anchorless but full of love
It's been a long time since I talked to Dan. I mean a LONG time. And the reason--the real reason other than me being tired and lazy and him being locked up--is that I don't know what to do with him anymore. I don't know that we will ever manage to be together. How can we truly know one another when we barely talk? I know the deepest part of him, as he does me, but the surface, how he feels on a daily basis, what his life is made of is something I don't have access to. I finally sent him a letter explaining that my silence has been caused by this fear and confusion. Who is he to me, now?
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From the letter:
I don't know what to do with you anymore. It has slowly become clear to me that you and I will always love each other in a deep and special way. Yet I also realize that I may never fulfill my promise to you hat "we will be together someday." I will not, geographically, be in a place when you leave prison and enter my realm of possibility that would allow us to have anything other than a rushed and heart-breaking one night stand. And from the way you talk- you, sexually and emotionally, will not be in a place where we could have anything other than a rushed and heart-breaking one night stand.
If you are not my someday-lover, then who are you? If you are not my heart, then what are you? What or who am I to you? With no possible hope, what can I have?
This lack of an anchor leaves me floating. I hope you understand what I mean by that.
Love, Even though...
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I was talking about commitment-phobes with my new friend Bronwyn (new in that we'd never hung out outside of work until recently) and then with Brandi. Because Shane on The L Word is the quintessential commitmentphobe. And I realize that I am the opposite of that. I am willing to commit to perfect strangers. "Ok, we've hung out twice; you are now allowed to call me in the middle of the night if you need someone to take you to the hospital." That's me. As is evidenced by my relationship with Brandi. After going to dinner with her in the dining hall a few times with the group, she asked if she could come to my room to cry. I didn't know exactly why, but I said yes. I didn't know why she was crying or why I said yes. But I did, because that's just who I am. And knowing Brandi has made me an even more loving and caring person. As if i didn't have enough to do already. :P
Also, I bought Herbal Essences brand hair dye. The color, I am happy to say, is Brazen Raisin.
-----------------------------
From the letter:
I don't know what to do with you anymore. It has slowly become clear to me that you and I will always love each other in a deep and special way. Yet I also realize that I may never fulfill my promise to you hat "we will be together someday." I will not, geographically, be in a place when you leave prison and enter my realm of possibility that would allow us to have anything other than a rushed and heart-breaking one night stand. And from the way you talk- you, sexually and emotionally, will not be in a place where we could have anything other than a rushed and heart-breaking one night stand.
If you are not my someday-lover, then who are you? If you are not my heart, then what are you? What or who am I to you? With no possible hope, what can I have?
This lack of an anchor leaves me floating. I hope you understand what I mean by that.
Love, Even though...
----------------------------
I was talking about commitment-phobes with my new friend Bronwyn (new in that we'd never hung out outside of work until recently) and then with Brandi. Because Shane on The L Word is the quintessential commitmentphobe. And I realize that I am the opposite of that. I am willing to commit to perfect strangers. "Ok, we've hung out twice; you are now allowed to call me in the middle of the night if you need someone to take you to the hospital." That's me. As is evidenced by my relationship with Brandi. After going to dinner with her in the dining hall a few times with the group, she asked if she could come to my room to cry. I didn't know exactly why, but I said yes. I didn't know why she was crying or why I said yes. But I did, because that's just who I am. And knowing Brandi has made me an even more loving and caring person. As if i didn't have enough to do already. :P
Also, I bought Herbal Essences brand hair dye. The color, I am happy to say, is Brazen Raisin.