"i had a lover, i don't think i'll risk another these days.."
i can't sleep. i have an easy heart, but an impossible mind. i feel/fear i will always be falling for people, but never in love. well, you know, a mutual, everlasting love.
my heart is an idiot. i still am in love with people i hardly talk to.
wait, no, that's wrong. i am still in love with the idea of them that i initially fell for. i am reminded of it whenever i see them, hear about them (here and there on this or that street, from an old, mutual friend), or whenever they update their myspaces/livejournals/facebooks. i am reminded of them in the middle of the night and i don't hear their breaths next to me, when i roll over and my arm falls onto an empty bed. there is a hole here where they once were. but wait, it's a hole that has always been there, because i really only loved an idea. the person was never what i thoguht they were. i am reminded of them when i go out to dinner with my friends who are happily together. my heart says, "didn't i have that once?" my mind counters, "baby, you know it was a lie. otherwise, it would have lasted."
i am reminded of them constantly and i wonder, "do they miss me? do they worry about me? do they ever want to just call me up and chat?" i know the answer is a solid "no." a big, empty, solid "no." i've tried to move mountains for a few of my loves to make things work, but a mountain is very hard to move by yourself.
a couple days ago, as we hung art at the gallery, i jokingly told kirk and kaebel that i was a sad and lonely person, it's just hard to tell because i am so light hearted and funny all the time.
well shit, it's true.
i love my job(s). i love my art. i love my friends. i love my new band. i love my writing. i love my town. i love myself.
but, i often think i will never find, you know, that one. the person i wake up to for the rest of my life. something always goes terribly wrong. so, i'm pretty sure that person doesn't exist anymore. there is no one. there is just me. there are just these people that come in and out of my life. some i kiss, some i fuck, but they never stick. some are a week, some are a year, but all are gone.
but, i really hope i am totally fucking wrong and will be secretly waiting for someone to prove me so the rest of my funny, little life.
what brought this entry on? hey, i'm not sad! the show tonight went so, so well! we all had a great time! but, you know, there was this person i talked to - just a couple times - and my heart went all stupid for a second. then i thought, "oh wait, this person totally isn't available. even if this person was, bad idea and it wouldn't work out anyways." then i was like, "also, what about that person you've been slept with recently that your heart is already feeling stupid over? yeah, that probably won't work out either, but just stop. please, just stop. stupid, easy heart.."
sure, i can rationalize how most things are a bad idea and guess that they won't work out anyways, but despite that i'll still make out with one of my best friends' brothers. she, by the way, is totally mad about it. don't worry, i truly feel like a jerk, but i promise you, it's really complicated. i mean, i could make a lot of excuses regarding my choice to make out with him more than once (not just the once while drunk and never telling her) and a list of reasons why she shouldn't be mad at either of us, but it doesn't really make a difference, does it? she's mad, i am sure it'll pass and i am sure the little thing won't go anywhere, but i am sure he and i will both be the better for having tried it out... sure, i can rationalize how most things are a bad idea and guess that they won't work out anyways, but you know i'll keep dating and trying things out anyways. stupid heart.
oh hey, i've also been really relating to this kimya dawson song a lot, everything's alright. part of it goes, "i lived alone so i took him home. he doesn't love me but he keeps me company. everything is alright."
that's just it, everything's alright. this entry isn't sad, just reflective. i am just feeling reflective about the jerks i fall for and my idiot heart.
my heart is an idiot. i still am in love with people i hardly talk to.
wait, no, that's wrong. i am still in love with the idea of them that i initially fell for. i am reminded of it whenever i see them, hear about them (here and there on this or that street, from an old, mutual friend), or whenever they update their myspaces/livejournals/facebooks. i am reminded of them in the middle of the night and i don't hear their breaths next to me, when i roll over and my arm falls onto an empty bed. there is a hole here where they once were. but wait, it's a hole that has always been there, because i really only loved an idea. the person was never what i thoguht they were. i am reminded of them when i go out to dinner with my friends who are happily together. my heart says, "didn't i have that once?" my mind counters, "baby, you know it was a lie. otherwise, it would have lasted."
i am reminded of them constantly and i wonder, "do they miss me? do they worry about me? do they ever want to just call me up and chat?" i know the answer is a solid "no." a big, empty, solid "no." i've tried to move mountains for a few of my loves to make things work, but a mountain is very hard to move by yourself.
a couple days ago, as we hung art at the gallery, i jokingly told kirk and kaebel that i was a sad and lonely person, it's just hard to tell because i am so light hearted and funny all the time.
well shit, it's true.
i love my job(s). i love my art. i love my friends. i love my new band. i love my writing. i love my town. i love myself.
but, i often think i will never find, you know, that one. the person i wake up to for the rest of my life. something always goes terribly wrong. so, i'm pretty sure that person doesn't exist anymore. there is no one. there is just me. there are just these people that come in and out of my life. some i kiss, some i fuck, but they never stick. some are a week, some are a year, but all are gone.
but, i really hope i am totally fucking wrong and will be secretly waiting for someone to prove me so the rest of my funny, little life.
what brought this entry on? hey, i'm not sad! the show tonight went so, so well! we all had a great time! but, you know, there was this person i talked to - just a couple times - and my heart went all stupid for a second. then i thought, "oh wait, this person totally isn't available. even if this person was, bad idea and it wouldn't work out anyways." then i was like, "also, what about that person you've been slept with recently that your heart is already feeling stupid over? yeah, that probably won't work out either, but just stop. please, just stop. stupid, easy heart.."
sure, i can rationalize how most things are a bad idea and guess that they won't work out anyways, but despite that i'll still make out with one of my best friends' brothers. she, by the way, is totally mad about it. don't worry, i truly feel like a jerk, but i promise you, it's really complicated. i mean, i could make a lot of excuses regarding my choice to make out with him more than once (not just the once while drunk and never telling her) and a list of reasons why she shouldn't be mad at either of us, but it doesn't really make a difference, does it? she's mad, i am sure it'll pass and i am sure the little thing won't go anywhere, but i am sure he and i will both be the better for having tried it out... sure, i can rationalize how most things are a bad idea and guess that they won't work out anyways, but you know i'll keep dating and trying things out anyways. stupid heart.
oh hey, i've also been really relating to this kimya dawson song a lot, everything's alright. part of it goes, "i lived alone so i took him home. he doesn't love me but he keeps me company. everything is alright."
that's just it, everything's alright. this entry isn't sad, just reflective. i am just feeling reflective about the jerks i fall for and my idiot heart.