNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Ugly duckling becomes beautiful, insecure swan
US senate bans cloning of humans and Michael Jackson
Video hire costs more than movie
Drunken law student threatens to sue bouncer
Car owner unsure whether mechanic did anything to car
Teenager swears to sceptical friends she's sooo drunk
Trendy font designer hijacks news bar
Peckish pensioner enjoys between-meals dog biscuit
TV channel promotes watching TV channel to people watching TV channel
CNNNN wrestling hour features more than four minutes of wrestling
Nightclub charges ludicrous amount for water bottle
Latest figures show 78% more weirdos on buses than trains
Christian channel boasts record ratings of 0.01%
Flight steward delivers safety announcement with bizarre sing-song lilt
R2D2 bemoans shortage of non-natural shampoos and exfoliates
Insecure boyfriend pretends to understand French restaurant menu
New "diet water" contains 90% fewer trace elements
Cars at standstill in car lot
Govt plans $50m advertising campaign to fight perception of excessive spending on advertising
Amnesia victim grateful guest on 'this is your life'
TV cartoon show appoints non-blonde, unsexy male host
Man openly browses adult section of local video store
Theme park less fun than it looks on TV
Radio announcer overly excited about traffic
Razor blade ad features naked man holding baby
Teen party-hards sing retro song lyrics raucously
Non-crap music fans offer to pay for entire N'Sync group to be sent into space
Novelty 'la cucaracha' ringtone spoils minute of silence
Toe-stubber wishes he hadn't placed chair there
CNNNN increases sincerity on-air
Transformers' optimus prime seeks more respect: changes name to optimus prime maximoso
King condemns King-sized Mars Bars as "excessive"
Nothing funny happens after Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman walk into bar
Tennis fans forget why André Aggasi is supposed to be popular
Twenty-year film moratorium called until there's more classic TV to rip off
Vegemite inventor admits it was all just a joke
Bush orders bombe Alaska in restaurant: misinterpretation leads to terrible tragedy in Anchorage
Uninformed git carries on like stockmarket expert
Long block of non-stop rock finally stops
Lucawolf's hair receives world heritage listing
"September 11 changed my life": African famine victim
Cheat prospers
Political activist disappointed feminist rhetoric hasn't helped him pick up
Middle-aged albino concerned about stray black hairs
Anti-smoking campaigner quits after extinguishing fire
Emo suffers breakdown: loses black nail polish, acquires tan and friends
Burger king fears burger monarchy becoming irrelevant
Model's trendy 'heroin chic' look only accentuated by her fatal overdose
Scratch lottery loser consoled by second chance draw
Man misses sexual subtext of ice cream ad
Spittoon manufacturer claims spittoons are "on their way back in"/>