Things in the life of Loz...
1. I have started my new T-shirt collection. It is aces. And 17 t-shirts strong already. I'm very proud of myself. I actually rebought three of the tees I had before, because I love them so much.
2. I've been expanding my musical repertoire, thanks in part to walking and needing to have a wider array of things to listen to. I'm really in love with Stromae, Mø, Sivu, Autoheart, and a near-monthly compilation of indie rock songs that frequently delivers tracks that are awesome to walk and drive to. But I'll always come back to this song. (This version is possibly my most favourite. Yeah. I mean, I miss Steven's voice in it, because his is one of my favourite ever voices, but the simplicity and yet beauty of this gets me. Plus, it's Bruce. Bruce is the best.)
3. I am on Easter holidays for two weeks. I really enjoy my new class most of the time and I don't have major behaviour issues with them at all, but boy did we all need this break.
4. I bought myself a slow cooker and it is wonderful. The smell of a delicious dinner awaiting me when I get home from work is joy making. I've still been making different cakes/sweet things each month. This month was jam doughnuts. The first go was an unmitigated disaster, but I wasn't going to let myself be defeated, so I went for another recipe, and gosh, the next batch turned out perfectly.
5. Under the cut you'll find discussion of weight loss, body image issues, me rolling my eyes about fatphobia, and some reflection.
The reason for my new t-shirt collection is that I well and truly had to stop wearing my other tees when two fellow staff members basically told me to. I was going to try and wear them until the end of time, regardless of the fact they now all look rather tent-like on me. The thing is, they were all XXL, because that used to be comfortable. And now I fit into a medium. Um. \o/?
Once again, importantly, I sang and danced 4 songs with my students today and only got a little breathless. I was dancing and doing very uncoordinated aerobics in my bedroom earlier and I was not only enjoying it, but I lasted 35 minutes. This time last year I probably would have done 10 minutes worth and then felt crappy. The human body is an amazing machine, sometimes. With a little bit of training it can change quite a bit. Which brings me to:
It manages to continue to astound me how frequently and verbosely others feel the need to comment on my body. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, and part of me is of course, but I was particularly taken aback by a lady I've literally never spoken to before, and whose name I don't know, talking with my current student teacher about my weight loss yesterday. First, she asked me how much weight I'd lost. (I lied and said 30 kg [66 pounds] when the truth is 40 kg [which apparently is 88 pounds, huh.] I still don't know why I did that.) When my student teacher said I didn't look like I'd lost a lot of weight because I have quite a thin face (???), this other lady said, "she was big". Yup, with emphasis. What the fuck? Like, I get it, I was bigger before, but saying that is the opposite of tactful isn't it? I was sitting there, staring. My other favourite exchange was when a parent of a student I don't teach/have never taught came up to me and said, "you look different, have you lost a tonne of weight by any chance?" Um, no. I just changed my aspect ratio.
I know I have to shut the hell up about this, (I wrote about it a month ago on my tumblr too), because I am such a cracked record, but it's annoying and displays a pervasive and frankly worryingly virulent fatphobia amongst my work colleagues/others that I honestly hadn't realized existed. I knew that a metric fucktonne of people buy into anti-fat propaganda, but I hadn't truly figured that this then meant they were so judgemental of others. I tend not to be. I was joyfully ignorant in how all of these people must have been viewing me for my first year of teaching at the school. Like, yeah, I'm probably being a huge hypocrite, as I am deliberately attempting to lose weight, but seriously, being fat, having fat, is not so fucking terrible. And I fail to see how it's relevant to anyone other than the person whose body happens to be or have fat, y'know?
On the whole I am only slightly happier now than I was before and any more happiness I derive generally is because of tricking my body into releasing certain hormones. I also sometimes have to pull myself back from slipping into some really unhealthy thought processes --- partly inspired by the relentless fucking comments. I haven't gone a week at work without someone saying something since January. This is not hyperbole. (Lovely M still hasn't said anything and I am still in love with him. Not just because of this, though. It is also still a hopeless love. Ha. Hahahaha.)
I guess my point here is that I was brilliant before, I continue to be brilliant. It's really sad to me that people are only recognizing my brilliance now. Perhaps I project more confidence, but way more people start talking to me now than ever did before. I --- rationally I know I should block it all out, or take these things as compliments, but I am not always a rational person.
Urgh, other people.
2. I've been expanding my musical repertoire, thanks in part to walking and needing to have a wider array of things to listen to. I'm really in love with Stromae, Mø, Sivu, Autoheart, and a near-monthly compilation of indie rock songs that frequently delivers tracks that are awesome to walk and drive to. But I'll always come back to this song. (This version is possibly my most favourite. Yeah. I mean, I miss Steven's voice in it, because his is one of my favourite ever voices, but the simplicity and yet beauty of this gets me. Plus, it's Bruce. Bruce is the best.)
3. I am on Easter holidays for two weeks. I really enjoy my new class most of the time and I don't have major behaviour issues with them at all, but boy did we all need this break.
4. I bought myself a slow cooker and it is wonderful. The smell of a delicious dinner awaiting me when I get home from work is joy making. I've still been making different cakes/sweet things each month. This month was jam doughnuts. The first go was an unmitigated disaster, but I wasn't going to let myself be defeated, so I went for another recipe, and gosh, the next batch turned out perfectly.
5. Under the cut you'll find discussion of weight loss, body image issues, me rolling my eyes about fatphobia, and some reflection.
The reason for my new t-shirt collection is that I well and truly had to stop wearing my other tees when two fellow staff members basically told me to. I was going to try and wear them until the end of time, regardless of the fact they now all look rather tent-like on me. The thing is, they were all XXL, because that used to be comfortable. And now I fit into a medium. Um. \o/?
Once again, importantly, I sang and danced 4 songs with my students today and only got a little breathless. I was dancing and doing very uncoordinated aerobics in my bedroom earlier and I was not only enjoying it, but I lasted 35 minutes. This time last year I probably would have done 10 minutes worth and then felt crappy. The human body is an amazing machine, sometimes. With a little bit of training it can change quite a bit. Which brings me to:
It manages to continue to astound me how frequently and verbosely others feel the need to comment on my body. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, and part of me is of course, but I was particularly taken aback by a lady I've literally never spoken to before, and whose name I don't know, talking with my current student teacher about my weight loss yesterday. First, she asked me how much weight I'd lost. (I lied and said 30 kg [66 pounds] when the truth is 40 kg [which apparently is 88 pounds, huh.] I still don't know why I did that.) When my student teacher said I didn't look like I'd lost a lot of weight because I have quite a thin face (???), this other lady said, "she was big". Yup, with emphasis. What the fuck? Like, I get it, I was bigger before, but saying that is the opposite of tactful isn't it? I was sitting there, staring. My other favourite exchange was when a parent of a student I don't teach/have never taught came up to me and said, "you look different, have you lost a tonne of weight by any chance?" Um, no. I just changed my aspect ratio.
I know I have to shut the hell up about this, (I wrote about it a month ago on my tumblr too), because I am such a cracked record, but it's annoying and displays a pervasive and frankly worryingly virulent fatphobia amongst my work colleagues/others that I honestly hadn't realized existed. I knew that a metric fucktonne of people buy into anti-fat propaganda, but I hadn't truly figured that this then meant they were so judgemental of others. I tend not to be. I was joyfully ignorant in how all of these people must have been viewing me for my first year of teaching at the school. Like, yeah, I'm probably being a huge hypocrite, as I am deliberately attempting to lose weight, but seriously, being fat, having fat, is not so fucking terrible. And I fail to see how it's relevant to anyone other than the person whose body happens to be or have fat, y'know?
On the whole I am only slightly happier now than I was before and any more happiness I derive generally is because of tricking my body into releasing certain hormones. I also sometimes have to pull myself back from slipping into some really unhealthy thought processes --- partly inspired by the relentless fucking comments. I haven't gone a week at work without someone saying something since January. This is not hyperbole. (Lovely M still hasn't said anything and I am still in love with him. Not just because of this, though. It is also still a hopeless love. Ha. Hahahaha.)
I guess my point here is that I was brilliant before, I continue to be brilliant. It's really sad to me that people are only recognizing my brilliance now. Perhaps I project more confidence, but way more people start talking to me now than ever did before. I --- rationally I know I should block it all out, or take these things as compliments, but I am not always a rational person.
Urgh, other people.