A chaotic mind and an indifferent heart.
i don't know.
i start a lot of things off with that phrase "i don't know." i kind of think it's a good thing because it's my reiterating the fact that there are a lot of things i really don't know, but then it gets annoying, if not to the person i'm talking to, to myself. it's like do i have anything more in-depth to say?
well yeah, i don't know.
there are a lot of things bothering me right now. school is...blah. i just don't have any word for it. i took my stats final today and it was like what am i doing? i didn't even study for this near as much as i wanted to. i just really didn't know what i was doing. i'm afraid of what my grade is going to be because i really shouldn't make anything less than a B in that class, but then again it's like what kara says, i'm almost indifferent to it. the whole chaos in my mind but indifferent heart thing. seriously, that's how it is. i just don't know what i'm doing anymore.
then, tuesday i have my zoology test. omfg. i don't know what i'm going to do about that. this class is horrible i swear. i mean, i've done bad in classes before but it was never so much of a problem because i always had quiz grades or homework grades or paper or lab grades to balance everything out, but this class, all you have are those three tests. that's it. i have nothing to help me. i mean, i guess i have lab grades but those don't count for much. i really don't know how i'm going to get through this. apparently he said that you have to make a 77 at least on this next test and then he'll drop your lowest test grade, and lord knows i need this. i need it so badly. i've never neede a grade so badly. i just don't know. it's like EXACTLY what i need to get the grade i want in that class too. omg i just don't know.
on top of that i have a paper and a bajillion other bits of extra credit due for english on wednesday and a sociology final on thursday. i hate this so much.
the only bright side is that this time next week i will have started my summer vacation. i have this impending excitement building up in my heart for absolutely no reason at all. well, i guess it's because i'm going to be done with this absolute hell of a semester and it's pretty much just a closing of what was one near hellish school year in general, but still. it's an excitement in my heart. why not in my mind if it's building up because school is about to be over?
this is what i think the reason is:
i really want this summer to be the best ever. it marks nothing more than my transition from freshman year to sophomore year in college, oo big deal right? but seriously, i want it to be great because so far in my memory, last summer was the best summer ever and i don't want it to be anymore. i want a summer that tops last summer off and goes beyond, i want this summer to just totally blow last summer away. i want the reassurance that i can have a summer that was better than last summer, a summer that won't make me look back at it and think yeah, that was great, but i don't want to remember it anymore. i want to remember it and think so fondly of it and be like that was the best summer and i want to be nostalgic of all aspects of if, where i went, what i did and most importantly, the people i was with.
i feel like people are getting annoyed with me getting annoyed at people. does that make sense? i hate that i'm like this now, i don't think i was like this before, where i'm so outspoken about people i just dislike and outspoken about the fact that i could care less who i offend and who i piss off for what i say, how i feel and the volume of my dislike. i really don't think i was ever like this. i mean, i have been known to just have something to say when i disliked someone, but not to the point where i was as outspoken about it as i am now, not to the point to where i make it known to the person i dislike and whoever else. i don't know.
i think with everything else you took from me, you really did take my compassion along with them.
i noticed that i don't hug anyone anymore. more and more people get on my nerves, more and more people just really disappoint and discourage me and i'm sure more and more people are having negative feelings towards me too.
i wasn't a touchy-feely kind of person before. i mean, i was cool with people and that was great but i was just like whatever with the whole touchy-feely stuff. it was like ehh i'm not really in to the whole hugging everyone i see thing.
then there was that time period when i really was content with my life. i was pretty happy. i mean, i knew that things could get better, but i didn't care if they did. i was good with they way they were. that's when i did start getting more touchy-feely. it was like i want to hug everyone before i leave. i just liked giving hugs and getting hugs. now, i just don't hug anyone. i hug my gay friends actually, and that's about it. seriously.
there was this quote i found, or maybe it's not a quote, just one of my sister's friends writing some stuff...either way, it pretty much described the kind of person i want to meet:
"someone who dares to be different, who is not trying to be someone they're not, and who accepts themselves just like they are. i would like to meet someone who brings inspiration to my life and who is willing to help me and let me help them."
actually, that's almost exactly the kind of person i want to meet. the part that really gets me is the part of wanting someone who will inspire me. that's what i really need. i need inspiration. i crave it. i feel like my soul is just totally dry now. school has sucked up what little i had in me and before that i was already pretty barren.
like i said, you took away my compassion.
that's a pretty big part of someone, trust me. i just don't feel much anymore. i'm more indifferent than ever. even towards some of the people i'm around now, this attitude of my being able to get up and move away without telling anyone or telling only a handful of people is just getting stronger. i feel so disconnected. that's exactly how i feel right there, disconnected. there are some people with whom i'm still like i really just couldn't make it through all of this without you just being there to make me laugh and to talk to, relate to, and just hang out with. but the numbers of these people are just getting smaller.
i feel like i don't contribute enough to a friendship, to just a lot of my friendships. then it's like when a friend starts to drift away from me i have this feeling to where it's like i guess i can't put too much blame on them for forgetting (for lack of better word) about me or taking me for granted even. i mean, people do so much for me and it's like what do i do for them? how much do i contribute to friendships? is there too much take and not enough give from my part? i almost feel like because of this, i have a very weak place to be telling anyone my opinion on things certain friends feel strongly about. it's like maybe, he or she doesn't consider me as close of a friend as i consider him or her, so maybe, if i tell him or her, he or she will get mad and snuff at me and push me away.
i mean, it has in fact happened before where i consider someone practically, if not, my best friend and all i was was a "close friend," and that fell apart worse than any friendship i've ever had. so it brings me to the point where it's like seriously, true friendship means that you can tell each other practically anything, more specifically, matters of the heart shouldn't be so awkward to talk about, and it very well shouldn't instill fear of being rejected and pushed away when i want to tell a friend that someone isn't good for them, right? if we're really that close? and if so, my opinion shouldn't be just put aside or taken for granted, right?
then again, who am i to say what's good for anyone? i'm no one to say what's good for anyone. i just have an opinion and i ask that it not be taken for granted. i ask that my opinion at least have some thought be invested in it. take it or not, just think about it i guess.
i don't know where i'm getting at.
take it as an attempted intervention. not so much divine, but more so just hinting my advice.
anyways, this entry was just suppose to be about my stressing over things and it possibly went further than needed...
i think i'll go to sleep now.
i start a lot of things off with that phrase "i don't know." i kind of think it's a good thing because it's my reiterating the fact that there are a lot of things i really don't know, but then it gets annoying, if not to the person i'm talking to, to myself. it's like do i have anything more in-depth to say?
well yeah, i don't know.
there are a lot of things bothering me right now. school is...blah. i just don't have any word for it. i took my stats final today and it was like what am i doing? i didn't even study for this near as much as i wanted to. i just really didn't know what i was doing. i'm afraid of what my grade is going to be because i really shouldn't make anything less than a B in that class, but then again it's like what kara says, i'm almost indifferent to it. the whole chaos in my mind but indifferent heart thing. seriously, that's how it is. i just don't know what i'm doing anymore.
then, tuesday i have my zoology test. omfg. i don't know what i'm going to do about that. this class is horrible i swear. i mean, i've done bad in classes before but it was never so much of a problem because i always had quiz grades or homework grades or paper or lab grades to balance everything out, but this class, all you have are those three tests. that's it. i have nothing to help me. i mean, i guess i have lab grades but those don't count for much. i really don't know how i'm going to get through this. apparently he said that you have to make a 77 at least on this next test and then he'll drop your lowest test grade, and lord knows i need this. i need it so badly. i've never neede a grade so badly. i just don't know. it's like EXACTLY what i need to get the grade i want in that class too. omg i just don't know.
on top of that i have a paper and a bajillion other bits of extra credit due for english on wednesday and a sociology final on thursday. i hate this so much.
the only bright side is that this time next week i will have started my summer vacation. i have this impending excitement building up in my heart for absolutely no reason at all. well, i guess it's because i'm going to be done with this absolute hell of a semester and it's pretty much just a closing of what was one near hellish school year in general, but still. it's an excitement in my heart. why not in my mind if it's building up because school is about to be over?
this is what i think the reason is:
i really want this summer to be the best ever. it marks nothing more than my transition from freshman year to sophomore year in college, oo big deal right? but seriously, i want it to be great because so far in my memory, last summer was the best summer ever and i don't want it to be anymore. i want a summer that tops last summer off and goes beyond, i want this summer to just totally blow last summer away. i want the reassurance that i can have a summer that was better than last summer, a summer that won't make me look back at it and think yeah, that was great, but i don't want to remember it anymore. i want to remember it and think so fondly of it and be like that was the best summer and i want to be nostalgic of all aspects of if, where i went, what i did and most importantly, the people i was with.
i feel like people are getting annoyed with me getting annoyed at people. does that make sense? i hate that i'm like this now, i don't think i was like this before, where i'm so outspoken about people i just dislike and outspoken about the fact that i could care less who i offend and who i piss off for what i say, how i feel and the volume of my dislike. i really don't think i was ever like this. i mean, i have been known to just have something to say when i disliked someone, but not to the point where i was as outspoken about it as i am now, not to the point to where i make it known to the person i dislike and whoever else. i don't know.
i think with everything else you took from me, you really did take my compassion along with them.
i noticed that i don't hug anyone anymore. more and more people get on my nerves, more and more people just really disappoint and discourage me and i'm sure more and more people are having negative feelings towards me too.
i wasn't a touchy-feely kind of person before. i mean, i was cool with people and that was great but i was just like whatever with the whole touchy-feely stuff. it was like ehh i'm not really in to the whole hugging everyone i see thing.
then there was that time period when i really was content with my life. i was pretty happy. i mean, i knew that things could get better, but i didn't care if they did. i was good with they way they were. that's when i did start getting more touchy-feely. it was like i want to hug everyone before i leave. i just liked giving hugs and getting hugs. now, i just don't hug anyone. i hug my gay friends actually, and that's about it. seriously.
there was this quote i found, or maybe it's not a quote, just one of my sister's friends writing some stuff...either way, it pretty much described the kind of person i want to meet:
"someone who dares to be different, who is not trying to be someone they're not, and who accepts themselves just like they are. i would like to meet someone who brings inspiration to my life and who is willing to help me and let me help them."
actually, that's almost exactly the kind of person i want to meet. the part that really gets me is the part of wanting someone who will inspire me. that's what i really need. i need inspiration. i crave it. i feel like my soul is just totally dry now. school has sucked up what little i had in me and before that i was already pretty barren.
like i said, you took away my compassion.
that's a pretty big part of someone, trust me. i just don't feel much anymore. i'm more indifferent than ever. even towards some of the people i'm around now, this attitude of my being able to get up and move away without telling anyone or telling only a handful of people is just getting stronger. i feel so disconnected. that's exactly how i feel right there, disconnected. there are some people with whom i'm still like i really just couldn't make it through all of this without you just being there to make me laugh and to talk to, relate to, and just hang out with. but the numbers of these people are just getting smaller.
i feel like i don't contribute enough to a friendship, to just a lot of my friendships. then it's like when a friend starts to drift away from me i have this feeling to where it's like i guess i can't put too much blame on them for forgetting (for lack of better word) about me or taking me for granted even. i mean, people do so much for me and it's like what do i do for them? how much do i contribute to friendships? is there too much take and not enough give from my part? i almost feel like because of this, i have a very weak place to be telling anyone my opinion on things certain friends feel strongly about. it's like maybe, he or she doesn't consider me as close of a friend as i consider him or her, so maybe, if i tell him or her, he or she will get mad and snuff at me and push me away.
i mean, it has in fact happened before where i consider someone practically, if not, my best friend and all i was was a "close friend," and that fell apart worse than any friendship i've ever had. so it brings me to the point where it's like seriously, true friendship means that you can tell each other practically anything, more specifically, matters of the heart shouldn't be so awkward to talk about, and it very well shouldn't instill fear of being rejected and pushed away when i want to tell a friend that someone isn't good for them, right? if we're really that close? and if so, my opinion shouldn't be just put aside or taken for granted, right?
then again, who am i to say what's good for anyone? i'm no one to say what's good for anyone. i just have an opinion and i ask that it not be taken for granted. i ask that my opinion at least have some thought be invested in it. take it or not, just think about it i guess.
i don't know where i'm getting at.
take it as an attempted intervention. not so much divine, but more so just hinting my advice.
anyways, this entry was just suppose to be about my stressing over things and it possibly went further than needed...
i think i'll go to sleep now.