r o s e d u s t, chp 6
• c h a p t e r 6 •
It was only a matter of time before someone stepped in to say it was enough. Everyone already knew, but no one truly had the courage over the past months to come out and say it, seeing Hara like this, the fragile glass doll she had become and that crack in her soul that was just a touch away from shattering her into a thousand pieces.
But enough was enough.
Key didn’t tell anyone what happened the last day Hara went into Minho’s room, but whatever was left of her that was taken back home for the thousandth time, it was clear as day that this just couldn’t go on anymore.
Even after a few days of dreamless sleep that would usually be enough for Hara to rest and recover, she didn’t go back to Shinee’s dorm. Even the next day, and the next, and the next, she didn’t leave Kara’s dorm and Shinee were assured they would no longer need to worry because this time she wouldn’t come back.
Hara was locked away inside the dorm, inside her room, and the Kara members would make sure this time that she stayed there no matter what she did.
Kara’s individual careers had restarted after the long hiatus, with Gyuri officially resuming her radio show and Seungyeon making subtle but regular appearances at musical events. The younger members, however, were kept low-key for the time being for their own safety.
Even with the agonizingly slow months that passed, the media had yet to move on from the tragedy and were still eagerly waiting on Hara for something exciting to happen, stalking outside the dorms like a couple of vultures who knew an ending was coming, a magnificent and spectacular ending, but they just didn’t know when.
The decision to lock Hara up hadn’t always been so firmly put into place as it was now. At first, she had been allowed to roam the dorm harmlessly, just peering inside to simply marvel at the emptiness like a curious child who was finding the world, but no one knew what was she was searching for.
No one else knew about the porcelain knight, no one except Key. No one knew why she would always reach for it when she was Minho’s room, why she would cradle it in her arms, why she would place it back where she left it at the end of the day, why the cycle would repeat each night after that.
Those nights that she went to Shinee’s dorm, Hara would indulge in her world of memories she couldn’t find anywhere else, filled with that perfect bliss and wonderful like in the fairytale books told to her as a child. But with these magical moments she knew the spell would end like it did each day, when the clock strikes midnight and it would disappear again back to the way it was. Her perfect world dissolving back into its state of imperfection, her dress turning back into rags, her carriage turning back into a pumpkin, and she would be pulled back to the hollowness of reality that was painful to the point of suffocation.
Yet still, Hara could keep living. She could still contain enough strength for the next night, not breaking and not cracking, because she still had something to keep her yearning, to remind her that it was still there for her, just for her.
Her glass slipper.
The porcelain knight.
Hara seemed to have forgotten, or perhaps her mind wasn’t able to comprehend from the trauma of that day, but she searched for the porcelain knight, for her glass slipper, as if it was still sitting in all its glory at the top of Minho’s shelf, as if it never smashed into pieces right in front of her eyes like her lost hopes and dreams.
She was dazed and no one was able to snap her out of it, just wanting and searching for anything that remotely resembled the shape and size of the porcelain knight. Anything.
It was that fateful evening when Seungyeon came home to be greeted by the sight of Hara tittering on top of a chair, unscrewing one of the lightbulbs on the ceiling in Nicole’s bedroom. Her eyes were glistening with delight as if she was reaching for a star, but the blazing hot orb scorched her delicate fingers, making her drop it onto the ground where it shattered with a crisp ring echoing through the room.
The manager carefully discussed with the company’s president to meet up with Hara’s parents to formally organize for her to see a doctor. In the meantime before they could figure out a solution, there was no choice but to lock Hara in her room, taking strict precautions in case she brought harm to herself.
Enough was enough.
Until then, none of the girls were to reveal to anyone of the plans for Hara in fears that the news would leak to the media, and a confrontation right now was something they were not prepared for. With the rumors of Minho and Hara’s relationship still not clarified due to Hara’s critical condition, it was obvious the press were not going to be kind if a story like this was to break out.
Gyuri was most affected by the changes, having been uneasy from the start. She protested against having Hara’s door locked after finding her scratching and picking at the doorframe that the wood came apart, arguing that there shouldn’t be any reason to be so strict if there were other members at home and that it was too cruel, being forced to just watch her dongsaeng like this.
But her pleads were coldly dismissed, and no one else came up to speak against the restrictions after that. It wasn’t like they didn’t know, it wasn’t like they thought Gyuri was unreasonable, because she wasn’t, even the manager knew, but all of them understood that it would have never come to this point if it wasn’t the last resort to take for Hara’s sake.
Nicole was there to see it, watching grimly from the door with her head on the frame when the manager scolded Gyuri for her soft heart, but she didn’t say a word even though her heart was pulsing so painfully for her friend, because she knew their pity would hurt Hara more than anything else. It was the reason she had fallen in so deep.
They only needed to put up with this for one more week, one more week until Hara would get the help she needed, so in this last week nothing could happen to trigger her emotions.
The manager made sure the members all understood it loud and clear; even though Hara went into her daze and momentarily lost her lucidity, they had to keep her calm and not upset her. If she was living her fantasy, let her indulge in it. Don’t rip her out of it as violently as Key almost had the other day, or else that would be it.
She was one step away from total self-destruction.
So they agreed, the four girls agreed with heavy hearts to swallow their words and bear it.
It was noon, and all 5 of them were at home that day. The dorm was quiet with the members separated from each other by the solid walls, deafening silence clouding the rooms that it seemed like even breathing was absent. At least to Gyuri, who was alone in the kitchen, each shuffle and clank magnifying in the emptiness, but she chose to not let it bother her, keeping her mind on her task at hand.
She had been busy since morning, diligently making a simple meal for Hara. She had cooked the rice and prepared some deliciously marinated meat taught to her by her mother. Since the weather was cold, she also heated up some soup left over from last night’s meal with the other members, because Gyuri knew it was Hara’s favourite. She placed the food into separate bowls onto a tray to carry to Hara’s room, guilt scraping the inside of her heart as she thought about why Hara was locked in there in the first place, why she hadn’t been able to sit and eat with them… all of it reminding Gyuri that she had consented to that decision.
Her hand shook violently as she lifted up the soup, almost making some of it spill out but thankfully she managed to place it down quickly. Gyuri stared down at her trembling right hand, her eyes dark and weary in a way that didn’t suit someone so young, but she ignored it and just stilled it with her left, her tired mind too preoccupied with other thoughts to be worried about that. She hadn’t been able to sleep well these days, sick with worry about Hara, and her room being right next to hers, Gyuri would sometimes lie awake purposely, listening for any disturbances in case she would have to come running.
It was all she could do; protect Hara when she was awake, pray in her dreams for her safety when she was asleep. The days seemed to go by too slowly, and each second seeing Hara trapped like a bird in a cage drove a dagger through Gyuri’s heart.
She had to do her best to pass the time, so she put herself in charge of making sure Hara was at least eating something during the day. It was difficult now because Hara was so distracted that she didn’t even tell anyone if she hungry or not, leaving the other members to try and keep track of when they would need to feed her. It was so different from the girl who used to always come out to bother whoever was cooking that day when she was hungry before dinnertime.
Sometimes, she would go into Gyuri’s room to sweetly coo her unnie into making a special dish for her, usually picking the worst possible times to do it when Gyuri was either working at her laptop or exhausted from a long day. Nonetheless, it almost always resulted in the older member reluctantly complying to cook for her, but only after berating the younger girl for such randomness.
The leader shivered as she remembered those moments she used to take for granted, feeling guilty at how Hara could so easily get her to do what she wanted by simply coaxing her with a sweetness only she was capable of. Gyuri stared at the bowl of rice on the tray, biting hard on the inside of her cheek.
The Hara who used to be so happy and cheerful before Minho died, the Hara who used to laugh every day and lived life to the fullest…
What were the chances that she would never recover and become that Hara again?
“Argh!”
Pain exploded in Gyuri’s hand when she accidentally touched the hot soup bowl. She quickly clasped her fingers tightly and squeezed them hard, choking on her breath as she held back from crying out again. Her eyes stung, the shock adding to the heavy weight on Gyuri’s aching shoulders, becoming almost unbearable on her exhausted body.
She was just so tired, but she couldn’t be like this. Not now, not when Hara needed her. She was the leader, she was the unnie. She had to do her best to take care of her dongsaeng. She had to be strong.
Gyuri slapped her cheeks repeatedly with both hands and took a deep breath to quickly snap herself out of it. Turning back to the food, she hastily finished preparing, keeping her mind focused on getting it done for Hara. Gyuri dusted her hands and reached into her pocket, pulling out a key and setting it down next on the bowl of soup. With another deep breath to compose herself, she carefully picked up the tray and headed to the direction of Hara’s bedroom.
These days it was quiet enough for anyone to assume they were alone in the dorm even if they weren’t, but there was music coming from the main room today. It was probably coming from a radio someone had left on and was playing softly at a low volume, but Gyuri didn’t stop at all to see if anyone was in there and just hurried past to Hara’s door on the other side of the dorm.
She bit on her bottom lip, dread suddenly rising up in her chest as she used the key to unlock the door. She turned it in the lock and there with a click, a click that was loud enough to send echoes through the room. Gyuri hadn’t realized that everything at this end of the corridor was so still and quiet, and she breathed out slowly again, ignoring the uneasy feelings brewing inside her from reaching this point. She opened the door very quietly and peered in to check first before she made her presence known.
The first thing she expected to see was Hara’s back standing at the window, having found her that way every time she had come in for the past fortnight, but today Hara was sitting on the floor next to her bed with a wooden box in front of her. She was looking for something, or perhaps she was just looking through everything in the box, digging her hands deep inside with dozens of photographs spilling out onto the ground.
That box… Gyuri knew where that box had come from. She saw it when Hara carried it into their first apartment with her other belongings, when Hara first moved in a Kara member. She had brought it all the way to Seoul from her hometown, and it was something her grandmother said would give her good luck. Something like a treasure box where she stored the things she liked so she wouldn’t forget about them in her hectic life as an idol. It was a simple box made of thin wood, light but sturdy, and it seemed to be something Hara had in her possession since she was very young, painted white and decorated with colourful beads on the lid. It was childish, but at the same time, it seemed to be a time capsule that held some of Hara’s most precious moments.
Gyuri had only seen the box once but never gave it a thought since Hara always kept it under her bed and never spoke about it. She always thought things like soft toys, fan gifts, good luck charms or simple snapshots with close friends to be among the items inside Hara’s treasure box, but Gyuri knew now that she was wrong.
Hara had filled it with photographs of Minho. All the ones they had taken together when they were together, even the ones that dated back to when they were still just acquaintances after debuting. There were the ones where they stood for group shots with other band members and idols, and then there were the private selcas of their sweet moments together, some of them taken backstage during a concert in their full stage outfits and makeup, looking so happy yet so tired and worn. Thinking about those hard times made Gyuri’s heart ache, knowing they had been through so much to hold onto their relationship and that these were souvenirs they could never share with the rest of the world.
This world that was far too cruel to them.
Gyuri stepped inside the room and pulled the door shut with a snap louder than intended. Hara glanced up at the noise, looking quizzical and disgruntled from being interrupted, but a beaming smile spread across her lips when she saw who it was.
“Gyuri unnie.”
Her face was thin and pale and her voice was soft and weak but it was filled with sincerity, her eyes shimmering with genuine happiness to see her bandmate. After all those other times coming in to find Hara so cold and distant, Gyuri let out an almost tearful laugh of relief.
“Hara yah,” she murmured. Hara’s smile widened and her eyes became crescent moons at the sound of her name; it had been a long time since Gyuri had seen her smile like that, and she struggled to smile back. She raised the tray, carefully stepping over the photographs. “I made you some food. Are you hungry?”
But Hara didn’t rely, just returning her attention to the photographs with a light-hearted dreamy smile, the abrupt change pulling Gyuri out of her temporary moment of relief.
No matter what, Hara wasn’t alright. Even if she seemed to return to her old self for just a brief moment, she was still fragile like a flower that Gyuri couldn’t afford to let her guard down.
Gyuri just bit her lip and quietly sat down next to her, watching with dismay as Hara excitedly went through the content of her treasure box, humming happily to herself. Gyuri mixed some rice into the soup bowl, the metal spoon clanking mutely against the base as she beat the clumps apart, and she listened to all the stories with each photograph Hara showed her.
She was thankful that her presence wasn’t ignored this time, but Gyuri was told not to trigger Hara’s emotions, whether positive or negative, so she couldn’t respond enthusiastically as she would have back then, just smiling and nodding when Hara laughed and leaned her head to the side that her hair lightly grazed Gyuri’ shoulder.
Gyuri wanted to just forget everything and hug her, hug her and feel in her arms that warm soul of the bandmate she loved and cherished, but that wasn’t possible right now. Not when everything that made Hara laugh so happily came from such twisted roots.
Gyuri gently blew on the spoonful of watery rice and sipped a bit of the soup, the tangy salty taste crisp on her tongue. She kept her other hand under the spoon so it wouldn’t spill and held it out to Hara.
“Hara,” she began, adjusting her smile again. Hara didn’t look at her, a giggle passing through her pale lips, and she held out a dog-eared polaroid for the older girl to see.
“Look at this one,” she said, beaming. She moved closer and their elbows bumped, the photograph held in view in front for both of them to see. “Remember this, unnie?”
It was a simple picture taken with an amateur camera that captured a place that appeared to be an amusement park of some kind, judging from the background. It seemed a completely random choice since there wasn’t anything romantic going on at all, even though Hara and Minho were in it, as well as a third person. Gyuri recognized it to be herself, causing a memory she had once disregarded for its irrelevance coming back to her as if a film was being played before her eyes.
The three of them were standing together in their winter clothes at the entrance to Lotte World, their expressions somewhat confused and showing that they hadn’t been ready when the camera snapped this moment.
“Jonghyun took this photo, right?” Hara chuckled softly, leaning her head on Gyuri’s shoulder. “He wasn’t very good.” The older girl’s smile dimmed a little, a pang of sadness in her chest as she retraced her memories, remembering the day like it was just last week.
It was one year ago, almost exactly one year ago on a clear winter’s day, one of the first dates Hara and Minho had gone on after they finally decided to date in broad daylight. Gyuri remembered they had been too overconfident in their plans and were suddenly too terrified to actually go through with when the actual day came.
Instead, they turned to Plan B; bring along a bandmate with them each to double date so they could avoid suspicion. Gyuri wasn’t exactly sure how she and an equally reluctant Jonghyun ended up being dragged along, but she knew she had protested very passionately about it beforehand.
The theme park that day was thankfully emptier than usual, perhaps because it was a school day, but the constant fear of being confronted kept them all on alert. While Jonghyun and Gyuri were preoccupied and unnerved, Hara and Minho took that precious moment to just forget everything else around them.
It was their one freedom, to be able to walk through the park like normal people without prying eyes and flashing cameras, even if it was for only a short period of time. Gyuri reminisced about even that wish alone seeming too much of a fantasy, so unrealistic in their world of perfection that Gyuri had probably agreed to go along to watch over them because she was afraid for them.
But for just those few moments that day, she saw for herself just how blissful they were being together.
Seeing Hara smiling affectionately at the photograph and get so absorbed in all the happier times in her past, Gyuri wondered if Hara had lost her mind from the grief and was living in her fantasy where Minho was still alive, or if she was just completely caught up in each memory she was rediscovering that it didn’t give her any time to stop and breathe.
Hara talked about those tiny little details she could still recall from that day, from what the weather was like to what they had for lunch that day, and Gyuri felt the guilt eating away at her heart like an acid.
Just this week, Gyuri thought to herself. It was only for one more week. She cleared her mind of the thoughts and remembered what she was supposed to be doing here in the first place.
“Hara yah, eat this,” she said softly, holding the spoon of food in front of Hara. She attempted her smile once again. “Please, you haven’t eaten all day.” But like always, Hara was too busy looking at the picture.
“It’s been a long time since we’ve gone to Lotte World,” she said thoughtfully with a hint of sadness. Gyuri took this chance and shoved the spoon into Hara’s mouth as she parted her lips to speak. Hara barely batted an eyelid and chewed the food like a distracted toddler. She tapped her finger on Minho’s figure, her dull eyes glowing with warmth and adoration. “He looked so handsome that day.” She swallowed, letting out a muffled giggle. “You know how Minho hated that scarf but wore it anyway because I nagged him?”
Gyuri shivered at the sound of Minho’s name coming from Hara’s lips. Just the way she said it, that endearing tone, something in her voice that sounded so much like happiness but wasn’t… it sounded so foreign. Gyuri couldn’t even remember the last time she heard her speak without that hollowness she had since waking up from the coma. It was like a half-remembered dream, the shadow of a person who no longer existed, and Gyuri suddenly felt so unsettled hearing it now, like this. She tried to smile again, really tried to smile, but her lips trembled.
“It’s been a long time,” Hara mused again. She turned to look at Gyuri straight in the face and grinned. “Hasn’t it, unnie?” Her words came out in a melodious laugh, and Gyuri mustered up all her strength not to cry. She forced a laugh to distract herself and blinked away the moistness in her eyes as quickly as she could.
She wanted to say so much but she couldn’t. She had to play along with Hara’s fantasy to protect her.
“We’ll… we’ll go next week, okay?” Gyuri told her enthusiastically in a chirpy voice, and of course Hara believed her, her beaming smile reaching up to her eyes at the response. Gyuri hated lying, and she hated even more that lying was the only thing keeping Hara safe for the moment.
Safe from herself.
There was no more talking after that, Hara sinking back into her quiet world and Gyuri not forcing her out of it. She tried to get her to eat some more but Hara was too distracted, succeeding with only two more spoons of rice and a piece of meat. Almost half an hour passed before Gyuri had no choice but to give up, allowed to simply leave with the relief that Hara had at least eaten something, no matter how little it was. Gyuri kissed Hara tenderly on the head but said nothing more, just getting up wordlessly and taking the tray of cold untouched food with her.
She closed the door and locked it again with the key, returning to the beginning of the cycle like they did every day. Gyuri stared dully at the doorknob as she slowly released it, a part still stinging with the guilt of not being able to do anything.
But she should be grateful, really grateful today. These rare times when she was normal, looking up from what she was doing when she heard them come in, giving them a soft, tired smile, and talking just a little bit to assure them she was alright… those were the times when they still had hope that the old Hara would come back.
~I’m getting mad, it’s really difficult for me~
The sound of Rain’s song brought Gyuri out of her thoughts, and she shot a glance at the main room where it was coming from. She went to the kitchen again, nonchalantly scraping the leftovers into the garbage and quickly washing up, the warm hot and gushing down so hard that it almost drowned out the music. Gyuri dried her hands just as thoroughly on the tea towel, heaving a sigh.
~But I can’t do anything about it, it’s too late to change your heart~
She peered into the main room, spotting Jiyoung sitting by herself cross-legged on the sofa writing on a notebook. Paper was scattered all around her and Gyuri caught sight of a small bright yellow portable radio next to her, the one Jiyoung’s dad had given her for her birthday.
Jiyoung had been taking refuge in the main room for almost two weeks now, doing her homework there instead of in her bedroom. It wasn’t so unusual, but Gyuri guessed she felt lonely by herself with everything kept so quiet for Hara’s sake.
With the situation, Gyuri had been worried it would make all the Kara members detached and drift away from each other, but seeing Jiyoung like this made her smile a little.
“Jiyoung ah,” she called out, stepping out from the kitchen. The sudden appearance of Gyuri’s voice almost made Jiyoung jump out of her skin, jolting in surprise and her hand flying to her chest.
“Omo, you startled me, unnie!” she exclaimed, chuckling breathily. Gyuri gave a tired smile.
“Sorry,” she muttered. She rubbed her arm and slowly walked over to the younger girl, glancing at the radio. “You’re using the radio?” Jiyoung smiled sheepishly and placed a hand on top of the small device.
“My headphones broke,” she explained, afraid that Gyuri might have been disturbed. “Is it too loud?” She made a move to turn the volume down, but Gyuri shook her head.
“No, it’s fine,” she said softly. Another faint smile. “It’s actually nice.”
~What should I do? What should I do?~
Gyuri stared up at the ceiling and just stood there for a few seconds, listening to the song and taking in the tranquil effects of the ballad. Jiyoung could tell that Gyuri was exhausted, there was always a distance between members whenever they weren’t feeling well, and they allowed each other space to heal and recover. It was harder these days though, so cold in the dorm because no one wanted to speak in case it triggered something. Everyone drifted past each other like strangers in the streets, all of them longing for that warmth to return but enduring it all for Hara.
“Hara ate a little today,” Gyuri murmured after a while.
She smiled meekly, having said it as if it was self-reassurance than a statement, but nonetheless Jiyoung heard it too. The younger girl kept her gaze firmly on her notebook, not wanting to see the look on Gyuri’s face that might or might not match the sadness of her voice. Jiyoung felt a lump form in her throat.
“It’s better than yesterday, right?” she croaked, hoping to make herself sound cheerful and failing miserably. “W-when Hara unnie wouldn’t eat anything at all.” Gyuri said nothing, just nodding her head.
Jiyoung realized Gyuri had sounded tired, no doubt even more tired than she should’ve been on a day-off like this. No one had the stamina these days to talk to each other, not that there was anyone to blame for that, but it still felt strange since everyone in the household was so lively once upon a time.
Jiyoung bit her lip and resisted the urge to ask Gyuri to stay back a little with her, just maybe sit with her, they didn’t have to talk, but she looked so worn out that Jiyoung knew the best thing to do was to let her go her way and rest as much as she good before the next confronting day would arrive. So she just kept quiet and looked away, back to her books and paper, pretending to be busy. She heard Gyuri utter a deep sigh, both of regret and relief, and a small pause in between where she felt her motherly smile on her, but she still didn’t look up. She busying herself with her homework so Gyuri wouldn’t have to feel the need to take care of her too, so she could go rest without feeling burdened. All the leader could do was acknowledge this.
They had to keep it like this for just one more week.
Gyuri turned to leave, to go back to her separate room like everyone else in the dorm, when suddenly a new song played on the radio.
A song last heard too long ago, almost forgotten, viciously ripped its existence back into their consciousness, the familiar tempo of Shinee’s Hello pounding like an erratic heartbeat.
~When I act like this I realize I’m actually young~
Jonghyun’s voice sang the first line of the song, a song all of them had tried so long to avoid, having blocked out the whole world from entering into their lives because everything, absolutely everything reminded them of Minho. The two girls were powerless to even move. It had been so long that they barely remembered what it sounded like, hoping that forgetting would numb the pain, but hearing it again seared red-hot wounds back into their bodies and souls. Hearing those voices again when they were still so blissful and young, singing from their hearts at such a carefree time in their lives…
God, how had they all come to this point?
Gyuri blinked twice and forced herself to focus back on to real life while Jiyoung, having a weaker heart, lingered for longer, her pulse matching the beat of the song as the memories flooded back in, overwhelming her. Gyuri glanced over to see this and she sighed sadly. She took the initiative to speak first, ignoring the burning sensation in her chest.
“Jiyoung ah, are you hungry?” she said softly. She preened her long hair into a ponytail and tied it up with an elastic band. “I’ll make you something to eat.”
But Jiyoung just shook her head absentmindedly. She just sat there and listened, her eyes lowering sadly when it entered the first chorus, Shinee’s voices harmonizing together perfectly with the light melody and dragging up once-buried emotions and memories.
~Who knows we might actually be together~
“I miss Minho oppa,” Jiyoung muttered. She blinked and lifted up her head to Gyuri. “He used to come over all the time… remember, unnie?”
The older girl smiled poignantly, a smile Jiyoung had always relied on to tell her it was all going to be okay, even if it wasn’t. Jiyoung bravely returned it, blinking her eyes again when they started to become itchy.
“Now... now I think I’ve forgotten what his voice sounds like.”
She paused to listen a bit more of the song, each second passing by etching the regret through the thick atmosphere that Jiyoung could almost taste it. She laughed ruefully, at herself, at the situation, at the cruelty of it all.
~Should I approach you or wait a little longer?
It’s harder when everyone else says something different~
“Unnie,” Jiyoung said. “Do you think…” She looked at Gyuri, her eyes that used to be so pure and innocent, now tainted with grief. “Do you think Shinee oppas still blame Hara unnie for what happened?” Her voice cracked and she stopped again, blinking rapidly. “Do you think they hate her?”
A bitter taste filled Gyuri’s mouth but she said nothing, just staring wordlessly at the young girl who had just asked a question that no one had dared ask, a question Gyuri couldn’t bring herself to answer. She reached out her hand and stroked Jiyoung’s hair, just smiling but not answering.
The Shinee members were the good people and they all cared for Hara, she couldn’t bear to think if they hated Hara… because if they did, she knew she couldn’t blame them. It was selfish and horrible, but that was the truth. The accident was so devastating and traumatic that even when they’ve moved on with their lives and their anger and sorrow subsided, the memories would still resurface on sleepless nights to remind them each and every day.
Gyuri remembered herself feeling hate towards both them in her grief, simply because she needed someone to blame. She hated Minho for dying and she hated Hara for loving him so much that she lost her mind, and she hated both of them for driving that night when they knew how dangerous it was with the rain, when she had told them to be careful for the millionth time…
She had hated them for so many reasons, so many selfish reasons.
“Let me out!! Someone please let me out!!”
Gyuri was ripped out of her thoughts again when the sound of Hara’s voice and frantic knocking boomed through the dorm.
“Someone let me out!” Hara cried again, still banging on the door. “Please!”
Gyuri felt her heart race a thousand miles an hour and she frantically looked over at Jiyoung, who looked just as shocked, both of them rooted to the ground and not knowing what to do. This had never happened before, Hara had always been quiet inside her room, she barely ate and she barely slept so they weren’t even sure how it was possible she could still have the strength to knock so loudly and shout. But it got louder and more desperate, and Gyuri had no choice. She exchanged a worried glance with Jiyoung and hurried back to Hara’s room. She quickly filled her mind with every other logical reason for Hara being like this, trying hard not to think about the worst case scenario. Maybe she was just thirsty or hungry or needed to go to the bathroom, there was no need to panic.
“Let me out! Please let me out!”
“Hara,” Gyuri called out breathlessly as she reached the door. She placed her hands on the wooden surface. “Hara, what’s wrong?! Are you alright?!”
“Unnie!” Hara’s voice responded immediately, high-pitched and excited in a way that it made Gyuri shudder. Something wasn’t right, but the knocking became more urgent and Gyuri could feel Hara pressed up against the door on the other side. “My phone!! I left my phone outside!! Please let me out!!”
“P-phone?” Gyuri stuttered. She looked around. “Uh… o-okay, I’ll unlock the door!” Not knowing what else to do, she fumbled through her pocket for the key, at the same time shooting a glance over her shoulder at Jiyoung who was still in the main room, looking scared to death. Gyuri finally found the key and quickly unlocked the door.
Unexpectedly, it sprung open from Hara’s grip pulling the handle inside, the force almost knocking Gyuri off her feet. Hara staggered out and didn’t even spare a glance, immediately scurrying into the corridor and looking around wildly in search for something. She wandered into the main room to where Jiyoung was, and the youngest shot to her feet.
“Hara unnie,” she began. She tried to approach her but Hara quickly scooped down and shuffled her hands through the drawers and bookshelves.
“It’s ringing,” Hara breathed. “He’s calling me. I have to answer it.”
“What’s ringing?” Jiyoung said incredulously. She strained her ears, but the only thing she could hear was the radio that was still playing music. She glanced over at Gyuri by Hara’s room for help.
“My phone,” Hara murmured, getting up again and whipped around, trying to figure out the direction of this non-existing ringing. “My phone…” Jiyoung remained still and watched as Hara stepped back and forth unsteadily, muttering under her breath and becoming more agitated by the second.
“Hara, your phone isn’t here,” Gyuri exclaimed. She had enough of watching and marched over, grabbing Hara’s wrist so she would stop turning. Hara resisted, refusing to look at her. “It’s in your room. No one took it.”
Hara shook her head hard.
“It’s not,” she muttered restlessly. “It’s not my phone, my phone is out here somewhere. I have to find it.”
She gave Gyuri a powerful shove that sent the other reeling and pushed past a stunned Jiyoung to the drawer cupboard beside the sofa. She got down on her knees and promptly emptied out all the content onto the floor, spreading it all out with her hands so that everything could be seen. The maknae stood speechless at having witnessed this action, while Gyuri stared wide-eyed, her mind racing.
No, she knew for a fact that Hara’s phone could not be anywhere out here. Something must have triggered her to react like this, something abnormal. There was no way her phone could be outside, Gyuri saw the manager taking out the batteries and putting it away in the drawer in Hara’s room. No one had touched it since, so it had to still be there. Gyuri’s heart pounded at her throat, and she rushed back to Hara’s room.
She threw the door open and took a quick glance around, seeing the photographs still all over the floor and the treasure box tipped over so it was all emptied out. A thousand thoughts were flying in different directions through her head that it made her dizzy, having to hold onto the door handle to keep herself steady. Her eyes darted to the drawer at Hara’s desk, having a mind to immediately go through it, but her blood then ran cold when she spotted something near the foot of the bed. Unsure but unsettled at the same time, Gyuri carefully approached it, each step making the sense of horror in her chest expand, until the full outline of what she was looking at came into view.
It was Hara’s phone, completely dispatched and reduced to a pile of broken plastic and glass.
Gyuri’s mind went blank and her breathing ceased. The whole thing broken was to the point that it seemed impossible by Hara’s soft delicate hands. Gyuri sank to her knees and trembled as her hand pushed aside the pieces to reveal the keychain of a small Hello Kitty figurine, something Minho had given Hara as a gift a long time ago. The room silenced eerily and the music from the radio still playing in the background, forgotten completely up until now, suddenly became crystal clear. It was like a switch had clicked in the back of Gyuri’s mind, a twisted realization dawning on her far too late.
~Hello hello, I acted confidently~
Minho’s ringtone. Minho’s ringtone was Hello.
Gyuri leapt to her feet and ran as fast as she could back out into the main room.
Jiyoung had joined Hara on the floor, tentatively trying to help her on her knees to go through anything within tangible reach. But Hara didn’t even seem to notice her there at all, becoming more anxious and carelessly throwing everything she could put her hands on out of the way, some items even hitting Jiyoung beside her.
“TURN OFF THE RADIO!”
Jiyoung jumped at the sound of the leader’s distressed voice, her head snapping up in alarm.
“Unnie, what-“
“TURN IT OFF!!” Gyuri screamed. “IT’S THE SONG!!! THE SONG IS MINHO’S RINGTONE!!”
Frightened, Jiyoung backed away when Gyuri rushed over and grabbed Hara’s arm, pulling her forcefully up from her knees. She held Hara firmly by the shoulders so she was looking at her, the younger girl reacting with shock and bewilderment. She squirmed in Gyuri’s grip, her breathing becoming more and more laboured as she struggled feverishly to get free.
~Hello hello, I might stutter a little, though~
“HARA!” Gyuri said, trying to shake her out of it. “HARA!!”
“My phone,” Hara muttered feebly, tossing her head back and forth, pushing and pulling. “He’s calling me, let me answer it.”
“Listen to me!” Gyuri roughly gripped Hara’s jaw and forced her to look into her face, but Hara thrashed, refusing eye contact. “Listen to me! Minho isn’t calling you, it isn’t your phone!”
Something was wrong; Jiyoung couldn’t get the radio to turn off. The knobs and buttons stopped working, she couldn’t turn the volume down or off, and she realized unplugging it was useless as well because it was running on batteries all this time. A panic-stricken Jiyoung tried to keep her mind clear and turned the radio to its back, only to find that the batteries couldn’t be removed without the screws being taken out, hence giving her no way of turning the thing off.
“Let go!!” Hara gasped hysterically. Her eyes were blank and unblinking, but she fought with every fiber of her strength as Gyuri used her whole body to try and hold her still. “Please let go, unnie! Minho always calls me at this time! He’s waiting for me! Oh God, let me go!! Please!!” The anguish in her voice cut into Gyuri’s soul like a knife, but she held firm. “Please!! Please let me go!”
Minho did used to always call at this time, at this very time every day, and the song Hara chose for his ringtone would always bring her delight and excitement whenever she heard it. He would sometimes call her out to have lunch, or if he was in the middle of a schedule or overseas promoting, he would just call to hear her voice. They would talk for hours about nothing, earning eye rolls and chuckles of amusement from their bandmates, but it was something that became a part of their day, a part of their lives.
It was a routine Hara had been conditioned to, always waiting for his call, and he would call every day until that last day when it all stopped forever.
Gyuri cried out in pain when Hara landed hard blows on her chest and jaw with her elbows in her frenzied struggle, hurting the older girl and making her buck forward, but still Gyuri refused to let go. Hara squeezed shut her eyes and shook her head, her long hair whipping across her own face.
~This is not the first time
Truthfully I’ve loved and parted~
Seungyeon and Nicole were alerted by the noise and had rushed out of their rooms, shocked at the sight of Gyuri and Hara fighting for control. Gyuri shot a distraught glance at them from over Hara’s shoulder, barely able to hold on as her strength started to deteriorate. The younger girl was thrashing violently, breaking apart Gyuri’s ponytail.
“C-call an ambulance!” she choked, but then Hara’s powerful arms shoved her again, this time sending her crashing onto the floor so hard that she couldn’t get up straight away. “Stop her!!” Nicole saw Hara make a move towards the front door and charged at her, seizing her by the wrists and doing whatever she could to restrain her.
~But it’s hard, please believe in me~
All this time, the music hadn’t stopped, and Jiyoung was now using her fingernails to desperately pry off the plastic covering over the battery holder, gritting her teeth as it cut into her skin. Her breath came out in short puffs, blinded by panic and tears streaming down her face.
~You are different~
“It won’t turn off!” Jiyoung sobbed. “Unnie, it won’t turn off!”
Hearing her dongsaeng’s distress, all thought disappeared from Seungyeon’s mind and she ran straight to her, taking the radio from her as the younger girl collapsed on the sofa, disorientated and crying. They heard Gyuri yelling and Nicole letting out a scream of pain.
~Hello hello, this time I’ll put myself out there~
Seungyeon hurled the radio to the ground with both hands and smashed it, the music coming to an abrupt halt. Hara’s cries of protest became audible again, ringing through the whole apartment as Gyuri clapped a blanket over her from behind, holding her arms down at her side. Hara tried to thrash again but the thickness of the blanket was wrapped so tightly that she couldn’t move. Gyuri took no chances and pressed Hara down chest-first onto the hard wooden floor with Jiyoung and Nicole’s help, the youngest crawling on top of Hara and using her whole body to pin her down.
“Call an ambulance!!” Gyuri shouted urgently at Seungyeon, her eyes flashing. “DO IT NOW!!” The second eldest looked at her in shock.
“But Gyuri, the reporters…”
“I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE REPORTERS!! CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!”
Seungyeon was too stunned to reply and bolted to the kitchen for the phone.
Nicole ignored the aches in her body and the blood trickling down her left cheek from where Hara had clawed at her face, keeping her arms firmly in position while Gyuri secured the blanket around Hara, trapping her. Hara squirmed and twisted like a fish caught in a net but couldn’t move under Jiyoung’s weight, hyperventilating and whimpering. Jiyoung dissolved into tears.
“Unnie, stop…” she pleaded. She wrapped her arms around Hara and enveloped her in a hug that was supposed to protect her, but she knew it couldn’t. “Please stop...”
“Hara yah…” Nicole began to cry too, begging Hara to wake up and telling her over and over again that it wasn’t Minho, but it was to no valid. Gyuri shakily pushed herself up onto her knees, clutching her bruised hip as she stared gravely at her fallen member.
~Hello hello~
3 minutes was all it took for Kara’s world to come crashing down.
-
It was only a matter of time before someone stepped in to say it was enough. Everyone already knew, but no one truly had the courage over the past months to come out and say it, seeing Hara like this, the fragile glass doll she had become and that crack in her soul that was just a touch away from shattering her into a thousand pieces.
But enough was enough.
Key didn’t tell anyone what happened the last day Hara went into Minho’s room, but whatever was left of her that was taken back home for the thousandth time, it was clear as day that this just couldn’t go on anymore.
Even after a few days of dreamless sleep that would usually be enough for Hara to rest and recover, she didn’t go back to Shinee’s dorm. Even the next day, and the next, and the next, she didn’t leave Kara’s dorm and Shinee were assured they would no longer need to worry because this time she wouldn’t come back.
Hara was locked away inside the dorm, inside her room, and the Kara members would make sure this time that she stayed there no matter what she did.
Kara’s individual careers had restarted after the long hiatus, with Gyuri officially resuming her radio show and Seungyeon making subtle but regular appearances at musical events. The younger members, however, were kept low-key for the time being for their own safety.
Even with the agonizingly slow months that passed, the media had yet to move on from the tragedy and were still eagerly waiting on Hara for something exciting to happen, stalking outside the dorms like a couple of vultures who knew an ending was coming, a magnificent and spectacular ending, but they just didn’t know when.
The decision to lock Hara up hadn’t always been so firmly put into place as it was now. At first, she had been allowed to roam the dorm harmlessly, just peering inside to simply marvel at the emptiness like a curious child who was finding the world, but no one knew what was she was searching for.
No one else knew about the porcelain knight, no one except Key. No one knew why she would always reach for it when she was Minho’s room, why she would cradle it in her arms, why she would place it back where she left it at the end of the day, why the cycle would repeat each night after that.
Those nights that she went to Shinee’s dorm, Hara would indulge in her world of memories she couldn’t find anywhere else, filled with that perfect bliss and wonderful like in the fairytale books told to her as a child. But with these magical moments she knew the spell would end like it did each day, when the clock strikes midnight and it would disappear again back to the way it was. Her perfect world dissolving back into its state of imperfection, her dress turning back into rags, her carriage turning back into a pumpkin, and she would be pulled back to the hollowness of reality that was painful to the point of suffocation.
Yet still, Hara could keep living. She could still contain enough strength for the next night, not breaking and not cracking, because she still had something to keep her yearning, to remind her that it was still there for her, just for her.
Her glass slipper.
The porcelain knight.
Hara seemed to have forgotten, or perhaps her mind wasn’t able to comprehend from the trauma of that day, but she searched for the porcelain knight, for her glass slipper, as if it was still sitting in all its glory at the top of Minho’s shelf, as if it never smashed into pieces right in front of her eyes like her lost hopes and dreams.
She was dazed and no one was able to snap her out of it, just wanting and searching for anything that remotely resembled the shape and size of the porcelain knight. Anything.
It was that fateful evening when Seungyeon came home to be greeted by the sight of Hara tittering on top of a chair, unscrewing one of the lightbulbs on the ceiling in Nicole’s bedroom. Her eyes were glistening with delight as if she was reaching for a star, but the blazing hot orb scorched her delicate fingers, making her drop it onto the ground where it shattered with a crisp ring echoing through the room.
The manager carefully discussed with the company’s president to meet up with Hara’s parents to formally organize for her to see a doctor. In the meantime before they could figure out a solution, there was no choice but to lock Hara in her room, taking strict precautions in case she brought harm to herself.
Enough was enough.
Until then, none of the girls were to reveal to anyone of the plans for Hara in fears that the news would leak to the media, and a confrontation right now was something they were not prepared for. With the rumors of Minho and Hara’s relationship still not clarified due to Hara’s critical condition, it was obvious the press were not going to be kind if a story like this was to break out.
Gyuri was most affected by the changes, having been uneasy from the start. She protested against having Hara’s door locked after finding her scratching and picking at the doorframe that the wood came apart, arguing that there shouldn’t be any reason to be so strict if there were other members at home and that it was too cruel, being forced to just watch her dongsaeng like this.
But her pleads were coldly dismissed, and no one else came up to speak against the restrictions after that. It wasn’t like they didn’t know, it wasn’t like they thought Gyuri was unreasonable, because she wasn’t, even the manager knew, but all of them understood that it would have never come to this point if it wasn’t the last resort to take for Hara’s sake.
Nicole was there to see it, watching grimly from the door with her head on the frame when the manager scolded Gyuri for her soft heart, but she didn’t say a word even though her heart was pulsing so painfully for her friend, because she knew their pity would hurt Hara more than anything else. It was the reason she had fallen in so deep.
They only needed to put up with this for one more week, one more week until Hara would get the help she needed, so in this last week nothing could happen to trigger her emotions.
The manager made sure the members all understood it loud and clear; even though Hara went into her daze and momentarily lost her lucidity, they had to keep her calm and not upset her. If she was living her fantasy, let her indulge in it. Don’t rip her out of it as violently as Key almost had the other day, or else that would be it.
She was one step away from total self-destruction.
So they agreed, the four girls agreed with heavy hearts to swallow their words and bear it.
It was noon, and all 5 of them were at home that day. The dorm was quiet with the members separated from each other by the solid walls, deafening silence clouding the rooms that it seemed like even breathing was absent. At least to Gyuri, who was alone in the kitchen, each shuffle and clank magnifying in the emptiness, but she chose to not let it bother her, keeping her mind on her task at hand.
She had been busy since morning, diligently making a simple meal for Hara. She had cooked the rice and prepared some deliciously marinated meat taught to her by her mother. Since the weather was cold, she also heated up some soup left over from last night’s meal with the other members, because Gyuri knew it was Hara’s favourite. She placed the food into separate bowls onto a tray to carry to Hara’s room, guilt scraping the inside of her heart as she thought about why Hara was locked in there in the first place, why she hadn’t been able to sit and eat with them… all of it reminding Gyuri that she had consented to that decision.
Her hand shook violently as she lifted up the soup, almost making some of it spill out but thankfully she managed to place it down quickly. Gyuri stared down at her trembling right hand, her eyes dark and weary in a way that didn’t suit someone so young, but she ignored it and just stilled it with her left, her tired mind too preoccupied with other thoughts to be worried about that. She hadn’t been able to sleep well these days, sick with worry about Hara, and her room being right next to hers, Gyuri would sometimes lie awake purposely, listening for any disturbances in case she would have to come running.
It was all she could do; protect Hara when she was awake, pray in her dreams for her safety when she was asleep. The days seemed to go by too slowly, and each second seeing Hara trapped like a bird in a cage drove a dagger through Gyuri’s heart.
She had to do her best to pass the time, so she put herself in charge of making sure Hara was at least eating something during the day. It was difficult now because Hara was so distracted that she didn’t even tell anyone if she hungry or not, leaving the other members to try and keep track of when they would need to feed her. It was so different from the girl who used to always come out to bother whoever was cooking that day when she was hungry before dinnertime.
Sometimes, she would go into Gyuri’s room to sweetly coo her unnie into making a special dish for her, usually picking the worst possible times to do it when Gyuri was either working at her laptop or exhausted from a long day. Nonetheless, it almost always resulted in the older member reluctantly complying to cook for her, but only after berating the younger girl for such randomness.
The leader shivered as she remembered those moments she used to take for granted, feeling guilty at how Hara could so easily get her to do what she wanted by simply coaxing her with a sweetness only she was capable of. Gyuri stared at the bowl of rice on the tray, biting hard on the inside of her cheek.
The Hara who used to be so happy and cheerful before Minho died, the Hara who used to laugh every day and lived life to the fullest…
What were the chances that she would never recover and become that Hara again?
“Argh!”
Pain exploded in Gyuri’s hand when she accidentally touched the hot soup bowl. She quickly clasped her fingers tightly and squeezed them hard, choking on her breath as she held back from crying out again. Her eyes stung, the shock adding to the heavy weight on Gyuri’s aching shoulders, becoming almost unbearable on her exhausted body.
She was just so tired, but she couldn’t be like this. Not now, not when Hara needed her. She was the leader, she was the unnie. She had to do her best to take care of her dongsaeng. She had to be strong.
Gyuri slapped her cheeks repeatedly with both hands and took a deep breath to quickly snap herself out of it. Turning back to the food, she hastily finished preparing, keeping her mind focused on getting it done for Hara. Gyuri dusted her hands and reached into her pocket, pulling out a key and setting it down next on the bowl of soup. With another deep breath to compose herself, she carefully picked up the tray and headed to the direction of Hara’s bedroom.
These days it was quiet enough for anyone to assume they were alone in the dorm even if they weren’t, but there was music coming from the main room today. It was probably coming from a radio someone had left on and was playing softly at a low volume, but Gyuri didn’t stop at all to see if anyone was in there and just hurried past to Hara’s door on the other side of the dorm.
She bit on her bottom lip, dread suddenly rising up in her chest as she used the key to unlock the door. She turned it in the lock and there with a click, a click that was loud enough to send echoes through the room. Gyuri hadn’t realized that everything at this end of the corridor was so still and quiet, and she breathed out slowly again, ignoring the uneasy feelings brewing inside her from reaching this point. She opened the door very quietly and peered in to check first before she made her presence known.
The first thing she expected to see was Hara’s back standing at the window, having found her that way every time she had come in for the past fortnight, but today Hara was sitting on the floor next to her bed with a wooden box in front of her. She was looking for something, or perhaps she was just looking through everything in the box, digging her hands deep inside with dozens of photographs spilling out onto the ground.
That box… Gyuri knew where that box had come from. She saw it when Hara carried it into their first apartment with her other belongings, when Hara first moved in a Kara member. She had brought it all the way to Seoul from her hometown, and it was something her grandmother said would give her good luck. Something like a treasure box where she stored the things she liked so she wouldn’t forget about them in her hectic life as an idol. It was a simple box made of thin wood, light but sturdy, and it seemed to be something Hara had in her possession since she was very young, painted white and decorated with colourful beads on the lid. It was childish, but at the same time, it seemed to be a time capsule that held some of Hara’s most precious moments.
Gyuri had only seen the box once but never gave it a thought since Hara always kept it under her bed and never spoke about it. She always thought things like soft toys, fan gifts, good luck charms or simple snapshots with close friends to be among the items inside Hara’s treasure box, but Gyuri knew now that she was wrong.
Hara had filled it with photographs of Minho. All the ones they had taken together when they were together, even the ones that dated back to when they were still just acquaintances after debuting. There were the ones where they stood for group shots with other band members and idols, and then there were the private selcas of their sweet moments together, some of them taken backstage during a concert in their full stage outfits and makeup, looking so happy yet so tired and worn. Thinking about those hard times made Gyuri’s heart ache, knowing they had been through so much to hold onto their relationship and that these were souvenirs they could never share with the rest of the world.
This world that was far too cruel to them.
Gyuri stepped inside the room and pulled the door shut with a snap louder than intended. Hara glanced up at the noise, looking quizzical and disgruntled from being interrupted, but a beaming smile spread across her lips when she saw who it was.
“Gyuri unnie.”
Her face was thin and pale and her voice was soft and weak but it was filled with sincerity, her eyes shimmering with genuine happiness to see her bandmate. After all those other times coming in to find Hara so cold and distant, Gyuri let out an almost tearful laugh of relief.
“Hara yah,” she murmured. Hara’s smile widened and her eyes became crescent moons at the sound of her name; it had been a long time since Gyuri had seen her smile like that, and she struggled to smile back. She raised the tray, carefully stepping over the photographs. “I made you some food. Are you hungry?”
But Hara didn’t rely, just returning her attention to the photographs with a light-hearted dreamy smile, the abrupt change pulling Gyuri out of her temporary moment of relief.
No matter what, Hara wasn’t alright. Even if she seemed to return to her old self for just a brief moment, she was still fragile like a flower that Gyuri couldn’t afford to let her guard down.
Gyuri just bit her lip and quietly sat down next to her, watching with dismay as Hara excitedly went through the content of her treasure box, humming happily to herself. Gyuri mixed some rice into the soup bowl, the metal spoon clanking mutely against the base as she beat the clumps apart, and she listened to all the stories with each photograph Hara showed her.
She was thankful that her presence wasn’t ignored this time, but Gyuri was told not to trigger Hara’s emotions, whether positive or negative, so she couldn’t respond enthusiastically as she would have back then, just smiling and nodding when Hara laughed and leaned her head to the side that her hair lightly grazed Gyuri’ shoulder.
Gyuri wanted to just forget everything and hug her, hug her and feel in her arms that warm soul of the bandmate she loved and cherished, but that wasn’t possible right now. Not when everything that made Hara laugh so happily came from such twisted roots.
Gyuri gently blew on the spoonful of watery rice and sipped a bit of the soup, the tangy salty taste crisp on her tongue. She kept her other hand under the spoon so it wouldn’t spill and held it out to Hara.
“Hara,” she began, adjusting her smile again. Hara didn’t look at her, a giggle passing through her pale lips, and she held out a dog-eared polaroid for the older girl to see.
“Look at this one,” she said, beaming. She moved closer and their elbows bumped, the photograph held in view in front for both of them to see. “Remember this, unnie?”
It was a simple picture taken with an amateur camera that captured a place that appeared to be an amusement park of some kind, judging from the background. It seemed a completely random choice since there wasn’t anything romantic going on at all, even though Hara and Minho were in it, as well as a third person. Gyuri recognized it to be herself, causing a memory she had once disregarded for its irrelevance coming back to her as if a film was being played before her eyes.
The three of them were standing together in their winter clothes at the entrance to Lotte World, their expressions somewhat confused and showing that they hadn’t been ready when the camera snapped this moment.
“Jonghyun took this photo, right?” Hara chuckled softly, leaning her head on Gyuri’s shoulder. “He wasn’t very good.” The older girl’s smile dimmed a little, a pang of sadness in her chest as she retraced her memories, remembering the day like it was just last week.
It was one year ago, almost exactly one year ago on a clear winter’s day, one of the first dates Hara and Minho had gone on after they finally decided to date in broad daylight. Gyuri remembered they had been too overconfident in their plans and were suddenly too terrified to actually go through with when the actual day came.
Instead, they turned to Plan B; bring along a bandmate with them each to double date so they could avoid suspicion. Gyuri wasn’t exactly sure how she and an equally reluctant Jonghyun ended up being dragged along, but she knew she had protested very passionately about it beforehand.
The theme park that day was thankfully emptier than usual, perhaps because it was a school day, but the constant fear of being confronted kept them all on alert. While Jonghyun and Gyuri were preoccupied and unnerved, Hara and Minho took that precious moment to just forget everything else around them.
It was their one freedom, to be able to walk through the park like normal people without prying eyes and flashing cameras, even if it was for only a short period of time. Gyuri reminisced about even that wish alone seeming too much of a fantasy, so unrealistic in their world of perfection that Gyuri had probably agreed to go along to watch over them because she was afraid for them.
But for just those few moments that day, she saw for herself just how blissful they were being together.
Seeing Hara smiling affectionately at the photograph and get so absorbed in all the happier times in her past, Gyuri wondered if Hara had lost her mind from the grief and was living in her fantasy where Minho was still alive, or if she was just completely caught up in each memory she was rediscovering that it didn’t give her any time to stop and breathe.
Hara talked about those tiny little details she could still recall from that day, from what the weather was like to what they had for lunch that day, and Gyuri felt the guilt eating away at her heart like an acid.
Just this week, Gyuri thought to herself. It was only for one more week. She cleared her mind of the thoughts and remembered what she was supposed to be doing here in the first place.
“Hara yah, eat this,” she said softly, holding the spoon of food in front of Hara. She attempted her smile once again. “Please, you haven’t eaten all day.” But like always, Hara was too busy looking at the picture.
“It’s been a long time since we’ve gone to Lotte World,” she said thoughtfully with a hint of sadness. Gyuri took this chance and shoved the spoon into Hara’s mouth as she parted her lips to speak. Hara barely batted an eyelid and chewed the food like a distracted toddler. She tapped her finger on Minho’s figure, her dull eyes glowing with warmth and adoration. “He looked so handsome that day.” She swallowed, letting out a muffled giggle. “You know how Minho hated that scarf but wore it anyway because I nagged him?”
Gyuri shivered at the sound of Minho’s name coming from Hara’s lips. Just the way she said it, that endearing tone, something in her voice that sounded so much like happiness but wasn’t… it sounded so foreign. Gyuri couldn’t even remember the last time she heard her speak without that hollowness she had since waking up from the coma. It was like a half-remembered dream, the shadow of a person who no longer existed, and Gyuri suddenly felt so unsettled hearing it now, like this. She tried to smile again, really tried to smile, but her lips trembled.
“It’s been a long time,” Hara mused again. She turned to look at Gyuri straight in the face and grinned. “Hasn’t it, unnie?” Her words came out in a melodious laugh, and Gyuri mustered up all her strength not to cry. She forced a laugh to distract herself and blinked away the moistness in her eyes as quickly as she could.
She wanted to say so much but she couldn’t. She had to play along with Hara’s fantasy to protect her.
“We’ll… we’ll go next week, okay?” Gyuri told her enthusiastically in a chirpy voice, and of course Hara believed her, her beaming smile reaching up to her eyes at the response. Gyuri hated lying, and she hated even more that lying was the only thing keeping Hara safe for the moment.
Safe from herself.
There was no more talking after that, Hara sinking back into her quiet world and Gyuri not forcing her out of it. She tried to get her to eat some more but Hara was too distracted, succeeding with only two more spoons of rice and a piece of meat. Almost half an hour passed before Gyuri had no choice but to give up, allowed to simply leave with the relief that Hara had at least eaten something, no matter how little it was. Gyuri kissed Hara tenderly on the head but said nothing more, just getting up wordlessly and taking the tray of cold untouched food with her.
She closed the door and locked it again with the key, returning to the beginning of the cycle like they did every day. Gyuri stared dully at the doorknob as she slowly released it, a part still stinging with the guilt of not being able to do anything.
But she should be grateful, really grateful today. These rare times when she was normal, looking up from what she was doing when she heard them come in, giving them a soft, tired smile, and talking just a little bit to assure them she was alright… those were the times when they still had hope that the old Hara would come back.
~I’m getting mad, it’s really difficult for me~
The sound of Rain’s song brought Gyuri out of her thoughts, and she shot a glance at the main room where it was coming from. She went to the kitchen again, nonchalantly scraping the leftovers into the garbage and quickly washing up, the warm hot and gushing down so hard that it almost drowned out the music. Gyuri dried her hands just as thoroughly on the tea towel, heaving a sigh.
~But I can’t do anything about it, it’s too late to change your heart~
She peered into the main room, spotting Jiyoung sitting by herself cross-legged on the sofa writing on a notebook. Paper was scattered all around her and Gyuri caught sight of a small bright yellow portable radio next to her, the one Jiyoung’s dad had given her for her birthday.
Jiyoung had been taking refuge in the main room for almost two weeks now, doing her homework there instead of in her bedroom. It wasn’t so unusual, but Gyuri guessed she felt lonely by herself with everything kept so quiet for Hara’s sake.
With the situation, Gyuri had been worried it would make all the Kara members detached and drift away from each other, but seeing Jiyoung like this made her smile a little.
“Jiyoung ah,” she called out, stepping out from the kitchen. The sudden appearance of Gyuri’s voice almost made Jiyoung jump out of her skin, jolting in surprise and her hand flying to her chest.
“Omo, you startled me, unnie!” she exclaimed, chuckling breathily. Gyuri gave a tired smile.
“Sorry,” she muttered. She rubbed her arm and slowly walked over to the younger girl, glancing at the radio. “You’re using the radio?” Jiyoung smiled sheepishly and placed a hand on top of the small device.
“My headphones broke,” she explained, afraid that Gyuri might have been disturbed. “Is it too loud?” She made a move to turn the volume down, but Gyuri shook her head.
“No, it’s fine,” she said softly. Another faint smile. “It’s actually nice.”
~What should I do? What should I do?~
Gyuri stared up at the ceiling and just stood there for a few seconds, listening to the song and taking in the tranquil effects of the ballad. Jiyoung could tell that Gyuri was exhausted, there was always a distance between members whenever they weren’t feeling well, and they allowed each other space to heal and recover. It was harder these days though, so cold in the dorm because no one wanted to speak in case it triggered something. Everyone drifted past each other like strangers in the streets, all of them longing for that warmth to return but enduring it all for Hara.
“Hara ate a little today,” Gyuri murmured after a while.
She smiled meekly, having said it as if it was self-reassurance than a statement, but nonetheless Jiyoung heard it too. The younger girl kept her gaze firmly on her notebook, not wanting to see the look on Gyuri’s face that might or might not match the sadness of her voice. Jiyoung felt a lump form in her throat.
“It’s better than yesterday, right?” she croaked, hoping to make herself sound cheerful and failing miserably. “W-when Hara unnie wouldn’t eat anything at all.” Gyuri said nothing, just nodding her head.
Jiyoung realized Gyuri had sounded tired, no doubt even more tired than she should’ve been on a day-off like this. No one had the stamina these days to talk to each other, not that there was anyone to blame for that, but it still felt strange since everyone in the household was so lively once upon a time.
Jiyoung bit her lip and resisted the urge to ask Gyuri to stay back a little with her, just maybe sit with her, they didn’t have to talk, but she looked so worn out that Jiyoung knew the best thing to do was to let her go her way and rest as much as she good before the next confronting day would arrive. So she just kept quiet and looked away, back to her books and paper, pretending to be busy. She heard Gyuri utter a deep sigh, both of regret and relief, and a small pause in between where she felt her motherly smile on her, but she still didn’t look up. She busying herself with her homework so Gyuri wouldn’t have to feel the need to take care of her too, so she could go rest without feeling burdened. All the leader could do was acknowledge this.
They had to keep it like this for just one more week.
Gyuri turned to leave, to go back to her separate room like everyone else in the dorm, when suddenly a new song played on the radio.
A song last heard too long ago, almost forgotten, viciously ripped its existence back into their consciousness, the familiar tempo of Shinee’s Hello pounding like an erratic heartbeat.
~When I act like this I realize I’m actually young~
Jonghyun’s voice sang the first line of the song, a song all of them had tried so long to avoid, having blocked out the whole world from entering into their lives because everything, absolutely everything reminded them of Minho. The two girls were powerless to even move. It had been so long that they barely remembered what it sounded like, hoping that forgetting would numb the pain, but hearing it again seared red-hot wounds back into their bodies and souls. Hearing those voices again when they were still so blissful and young, singing from their hearts at such a carefree time in their lives…
God, how had they all come to this point?
Gyuri blinked twice and forced herself to focus back on to real life while Jiyoung, having a weaker heart, lingered for longer, her pulse matching the beat of the song as the memories flooded back in, overwhelming her. Gyuri glanced over to see this and she sighed sadly. She took the initiative to speak first, ignoring the burning sensation in her chest.
“Jiyoung ah, are you hungry?” she said softly. She preened her long hair into a ponytail and tied it up with an elastic band. “I’ll make you something to eat.”
But Jiyoung just shook her head absentmindedly. She just sat there and listened, her eyes lowering sadly when it entered the first chorus, Shinee’s voices harmonizing together perfectly with the light melody and dragging up once-buried emotions and memories.
~Who knows we might actually be together~
“I miss Minho oppa,” Jiyoung muttered. She blinked and lifted up her head to Gyuri. “He used to come over all the time… remember, unnie?”
The older girl smiled poignantly, a smile Jiyoung had always relied on to tell her it was all going to be okay, even if it wasn’t. Jiyoung bravely returned it, blinking her eyes again when they started to become itchy.
“Now... now I think I’ve forgotten what his voice sounds like.”
She paused to listen a bit more of the song, each second passing by etching the regret through the thick atmosphere that Jiyoung could almost taste it. She laughed ruefully, at herself, at the situation, at the cruelty of it all.
~Should I approach you or wait a little longer?
It’s harder when everyone else says something different~
“Unnie,” Jiyoung said. “Do you think…” She looked at Gyuri, her eyes that used to be so pure and innocent, now tainted with grief. “Do you think Shinee oppas still blame Hara unnie for what happened?” Her voice cracked and she stopped again, blinking rapidly. “Do you think they hate her?”
A bitter taste filled Gyuri’s mouth but she said nothing, just staring wordlessly at the young girl who had just asked a question that no one had dared ask, a question Gyuri couldn’t bring herself to answer. She reached out her hand and stroked Jiyoung’s hair, just smiling but not answering.
The Shinee members were the good people and they all cared for Hara, she couldn’t bear to think if they hated Hara… because if they did, she knew she couldn’t blame them. It was selfish and horrible, but that was the truth. The accident was so devastating and traumatic that even when they’ve moved on with their lives and their anger and sorrow subsided, the memories would still resurface on sleepless nights to remind them each and every day.
Gyuri remembered herself feeling hate towards both them in her grief, simply because she needed someone to blame. She hated Minho for dying and she hated Hara for loving him so much that she lost her mind, and she hated both of them for driving that night when they knew how dangerous it was with the rain, when she had told them to be careful for the millionth time…
She had hated them for so many reasons, so many selfish reasons.
“Let me out!! Someone please let me out!!”
Gyuri was ripped out of her thoughts again when the sound of Hara’s voice and frantic knocking boomed through the dorm.
“Someone let me out!” Hara cried again, still banging on the door. “Please!”
Gyuri felt her heart race a thousand miles an hour and she frantically looked over at Jiyoung, who looked just as shocked, both of them rooted to the ground and not knowing what to do. This had never happened before, Hara had always been quiet inside her room, she barely ate and she barely slept so they weren’t even sure how it was possible she could still have the strength to knock so loudly and shout. But it got louder and more desperate, and Gyuri had no choice. She exchanged a worried glance with Jiyoung and hurried back to Hara’s room. She quickly filled her mind with every other logical reason for Hara being like this, trying hard not to think about the worst case scenario. Maybe she was just thirsty or hungry or needed to go to the bathroom, there was no need to panic.
“Let me out! Please let me out!”
“Hara,” Gyuri called out breathlessly as she reached the door. She placed her hands on the wooden surface. “Hara, what’s wrong?! Are you alright?!”
“Unnie!” Hara’s voice responded immediately, high-pitched and excited in a way that it made Gyuri shudder. Something wasn’t right, but the knocking became more urgent and Gyuri could feel Hara pressed up against the door on the other side. “My phone!! I left my phone outside!! Please let me out!!”
“P-phone?” Gyuri stuttered. She looked around. “Uh… o-okay, I’ll unlock the door!” Not knowing what else to do, she fumbled through her pocket for the key, at the same time shooting a glance over her shoulder at Jiyoung who was still in the main room, looking scared to death. Gyuri finally found the key and quickly unlocked the door.
Unexpectedly, it sprung open from Hara’s grip pulling the handle inside, the force almost knocking Gyuri off her feet. Hara staggered out and didn’t even spare a glance, immediately scurrying into the corridor and looking around wildly in search for something. She wandered into the main room to where Jiyoung was, and the youngest shot to her feet.
“Hara unnie,” she began. She tried to approach her but Hara quickly scooped down and shuffled her hands through the drawers and bookshelves.
“It’s ringing,” Hara breathed. “He’s calling me. I have to answer it.”
“What’s ringing?” Jiyoung said incredulously. She strained her ears, but the only thing she could hear was the radio that was still playing music. She glanced over at Gyuri by Hara’s room for help.
“My phone,” Hara murmured, getting up again and whipped around, trying to figure out the direction of this non-existing ringing. “My phone…” Jiyoung remained still and watched as Hara stepped back and forth unsteadily, muttering under her breath and becoming more agitated by the second.
“Hara, your phone isn’t here,” Gyuri exclaimed. She had enough of watching and marched over, grabbing Hara’s wrist so she would stop turning. Hara resisted, refusing to look at her. “It’s in your room. No one took it.”
Hara shook her head hard.
“It’s not,” she muttered restlessly. “It’s not my phone, my phone is out here somewhere. I have to find it.”
She gave Gyuri a powerful shove that sent the other reeling and pushed past a stunned Jiyoung to the drawer cupboard beside the sofa. She got down on her knees and promptly emptied out all the content onto the floor, spreading it all out with her hands so that everything could be seen. The maknae stood speechless at having witnessed this action, while Gyuri stared wide-eyed, her mind racing.
No, she knew for a fact that Hara’s phone could not be anywhere out here. Something must have triggered her to react like this, something abnormal. There was no way her phone could be outside, Gyuri saw the manager taking out the batteries and putting it away in the drawer in Hara’s room. No one had touched it since, so it had to still be there. Gyuri’s heart pounded at her throat, and she rushed back to Hara’s room.
She threw the door open and took a quick glance around, seeing the photographs still all over the floor and the treasure box tipped over so it was all emptied out. A thousand thoughts were flying in different directions through her head that it made her dizzy, having to hold onto the door handle to keep herself steady. Her eyes darted to the drawer at Hara’s desk, having a mind to immediately go through it, but her blood then ran cold when she spotted something near the foot of the bed. Unsure but unsettled at the same time, Gyuri carefully approached it, each step making the sense of horror in her chest expand, until the full outline of what she was looking at came into view.
It was Hara’s phone, completely dispatched and reduced to a pile of broken plastic and glass.
Gyuri’s mind went blank and her breathing ceased. The whole thing broken was to the point that it seemed impossible by Hara’s soft delicate hands. Gyuri sank to her knees and trembled as her hand pushed aside the pieces to reveal the keychain of a small Hello Kitty figurine, something Minho had given Hara as a gift a long time ago. The room silenced eerily and the music from the radio still playing in the background, forgotten completely up until now, suddenly became crystal clear. It was like a switch had clicked in the back of Gyuri’s mind, a twisted realization dawning on her far too late.
~Hello hello, I acted confidently~
Minho’s ringtone. Minho’s ringtone was Hello.
Gyuri leapt to her feet and ran as fast as she could back out into the main room.
Jiyoung had joined Hara on the floor, tentatively trying to help her on her knees to go through anything within tangible reach. But Hara didn’t even seem to notice her there at all, becoming more anxious and carelessly throwing everything she could put her hands on out of the way, some items even hitting Jiyoung beside her.
“TURN OFF THE RADIO!”
Jiyoung jumped at the sound of the leader’s distressed voice, her head snapping up in alarm.
“Unnie, what-“
“TURN IT OFF!!” Gyuri screamed. “IT’S THE SONG!!! THE SONG IS MINHO’S RINGTONE!!”
Frightened, Jiyoung backed away when Gyuri rushed over and grabbed Hara’s arm, pulling her forcefully up from her knees. She held Hara firmly by the shoulders so she was looking at her, the younger girl reacting with shock and bewilderment. She squirmed in Gyuri’s grip, her breathing becoming more and more laboured as she struggled feverishly to get free.
~Hello hello, I might stutter a little, though~
“HARA!” Gyuri said, trying to shake her out of it. “HARA!!”
“My phone,” Hara muttered feebly, tossing her head back and forth, pushing and pulling. “He’s calling me, let me answer it.”
“Listen to me!” Gyuri roughly gripped Hara’s jaw and forced her to look into her face, but Hara thrashed, refusing eye contact. “Listen to me! Minho isn’t calling you, it isn’t your phone!”
Something was wrong; Jiyoung couldn’t get the radio to turn off. The knobs and buttons stopped working, she couldn’t turn the volume down or off, and she realized unplugging it was useless as well because it was running on batteries all this time. A panic-stricken Jiyoung tried to keep her mind clear and turned the radio to its back, only to find that the batteries couldn’t be removed without the screws being taken out, hence giving her no way of turning the thing off.
“Let go!!” Hara gasped hysterically. Her eyes were blank and unblinking, but she fought with every fiber of her strength as Gyuri used her whole body to try and hold her still. “Please let go, unnie! Minho always calls me at this time! He’s waiting for me! Oh God, let me go!! Please!!” The anguish in her voice cut into Gyuri’s soul like a knife, but she held firm. “Please!! Please let me go!”
Minho did used to always call at this time, at this very time every day, and the song Hara chose for his ringtone would always bring her delight and excitement whenever she heard it. He would sometimes call her out to have lunch, or if he was in the middle of a schedule or overseas promoting, he would just call to hear her voice. They would talk for hours about nothing, earning eye rolls and chuckles of amusement from their bandmates, but it was something that became a part of their day, a part of their lives.
It was a routine Hara had been conditioned to, always waiting for his call, and he would call every day until that last day when it all stopped forever.
Gyuri cried out in pain when Hara landed hard blows on her chest and jaw with her elbows in her frenzied struggle, hurting the older girl and making her buck forward, but still Gyuri refused to let go. Hara squeezed shut her eyes and shook her head, her long hair whipping across her own face.
~This is not the first time
Truthfully I’ve loved and parted~
Seungyeon and Nicole were alerted by the noise and had rushed out of their rooms, shocked at the sight of Gyuri and Hara fighting for control. Gyuri shot a distraught glance at them from over Hara’s shoulder, barely able to hold on as her strength started to deteriorate. The younger girl was thrashing violently, breaking apart Gyuri’s ponytail.
“C-call an ambulance!” she choked, but then Hara’s powerful arms shoved her again, this time sending her crashing onto the floor so hard that she couldn’t get up straight away. “Stop her!!” Nicole saw Hara make a move towards the front door and charged at her, seizing her by the wrists and doing whatever she could to restrain her.
~But it’s hard, please believe in me~
All this time, the music hadn’t stopped, and Jiyoung was now using her fingernails to desperately pry off the plastic covering over the battery holder, gritting her teeth as it cut into her skin. Her breath came out in short puffs, blinded by panic and tears streaming down her face.
~You are different~
“It won’t turn off!” Jiyoung sobbed. “Unnie, it won’t turn off!”
Hearing her dongsaeng’s distress, all thought disappeared from Seungyeon’s mind and she ran straight to her, taking the radio from her as the younger girl collapsed on the sofa, disorientated and crying. They heard Gyuri yelling and Nicole letting out a scream of pain.
~Hello hello, this time I’ll put myself out there~
Seungyeon hurled the radio to the ground with both hands and smashed it, the music coming to an abrupt halt. Hara’s cries of protest became audible again, ringing through the whole apartment as Gyuri clapped a blanket over her from behind, holding her arms down at her side. Hara tried to thrash again but the thickness of the blanket was wrapped so tightly that she couldn’t move. Gyuri took no chances and pressed Hara down chest-first onto the hard wooden floor with Jiyoung and Nicole’s help, the youngest crawling on top of Hara and using her whole body to pin her down.
“Call an ambulance!!” Gyuri shouted urgently at Seungyeon, her eyes flashing. “DO IT NOW!!” The second eldest looked at her in shock.
“But Gyuri, the reporters…”
“I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE REPORTERS!! CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!”
Seungyeon was too stunned to reply and bolted to the kitchen for the phone.
Nicole ignored the aches in her body and the blood trickling down her left cheek from where Hara had clawed at her face, keeping her arms firmly in position while Gyuri secured the blanket around Hara, trapping her. Hara squirmed and twisted like a fish caught in a net but couldn’t move under Jiyoung’s weight, hyperventilating and whimpering. Jiyoung dissolved into tears.
“Unnie, stop…” she pleaded. She wrapped her arms around Hara and enveloped her in a hug that was supposed to protect her, but she knew it couldn’t. “Please stop...”
“Hara yah…” Nicole began to cry too, begging Hara to wake up and telling her over and over again that it wasn’t Minho, but it was to no valid. Gyuri shakily pushed herself up onto her knees, clutching her bruised hip as she stared gravely at her fallen member.
~Hello hello~
3 minutes was all it took for Kara’s world to come crashing down.
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