Doodle Dreams: Chapter 2
SATURDAY-- the most boring day of the week, well together with Sunday. Honestly I don't get why people hope for weekends to come. I prefer weekdays where I could hang outside the house, see some people and keep myself busy. Weekends are just.. unpredictable. Huh, you might think my life is boring huh? Well, actually, I am a very sociable person, I have a lot of friends I just prefer spending time at home.
Alright! Those are lame excuses. But I really hate weekends! They are insulting! Everytime these days come, it's like a slap in the face or a wake up call saying, "Jung Yunho! You are forever a loner. You will rot inside the house alone! Your friends have found someone to love but you are still hopeless!"
It's not even intentional that I have no one. Trust me, I dated quite a lot of times, but nobody really satisfies me. Nobody can feel the emptiness i feel. To think back, I never really liked how most of my past relationships started. I never want to have them in the first place. My friends just have to push me to the edge for me to agree going out with somebody.
I have all the means to get someone I want. With just a smile, girls and guys come swooping at me, ready to serve me and to be used. But the thing is I don't have someone I want! And I don't like that. Maybe I'm a masochist or something but I'm just so tired at people thinking I can have my way with them that, I am superior. i just want someone who treats me as an equal or someone to order me around for a change.
These past uhh... flings (I refused to call them relationships!) I never felt loved, i felt used. I can see it in their eyes, they are using me to climb the popularity ladder, I can sense lust (not that I'm giving them any :)), I'm told nothing but lies. But whatever, it's not that I'm bitter, I've gotten used to it. I just think that I deserve far better than what they can offer. I deserve to be loved, to be cared for, to be treated rightly, i deserve someone who takes me for who I am and not for what I can offer.
I want to feel a true and pure love. I want to love someone with every ounce of my body. I want to experience it, to know how much love I can give, how much I can sacrifice. I want to feel the joy and the pain of loving someone. I think that the pain I would receive from such love is much much better than other pains. Huh, I must be insane, but I really want to feel that kind of pain because it just proves that.. my love is real.
"Stop thinking Jung Yunho, it won't get you anywhere!" I pushed myself off the bed to stop all my silly thoughts. After a shower and and a brunch, I grab a book and went out the verenda enjoying fresh air and... uh.. alone time. I must have dozed off, because I was awakened by a loud ringing and heavy vibration of my cellphone.
"Hello?"
"Yun-ah! Have you forgotten Jonghyun's birthday celebration today?" my best buddy Junsu was on the other line.
"Oh, right. I totally forgot! But do I really have to go?"
"Get up and get ready I'll be there in a few minutes!" he hunged up before I even had the chance to decline. Dragging my feet to my bedroom, I got ready for the party. I might as well enjoy it, no use sulking my way out of it.
As I got on Junsu's car, I was reminded of my dilemma of being single.
"Su-ah, am I not a good person, do I stink? I don't do I?"
"Yah, what are you talking about? What's with this nonsense?"
".. I just feel so alone. I wish I could find someone to love real fast" Junsu must sense that I was really serious because he pulled over and stopped the car.
"Jung Yunho, you wouldn't be my friend if I think that you are not a good person. Maybe it just isn't time just wait. Someday you will find it, you will experience a love story especially written for you by the Fates. Trust me. Just be patient. You wouldn't know if that is just right around the corner. You wouldn't want to be seen by your other half sulking now would you? " he said, chuckling.
"I guess not" I said, laughing along with him. "Su-ah, another thing?" He nodded, as a cue for me to continue. "What do you think about my sexuality?.. D..do you t..think i'm g..g..gay?" i suddenly asked him.
"Why? What made you think that?"
"Well it's because I don't really find women attractive. But what makes me confuse is that men don't really get my attention either.. well save from the man in my dreams."
"Hm, well I can't really say. Before, I know that I'm gay because the people I developed feelings for are men.. so I don't really know what to say in your case. But, as I've said have patience, soon you will know"
"Gumawo su-ah, it's really great I can talk with someone about these matters."
"It's nothing, and anyway you were also like this to me before. Anyway, we are near the restobar where Jonghyun's holding his party, so lighten up and don't think too much of these things."
We made our way inside the restobar. It was actually a nice pary! There were a lot of guests and I was familiar with most of them (well when you're rich you tend to hang out with the rich kids themselves.) We shared a few drinks.
"Hey Jung! Long time no see bro! How are you doing?"
Yeah right as if you actually care, but of course instead of saying that, I flashed a smile saying "Oh, it's you Taemin. You know, I can't really hang out with every one of you guys, been very busy doing worthwhile things, but surely we would see each other when I have the time to go to bars and clubs where you surely are every night" saying that I smirked at his pissed face. I turned my back at him and went to my other friends. I really don't like the guy, it's just a mutual thing between the two of us.
Alright! Those are lame excuses. But I really hate weekends! They are insulting! Everytime these days come, it's like a slap in the face or a wake up call saying, "Jung Yunho! You are forever a loner. You will rot inside the house alone! Your friends have found someone to love but you are still hopeless!"
It's not even intentional that I have no one. Trust me, I dated quite a lot of times, but nobody really satisfies me. Nobody can feel the emptiness i feel. To think back, I never really liked how most of my past relationships started. I never want to have them in the first place. My friends just have to push me to the edge for me to agree going out with somebody.
I have all the means to get someone I want. With just a smile, girls and guys come swooping at me, ready to serve me and to be used. But the thing is I don't have someone I want! And I don't like that. Maybe I'm a masochist or something but I'm just so tired at people thinking I can have my way with them that, I am superior. i just want someone who treats me as an equal or someone to order me around for a change.
These past uhh... flings (I refused to call them relationships!) I never felt loved, i felt used. I can see it in their eyes, they are using me to climb the popularity ladder, I can sense lust (not that I'm giving them any :)), I'm told nothing but lies. But whatever, it's not that I'm bitter, I've gotten used to it. I just think that I deserve far better than what they can offer. I deserve to be loved, to be cared for, to be treated rightly, i deserve someone who takes me for who I am and not for what I can offer.
I want to feel a true and pure love. I want to love someone with every ounce of my body. I want to experience it, to know how much love I can give, how much I can sacrifice. I want to feel the joy and the pain of loving someone. I think that the pain I would receive from such love is much much better than other pains. Huh, I must be insane, but I really want to feel that kind of pain because it just proves that.. my love is real.
"Stop thinking Jung Yunho, it won't get you anywhere!" I pushed myself off the bed to stop all my silly thoughts. After a shower and and a brunch, I grab a book and went out the verenda enjoying fresh air and... uh.. alone time. I must have dozed off, because I was awakened by a loud ringing and heavy vibration of my cellphone.
"Hello?"
"Yun-ah! Have you forgotten Jonghyun's birthday celebration today?" my best buddy Junsu was on the other line.
"Oh, right. I totally forgot! But do I really have to go?"
"Get up and get ready I'll be there in a few minutes!" he hunged up before I even had the chance to decline. Dragging my feet to my bedroom, I got ready for the party. I might as well enjoy it, no use sulking my way out of it.
As I got on Junsu's car, I was reminded of my dilemma of being single.
"Su-ah, am I not a good person, do I stink? I don't do I?"
"Yah, what are you talking about? What's with this nonsense?"
".. I just feel so alone. I wish I could find someone to love real fast" Junsu must sense that I was really serious because he pulled over and stopped the car.
"Jung Yunho, you wouldn't be my friend if I think that you are not a good person. Maybe it just isn't time just wait. Someday you will find it, you will experience a love story especially written for you by the Fates. Trust me. Just be patient. You wouldn't know if that is just right around the corner. You wouldn't want to be seen by your other half sulking now would you? " he said, chuckling.
"I guess not" I said, laughing along with him. "Su-ah, another thing?" He nodded, as a cue for me to continue. "What do you think about my sexuality?.. D..do you t..think i'm g..g..gay?" i suddenly asked him.
"Why? What made you think that?"
"Well it's because I don't really find women attractive. But what makes me confuse is that men don't really get my attention either.. well save from the man in my dreams."
"Hm, well I can't really say. Before, I know that I'm gay because the people I developed feelings for are men.. so I don't really know what to say in your case. But, as I've said have patience, soon you will know"
"Gumawo su-ah, it's really great I can talk with someone about these matters."
"It's nothing, and anyway you were also like this to me before. Anyway, we are near the restobar where Jonghyun's holding his party, so lighten up and don't think too much of these things."
We made our way inside the restobar. It was actually a nice pary! There were a lot of guests and I was familiar with most of them (well when you're rich you tend to hang out with the rich kids themselves.) We shared a few drinks.
"Hey Jung! Long time no see bro! How are you doing?"
Yeah right as if you actually care, but of course instead of saying that, I flashed a smile saying "Oh, it's you Taemin. You know, I can't really hang out with every one of you guys, been very busy doing worthwhile things, but surely we would see each other when I have the time to go to bars and clubs where you surely are every night" saying that I smirked at his pissed face. I turned my back at him and went to my other friends. I really don't like the guy, it's just a mutual thing between the two of us.