Beyond Confused
I feel content but not content. I don't really know how to describe it. Is true complete and utter perfect happiness attainable? NO. At least not for long. Maybe for a split second but it's gone with the blink of an eye. I have so much yet I wish for so much more. I don't know why I refuse to settle, why I allow my mind to ponder and wonder and carry itself away. These feelings leave a bitter taste in my mouth and I have no one to blame other than myself. I have the eternal love of God, the limitless love of my family, the unrestricted love of my true friends. Why do I seek more? I'm not blind to all the blessings in my life. My life is not empty/void in any way. I should be happy, and though I say I am, though I feel I am my words seem empty, my dreams seem empty and I live day by day happy but not excited, not fulfilled. Hours of silence cloud my mind and veil my eyes as I begin to see more for myself. I don't know what to do to reach what I feel is far beyond my grasp. I don't know what steps to take nor do I know what to say so people will understand. I'm not sad inside or out yet something tugs on the corner of my mind, creeping up, whispering from the farthest corner, thoughts that I can never truly grasp, whispers I never truly hear loud enough to decipher. I don't choose to feel this way... I don't think anyone would volunteer to feel like this. It's not even like I sit back and analyze life and try to find deeper meanings and flaws and pull up old memories that sting. I don't torture myself by deliberately concentrating on the negatives. In fact I try and concentrate on the positives. I view everything that happens, regardless how small it may seem to others, as a blessing. Everything happens for a reason and it's a reason I choose to not know or search as it's pointless to force out answers from thin air.
Why then does the darkness of the world seek me out? Why then is something trying to destroy me slowly from the inside, threatening everything I have ever known? Why must I awaken from deep dreamless sleep every morning still feeling tired physically and emotionally? What is it that I am missing or what do I need or what am I not seeing or hearing? Why isn't the warmth from this world enough to chase away the cold anymore? Why must I live and breathe hollowness everyday? Why isn't life enough anymore? Why don't smiles breach the surface anymore, why don't words hold meaning anymore, why is it then that try as I may I cannot move on from this? I don't expect anyone to have the answers...I sure as hell don't have them. Sometimes I look around my room and see all the materialistic things I longed for now in my possession all around and still it doesn't feel like nearly enough. It sickens me to know how greedy my mind seems but all the same I don't think it can be called greed. I think maybe I have dreams/goals/aspirations hidden about in closed off areas of my mind. Areas I just don't have access to yet. Maybe I'm just impatient and need/crave for destiny to take course a little faster. I want happiness, not just to be happy. There is a difference.
I want to be able to dream as before, fantasize like before, and truly smile, truly laugh like when I was younger. My smiles are forced and short now, my laughter sounds strange in my own ears. My reflection shows me what the world sees and what I wish wasn't there. I try to push those dangerous thoughts away because I know perfection is impossible. But it's not perfection I seek. I don't think I even really seek anything... I thought I was happy and to a degree I am. Why shouldn't I be...? Only I don't know anymore. And I don't know how I feel about that. For some time I figured those thoughts would go away but they seem persistent. I guess I've given up fighting them off or hiding them. My parents see it now, everyone who knows me and interacts with me sees them now. I don't want to feel this way. I try not to. I try to do whatever my mind tells me, or my heart, or both. I try to do whatever I used to do before that brought me joy but those things don't work anymore. I still smile, I still see the good and bad and I still enjoy things in life, just not like I know I should.
Side Note: Sometimes I wonder how people put up with me but I love them all the more for it. I don't understand myself so I can't begin to imagine what they think of me or how the see me but I thank God everyday for putting that tolerance in them for me lol.