Have you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your head?
I've been thinking a lot about everything a person could think about. The main thing going through my head is the concept of regret. I know pretty much everyone says I wanna live my life with no regrets and I learned something from every experience and stuff like that. But I really wonder. Is it possible to not truly regret anything? It doesn't matter if you tell me or anyone else you don't regret anything. I'm really not sure. I know I couldn't have stopped Andy. But I regret that the last time I saw him I couldn't look him in the eye. He was crying and I couldn't say anything. Two weeks later he was dead. If things had happened differently then maybe I wouldn't be talking to the people that I am now but I wouldn't know the difference. I don't know. It's kinda weird thought. I admit that regret is kinda useless because they only way things happen is how they do and no matter how much I regret it won't change anything.
I was also thinking about how horrible I am. I mean I won't let anyone get in the way of my happiness. I expect the same from everyone else. I wasn't mad when Shaina kissed Devon. I know that should be the most horrible thing, your boyfriend cheats on you with one of your friends but it made her happy. I can't say I wouldn't have done the same. It didn't ruin our friendship. Jodi had sex with Johnnie. Yeah that hurt a lot but I got over it in like three days. That did nothing to our friendship. I really don't think anyone should limit your abilitly to be happy because no matter what happens, they'll get over it I swear. I think people worry too much. People can take care of themselves. Getting hurt sucks but why should someone be unhappy to make you happy? How is that fair? So I apologize for wanting to be happy.
And to go back to my first thought about Andy. It's almost been three years. I still haven't gone to his grave. I don't think I could. I can't think about him without breaking down the thought of standing over his body. I just can't do. I want too. I'm just not strong enough. Shay and I were really close but I just couldn't. He is part of the reason I can't be a Christian. By the book suicide means he's burning in hell for enternity. He's being punished because he was so miserable that the thought of buring was better than what was going on here. I can't believe in a god that would do that. Religion is fucked up. It really is. I don't think I could limit myself to one belief but that's what I really like about Buddhism...it doesn't answer questions for you. Every other religion just seems like a scapegoat. I don't like that. I shouldn't say every other religion because I haven't studied every religion. Which also makes me think, how could you believe in one thing when you don't know what else is out there. It just seems ignorant to me.
I have a lot more that I was thinking about but I'll stop here.
I don't really feel devious I just like that face. :P
I was also thinking about how horrible I am. I mean I won't let anyone get in the way of my happiness. I expect the same from everyone else. I wasn't mad when Shaina kissed Devon. I know that should be the most horrible thing, your boyfriend cheats on you with one of your friends but it made her happy. I can't say I wouldn't have done the same. It didn't ruin our friendship. Jodi had sex with Johnnie. Yeah that hurt a lot but I got over it in like three days. That did nothing to our friendship. I really don't think anyone should limit your abilitly to be happy because no matter what happens, they'll get over it I swear. I think people worry too much. People can take care of themselves. Getting hurt sucks but why should someone be unhappy to make you happy? How is that fair? So I apologize for wanting to be happy.
And to go back to my first thought about Andy. It's almost been three years. I still haven't gone to his grave. I don't think I could. I can't think about him without breaking down the thought of standing over his body. I just can't do. I want too. I'm just not strong enough. Shay and I were really close but I just couldn't. He is part of the reason I can't be a Christian. By the book suicide means he's burning in hell for enternity. He's being punished because he was so miserable that the thought of buring was better than what was going on here. I can't believe in a god that would do that. Religion is fucked up. It really is. I don't think I could limit myself to one belief but that's what I really like about Buddhism...it doesn't answer questions for you. Every other religion just seems like a scapegoat. I don't like that. I shouldn't say every other religion because I haven't studied every religion. Which also makes me think, how could you believe in one thing when you don't know what else is out there. It just seems ignorant to me.
I have a lot more that I was thinking about but I'll stop here.
I don't really feel devious I just like that face. :P