Falling away from me, it's lost and can't be found...
I decided to bust out my "Rock" mix... consisting of the alt rock I listened to in high school like Adema and Trust Company (thanks Megan) and stuff I like now like A Perfect Circle (although I guess all if it IS from high school). There was a specific Korn song that I had in my head though... the vibe and a few of the lines (the few I could remember) seemed like they fit.
One thing that I've come to realize about myself is that I get easily overwhelmed. This week for counseling, I was supposed to write down something that worries me, every possible solution I could come up with for it, identify which ones are healthy and unhealthy, and set dates to execute the ones that are healthy, as a means for me to overcome the hinderance that is my "anxiety" (quotes cuz it's not really diagnosed... it just is). I couldn't do it because I realized that I don't so much "stop" myself from doing things I'm scared of. I think it's more that I'm still beating myself up from the last time I did something related. Like when I talk to some of my friends... I realize I'm kind of a spaz and feel embarrassed about it for a while afterward, and just kind of worry about if they notice. I don't really think past it, like "what would happen if they noticed how much of a spaz I am?" Just the idea of them noticing is a block to me. I have to figure out why... and that overwhelms me.
Meanwhile, I wanted to write because I was feeling kind of lonely today. I realized something else about the overwhelming today when I was with dan & kim: That the same way I get overwhelmed when I fall behind in school is occurring now with my friends.
I almost dropped a class this week because I'm a few weeks behind. Every quarter I have one class that I start off with one week missing, then it continues to build because I get overwhelmed by having to do that week, and the next week's homework so I stop. Eventually it gets to the point where I can't pass. There's just so much, though, that if I don't do things when I'm first supposed to, I'm going to get buried.
So I moved out 2 months ago... since then I think I've been at kim's once... maybe twice, and I've been to tranz about the same amount of times. Every time I'm around the people from either of those groups there are so many new jokes and new events and new things they're doing that I don't know what's going on anymore... It felt like this a month ago... and it's just gotten worse. They all still greet me as though I'm their friend, but all this stuff goes on and it's all too much for me to catch up on, so they all just laugh around me & give me the equivalent to "you had to be there"... which is an answer you get tired of after a while. But how was I supposed to be there? I don't live in the same complex as everyone anymore. I've been tired and won't be of any more use to anyone there or not there that late at night. I'm missing things... and though I could call people more & go out on a limb more, it's still not completely my fault. No one tells me when thigns are happening, and when I do try to hang out i feel alienated.
At this point, I'm coming to the thought that maybe I want to "drop" these friends before I "fail." Before it gets to a point where I can't gain anything from it anymore... before I can't "pass."
Today I was with Dan & Kim and I realized in the car that I felt the same way I did about class... that there was just too much to possibly make up for... and I didn't think it was fair.
However, realizing that I treat EVERYTHIGN in my life the same, with the same anxiety and overwhelming paralization made me feel kind of sad... and like I'm alienating myself.
I don't want to lose my friends. But I don't know what else to do with it.
Part of me wonders if they were just "dan's friends" and since I was "dan's girlfriend" I got to share them too.
[sigh]
I don't know. I don't know what goes on anymore. I guess I tried to set myself up to have someone else... which is why I went back to lisa & jason... and which is why I find myself more dependent on them lately. I'm gonna try not to fall too far away from them...
It's like in school. I can't afford to lose anymore credits. I can't deffer my life any further.
So I have to take the choices I've given in the paths I choose to cross and stick with them, and enjoy the time I'm on them. Hopefully my time with the others isnt over either, though.
ugh.
I feel a little shitty right now.
The counselor says I need to feel okay with being alone. I need to get used to it because it's okay to be alone. Usually I would be. There are usually only odd bouts where I get crazy when left physically alone. But lately, I've felt lonely in general. I don't know.
But, for anyone who's thinking of moving out on their own soon,
DON'T WORRY. IT'S FINE. I'M FINE. YOU'LL BE FINE. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.
ignore the crying. ignore the blogs. you'll move out and you'll make friends, and you'll get used to doing things by yourself, and everything will be fine.
I still have to say that.
I can get used to living alone, I can get used to not having a boyfriend. And I can get used to making my own friends again. I can get back into school. I can succeed in life......
ignore the crying. ignore the voices. ignore the fact that your body doesnt want to move to pick up the phone or get out of bed sometimes. everything will be fine.
...
onward.
see you tomorrow.
-JJ
One thing that I've come to realize about myself is that I get easily overwhelmed. This week for counseling, I was supposed to write down something that worries me, every possible solution I could come up with for it, identify which ones are healthy and unhealthy, and set dates to execute the ones that are healthy, as a means for me to overcome the hinderance that is my "anxiety" (quotes cuz it's not really diagnosed... it just is). I couldn't do it because I realized that I don't so much "stop" myself from doing things I'm scared of. I think it's more that I'm still beating myself up from the last time I did something related. Like when I talk to some of my friends... I realize I'm kind of a spaz and feel embarrassed about it for a while afterward, and just kind of worry about if they notice. I don't really think past it, like "what would happen if they noticed how much of a spaz I am?" Just the idea of them noticing is a block to me. I have to figure out why... and that overwhelms me.
Meanwhile, I wanted to write because I was feeling kind of lonely today. I realized something else about the overwhelming today when I was with dan & kim: That the same way I get overwhelmed when I fall behind in school is occurring now with my friends.
I almost dropped a class this week because I'm a few weeks behind. Every quarter I have one class that I start off with one week missing, then it continues to build because I get overwhelmed by having to do that week, and the next week's homework so I stop. Eventually it gets to the point where I can't pass. There's just so much, though, that if I don't do things when I'm first supposed to, I'm going to get buried.
So I moved out 2 months ago... since then I think I've been at kim's once... maybe twice, and I've been to tranz about the same amount of times. Every time I'm around the people from either of those groups there are so many new jokes and new events and new things they're doing that I don't know what's going on anymore... It felt like this a month ago... and it's just gotten worse. They all still greet me as though I'm their friend, but all this stuff goes on and it's all too much for me to catch up on, so they all just laugh around me & give me the equivalent to "you had to be there"... which is an answer you get tired of after a while. But how was I supposed to be there? I don't live in the same complex as everyone anymore. I've been tired and won't be of any more use to anyone there or not there that late at night. I'm missing things... and though I could call people more & go out on a limb more, it's still not completely my fault. No one tells me when thigns are happening, and when I do try to hang out i feel alienated.
At this point, I'm coming to the thought that maybe I want to "drop" these friends before I "fail." Before it gets to a point where I can't gain anything from it anymore... before I can't "pass."
Today I was with Dan & Kim and I realized in the car that I felt the same way I did about class... that there was just too much to possibly make up for... and I didn't think it was fair.
However, realizing that I treat EVERYTHIGN in my life the same, with the same anxiety and overwhelming paralization made me feel kind of sad... and like I'm alienating myself.
I don't want to lose my friends. But I don't know what else to do with it.
Part of me wonders if they were just "dan's friends" and since I was "dan's girlfriend" I got to share them too.
[sigh]
I don't know. I don't know what goes on anymore. I guess I tried to set myself up to have someone else... which is why I went back to lisa & jason... and which is why I find myself more dependent on them lately. I'm gonna try not to fall too far away from them...
It's like in school. I can't afford to lose anymore credits. I can't deffer my life any further.
So I have to take the choices I've given in the paths I choose to cross and stick with them, and enjoy the time I'm on them. Hopefully my time with the others isnt over either, though.
ugh.
I feel a little shitty right now.
The counselor says I need to feel okay with being alone. I need to get used to it because it's okay to be alone. Usually I would be. There are usually only odd bouts where I get crazy when left physically alone. But lately, I've felt lonely in general. I don't know.
But, for anyone who's thinking of moving out on their own soon,
DON'T WORRY. IT'S FINE. I'M FINE. YOU'LL BE FINE. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.
ignore the crying. ignore the blogs. you'll move out and you'll make friends, and you'll get used to doing things by yourself, and everything will be fine.
I still have to say that.
I can get used to living alone, I can get used to not having a boyfriend. And I can get used to making my own friends again. I can get back into school. I can succeed in life......
ignore the crying. ignore the voices. ignore the fact that your body doesnt want to move to pick up the phone or get out of bed sometimes. everything will be fine.
...
onward.
see you tomorrow.
-JJ