Its Me
I have been talking to a friend of mine, and I recently spoke to him about situations that happen in my life, and how easily I become torn by them. Last night I couldnt sleep, I tossed and turned all night long because the pain in the pit of my heart was so strong. Its easier to believe that once it was over, it was easier forgotten, but in reality the aftermath hurt more than anything.
I called my mom at 8:08 this morning, and the first thing I said to her was that I was angry. She replied to me " You're not angry, you're hurt." She said being angry is a choice, being hurt is not. I easily hurt being angry with being hurt, and when I get hurt or am hurting, the nearest emotion that is the easiest to grasp is anger. But being angry never accomplishes anything.
You know I say all the time that people dont wanna take what is the reality for themselves, they'd soon toss it off on someone else, but what have I done? I am hurt to the point where all I can feel is anger, and I know I am hurt, but I dont know how to let it go. Crying never solves anything, its more of an opportunity to mourn over a situation that has happened. But even in my relentless frustration, I bottle the emotion of tears, which is probably my best bet of comfort.
I am so hurt (angry) that everytime someone says that they will be there, they turn in the opposite direction and leave me to fend for myself when it gets to be too much for them. I am not a simple person, I am more complex in more ways than anyone could ever understand (sometimes I dont even understand).
To God:
To the creator of everything good and honest , and this whole universe(however dishonest and chaotic it has become)
WHY AM I LIKE THIS? Why is it easier for me to push away all the people that are around, and black out all of my real feelings?
WHY AM I BUILT TO BE TORN APART? Why cant you hear me? Why does it seem in every situation you dont care?
I was watching the news the other day, and I realized that there are may people that are feeling like this. AND THERE SEEMS TO BE NO RESOLVE. People take life for life, people prey on the vulnerable. What?Why? I just dont understand it.
In my eyes, everyone around me looks at me with deceit in their heart; though idle words of wisdom and encouagement they do spew; they never gain more. Its just an endless cycle of chaos.
TO You God:
Breath to my very soul...
... where is the air? What life have I gained through all of this? What story? Its inevitible, that the same way your son died, we must all meet the same demise. Crucified by the very ones around us that patted us on the back, and praised our every action. Isnt one enough?
If this is to be the sonship, if this is to be the prize of a kings treasure. Then why call it a prize?
Why call it a reward?
To die is to gain?
I called my mom at 8:08 this morning, and the first thing I said to her was that I was angry. She replied to me " You're not angry, you're hurt." She said being angry is a choice, being hurt is not. I easily hurt being angry with being hurt, and when I get hurt or am hurting, the nearest emotion that is the easiest to grasp is anger. But being angry never accomplishes anything.
You know I say all the time that people dont wanna take what is the reality for themselves, they'd soon toss it off on someone else, but what have I done? I am hurt to the point where all I can feel is anger, and I know I am hurt, but I dont know how to let it go. Crying never solves anything, its more of an opportunity to mourn over a situation that has happened. But even in my relentless frustration, I bottle the emotion of tears, which is probably my best bet of comfort.
I am so hurt (angry) that everytime someone says that they will be there, they turn in the opposite direction and leave me to fend for myself when it gets to be too much for them. I am not a simple person, I am more complex in more ways than anyone could ever understand (sometimes I dont even understand).
To God:
To the creator of everything good and honest , and this whole universe(however dishonest and chaotic it has become)
WHY AM I LIKE THIS? Why is it easier for me to push away all the people that are around, and black out all of my real feelings?
WHY AM I BUILT TO BE TORN APART? Why cant you hear me? Why does it seem in every situation you dont care?
I was watching the news the other day, and I realized that there are may people that are feeling like this. AND THERE SEEMS TO BE NO RESOLVE. People take life for life, people prey on the vulnerable. What?Why? I just dont understand it.
In my eyes, everyone around me looks at me with deceit in their heart; though idle words of wisdom and encouagement they do spew; they never gain more. Its just an endless cycle of chaos.
TO You God:
Breath to my very soul...
... where is the air? What life have I gained through all of this? What story? Its inevitible, that the same way your son died, we must all meet the same demise. Crucified by the very ones around us that patted us on the back, and praised our every action. Isnt one enough?
If this is to be the sonship, if this is to be the prize of a kings treasure. Then why call it a prize?
Why call it a reward?
To die is to gain?