(no subject)
Please everyone just excuse this entry, because it is not going to be a good one.. I am not going back over it to make sure anything makes sense, I am literally just typing as fast as I can to get things off my chest.
I just had a really bad night. Which sucks because it started out being the most fun I've had probably the whole semester. And then I just let everything build up and get to me, and the more I let it get to me, the more upset I get with myself, because I should know better than that.
All I wanted was to have a fun night downtown with one of my best friends before she graduates. And for her to want to go home at 12, and go to bed, really just hurts my feelings more than anything. It's literally the decision to A) go home and go to bed or B) stay downtown and have fun with my roommate/best friend. And she constantly picks option A, which bothers me more than you'll ever know. I know that late night is for singles.. but at the same time, I don't understand why you can't just have fun with your girlfriends.
I'd like to think that I'm a great person to go to the bars with. I buy shit for other people. I stay out til the wee hours of the morning. If I know you're uncomfortable, I won't leave your side the whole night. I won't leave the bar without making sure that each and every one of my friends is accounted for. I'm a great wingwoman.. I can sure as hell talk a girl up to make a guy like her, and same with talking a girl into liking a guy. I go out to have fun, but I make sure to be considerate of my friends when I'm out.
So for this friend of mine to repeatedly choose to go to bed early instead of hanging out with me, really pisses me off more than anything. Especially on nights like tonight, where I'm having the time of my life. And the thing about it is, so was she! We played the most intense, fun game I have ever played in a bar, and it was constant action, and constant laughing and cheering, and it was just overall such a good time. So for her to want to go home at 12, it just makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. Like what can I possibly do to get her to have fun and let loose and just stay out all night and be young and enjoy her last real week in college (she's graduating Thursday). And I know that is her own decision, but I can't help but feel like there is still something more I can do.
So, while I like to think I had her best interests at heart for not wanting her to drive drunk, I moreso think I had her best interests at heart in trying to keep her having a great time. But no matter what, some people are just stuck in there ways and that's that. It's just hard to accept..
And then, when I finally get home, I call the one person I know I can confide in. The one guy who can cheer me up at my worst. Granted, I rambled and vented the entire conversation, but despite that, he really didn't have much to offer at all. He gave me no helpful advice.. he made me laugh a total of ONE time in the 22 minutes we spoke.. and I got off the phone feeling just as bad, if not worse, than when I first called him. So can you really help me for being bitter and pissed off right now? I don't know.. Sometimes I think I expect too much out of people. I used to do the same thing to Garrett.. I'd get mad if he let the conversation end while knowing I was still upset, rather than still talking until I'm ok. Usually the test is when I say "Well, I guess I'm just gonna go." And if you know me well at all, you can tell in my voice if I am ok or not, and if I'm not then, please, just please, stop me. Just tell me you know I'm not alright, and you want to stay on the phone. At least then, if all else fails, I know that you cared enough to want to keep talking. Instead of making me feel like I just helped you get back to your stupid video game. Hell, I don't even care what we talk about, but just talking to me gives me a little more time before we hang up and I go back to feeling all alone in the world. That's the worst feeling of them all, and I know you didn't mean to, but tonight you contributed to that.
95% of the time you are a great friend, and you are there for me, but tonight I felt like you really let me down. I HATE the phone. I can't stand it. So for me to go out of my way to call someone is a really big deal. And tonight I called you, and you were distracted half the time, even if you don't believe it. And you didn't make me feel better. I know that isn't your job, but I just thought that out of all the people in the world, if anyone could do it, it was you. And now you've sent me some IMs about puppets, and controlling, and I don't even know what it means because half the time you type so fast you don't double-check your grammar or spelling and your sentences don't even make sense, and the other half of the time, you just tell me a story, without relating it back in a way I can understand. You're great at thinking of analogies, but they are YOUR analogies, not mine. So I don't know what they are supposed to be telling me.
Whatever. I don't know. I'm mad at you, and I'm mad at the whole world. That's what it all comes down to. And I'm stubborn as hell, so while you say I will get over it tomorrow, I don't quite know that I will. You're a guy and you can get over things really easily, but please understand that tonight you upset me, and you don't do that often, so I don't quite know how to handle it.
But hey.. if anything, you can credit yourself for bringing back my first livejournal entry in a year and a half.
Goodnight world.. please give me a happier day tomorrow.
--Kelly
I just had a really bad night. Which sucks because it started out being the most fun I've had probably the whole semester. And then I just let everything build up and get to me, and the more I let it get to me, the more upset I get with myself, because I should know better than that.
All I wanted was to have a fun night downtown with one of my best friends before she graduates. And for her to want to go home at 12, and go to bed, really just hurts my feelings more than anything. It's literally the decision to A) go home and go to bed or B) stay downtown and have fun with my roommate/best friend. And she constantly picks option A, which bothers me more than you'll ever know. I know that late night is for singles.. but at the same time, I don't understand why you can't just have fun with your girlfriends.
I'd like to think that I'm a great person to go to the bars with. I buy shit for other people. I stay out til the wee hours of the morning. If I know you're uncomfortable, I won't leave your side the whole night. I won't leave the bar without making sure that each and every one of my friends is accounted for. I'm a great wingwoman.. I can sure as hell talk a girl up to make a guy like her, and same with talking a girl into liking a guy. I go out to have fun, but I make sure to be considerate of my friends when I'm out.
So for this friend of mine to repeatedly choose to go to bed early instead of hanging out with me, really pisses me off more than anything. Especially on nights like tonight, where I'm having the time of my life. And the thing about it is, so was she! We played the most intense, fun game I have ever played in a bar, and it was constant action, and constant laughing and cheering, and it was just overall such a good time. So for her to want to go home at 12, it just makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. Like what can I possibly do to get her to have fun and let loose and just stay out all night and be young and enjoy her last real week in college (she's graduating Thursday). And I know that is her own decision, but I can't help but feel like there is still something more I can do.
So, while I like to think I had her best interests at heart for not wanting her to drive drunk, I moreso think I had her best interests at heart in trying to keep her having a great time. But no matter what, some people are just stuck in there ways and that's that. It's just hard to accept..
And then, when I finally get home, I call the one person I know I can confide in. The one guy who can cheer me up at my worst. Granted, I rambled and vented the entire conversation, but despite that, he really didn't have much to offer at all. He gave me no helpful advice.. he made me laugh a total of ONE time in the 22 minutes we spoke.. and I got off the phone feeling just as bad, if not worse, than when I first called him. So can you really help me for being bitter and pissed off right now? I don't know.. Sometimes I think I expect too much out of people. I used to do the same thing to Garrett.. I'd get mad if he let the conversation end while knowing I was still upset, rather than still talking until I'm ok. Usually the test is when I say "Well, I guess I'm just gonna go." And if you know me well at all, you can tell in my voice if I am ok or not, and if I'm not then, please, just please, stop me. Just tell me you know I'm not alright, and you want to stay on the phone. At least then, if all else fails, I know that you cared enough to want to keep talking. Instead of making me feel like I just helped you get back to your stupid video game. Hell, I don't even care what we talk about, but just talking to me gives me a little more time before we hang up and I go back to feeling all alone in the world. That's the worst feeling of them all, and I know you didn't mean to, but tonight you contributed to that.
95% of the time you are a great friend, and you are there for me, but tonight I felt like you really let me down. I HATE the phone. I can't stand it. So for me to go out of my way to call someone is a really big deal. And tonight I called you, and you were distracted half the time, even if you don't believe it. And you didn't make me feel better. I know that isn't your job, but I just thought that out of all the people in the world, if anyone could do it, it was you. And now you've sent me some IMs about puppets, and controlling, and I don't even know what it means because half the time you type so fast you don't double-check your grammar or spelling and your sentences don't even make sense, and the other half of the time, you just tell me a story, without relating it back in a way I can understand. You're great at thinking of analogies, but they are YOUR analogies, not mine. So I don't know what they are supposed to be telling me.
Whatever. I don't know. I'm mad at you, and I'm mad at the whole world. That's what it all comes down to. And I'm stubborn as hell, so while you say I will get over it tomorrow, I don't quite know that I will. You're a guy and you can get over things really easily, but please understand that tonight you upset me, and you don't do that often, so I don't quite know how to handle it.
But hey.. if anything, you can credit yourself for bringing back my first livejournal entry in a year and a half.
Goodnight world.. please give me a happier day tomorrow.
--Kelly