umm...
I have something to say,but don't know how to say it, I can't explain it..I don't know...I feel like a child, for once in my life I can't really explain how I feel and I Hate it...So If this is confusing, ask me about it...
Ok..Where to start?? I feel like an ass....I'm very confused, probably more so than any other time in my life, or at least when it comes to the girls and stuff....I don't want to hurt anyone in the situation I'm in, I'd rather hurt myself than either of the Ashleys...Ashley Smoaks journal really suprised me, I never new she felt that way, and had I known at the time of our closeness, I definatly(sp) would have done something, but I never knew, she never really told me how much she liked me...I don't want to hurt her, I really don't....
Then I have Ashley Hope...Who I also don't want to hurt,but who I have strong feelings for, I've got one half of my heart wanting to go back to her and the other half telling me no...I need to be happy and the feeling of happy is something I've felt this year...To me, happyness would be change ...With Ashley, I was really happy, the happy you can't explain...That first month was the greatest month of my life...I was in that relationship almost 2 months longer that I should have been, It weht from the happiest time in my life...To the worst time of my life, it happened really fast...Then I started to get annoying and stuff and suffocating and I barely got to see her or talk to her because she said I was all of that..She wouldn't talk to me at school, it was like I didn't exsist,one of the worst feelings in the world was to have just walk right passed me and not say anything or look me, just like i wasn't there...I remember this one time we were in the lunch room and she wasn't talking to me because of something, I don't remember but I told her I loved and she picked her up and looked into my eyes, that look she gave me..her eyes conveyed no emotion or feeling towards me...I've never cried in school before...when I was little but thats different...But She is the only one who has almost got me to more than once...That was one of those times...How I felt at that exact moment, I never wanted to feel that way again..But I have and it was because of her, that one time matt walked her to the car and they kissed right infront of me..that one felt great...Basically anytime she was being mean to me or not talking to me or anything, I felt terrible and instead of her just telling me why she was mad or upset...She would just ignore me..Its one of those"I'm sorry I care" moments...We got into an Arguement on the phone one time because she was "Owned" By Sean..It really never bothered me that much but It did a little..Its a bit wierd when your girlfriend says she is owned by someone else....We were at the point where she showed no feelings towards me at school..She wouldn't hold my hand or hug me or nothing...But Sean was like"Ashley, give me a hug!" and she did, and I was like "whats this" and she was like"I have to, he owns me" and he's like"Yeah, I own her" She knew it bothered me, but she didn't understand why though, it would be have been different had she payed attention to me at school or hugged me or something but no, since Sean owns her, he gets special rights and shit...He said That she took it to seriously and I think they both took it too seriously, so I call her that day when I get home from school and I tell her that it bothers me and stuff and instead of her trying to understand or something, she gets mad and stuff and tells me its just a joke...I was soo frustrated and stuff...I was in tears on the phone..I threw the phone down and just like balled my eyes out..It was like she didn't care how I felt...Thinking back on it from all of that alone..Why am I friends with either of them?? I changed so much for her...Does she really know me?? I'm a goofy kid...I get hyper but to her, me getting hyper and excited is annoying..So I stopped doing that...I think I'm done...I'll up date later...
Ok..Where to start?? I feel like an ass....I'm very confused, probably more so than any other time in my life, or at least when it comes to the girls and stuff....I don't want to hurt anyone in the situation I'm in, I'd rather hurt myself than either of the Ashleys...Ashley Smoaks journal really suprised me, I never new she felt that way, and had I known at the time of our closeness, I definatly(sp) would have done something, but I never knew, she never really told me how much she liked me...I don't want to hurt her, I really don't....
Then I have Ashley Hope...Who I also don't want to hurt,but who I have strong feelings for, I've got one half of my heart wanting to go back to her and the other half telling me no...I need to be happy and the feeling of happy is something I've felt this year...To me, happyness would be change ...With Ashley, I was really happy, the happy you can't explain...That first month was the greatest month of my life...I was in that relationship almost 2 months longer that I should have been, It weht from the happiest time in my life...To the worst time of my life, it happened really fast...Then I started to get annoying and stuff and suffocating and I barely got to see her or talk to her because she said I was all of that..She wouldn't talk to me at school, it was like I didn't exsist,one of the worst feelings in the world was to have just walk right passed me and not say anything or look me, just like i wasn't there...I remember this one time we were in the lunch room and she wasn't talking to me because of something, I don't remember but I told her I loved and she picked her up and looked into my eyes, that look she gave me..her eyes conveyed no emotion or feeling towards me...I've never cried in school before...when I was little but thats different...But She is the only one who has almost got me to more than once...That was one of those times...How I felt at that exact moment, I never wanted to feel that way again..But I have and it was because of her, that one time matt walked her to the car and they kissed right infront of me..that one felt great...Basically anytime she was being mean to me or not talking to me or anything, I felt terrible and instead of her just telling me why she was mad or upset...She would just ignore me..Its one of those"I'm sorry I care" moments...We got into an Arguement on the phone one time because she was "Owned" By Sean..It really never bothered me that much but It did a little..Its a bit wierd when your girlfriend says she is owned by someone else....We were at the point where she showed no feelings towards me at school..She wouldn't hold my hand or hug me or nothing...But Sean was like"Ashley, give me a hug!" and she did, and I was like "whats this" and she was like"I have to, he owns me" and he's like"Yeah, I own her" She knew it bothered me, but she didn't understand why though, it would be have been different had she payed attention to me at school or hugged me or something but no, since Sean owns her, he gets special rights and shit...He said That she took it to seriously and I think they both took it too seriously, so I call her that day when I get home from school and I tell her that it bothers me and stuff and instead of her trying to understand or something, she gets mad and stuff and tells me its just a joke...I was soo frustrated and stuff...I was in tears on the phone..I threw the phone down and just like balled my eyes out..It was like she didn't care how I felt...Thinking back on it from all of that alone..Why am I friends with either of them?? I changed so much for her...Does she really know me?? I'm a goofy kid...I get hyper but to her, me getting hyper and excited is annoying..So I stopped doing that...I think I'm done...I'll up date later...