(no subject)
Ashtray bathtub water, rum more rum, I'm scrubbing the remnants of you off of my skin. Today, pulled my sweater close to my face, inhaling your scent deeply, breathing you. I feel you. I imagine fragments of dried cum, crusting over delicately between the softness of my porcelain legs, your teeth prints, hesitant, crawling across the back my neck, almost faded, but still there, clenching paternally onto my body as though I belonged to you. I offer the keyboard, speak some falsely sweet words about wanting the kids to have it. In my mind, it's you that will come, and I'll be sad and small and beautiful, the bluish bruising beneath my eyes guaranteeing your endless love. In reality, she's coming with you. So I'll cancel and postpone until I drag this heavy body far away from you, from the tender painful existence I lead under your spell. I never kissed you goodbye. I fantasize extensively today about harming myself, and search my room like an addict, unable to find my razors. Give up and drink. I want isaac, but more than that I want to fade into nothingness. Burning, all through the wispy, translucent muscles that form my insides. I'm sitting in a cold bathtub with ashes circling my body, drifting through the water playfully, my drink is empty, I've heard this all before, I want to die, tonight, here in this dark, lonely bathroom. It is not fair, the way I love isaac, the distance, my pathetic unending sadness, the way your presence is simultaneously everything I need and not nearly enough. I shrivel into silence without you and with you I am angry, so angry. But alive, painfully, joyously breathing. I wish I had the fervored, aching passion for isaac that I have for you. I wish you would never leave me alone, never leave me. But you have, and my world shrinks down to a radiohead song on repeat and my naked soft body and nostalgia for moments that escaped me, my tragic melancholia. I am nothing, taking up too much space.