(no subject)

[lovelycoconuts1]

i figured id update since something eventful has happened i guess. so i went to a party last night, joes party to be exact. leanna picked me up after work and she drove me to joes. well i walked to my house to change and she ended up wasted before i got back, haha leanna is a funny drunk. anyways i had a couple beers and i was hangin out with joe and suprizingly i had a pretty long talk with christoph randomly, hes a cool kid. anyways, there was this girl there, a girl which i had liked before and pushed to the back of my mind once she got a boyfriend. i havent seen her in over 8 months and it feels like 5 years. anyways, shes a cutie and this guy was hitting on her and i got jealous, very jealous. i went on a drinking rampage, one after the other until i could fall on my face and it didnt hurt (it does hurt today however). so now all the beers are gone and i need something to do so... i smoke a pack of cigarettes, naughty naughty but i didnt care. so i come back in after my cigs and she is fucked up, apparently she had 4 double shots of tequilla which is alot, especially for someone who has never been drunk before. she continually goes back to the guy and sits on his lap which upsets me. so a couple guys take her upstairs and we are all hangin out in joes room, like 8 people in a little room, it was quite quaint. continuing with the story, this girl gets sick so i hold her hair back while she is releasing the alcohol demons. for some reason i liked taking care of her. i just wanted to sit there with her and i would have been fine lol thats weird. anyways we try to get her back into bed but she wants to sleep on a chair downstairs, so andrew carries her down and i am watching out for her and i squeeze up in the chair with her. her and i were just laying there and about to kiss several times but i couldnt because she was drunk and she kept trying to kiss me and i had to turn it down veerytime. unfortunatly i eventually did end up kissing her, not making out... just a couple sweet kisses, goodnight kisses if you will. i realized what i was doing was wrong and tried to get on the floor but she kept pulling me back so i said i had to go to the bathroom and so i went and came back to sleep on the floor.

this morning was akward because i felt like i had done something wrong which i did. i took advantage of a good friend of mine. and thats wrong, period. so i walked home and decided to run. i put on my shoes and just bolted until i couldnt feel my legs and just kept running. i hated myself this morning and i still do. i just thought that i had found the girl ive been looking for. someone to hold, share the quiet moments with without it beening akward, someone to care for and to fight for. im a hopeless romantic and i think im through with love. or maybe im still drunk.