(no subject)

[loveforluck]

today is my day off. i have nothing to do, and yet i feel strangely fulfilled. i still have a certain loneliness that will only change when something specific happens, but i've grown to live with that. now its just a steady longing i feel, and its there all the time, a little discouraging, but at the same time, a little exhilarating. discouraging because i will never come to the end that i see best fits me, but exhilarating because no one has ever bothered me like this before. on one hand i want to go out and try my hardest, and fail to get it over with, but on the other hand, i still have this romantic idea of what my life is going to be like. it's weird cuz i can go back and forth between these two ideas within a matter of minutes. a bit ironic i might say, that the only way to fail is to try, the only way to somewhat win is to sit back and wonder. i guess you could say that i'm winning in that respect. but ultimately she will win the war, i'm sure of that much. its really a big game. we both know what's going on, but its like nothing really happens, and yet so much happens. she leads me on, i go for it, she leaves. i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do. but its not as easy as most would say. "just don't like her." or "you're too good for her." or some crap like "she's a mess. she'll screw you up, you're better off." God only knows whos too good for who, cuz God knows i'm no prize

i have this notebook full of songs i've written. i don't know why i write them down, or why i write them at all. i guess my romantic self thinks my logical self will die, and i'll live happily ever after. those songs will never see the light of day or the moon in her eyes... again.

i haven't a thing to do this weekend. appppparently i'm staying at someone's house and doin junk like that, so i've got a house to kick it at and all. so call me up, we have stuff to do.