(no subject)
this is completely amazing to me. not in a good way either. now i've managed to go from bad to way worse. my relationship with jenna wasn't bad enough before i guess. in one day i went from not being able to be with the one person i'd most like to be (but still got to be around her at least) to her probably hating me by now and most likely not speaking to me again unless she has to. and why? because of my excessive and unrelenting paranoia. i always get these ideas into my head that people do things for reasons that are really rediculous. even i have to step back now and take that in. i have no idea why my mind works that way, but it does and i can't seem to stop it. all i know is that i'm in a worse position now than i have been in quite a while. i'm not sue if she even considers me a friend anymore. however, maybe it's best that way. now she doesn't have to worry about what i'm worrying about and she can just focus on her own happiness. as for me, i think this is just the push i needed (but didn't want) to just move the fuck on. it wouldn't do me any good to keep dwelling on this, and at the rate i was going i think i would have for a long time. all in one day i did that and pretty much ruined halloween for myself this year. i can't say whether or not i did that for anyone else. i sincerely hope not. this has just been a rotten and cursed week for me i guess. i even tried to make a nice positive conversation with her mother the other night, and i was met with a brush off. now i know that nothing i do will change anything. fuck it, i give up.