Things in the life of Loz...

[lozenger8]

1. I have started my new T-shirt collection. It is aces. And 17 t-shirts strong already. I'm very proud of myself. I actually rebought three of the tees I had before, because I love them so much

Comments

[piapiapiano]

Matt's sister-in-law has lost nearly 8 stone in the last few years and it's impossible not to comment on it. To not mention her changed appearance would feel like I was saying I hadn't noticed it, which I think would be a bit rude given how much effort she's put into her weight loss. But my saying "wow, well done you for losing so much weight!" is not a veiled criticism of her previous fatness but a genuine expression of admiration for her achievement. It takes so much self-discipline to change the self, in any way, and I am in awe of anyone who manages it.

I totally wouldn't be surprised if you were projecting more confidence and thus drawing more people towards you, you know.

Anyway, at the risk of pissing you off, well done on losing 88 pounds! That's phenomenal! I can't think of anything I've done in my life that would equal that for sheer determination and sticking-at-it-ness.

And hurray for new t-shirts!

[lozenger8]

So now I ask you some questions - has Matt's sister in law started conversations about trying to lose weight? What's your quota for mentioning it, do you think? If someone mentions it before you, do you then feel the need to chime in with your two cents about how suddenly fantastic she's looking? (This one I can sort of understand as then feeling rude at not wanting to act like you didn't notice it, btw.) Does she seem genuinely happy when you express your admiration, or do her eyes slide to the side, does her face become peaky, and does she suddenly up and leave/change the subject

[piapiapiano]

Yes, she's initiated conversations re dieting. She likes to talk, and is very pleased with herself. She had to lose weight to be eligible for IVF so it wasn't something she started out of any desire of her own to change, and maybe that makes a difference? I don't tend to mention it unprompted (ie I will, as you say, chime in if someone else has mentioned it) as I know she gets comments all the time (works in a shop in a small village so everyone knows her and sees her regularly). I do make a point of complimenting her hair or her clothes, if they seem new to me.

Is that bad? You've got me doubting myself!

the discipline was so far as 'I won't eat that cake today, but by fuck I'll eat it at some point'/'I won't skip eating until dinner and then eat 8 slices of toast with jam, instead I will have a balanced day with more vegetablesIt's still a change, and change is -- for most people -- hard

[lozenger8]

Your sister in law and I are very different people. ;) <3

[piapiapiano]

Good point re sister-in-law. I will look for opportunities to be nice about other things. :)

It can be fun being tactless with tactless people!

[piapiapiano]

Just read your tumblr post and had another thought on this. You've made an obvious change to yourself. Everyone who sees the change will think that you didn't like the old you - otherwise why would you try to change? So to them it's okay to compliment you now and for that to be a veiled criticism, because you started the veiled criticism yourself by making the change.

If I got my hair drastically re-styled then I expect a lot of tactless people would feel free to tell me how crap my hair was before. Or tell me how extra great my new hair was, which I would interpret as a criticism of my old hair.

What I'm taking from this is that I should never compliment anyone ever. Possibly I've over-thought it!

[lozenger8]

I have to dash out and will reply to your other points later, but I think you've come to the crux of why this pisses me off so much --- I've never really hated myself for my body. I've hated not being able to find decent clothes, and hated how other people treat me, but I don't have a problem with fat. I've mostly rather loved myself. Yes, there have been aspects of that I don't love, but... well it's never really been my most hated thing about me, you know?

[piapiapiano]

I've been reading recently about praising children and how it's not a good thing to do. A praised child basically feels judged. It only just now occurs to me that the same must be true for adults. So what should we do?

In parenting you're supposed to avoid giving evaluative statements ("What a good picture!" or "Well done for eating all your food!" etc) and instead just describe/empathise ("You used loads of different colours! That bit looks like a tornado!" or "You must have been hungry to have cleared your plate like that!").

How could that translate into adult interactions?

[lozenger8]

Oh, I could have told you that. It's all about encouraging a growth mindset. You should watch some youtube videos from Carol Dweck. I'm awesome at giving positive feedback about effort, with plenty of description and advice on how to improve/questions about what a child did to achieve the effect.

I think I'd probably do that with adults too, if I wanted to. I have to admit, I don't tend to go around complimenting people. I tend to ask questions rather than make declarative statements about others. (I, personally, get leery with anyone who spends a deal of time complimenting others.) And no, I don't usually say anything about someone's appearance unless they begin the conversation. I still swing it around back to them. "I got a new haircut"/"It looks great, does it feel good?"

I probably sound like a tv psychologist, but so far no one's called me out on it :p

[piapiapiano]

Actually, you sound ace. :) This is all stuff I really have to work at as I'm usually terrible at social interactions. I still haven't worked out how to make friends, for example.