kitto koko kara ai nanda
Guys! You guys! I am so content, I can't even explain it. Since my last couple of woeful posts, I've come so far and figured out so much (about people, about who I am, about life~)... It's funny how much can turn around after a meltdown, but things have switched so quickly in the past week. I'm happier than I've been for months. I'm on the road back to being myself, and I love it, because I don't know about you, but I kind of like me. :3.
I had a session with my counselor this morning, and she told me that I have so much stability and clarity and compassion now, and it feels really good. I'm just... really good now. So good. ♥ Now I get to concentrate on being a good friend and a good student and a good person, and ah! I don't know. Ahaha, what is this post, even? I'M JUST HAPPY OKAY.
Though on a more serious note, I feel the need to apologize to all of you. I'm sorry that I've neglected so many of you, and that I've been a bitch to some of you (or a bitch in front of you). I'm sorry for being absent, and for being that fragile kind of burden of a friend when I've been present. More importantly, though, thank you for putting up with me, and for taking care of me, and for thinking of me even when I've been so selfishly caught up in my own thing that I couldn't think of anyone else. I'm really ready to put the past few months behind me, and I hope that you, dear friends old and new, will forgive me for not being me lately, and will come along with me into our bright new future together~
So hokey, I know, but I don't even care. I was singing and dancing along to "Ai Nanda" in the elevator, and... I don't know. Things are great. I'm great. Don't ruin it for me by being weirded out. :|
I love you guys a lot. ♥
... uh. In other news, here's my class schedule for spring quarter? :D?
MF: n/a
T
0800-0915 Japanese 159: Cultures of Crisis in Modern Japan: Literature, Film, Media (lecture)
1400-1650 Japanese 191B/297: Crisis and Transformation in Modern Literature and Culture
W
0900-0950 Japanese 159 (discussion section)
R
0800-0915 Japanese 159 (lecture)
As you'll notice, I'm only taking two real courses. There just isn't a lot in the way of Japanese this quarter. One of my professors is letting me take an independent study with him pass/fail so that I can get the credit for a third course (and therefore hold onto my fellowship which requires 12 course credits) without having to produce a paper at the end of it (since I'm doing that for 191B/297... which also happens to be taught by the same professor). So now that I'm mentally/psychologically/emotionally/philosophically okay again, I'm going to really hunker down and bring my grades back up, because they weren't very pretty last quarter. XD
On a bit of a thinkity-think-think note, it's kind of strange to be an East Asianist at this point in Japan's history. Both of the courses I'm taking reworked their syllabi to align with current events, and it's a shade uncanny to be sitting calmly in my classroom in LA talking about what's been happening and about shifting cultures and attitudes and whatnot, when I know that people were affected (are still being affected) by the events in a very real and personal way. It's not guilt, per se, because I can't change what happened and there's only so much I can do, and part of my job as a scholar is to translate what I'm seeing in the real world into something that helps me understand and interact with my area of study in a more constructive and profound way. But it is a little unsettling when I actively think about what it is I'm doing, how it is my connection to what's happened is at once so theoretical and removed but at the same time so... engaged and invested. I don't know. It's just weird.
Uh, but the main point of everything is that my usual happy self and I have been reunited, and it feels so good~ ♪
I had a session with my counselor this morning, and she told me that I have so much stability and clarity and compassion now, and it feels really good. I'm just... really good now. So good. ♥ Now I get to concentrate on being a good friend and a good student and a good person, and ah! I don't know. Ahaha, what is this post, even? I'M JUST HAPPY OKAY.
Though on a more serious note, I feel the need to apologize to all of you. I'm sorry that I've neglected so many of you, and that I've been a bitch to some of you (or a bitch in front of you). I'm sorry for being absent, and for being that fragile kind of burden of a friend when I've been present. More importantly, though, thank you for putting up with me, and for taking care of me, and for thinking of me even when I've been so selfishly caught up in my own thing that I couldn't think of anyone else. I'm really ready to put the past few months behind me, and I hope that you, dear friends old and new, will forgive me for not being me lately, and will come along with me into our bright new future together~
So hokey, I know, but I don't even care. I was singing and dancing along to "Ai Nanda" in the elevator, and... I don't know. Things are great. I'm great. Don't ruin it for me by being weirded out. :|
I love you guys a lot. ♥
... uh. In other news, here's my class schedule for spring quarter? :D?
MF: n/a
T
0800-0915 Japanese 159: Cultures of Crisis in Modern Japan: Literature, Film, Media (lecture)
1400-1650 Japanese 191B/297: Crisis and Transformation in Modern Literature and Culture
W
0900-0950 Japanese 159 (discussion section)
R
0800-0915 Japanese 159 (lecture)
As you'll notice, I'm only taking two real courses. There just isn't a lot in the way of Japanese this quarter. One of my professors is letting me take an independent study with him pass/fail so that I can get the credit for a third course (and therefore hold onto my fellowship which requires 12 course credits) without having to produce a paper at the end of it (since I'm doing that for 191B/297... which also happens to be taught by the same professor). So now that I'm mentally/psychologically/emotionally/philosophically okay again, I'm going to really hunker down and bring my grades back up, because they weren't very pretty last quarter. XD
On a bit of a thinkity-think-think note, it's kind of strange to be an East Asianist at this point in Japan's history. Both of the courses I'm taking reworked their syllabi to align with current events, and it's a shade uncanny to be sitting calmly in my classroom in LA talking about what's been happening and about shifting cultures and attitudes and whatnot, when I know that people were affected (are still being affected) by the events in a very real and personal way. It's not guilt, per se, because I can't change what happened and there's only so much I can do, and part of my job as a scholar is to translate what I'm seeing in the real world into something that helps me understand and interact with my area of study in a more constructive and profound way. But it is a little unsettling when I actively think about what it is I'm doing, how it is my connection to what's happened is at once so theoretical and removed but at the same time so... engaged and invested. I don't know. It's just weird.
Uh, but the main point of everything is that my usual happy self and I have been reunited, and it feels so good~ ♪