(no subject)
"Eddie Does Gotham"
Five drabbles about the Riddler's love life
"Why are you standing outside?"
"Because you said to be here at nine, and it is still three minutes and fifty seconds until--"
"My watch says it's nine."
"Your watch is three minutes and thirty-nine seconds fast."
"Aren't you going to--"
"At nine o'clock, I will come in. We will exchange pleasantries from 9:00 until 9:03. After which I have scheduled no more than five minutes for us to complain about the Batman, then there will be fifteen minutes of foreplay followed by exactly fifteen minutes of intercourse."
"I don't think this is going to work," said the Riddler.
Poison Ivy sighed. "I thought by team up, you meant...I'm not really into that sort of thing."
"If you're worried about you...toxicity, I've already taken the necessary precautions." The Riddler winked.
Poison Ivy grimaced. "Look, I--" Her phone rang. "Yes? Calm down, Harley. He what? I told you he's no good--Why don't you stay with me for a few days? I'll help you forget all about it." She hung up and smiled at the Riddler. "Something came up."
"I'll call you?"
"Don't bother. What's the island where your kind aren't needed?"
"Simple. The Island of Le--oh."
"So you're the one who's been sending me these?" asked Catwoman.
"I'm glad to see you are a clever little lynx," said the Riddler. "Your hideout or mine? Please stop laughing." His grip tightened on his cane. "Look, I know you wouldn't be here unless you were interested."
"I can tell you've never owned a cat," said Catwoman. "We like to leave little presents to show we care." She took off her whip and flexed her claws. "Birds are more appropriate, but I guess you'll have to do."
He woke up upside down and hanging over the Bat signal.
"Damn."
"Prepare for the greatest aphrodisiac the world has ever known!"
"I don't think--"
"Soon you will scream in terror at the might of the Scarecrow!"
"But I don't want to be screaming in terror," said the Riddler. "And do you have to keep the mask on?"
"I like it with the mask on. So you can face the grim visage of--"
"I have a riddle for you, Professor Crane."
"I'm not listening. Unless you're trembling with fear."
"I'm positively incoherent."
"Good. Prepare yourself for the most terrifying experience of your life!"
"What's stuffed with straw and not getting any tonight?"
"I'm not wearing the wig."
"But--"
"Or the dress."
"Fine, fine," sighed the Mad Hatter. "But only if you can answer this--why is
a raven like a writing desk?"
"Easy. Because Poe wrote on it."
"No, no, no! Don't you see? There is no answer!"
"Actually, I can think of several more."
The Mad Hatter's hands were shaking as he reached into his pocket and
pulled out a small white card. "I think you might find better things
to do with your time than wasting it in answering riddles that have no answers!"
The Riddler didn't remember anything after that.
Five drabbles about the Riddler's love life
"Why are you standing outside?"
"Because you said to be here at nine, and it is still three minutes and fifty seconds until--"
"My watch says it's nine."
"Your watch is three minutes and thirty-nine seconds fast."
"Aren't you going to--"
"At nine o'clock, I will come in. We will exchange pleasantries from 9:00 until 9:03. After which I have scheduled no more than five minutes for us to complain about the Batman, then there will be fifteen minutes of foreplay followed by exactly fifteen minutes of intercourse."
"I don't think this is going to work," said the Riddler.
Poison Ivy sighed. "I thought by team up, you meant...I'm not really into that sort of thing."
"If you're worried about you...toxicity, I've already taken the necessary precautions." The Riddler winked.
Poison Ivy grimaced. "Look, I--" Her phone rang. "Yes? Calm down, Harley. He what? I told you he's no good--Why don't you stay with me for a few days? I'll help you forget all about it." She hung up and smiled at the Riddler. "Something came up."
"I'll call you?"
"Don't bother. What's the island where your kind aren't needed?"
"Simple. The Island of Le--oh."
"So you're the one who's been sending me these?" asked Catwoman.
"I'm glad to see you are a clever little lynx," said the Riddler. "Your hideout or mine? Please stop laughing." His grip tightened on his cane. "Look, I know you wouldn't be here unless you were interested."
"I can tell you've never owned a cat," said Catwoman. "We like to leave little presents to show we care." She took off her whip and flexed her claws. "Birds are more appropriate, but I guess you'll have to do."
He woke up upside down and hanging over the Bat signal.
"Damn."
"Prepare for the greatest aphrodisiac the world has ever known!"
"I don't think--"
"Soon you will scream in terror at the might of the Scarecrow!"
"But I don't want to be screaming in terror," said the Riddler. "And do you have to keep the mask on?"
"I like it with the mask on. So you can face the grim visage of--"
"I have a riddle for you, Professor Crane."
"I'm not listening. Unless you're trembling with fear."
"I'm positively incoherent."
"Good. Prepare yourself for the most terrifying experience of your life!"
"What's stuffed with straw and not getting any tonight?"
"I'm not wearing the wig."
"But--"
"Or the dress."
"Fine, fine," sighed the Mad Hatter. "But only if you can answer this--why is
a raven like a writing desk?"
"Easy. Because Poe wrote on it."
"No, no, no! Don't you see? There is no answer!"
"Actually, I can think of several more."
The Mad Hatter's hands were shaking as he reached into his pocket and
pulled out a small white card. "I think you might find better things
to do with your time than wasting it in answering riddles that have no answers!"
The Riddler didn't remember anything after that.