(no subject)
i am kelly scott.
i analyze everything waay too much.
i am incredibly insecure and quite confident at the same time.
i don't think there is a single person in this world that knows me well enough to know my deepest secrets.
and that saddens me.
it is part of what contributes to how alone i feel sometimes.
and often i feel the only way to counteract that loneliness is by seeking companionship with others.
false companionship, even.
friends and family i've got.
but a guy who cares about me as much as i care for him?
that, i'm lacking.
therefore, guys are my weakness.
i fall for too many of them.
i believe most of what they say.
i get bored and tired with the guys that i do date, and break up with them in hopes of something better.
i don't take chances.
i'm too much of a romantic to accept that love isn't like it is in the movies.
but above all, i just seek a relationship with far more guys than i'd like.
if i don't much care for someone, i rework everything in my head until i do.
i focus on their strong points, and hide their weaknesses until i'm too far into the relationship and can't handle them anymore.
maybe i'm just as much at fault as the guys.
i don't treat them any better than they treat me, sometimes.
but the more guys i date, and the more frustrated i get, the worse it becomes.
i am constantly looking for something greater.
i know that love comes when it is supposed to, and that you don't go seeking it, it just comes to you.
but fuck that.
knowing that doesn't stop me from believing that every guy might be "the one" if i just gave him a chance.
my thought processes are completely wrong.
i have never been one for self-control.
although i'd like to...
i can't control my compulsive spending.
i can't control what i eat.
i can't control my longing for real love.
i don't hold back.
i go for what i want.
i act on a whim.
i do irresponsible things that lead to irresponsible decisions that i may or may not regret later.
but i think with my heart before i think with my head.
i don't know what happened with nick and i this weekend.
it wasn't physical.. though we did kiss.
but i had forgotten what it felt like to really laugh.
to really feel.. something.
when we were dating, i didn't know what the something was.
it wasn't love. and it isn't now. but there's something.
i don't know if it's the fact that our personalities are so similar that we just complement each other..
i have no idea.
but the feelings came back when we saw each other.
and i threw caution to the wind, and just went with it.
and of course, now i just feel like an idiot.
nick could have been feeding me complete bullshit, and i probably would have believed it, because it was everything i wanted and needed to hear after so long.
who knows.
but the prospect of that is what angers me so.
to have him date me..
and then turn around and date you, knowing how much it would hurt me.. not necessarily the fact that it was you. but the fact that it was someone else, so soon after we broke up.
and then you guys break up, and he turns around and comes right back to me?
i don't think so.
i have no idea about the sincerity of his words.
but i'm unsure enough to feel like i deserve better.
and for the record, i told him i wouldn't date him again.
that doesn't mean ever.
it just means not now.
we can enjoy each others company, perhaps.. and that's only if he kisses my ass enough to make me forgive him for being such a dick. which is doubtful.
but i couldn't have a relationship with him.
we are both leaving.
i am not as naive as you think.
and clearly, something was wrong with the relationship before, if it ended the way it did.
i'm not really one for "second chances" or whatever. if something goes wrong, its for a reason.
but the way i see it, he didn't get the best of us.. we got the best of him. he lost "the game", by screwing things up with the two most amazing girls he's ever been lucky enough to date. and whether he realizes that or not, i'll never know.
listen.
you and i are different. in some ways, you are stronger than me. in some ways, i am stronger than you. but we're both weak. we don't want to admit it, but we are. and things happen to the both of us for a reason. i don't think it's a coincidence that we are attracted to the same guys, and go through similar scenarios. i think friends exist to help get us through parts of our lives. we may lose touch one day, but i hope you'll always know that these last few years, you've helped me in more ways than you think. i find solace just knowing that you understand what i'm going through at times, because you've been there. and all that i ask is that you don't view me in such a negative light. i apologize for being "stupid" and "pathetic" and "flaky" and for lowering my standards, as you seem to think. it hurts to know that you feel this way, and can't at least speak to me personally about it. but if the friendship ends here, i want to thank you for being there for me through everything. it was always important to me.
and for the record, i have meant everything i've ever said.
at least when i said it.
is it such a crime as to change your mind about how you feel?
and would i be out of line to suggest that maybe you had done the same, right before you heard about this weekend?
are we supposed to be so irrational as to never change our minds on things? to say something, and never turn back? to stand by what you said in that single moment, for the rest of time?
i believe that everyone is a hypocrite.
that is the one word that i hate being called, and will never call someone else.
it is completely stupid and pointless.
we are allowed to change our opinions. to make mistakes and learn from them, even if it means doing something we promised we'd never do. it is what makes us human. NO ONE stands by every decision that they've ever made, their entire life. we all have been hypocrites about one thing or another.. we are constantly changing our feelings and beliefs over the course of our lives.. whether it is short-term or long-term.. that is the beauty of it all. we grow and learn.
some people just make me sad sometimes.
really, really sad.
i don't understand how you can have so much disdain for so many people, without reason.
stop trying to judge people by their behavior, and just judge them as people.
we all have our shortcomings, and they are what make us TRULY equal.
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<333
armstrong.
i analyze everything waay too much.
i am incredibly insecure and quite confident at the same time.
i don't think there is a single person in this world that knows me well enough to know my deepest secrets.
and that saddens me.
it is part of what contributes to how alone i feel sometimes.
and often i feel the only way to counteract that loneliness is by seeking companionship with others.
false companionship, even.
friends and family i've got.
but a guy who cares about me as much as i care for him?
that, i'm lacking.
therefore, guys are my weakness.
i fall for too many of them.
i believe most of what they say.
i get bored and tired with the guys that i do date, and break up with them in hopes of something better.
i don't take chances.
i'm too much of a romantic to accept that love isn't like it is in the movies.
but above all, i just seek a relationship with far more guys than i'd like.
if i don't much care for someone, i rework everything in my head until i do.
i focus on their strong points, and hide their weaknesses until i'm too far into the relationship and can't handle them anymore.
maybe i'm just as much at fault as the guys.
i don't treat them any better than they treat me, sometimes.
but the more guys i date, and the more frustrated i get, the worse it becomes.
i am constantly looking for something greater.
i know that love comes when it is supposed to, and that you don't go seeking it, it just comes to you.
but fuck that.
knowing that doesn't stop me from believing that every guy might be "the one" if i just gave him a chance.
my thought processes are completely wrong.
i have never been one for self-control.
although i'd like to...
i can't control my compulsive spending.
i can't control what i eat.
i can't control my longing for real love.
i don't hold back.
i go for what i want.
i act on a whim.
i do irresponsible things that lead to irresponsible decisions that i may or may not regret later.
but i think with my heart before i think with my head.
i don't know what happened with nick and i this weekend.
it wasn't physical.. though we did kiss.
but i had forgotten what it felt like to really laugh.
to really feel.. something.
when we were dating, i didn't know what the something was.
it wasn't love. and it isn't now. but there's something.
i don't know if it's the fact that our personalities are so similar that we just complement each other..
i have no idea.
but the feelings came back when we saw each other.
and i threw caution to the wind, and just went with it.
and of course, now i just feel like an idiot.
nick could have been feeding me complete bullshit, and i probably would have believed it, because it was everything i wanted and needed to hear after so long.
who knows.
but the prospect of that is what angers me so.
to have him date me..
and then turn around and date you, knowing how much it would hurt me.. not necessarily the fact that it was you. but the fact that it was someone else, so soon after we broke up.
and then you guys break up, and he turns around and comes right back to me?
i don't think so.
i have no idea about the sincerity of his words.
but i'm unsure enough to feel like i deserve better.
and for the record, i told him i wouldn't date him again.
that doesn't mean ever.
it just means not now.
we can enjoy each others company, perhaps.. and that's only if he kisses my ass enough to make me forgive him for being such a dick. which is doubtful.
but i couldn't have a relationship with him.
we are both leaving.
i am not as naive as you think.
and clearly, something was wrong with the relationship before, if it ended the way it did.
i'm not really one for "second chances" or whatever. if something goes wrong, its for a reason.
but the way i see it, he didn't get the best of us.. we got the best of him. he lost "the game", by screwing things up with the two most amazing girls he's ever been lucky enough to date. and whether he realizes that or not, i'll never know.
listen.
you and i are different. in some ways, you are stronger than me. in some ways, i am stronger than you. but we're both weak. we don't want to admit it, but we are. and things happen to the both of us for a reason. i don't think it's a coincidence that we are attracted to the same guys, and go through similar scenarios. i think friends exist to help get us through parts of our lives. we may lose touch one day, but i hope you'll always know that these last few years, you've helped me in more ways than you think. i find solace just knowing that you understand what i'm going through at times, because you've been there. and all that i ask is that you don't view me in such a negative light. i apologize for being "stupid" and "pathetic" and "flaky" and for lowering my standards, as you seem to think. it hurts to know that you feel this way, and can't at least speak to me personally about it. but if the friendship ends here, i want to thank you for being there for me through everything. it was always important to me.
and for the record, i have meant everything i've ever said.
at least when i said it.
is it such a crime as to change your mind about how you feel?
and would i be out of line to suggest that maybe you had done the same, right before you heard about this weekend?
are we supposed to be so irrational as to never change our minds on things? to say something, and never turn back? to stand by what you said in that single moment, for the rest of time?
i believe that everyone is a hypocrite.
that is the one word that i hate being called, and will never call someone else.
it is completely stupid and pointless.
we are allowed to change our opinions. to make mistakes and learn from them, even if it means doing something we promised we'd never do. it is what makes us human. NO ONE stands by every decision that they've ever made, their entire life. we all have been hypocrites about one thing or another.. we are constantly changing our feelings and beliefs over the course of our lives.. whether it is short-term or long-term.. that is the beauty of it all. we grow and learn.
some people just make me sad sometimes.
really, really sad.
i don't understand how you can have so much disdain for so many people, without reason.
stop trying to judge people by their behavior, and just judge them as people.
we all have our shortcomings, and they are what make us TRULY equal.
<333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333
<333
armstrong.