(no subject)
I found out Monday that my uncle died, like early that morning. And i wasnt sad that he died. i was sad for my dad and my grandma b/c this will be the second son she will have to bury in less than a year. parents shouldnt have to bury their children it should be the other way around. but i was sad about the way he lived his life and how it effected everyone around him, in a negative way. and it made me sad that i really dont feel a lose at all b/c i didnt know him at all and i didnt meet him until i wast about 12 so i didnt know him and he didnt know me.its a werid feeling when someone dies in your family and your not sad about it. but his funeral is on saturday and i really dont want to go. i hate funerals, i mean who likes funerals. except the folks who run the funeral homes b/c thats where they make all their money. but im really sad for my grandma b/c she is just such a great person and she has been through alot this past year. shes been really sick. and when i think about her it makes me think about my other grandma who died about 2 years ago. and i miss everyday. she was such an awesome person, and it makes me sad everytime i think about what she had to go through. and it makes me so angry at God. its brings about the question why does bad things happen to good people? everyone wants the know the answer to that one.
lately, like this week in particular. i have been feeling like im pulling away from God and my friends. like i already dont talk alot b/c im always with a group of people and everyone wants to talk. so i just listen more than i talk. you catch onto alot of things when you listen to someone instead of always trying to put you two cents in. like im such a one on one person. i feel alot more comfortable when it just me and someone else or even two other people. but when there is more i dont talk really. at the bible study on monday we all wrote down what God had blessed us with and what he is teaching us this semster and/or year. i wrote down stuff and everything. and everyone else said what they wrote down but i felt so uncomfortable with reading what i wrote down, so i didnt say what i wrote down. i dont know why i fell like that. i guess i think that their going to judge me or something i dont know, and some of the people in the bible study im not just the closet with, and just because we are in a bible study together doesnt mean that im going to bare my soul to you. like i dont even bare my soul with people i have known for years. im such a guarded person and that frustrates me sometimes. sometimes i just want to be able to tell people i feel and i cant b/c i dont trust people. i trust people but not often. and i dont trust alot of people b/c i feel people let you down too much to trust alot of people. i dont know i rambled alot.
lately, like this week in particular. i have been feeling like im pulling away from God and my friends. like i already dont talk alot b/c im always with a group of people and everyone wants to talk. so i just listen more than i talk. you catch onto alot of things when you listen to someone instead of always trying to put you two cents in. like im such a one on one person. i feel alot more comfortable when it just me and someone else or even two other people. but when there is more i dont talk really. at the bible study on monday we all wrote down what God had blessed us with and what he is teaching us this semster and/or year. i wrote down stuff and everything. and everyone else said what they wrote down but i felt so uncomfortable with reading what i wrote down, so i didnt say what i wrote down. i dont know why i fell like that. i guess i think that their going to judge me or something i dont know, and some of the people in the bible study im not just the closet with, and just because we are in a bible study together doesnt mean that im going to bare my soul to you. like i dont even bare my soul with people i have known for years. im such a guarded person and that frustrates me sometimes. sometimes i just want to be able to tell people i feel and i cant b/c i dont trust people. i trust people but not often. and i dont trust alot of people b/c i feel people let you down too much to trust alot of people. i dont know i rambled alot.