untitled (chapter 12)
Chapter 12
It was the day IF was released. The five of us were, for some weird reason, in Korea, not Japan.
We had an early morning flight to Japan the next day so we were sent back early by the company to get some rest. For once. When we got back home, Jaejoong’s girlfriend was there with drinks and food to celebrate both Changmin and Yunho’s birthday. Since it was still early, Yunho allowed for a mini celebration.
I don’t drink. I do, in social situations, but I try to avoid it at any cost. But that night Jaejoong seemed intent on getting everyone drunk. He started with Yoochun - always the easiest target and then he went after Yunho. Even Changmin drank. So I couldn’t not drink, it would seem odd. I accepted Jaejoong’s shot and thought this is the first and last one; I need to wake up early.
I was so wrong.
I forgot how many shots I had or how much beer we had but we must all have been pretty intoxicated by the time someone suggested we played ‘I Never.’ What I do remember was that the six of us sat in a circle, each with a shot glass and a newly opened bottle of Smirnoff in the centre.
It started out pretty tame. Stupid questions like have you peed in public places before, have you ever stolen from your parents- all the questions asked by high school kids.
And then Yoochun started it. It was his turn. He pursed his lips and looked at all of us before saying, “I have never kissed anyone before.”
All of us lifted our glasses - by that time everyone was borderline tipsy - and downed the shot. Yunho and Jaejoong started laughing. “You’ve kissed a girl before, Min?”
“Shouldn’t you be asking Junsu that?” Changmin said, giving me an evil look. The three of them laughed some more and after a second, both Chun and I joined in. Yunho poured everyone a shot and then said, “I have never slept with someone before.”
To my surprise, only Chun drank. Both Jaejoong and his girlfriend looked disturbed and I saw Yunho and Chun exchange glances. They had been curious.
Changmin. “I have never gotten to third base.”
Everyone, save me and him drank. I saw Yoochun raise an eyebrow at me before he downed his glass and I pretended not to have seen it. I mean it IS true. I have never gotten to third base. The thought of it amused me. How would I ever get to third base when I can’t even date who I want to?
I laughed aloud. Changmin nudged me. “What’s so funny, you’ve never gotten to third base either.”
“Because it’ll be hard for me to ever go there.” The words slipped out before I could even stop myself. The alcohol was slowly taking its toll on me.
“That’s just sad, not funny.” Changmin said as Jaejoong burst out laughing. “You’re not that ugly.”
“Thank you.” I said, smiling stupidly. I beamed around at everyone, suddenly feeling light headed. My head was oh so light, I felt nothing, nothing at all. And I was curious, so very curious about something.
I poured out a shot for everyone. And then I cleared my throat. “I have never had a sexual dream about any of the members.”
Changmin burst out laughing - thankfully he didn’t freeze - and Yunho just rubbed his nose. Myself, Chun and Bomi all took a shot. Jaejoong whistled through his teeth and immediately began making out with his girlfriend. I felt like an idiot, especially when I realized Yunho didn’t drink his shot.
Which means. He doesn’t bend my way.
Eternal damnation.
I suddenly felt tired and sober. My shoulders felt heavy. I turned to the clock and realized it was past midnight. Without thinking too much, I got to my feet and headed towards my room. I just needed a place to cry and maybe get some sleep.
Changmin and Jaejoong were too far gone to notice and Chun had curled up on the floor. Only Yunho rose unsteadily to his feet and caught up with me.
“Hey, Su, you okay?” He asked, placing a warm arm on my shoulder. “Sorry the game got out of hand. But you know they’re all stoned, they probably won’t remember a thing tomorrow.”
“No I’m fine.” I held up a hand feeling stupid. “It was just a game. I’m just tired.”
He smiled at me and then enveloped me in a bear hug. His scent filled my nose and it was all I could do to not melt at that moment. It felt so good. So damn good. I wanted time to stop right then. I threw my arms around him and pressed closer. It wasn’t enough - I doubt I would ever be satisfied unless I could call him mine, but it would have to do.
“I’m so glad Su. So glad everything we’ve done has paid off. And it was thanks to you.” He pulled away and jabbed a finger in my chest. I swallowed. “If you didn’t push us all, if you didn’t take us all in we wouldn’t be here now.”
“It was everyone else as well.” I said, feeling embarrassed. “Everyone worked just as hard if not harder to get here.”
Yunho shook his head and pulled me back into his arms. “Not as hard as you.” He pulled away and met my eye. “I love you, Su.”
My heart almost leapt out of my chest. I stared at him, unmoving. Could it be? He was just waiting for the correct time to tell me and now is perfect. At the peak of our success. He feels the same way too. It’s not just me, it’s-
“You’ve been such a good friend, so much like the brother I never had.” Another hug, but I barely felt it. My head was still trying to wrap itself around the fact that he had called me a good friend and then a brother. Did Yunho just friendzone me?
I pull away and meet his eyes. For a while I try to pretend I can see desire and love burning in them for me. But I see nothing but emptiness staring back at me. He, too, was gone. But he meant the things he said to me. I’m nothing more than a brother to him.
I tried not to cry as I wrap my arms around him again and I whisper, “I love you too, Yunho.”
That was not the important part. The important part did not occur until almost three weeks later. No one was at home except Jaejoong and myself. I had come down with flu and Jaejoong was under house arrest for almost being seen out with Bomi. Everyone else was working.
I woke up and crawled out of bed, feeling less like a dead person than I did the day before. Just then Jaejoong came in, a bowl of porridge and a glass of warm water on a tray.
“For the invalid.” He said, steering me back to bed.
“Thanks, hyung.” I got into bed and snuggled underneath the covers. “How much longer till the house arrest is over?”
“Few more days. I’m so restless, nothing I’m writing is coming out good. I always thought I wouldn’t mind going under house arrest but two weeks?” He pressed a cool hand against my forehead, making clucking sounds. “Looks like you’ll be fine by tomorrow.”
“I hope so, I’m sick of staying in bed.” I began attacking the porridge, feeling hungry. “I really feel as though I haven’t eaten in days.”
Nothing from Jaejoong. That was odd. I turned to find him staring at me intently. I tried to make a face but it hurt too much. I settled for a, “What?”
He said nothing again, instead he pursed his lips, the way he always did before he started telling one of us off. I wondered briefly what I could have done to piss him off, seeing as I have been bedridden for two days now. I shook my head. If he wasn’t going to talk I wasn’t going to provoke him.
“Junsu-ah.” He cleared his throat after what seemed like hours.
“Yes, Jaejoong-hyung?” I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.
“You must promise me you will tell me the truth.” His tone was suddenly serious. It freaked me out a bit, partly because I didn’t know what to expect. Jaejoong was nothing if not unpredictable.
“Okay?” I offered at last, to dispel the tension that was already building up. “What’s up?”
He took a long time to vocalize his thoughts. He cleared his throat several times and looked as though he was on the verge of saying something but then he would bite his tongue and turn away.
It was then that I began to feel nervous. It can’t be I thought, my heart in my throat. It wouldn’t be that. “Jaejoong, what’s bothering you?”
“Are you gay?” He asked, his face colouring slightly. My mouth dropped open. “Actually I’m pretty sure you’re gay so please don’t deny it. You are, aren’t you?”
I always thought then when that day comes I would be able to talk easily, without stuttering. Yes, I’m proud to be gay. But I also never expected that day to come so soon. Which probably means that I’m not really proud to be gay? I mean, I don’t think I’ve actually fully accepted it. I mean, I have! Just that I’m not about to say it out loud to the whole wide world.
With that question, although I kind of expected it, kind of saw it coming, I was still thrown. My mind went completely blank.
“Junsu, there is no one at home now but you and I. And I can assure you, no one else will know about this.” Jaejoong bit his lip. “This has been bothering you for a while now, no?”
“Don’t just assume.” I said, but my voice was soft. “You know-“
“I know you’re in love with Yunho.” He met my eyes. I couldn’t read them. Was he disgusted? Did he find it weird? How does he even know? Did Chun-
“Who told you that? Was it Chun?” I demanded weakly. I suddenly felt as though the flu was back, full force. I was tired and exhausted again. “I will kill him.”
And really, I felt that way. I wouldn’t put it past Yoochun to tell Jae stuff when he drinks too much. And they do have that whole soul mate thing going on - however much I try to dispel it. How else would Jae know all of this?
“No, I told you, no else knows except me. Unless,” He looked surprised. “Oh, you must have told Yoochun! That makes so much sense now, the two of you-“
“Stop it, please.” I held out a hand. My head was throbbing.
“Junsu, just bloody say it, I’m not going to judge you.” He reached over and squeezed my hand. “I’m here for you. Love knows no boundaries.”
“Shut up.” I wasn’t crying, but my voice was cracking with the relief of telling someone else, finally. One less person to keep a facade up in front of. “Yes I’m gay and I am fucking proud of it.”
I’m not too sure about that last part but whatever. I don’t want to sound as though I’m ashamed of myself or something. Even if I was, initially. At least it’s less hazy now, I’m okay with being who I am.
Jaejoong said nothing, instead he gave my hand another squeeze. I sighed. “Was I that obvious?”
“Not till recently. Like after the holiday, I noticed you weren’t as close to Yoochun.” Not that again! “And I wasn’t really asleep that one time you and Yoochun were going all deep and stuff at the back of the van. I didn’t hear anything but I knew you guys were discussing his sexuality. What really clenched it was that night we all got stoned when Bomi was over. When you were hugging Yunho.”
I think my mouth dropped open. As meticulous as ever, Jae had managed to get everything time-lined and had drawn his own conclusions. “I didn’t do anything-“
“It was the way you said you loved him.” His eyes glazed over. “It was the same way Bomi said it to me way before we got together. When I was still with Boa. I knew then that you were just as into Yunho as I am into Bomi.”
How did he even hear that? We were so far away from everyone else. But trust Jaejoong. Nothing ever slips past him when it concerns any of us. Some people might say he’s a little obsessed with the people he loves. I think he just cares a little too much about the people in his life.
That is not necessarily a bad thing but I can see how it might be a weakness in the future.
“I’m sorry.” He looked apologetic. “This must be really hard on you.”
“Jae be honest.” I looked straight into his eyes. “Do I have a chance? Is there any hope that Yunho is, well, gay? Or that he might be persuaded to sway that way.”
The moment he looked away I knew he knew something else. My heart dropped to my feet. So what I thought was true. He just gripped my hand harder and shook his head. “He’s straight, Su. He’s so straight, there is no way you will be able to get your way with him.”
“Oh.” I had no idea what to say or to feel. “Swell.”
“I’m really sorry, Su.” He made to hug me but I snatched my hand away and rolled under my covers. “If I could make the two of you happy, I would make him want you too but he will never roll that way. You know how much of a good boy he is. And he’s such a strong Christian, I just-“
“Please don’t talk religion with me.” I said through my blanket. “Do you know what hell I’ve gone through? I’m not blaming anyone, I mean being this way is largely my own thing. It’s just so hard.” My voice cracked on that last bit. “And you’re telling me I have no hope of getting it on with Yunho.”
I expected it all along but I couldn’t believe it. He can always turn gay right? I mean, he hasn’t even sampled it yet!
“You’re not thinking of telling him are you? About your massive crush on him.” Jaejoong shook my slightly. “Hey, get out of the blanket. Don’t do this man, I wanted to make you feel better.”
“Oh really? Telling me I have better chances of getting it on with a dog than with the guy I’m in love with. That really cheers me up. Oh boy.” I was being a selfish brat and I hated myself but I couldn’t take it. Like all I ever wanted was to ignore the whole thing and give myself hope quietly that it would happen some day. But no, my hormones had to get in the way and Yunho’s self-righteousness was there as well. I am living life.
“I thought that you’d be more relieved because you don’t have to keep hiding it from at least one more member of this house.” Now he sounded regretful. “I’m really sorry, Su. Like I said-“
“I wish you would leave me alone.” I said as loud as I could, given the sore throat. “Please go.”
I actually managed to shut Jaejoong up. But only for a second. He poked me. “Su, come on, you have to admit, you feel better now that I know. At least you have someone else to talk to-“
“Jae, just get the fuck out of my room.” I’ve never been this rude before to him. “Fuck off.”
I knew this time I really did go over the line. Jae was hurt. He got up wordlessly and shuffled to the door. I began panicking just a bit because I know he meant well. But I couldn’t deal with it. Like with everything. Him knowing came as a shock. And Yunho rejecting me - sort of, anyway - was like the final blow. I swallowed the apology that had come to me and held my breath until Jaejoong closed the door softly behind him.
I’m sorry, Jae-hyung.
My phone was beside my water bottle and I reached for it and typed a text to Junho.
Jaejoong knows.
A reply came twenty minutes later, just when I was about to doze off.
About what? You being gay? Yunho?
Everything. He found out himself.
You sure it wasn’t because you were being obvious? =.=
No. He’s just a little more perceptive than normal people.
You don’t seem happy. Shouldn’t you be relieved? Oh wait, did he piss off at you?
No. But he did tell me that Yunho’s straight and won’t ever swing my way. Like. Ever.
Is that why you’re PMS-ing?
I roll over on my back and stare at the ceiling until I hear the other’s voices. I then shut my eyes and pretend sleep. Someone came into the room and pressed a hand against my forehead. Still I pretend to sleep. A sigh and then the person shuffles out of the room.
It was Yunho.
I eventually fall asleep and I recover from that horrible bout of flu. And we would go on promoting the TRICK series which acted as everyone’s base for solo performances. Later on we would record Beautiful You which would be the second time we ever reached number one on the Oricon charts.
Everything was taking a steep projection upwards and we were on our way to making our dreams a reality. Everything was going so fast, so very fast and all our hard work seemed to be paying off.
But after that day, I never spoke to Jaejoong again.
A/N: Yep, Jaejoong already knew, long before Yoochun knew actually. I hope this satisfies most of you, I'm so glad at the response in the last chapter. You silent readers didn't have to ^^ BUT YOU ALL SO TOTALLY MADE MY DAY
Lots of love! And everyone if it's not too much, I'd like to know everyone's names =D I'm Tina btw, everyone call me Tia!