Update, big life change: I'm divorcing (separating)
Hello LJ. I've been reading, but not posting in ages. Well, it is slower around here than it used to be, but I still read because what my friends post is still interesting.
What's new with us: Ryan and I are separating. We've told the family, so we're ready to tell the friends, but I'm not ready for the drama that will follow the big switch of Facebook status to single. It'll happen soon-ish and that'll take care of that, and then eventually it will be easy to say.
I'm processing my grief along with some bad feelings that were destabilizing our marriage, and narrative thoughts come to me that tell our story the way some judgemental imaginary third party might do, and I don't like that story. If I accept those thoughts, they become my story, which is part of my identity. Choosing how I tell my story to myself is not revisionist, because there is no objective Truth of the matter.
So, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy style, I am refuting this judgemental narrative.
I'm NOT a dupe who let her philandering husband manipulate her.
I was thoughtful about the choices I was making along the way, and this is where they've led. They were not bad choices; they were valid, they had utility, some were smart choices, some were mistakes. I can't undo them, so I embrace them all as plot points in my story. The only way out is forward, and regrets are wasteful and depressing.
I am sorry about the hurt I've caused, but apologies don't help my loved ones, improved behavior in the future helps my loved ones.
Most of all, my marriage was valuable. I won't let my family members who never liked Ryan anyway express their pity for me in ways that deny that. They can say what they want amongst themselves, but they better not disrespect my ex-to-be to my face. He's my family, and I feel protective and loyal, and I don't care if other people think divorcees should be bitter and angry towards each other.
When I mention "my husband", I think people automatically respect that he and I have common interests. I think that if I were to call him "my ex", people might get the wrong idea about how I want them to respond to this "character" in my story. I plan to call him "Lizzie's Dad" to new people in her/my life, and I plan to call him "Ryan, my ex-husband" to people who need to know about him in that context, and will explain, if I feel it's necessary, that he and I are partners in parenting and the many life situations connected with it. I think a couple of my aunts have/had cordial relationships with their ex-husbands, and it was comfortable that the family accepted that. Ryan will always have auxiliary status on my side of the family, and I will defend his status in my life and in Lizzie's life to those who denigrate it or dis him.
That is the loyalty I want in my connection to him. I will keep my complaints about him between him, me, and our therapist.
I love him, and I always will.
What's new with us: Ryan and I are separating. We've told the family, so we're ready to tell the friends, but I'm not ready for the drama that will follow the big switch of Facebook status to single. It'll happen soon-ish and that'll take care of that, and then eventually it will be easy to say.
I'm processing my grief along with some bad feelings that were destabilizing our marriage, and narrative thoughts come to me that tell our story the way some judgemental imaginary third party might do, and I don't like that story. If I accept those thoughts, they become my story, which is part of my identity. Choosing how I tell my story to myself is not revisionist, because there is no objective Truth of the matter.
So, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy style, I am refuting this judgemental narrative.
I'm NOT a dupe who let her philandering husband manipulate her.
I was thoughtful about the choices I was making along the way, and this is where they've led. They were not bad choices; they were valid, they had utility, some were smart choices, some were mistakes. I can't undo them, so I embrace them all as plot points in my story. The only way out is forward, and regrets are wasteful and depressing.
I am sorry about the hurt I've caused, but apologies don't help my loved ones, improved behavior in the future helps my loved ones.
Most of all, my marriage was valuable. I won't let my family members who never liked Ryan anyway express their pity for me in ways that deny that. They can say what they want amongst themselves, but they better not disrespect my ex-to-be to my face. He's my family, and I feel protective and loyal, and I don't care if other people think divorcees should be bitter and angry towards each other.
When I mention "my husband", I think people automatically respect that he and I have common interests. I think that if I were to call him "my ex", people might get the wrong idea about how I want them to respond to this "character" in my story. I plan to call him "Lizzie's Dad" to new people in her/my life, and I plan to call him "Ryan, my ex-husband" to people who need to know about him in that context, and will explain, if I feel it's necessary, that he and I are partners in parenting and the many life situations connected with it. I think a couple of my aunts have/had cordial relationships with their ex-husbands, and it was comfortable that the family accepted that. Ryan will always have auxiliary status on my side of the family, and I will defend his status in my life and in Lizzie's life to those who denigrate it or dis him.
That is the loyalty I want in my connection to him. I will keep my complaints about him between him, me, and our therapist.
I love him, and I always will.