Warning.. this will be extremely lengthy
Be prepared for a long entry because I definitely have a TON to say;
- First of all.. to put it lightly.. today SUCKED! Actually it beyond sucked.. if it were a blowjob.. it would SUCK the penis right off.
- To start off: I got in a fight with my parents over me not making my sister dinner. My exact words to her were " Your not a retard! You can scoop rice out of a pot and put it on a plate that's already on the counter for you and pick a piece of chicken up and put it on there too, it's NOT THAT HARD!" Ya.. it was pretty mean.. but seriously.. she's 8 years old NOT 4 anymore. So my stepdad got really pissed about it and told my mom and they were both like "We're not doing shit for you anymore! Don't ask for a n y t h i n g! No one ever called you a retard when you were 8! What the hell's wrong with you?! Your always a bitch to your sister unless you get money or you get something." They just made me feel like such a horrible person. It makes me mad cuz to me it just seems like they baby her so much. I kno a few ppl that will definitely agree. But I was talking to Ryan online and I told him what happened and that I didn't have a ride to vball and I HAD to be there cuz I wasn't at practice the day before and promised Blake I would be there today. And well he just went off about how I shouldn't be so obsessed with volleyball and it's "just a fucking sport" and that he doesn't wanna go out with someone who's gonna act like that about not being able to go to practice ( cuz I was really pissed). So at the moment I just felt totally ALONE. Cuz I didn't even have my boyfriend to run to and tell me everything will be okay. I mean.. that's what I need. I don't care if I'm wrong, I just needed someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright no matter how screwed up the situation is. Then my mom came in my room and kind of apologized and she went to give me a kiss and I just turned the other way. I felt really bad after that. At the time I was just like screw that she always does that she's not getting away with it this time, but then it just made me cry even harder than I already was. I'm such a people pleaser. I do everything in my whole life just to please my parents.. so even tho it may not seem all that bad.. when my parents are mad at me for anything.. everything just comes crashing down.
- Then I read Jen and Lauren's away messages and they said stuff about going to the movies after conditioning. And that made me feel even more alone than I did before. I felt SO left out because the day before Jen asked me to go and I told her I could if they just wanted to wait 30 minutes for my practice to end.. but I guess they couldn't? so they went anyways. I dunno.. I'm not pissed.. and 8:00 is pretty late to go to a movie anyways.. but it just hurt my feelings.. and my current situation just made it worse. This summer I already felt really left out from EVERYONE. I couldn't go to the beach with Erica, Casey, and Lauren.. and I"m sure Erica's pretty pissed at me. =\ And then me and Lauren never really talk or hang out.. and she never really asks me to hang out.. it just seems like we were only best friends throughout the TVA season, and now that it's summer we're like strangers.. except for the fact she comments on my journals. Jen.. well we talk alot online, and got to hang out.. but in conditioning.. we barely say like 2 words to each other. But I guess I'm just looking at things too closely. Angela's been gone.. but I'm sure it would be the same as Lauren and Jen if she were here too. Sam.. yep haven't heard from her in a while. We're like not friends at all anymore when BOTH of us were like omg! We're gonna hang out every day and work together bla bla bla.. yep all bullshit. Kristin's been in Virginia.. I miss her so much. I miss having someone I could just call ANYTIME when I'm bored and someone that I'll always have something to talk about with. Erica's probably my other phone partner.. but she's not here and she's had Casey over.. so I felt bad about calling. Otherwise.. like I said.. my other best friends seem like only part time BEST friends. God.. this is starting to sound mean.. and that's not how I mean it.. like Jen and Lauren aren't good bff's.. I love them to DEATH! It's just.. I wish we were SO much closer because I lover hanging around them. I'm so jealous of Jen and Lauren's friendship.. and how Lauren and her friend Chelsea always hang out.. it sucks!! I always though it would be like the 3 of us through out highschool.. but it just seems like 3's too many.
- So Ryan kept calling.. and I was really mad at him at the moment.. like I figured we weren't even going out at the time, so I kept hanging up. But then I finally picked up and he said he would come get me and take me to practice. He came and got me and we kinda talked in the car.. but he gave me a really big hug and told me that he's always there for me if I ever need a ride or anything and that I should've asked him first.. and it made me feel a little better. But I got to the gym still kinda crying and told Blake that I was late because I got in a fight with my parents and had to find a ride last minute. I felt so wierd cuz everyone was staring at me. But we just started to warm up.
- Practice turned out really great. I was so nervous at first I didn't say 1 word. But it turned out I had a pretty good practice for my first day with all the new stuff I'm trying to take in. All the girls were so nice.. it made my day SO much better. I mean.. that right there is why I AM fucking OBSESSED with volleyball. I fucking love it to death! I honestly don't kno what I will do if I get cut next year.. or the year after.. or the year after that. That is like my savior.. it always makes bad days better. The adrenaline I get when I play is just phenomenal. It's just like.. I can forget about everything else on my mind, forget all my problems, and just think about the ball and that's it. I really hope I go somewhere with this sport. I honestly live it and breathe it. Just to have something that is so uplifting just to be practicing is so reviving.I'm kinda mad tho that I'm basically missing the REAL conditioning for a whole month. Coache's new motto is that you make the team if your there every day cuz it shows "dedication" so I hope being at practice instead doesn't hurt me =/. But once I do get to go to REAL conditioning I'm determined to work atleast twice as hard as everyone else to catch up. I need my vertical soooo bad to make up for my shortness and hopefully get my hitting back. Plus it was my whole resolution for getting skinny and in shape over the summer! But I kno playing with the 17's is gonna improve my playing so much I can already tell. I've learned so many new things today already.. and they're soo good! OMG! lol they have those normal mistakes everyone makes.. but I think this will teach me alot. But I still can't wait to get out on that track and run a mile! lol and Box jumping.. hell ya! =) I'm gonna die but it'll feel oohhh soooo good!
- Okay now the most important part of my entry. This week compared to others lately has not been the best week for me and Ryan.. we kinda weren't really talking.. we were both busier this week, I was being a major bitch to him.. so he wasn't being very nice back. I thought everything was going downhill again. I guess out of everything bad something good did come out of it. I love Ryan so much.. no wait.. I FUCKING LOVE RYAN SO MOTHER FUCKING MUCH! .. pkay much better =). Without him in my life I would die.. I would have no where to go when the rest of the world leaves me behind. He's my best friend, boyfriend, and life. God.. just for him to say to me.. "Margaret you should kno I'm always here for you" meant more than anything to me. Even tho he hates volleyball to death and would want nothing more than for me to stop playing.. I kno deep down he supports me. My life dream would be to spend the rest of it with him. I love everything about him.. even when we fight. Lately things have been so wonderful with us. We've gotten so much closer. We've spent more than a TON of time together.. and I love it. I want things to be like that all the time. I can't go 3 hours after he leaves without missing him. I can honestly say I've definitely found someone I truley love. Some ppl say.. wow you can't say that when your 15 years old.. you don't kno anything about true love. But when you do TRULY love someone.. you KNO it. It's hard to explain. iono I'm rambling on now. Bottom line.. thank you so much Ryan.. you are the air I breathe. I love you.
- Things always make more of an impact coming from someone you wouldn't expect them to. Thank you so much Donald for caring. Seriously.. I don't even kno what to say. Just thanks for.. caring! =) lol home peep