untitled (chapter 11)
Chapter 11
It was probably for the best that the next few months were so hectic. Gave me no opportunity to think too much about things. Oh okay, I am gay and yes I do have a massive thing for Yunho but I have more important things to think of. Thanks to the overwhelming success of ‘Purple Line’, we were the busiest that we’d ever been since our debut days.
Yoochun started smoking again, which annoyed everyone but no one said a thing. I don’t know when but we started this thing where none of us spoke about certain sticky topics. We all sighed and moaned about it to ourselves but no one grabbed the bull by the horns and said anything. The atmosphere at home was really bad, even though everyone came back in high spirits after the break.
It was as though an invisible wall had sprung up in between all of us.
“Junsu-hyung,” Changmin’s voice cut cleanly through the darkness. “Oi, fatty. I know you’re up.”
That boy is becoming more unbearable these days. And rude. “I’m trying to sleep.”
I could see him waving his hand back and forth dismissively. “This is important.”
“I can’t imagine what would be more important than sleep. We have to be up in four hours.” I grumbled, nevertheless sitting up. “What is it?”
“What’s up with Chun-hyung? He’s really annoying the crap out of Yunho-hyung.” Now he sat up as well. “He’s so. It’s just weird.”
I don’t get Changmin. He doesn’t ever give a shit about what happens. “It’s stress.”
I wondered when he would start lobbing soft toys at me. Not yet, by the looks of it since he remained frozen. “You make it seem as though none of us are going through the same thing. I know it’s either something to do with you or you know more than you’re letting on!”
I fight the urge to sigh and I roll onto my front. “I know nothing. Why are you being ridiculous?”
Something soft hits my back and I groan. The soft toy canons are revving up. “I don’t buy that. You guys were so close back in December that it was creepy and since the holiday you two have not been as pally as you were back then.”
“There you go again over analyzing the situation.” Were we really being distant? But what with the schedules and stuff, I haven’t really noticed anything. Or were you busying yourself on purpose because you didn’t want things to get awkward after what happened? A little voice said.
I frowned in the dark. The heck is going on with my brain.
“I’m not even joking. I even thought you two were in some kind of a relationship.” More toys rained on me, even as I sat up, shocked. “It was that creepy.”
But were we really? I try to recall what we were like all the way back in December. I was telling him then about my thing but it wasn’t like we went every where together. And in the first place, I can’t talk about my private stuff when someone else is in the room. It wouldn’t be called private then, right? So maybe, yeah, we did go off alone but not all that often.
Certainly not enough to assume we were dating.
“I’m honestly really disturbed right now.” I said, trying to sound calm. “How could you even come up with something as sick as that? You’ve really outdone yourself, Changminnie.”
“Outdo myself? That is a constant. And really?” He scoffed, sending over more soft toys. I wished the fans would stop sending us soft toys. “Dude, Chun-hyung is bisexual, what’s so hard about putting two and two together?”
I almost fall out of my bed. “What?!”
“You’re joking, it’s so obvious!” I could hear him clucking, but I couldn’t give a damn. “And he said so once, when we were watching a show together. That time we had a tiff about sexuality, do you remember?”
I can’t actually. And I’m in a daze. Yoochun is bi? How come I didn’t pick up on this? Have I been so self-absorbed that I have failed to notice anything but myself?
“Oi.” Changmin threw more toys at me to get my attention. “Junsu-hyung!”
“I suddenly feel as though I don’t know any of you at all.” I wailed into my pillow. “Next you’ll tell me Yunho’s gay or something odd like that.”
The moment the words escaped my lips I realized I sounded slightly hopeful. And I was. I was hoping.
“I think he’s straight.” He sounded pretty confident. “Throw some toys over, I’m out.”
As if I would. “Are you sure?”
“You have more potential to bend that way compared to him.” At that I froze. But only for a second. I began pelting Changmin with dolls, more than anything to seem disturbed and disgusted that he would actually think so. Or does he know something? I threw more dolls at him, my heart in my throat. “I’m just saying! I mean you haven’t dated and all and what with your total lack of interest-“
“Some of us actually care more about their work!” I huffed, turning to face the wall. “Thanks Changmin, I think I will be able to sleep really well now!”
“There is no need to get so upset, you’re not the weird one, it’s Chun-hyung.” He said, beginning to throw the dolls back. “Don’t sleep yet, I’m not tired.”
Is that what this is about? Because he can’t go to sleep? “Why don’t you go make yourself a warm glass of milk?” I threw his words back in his face. I couldn’t resist.
He threw his pillow at me. “Stop stealing my lines.”
“Go to sleep.” I sigh, throwing his pillow back at him. Thanks to him I don’t think I will be able to sleep at all. “You’re always sleeping in the car and always the last one up. Anyone would think you would learn to try get enough rest.”
He mumbled something and then got out of bed, presumably to get something hot to drink. Alone in the darkness I thought of how Yoochun had kissed me and I feel a bit confused. Why didn’t he say anything to me? I mean, he knows I won’t judge him. Who am I to judge anyway, I’m the guy who can’t get into boobs.
Changmin came back with a tall glass of milk. He sat on his bed and sipped it loudly. I groaned and stuffed my head under my pillows. “Changmin!”
“I have no respect for gay guys.” He said suddenly. I stilled. “I told you before right?”
“What if it’s one of us?” I tried to sound off-handed and casual enough so that I wouldn’t make him suspicious. “Would you be able to live with us?”
“Since it’s a hypothetical question, then I’m not going to answer it.” There was a finality to his voice that told me not to pursue the subject further. He set his glass on his bedside table and crawled into bed. “Wow, I’m really tired now. Your ugliness drained all my energy out.”
I said nothing at first, feeling miserable. I wanted to be able to be honest enough with everyone, at least someday in the future. But Changmin’s words told me it wasn’t going to go down well. I sighed; knowing tonight would be one of those sleepless nights. “Thanks Changmin.”
“For the compliment? Anytime.” He turned to face the wall and after a minute I could hear his breathing slowing down. Soon his little snores filled the air. That boy falls asleep faster than anyone I know. Which is not a bad thing.
Leaving me to the vicinity of my own thoughts.
I tried my best to disprove Changmin’s theory the next day, sitting beside Yoochun in the car. He looked at me sleepily, his face devoid of any make-up. “Good morning, Su.”
Changmin rolled his eyes and stuffed his earphones into his ears. I heaved a sigh of relief. “You didn’t tell me you rolled both ways!” I whispered furiously, trying to keep my voice down.
“What?” He bleated, looking genuinely perplexed.
For a minute I considered backing out, someone might hear us. But a quick look showed that I had nothing to worry about. Changmin had conked out and was leaning against Jaejoong, with his mouth wide open. Yunho was upfront with the manager. I heaved a sigh of relief. “That you like boys and girls!”
His eyebrows rose and he leant closer to me. I backed away slightly, uncomfortable with how close we were. I suddenly felt as though even he couldn’t be trusted. If he had kept something of that degree from me then what are the odds of him turning against me? And knowing that he likes boys too, well. I’m just uncomfortable with that, I don’t know why.
He sighed and leant back in his seat. “Why would I? We were discussing your problems.”
“How is this a problem?” I demanded, crossing my arms. “I don’t see your problem. You’re happy the way you are, you obviously are comfortable with yourself.”
“What about other people? Are they okay with it?” He questioned, looking at Changmin. I felt my heart drop to my feet. “I’m not happy because I know what I am but I cannot express myself.”
I was beginning to feel like the bad guy in the whole thing. I looked away. “At least you still like girls.”
That was a stupid thing to say. He looked at me incredulously before he let out a short bark of laughter. “Are you kidding? I still like boys, that doesn’t make me normal. I’m as abnormal as you are, maybe even worse because I can’t decide whether I’m normal or not and I choose to be both.”
Up in front, I could see Jaejoong stirring and I tried to calm Yoochun down. He was getting worked up. “Just relax, okay? Someone will hear us at the rate you’re going.”
He shook his head but didn’t say anything. Instead he closed his eyes and sank lower in his seat. Immediately I felt depressed. We all try so hard to follow the crowd, to fit in as seamlessly as everyone else. Yet we stick out so much it’s impossible for us to actually blend in. At that moment I felt that I held not one bit of control over my life.
“Don’t tell me to relax because you know we both can’t. We both have this horrible thing inside of us.” Yoochun opened his eyes and met mine. “You know there are days when I wake up and I regret becoming what we are now? How much easier things would have been if we weren’t TVXQ. What if we weren’t as popular? I think that sometimes I would like to have been a flop.”
“You can’t seriously mean that.” I said, my throat dry. “After everything we’ve done-“
“We’ve done so much and I see nothing much in return. And we have already lost so many things in the process of becoming bigger. I don’t know if I can keep being like this.” He sighed and sat up straighter. “Sorry man, I totally went off the topic. But it’s all interconnected. You get me?”
And I actually did, sort of. “A bit.”
The whole sexuality thing is just the two of us being unhappy that we are caged, probably. And us being tired. We really are tired. The five of us spend most of our days sleeping now, and in between schedules. Sometimes we all fall asleep at home before we even eat dinner.
“Think happy thoughts, though.” He said, looking out of the window. “Happy thoughts. They get you through a lot more than you think they can.”
I nodded and sat closer to him, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face and inhaling his familiar scent. For a second I felt myself relax and then the car came to a halt. I turned to Yoochun but his face was already perfectly arranged into a blank mask, the one I realized with dismay, I owned as well. We all filed out of the car and I felt, even more then ever, that something was going to happen.
A/N: So yes, everyone, Chun is not straight! I also think he is the member with the most experience in these kind of things so he will definitely do a lot of leading the upcoming chapters.
And this such a childish thing but I was so happy to see more than ten comments for the previous chapter ^^ really never expected a single person to read my nonsense. You guys make my day all the time!