(no subject)
Well it's been quite a while.
Funny it seems that I start almost every rant off like that. But here goes nothing.
(warning incoming flood of rhetoric)
ever stared out a window? ever stared blankly at a screen or a wall? ever sat for a long amount of time and just sat?
its hard for some people to grasp. the concept of not thinking. but to me it comes naturally. this confuses people. i have the reputation for being somewhat intelligent and knowledgable.. maybe even to an extent wise, but when i tell people that i have no problem just sitting or laying down and having a blank mind they dont understand. they cant relate. for some people they always think. whether it be thinking about how stupid not thinking sounds or the weather or other mundane details of everyday redundancy.
i find myself doing this "not thinking" thing more frequently as of late.
why? im not really sure.
ive been having these spells of depression, sometimes borderline suicidal--albeit that in the back of my mind i know that i am someone with too much pride to take my own life. or perhaps thats the narcissism talking. but these spells. they blindside me, but they almost always consist of the same "roots".
problems i have (with myself or just ones that i possess):
i feel that i am "good" at a good many things, but not "great" at any one thing. this leads me to think that i am going to live my life in circles leaving unfinished projects that i start and either get bored with or do not have the drive or the passion to complete.
which brings us to number two, my lack of drive. this may be the product of me settling for "good enough" but never striving to be the best because i feel that my efforts will either be in vain or go unnoticed. and while that may sound bad or not really make sense thats me.
sometimes i feel that i am a waste.
i get these overwhelming feelings of wanting to quit. i have never really been one to stress but maybe this is "stress". but these rushes arent usually the products of a big project or assignment or deadline, these are just sporadic moods that lead me to a state of pseudo (or maybe real) depression.
and so those are the little ideas that run through my head as i sit or lay moping to myself about how much of a waste i am.
i am not a depressed person. i am a happy person, someone who can tend to be sarcastic but for the most part i am a positive person who sees the brighter side of things.
(resume rhetoric)
ever have a moment when you felt 100% alive?
i have these nearly every time i travel. and i think someone put it best that its not always so much being ON vacation but getting there. the anticipation of going to the desired destination and all the travel involved. i feel alive in a car headed somewhere. it doesnt even really matter where. sometimes i wonder if i should be a truck driver. but then again i get feelings that i want to be a pastor every now and then. so go figure.
to sum it all up?
i need something to live for again i guess.
suggestions?
Funny it seems that I start almost every rant off like that. But here goes nothing.
(warning incoming flood of rhetoric)
ever stared out a window? ever stared blankly at a screen or a wall? ever sat for a long amount of time and just sat?
its hard for some people to grasp. the concept of not thinking. but to me it comes naturally. this confuses people. i have the reputation for being somewhat intelligent and knowledgable.. maybe even to an extent wise, but when i tell people that i have no problem just sitting or laying down and having a blank mind they dont understand. they cant relate. for some people they always think. whether it be thinking about how stupid not thinking sounds or the weather or other mundane details of everyday redundancy.
i find myself doing this "not thinking" thing more frequently as of late.
why? im not really sure.
ive been having these spells of depression, sometimes borderline suicidal--albeit that in the back of my mind i know that i am someone with too much pride to take my own life. or perhaps thats the narcissism talking. but these spells. they blindside me, but they almost always consist of the same "roots".
problems i have (with myself or just ones that i possess):
i feel that i am "good" at a good many things, but not "great" at any one thing. this leads me to think that i am going to live my life in circles leaving unfinished projects that i start and either get bored with or do not have the drive or the passion to complete.
which brings us to number two, my lack of drive. this may be the product of me settling for "good enough" but never striving to be the best because i feel that my efforts will either be in vain or go unnoticed. and while that may sound bad or not really make sense thats me.
sometimes i feel that i am a waste.
i get these overwhelming feelings of wanting to quit. i have never really been one to stress but maybe this is "stress". but these rushes arent usually the products of a big project or assignment or deadline, these are just sporadic moods that lead me to a state of pseudo (or maybe real) depression.
and so those are the little ideas that run through my head as i sit or lay moping to myself about how much of a waste i am.
i am not a depressed person. i am a happy person, someone who can tend to be sarcastic but for the most part i am a positive person who sees the brighter side of things.
(resume rhetoric)
ever have a moment when you felt 100% alive?
i have these nearly every time i travel. and i think someone put it best that its not always so much being ON vacation but getting there. the anticipation of going to the desired destination and all the travel involved. i feel alive in a car headed somewhere. it doesnt even really matter where. sometimes i wonder if i should be a truck driver. but then again i get feelings that i want to be a pastor every now and then. so go figure.
to sum it all up?
i need something to live for again i guess.
suggestions?