I'm still trying to find my place in the diary of Jane...
That was cheesy... you'll see why.
So, since sr. year I've made a big deal about figuring out my "bi-ness." It's never really been applied. I've had great crushes on girl friends of mine that havent really ammounted to anything. And I have and always will obsess over the boys.
Well, last week I was reacquainted with a girl that I met at school, Jane (thus the cheesiness of the quote). She's 19, and in 4th quarter, but she's fairly mature, I think, and she's got these pretty brown eyes, and she dresses boyish but is still SUCH a girl (and it's funny to pick on her about it) and she's chill and generally positive, and openminded, and she raves and skates and plays guitar really well, though she can't read music, and she's sweet and thoughtful, and she likes me. :)
She's friends with a lot of my friends and started hanging out a lot, and then we kind of caught eachother's eyes. And so we've been talking and texting and messaging on the myspace (lame, I know), and we've kind of established that we like eachother. Then we decided the other day (well, yesterday) that we wanted to start seeing eachother, to kind of get to know eachother better, because despite having met before, we really have only known eachother like a week. :P So we went on a date last night, and hung out, and it was great and we both had an amazing time. At one point, I asked her what she was thinking (cuz we do that to eachother from time to time) and she said (after much hesitation) that she was wondering how many more dates until she could ask me out...
I told her a few more. And I think I made the joke that I wanted to know her for atleast TWO weeks before I started dating her (I wanted to but don't remember if I did).
The reality is that I'm nervous. I worry a lot about what people think of me and how people percieve me. I've always said that I don't try to "hide" that I'm bi, and that I just bring it up when it comes up. But if I start dating her, then it'll be up... all the time... around everyone... And as much as I would like to think I'm okay with that, I still kind of worry (1) about the initial shock, and (2) about the on going connotations. but more than those worries, specifically, I'm scared of the IDEA that they'll get to me and that she'll have to deal with my insecurity. She said she's been out since she was in 8th grade, and she knows that she'd be my first girlfriend. It just doesnt seem fair, though, to even go one day feeling slightly ashamed of a relationship with ANYone.
So I'm delaying a little bit to sort out some things... and I'm trying to cushion my blow. I don't want to deal with the initial shock. Especially from my friends, so I'm setting them up. That's why I'm telling you. I may end up dating her. And I want you to know, because you're important to me, and so is this.
No, I don't think she's the love of my life or anything, but it's still a change. I know you love and support me, but I still feel like telling you will avoid that initial look of shock and confusion.
I don't want her to read this. I don't want her to know that I'm scared of that specifically cuz I'm worried that would hurt her. (And I know if I put it on my myspace she'd read it.) But I did want you to see it. You don't have to tell me you read it (though I probably will ask you :P) I just wanted to tell you guys first, because you're most important to me.
That's all.
WE'll see where this goes. Maybe next week we'll both be over it and it won't even matter. (that would suck, but still) hmmm...
idk.
onward.
-JJ
So, since sr. year I've made a big deal about figuring out my "bi-ness." It's never really been applied. I've had great crushes on girl friends of mine that havent really ammounted to anything. And I have and always will obsess over the boys.
Well, last week I was reacquainted with a girl that I met at school, Jane (thus the cheesiness of the quote). She's 19, and in 4th quarter, but she's fairly mature, I think, and she's got these pretty brown eyes, and she dresses boyish but is still SUCH a girl (and it's funny to pick on her about it) and she's chill and generally positive, and openminded, and she raves and skates and plays guitar really well, though she can't read music, and she's sweet and thoughtful, and she likes me. :)
She's friends with a lot of my friends and started hanging out a lot, and then we kind of caught eachother's eyes. And so we've been talking and texting and messaging on the myspace (lame, I know), and we've kind of established that we like eachother. Then we decided the other day (well, yesterday) that we wanted to start seeing eachother, to kind of get to know eachother better, because despite having met before, we really have only known eachother like a week. :P So we went on a date last night, and hung out, and it was great and we both had an amazing time. At one point, I asked her what she was thinking (cuz we do that to eachother from time to time) and she said (after much hesitation) that she was wondering how many more dates until she could ask me out...
I told her a few more. And I think I made the joke that I wanted to know her for atleast TWO weeks before I started dating her (I wanted to but don't remember if I did).
The reality is that I'm nervous. I worry a lot about what people think of me and how people percieve me. I've always said that I don't try to "hide" that I'm bi, and that I just bring it up when it comes up. But if I start dating her, then it'll be up... all the time... around everyone... And as much as I would like to think I'm okay with that, I still kind of worry (1) about the initial shock, and (2) about the on going connotations. but more than those worries, specifically, I'm scared of the IDEA that they'll get to me and that she'll have to deal with my insecurity. She said she's been out since she was in 8th grade, and she knows that she'd be my first girlfriend. It just doesnt seem fair, though, to even go one day feeling slightly ashamed of a relationship with ANYone.
So I'm delaying a little bit to sort out some things... and I'm trying to cushion my blow. I don't want to deal with the initial shock. Especially from my friends, so I'm setting them up. That's why I'm telling you. I may end up dating her. And I want you to know, because you're important to me, and so is this.
No, I don't think she's the love of my life or anything, but it's still a change. I know you love and support me, but I still feel like telling you will avoid that initial look of shock and confusion.
I don't want her to read this. I don't want her to know that I'm scared of that specifically cuz I'm worried that would hurt her. (And I know if I put it on my myspace she'd read it.) But I did want you to see it. You don't have to tell me you read it (though I probably will ask you :P) I just wanted to tell you guys first, because you're most important to me.
That's all.
WE'll see where this goes. Maybe next week we'll both be over it and it won't even matter. (that would suck, but still) hmmm...
idk.
onward.
-JJ