rehearsing the faces that I'll make
I ended up staying out with my friend a lot later than I expected. I didn't get home 'til 1:30 (and, I had to wake up at 4:50. I'm sure you can figure out the consequences...). My two-hour shift suprisingly went by really fast, praise God. I was alert and able to guard lives like nobody's business. And, so now here I am listening to a speech CD that is helping me give better speeches. I don't think it's working. I'm not going to my 9:00 o'clock math class because I need to listen to this CD. I'm pretty much a failure, today.
Last night, my friend Kyle and I were talking about the realities of being a human. Not a Christian. Not an atheist. Not a Buddhist. Simply, just being human. We both decided that if we really said what was in our brains, then we would have way less friends and be judged a lot more. Like, we all say that we'll be there for each other no matter what, but really, are we? If I told you everything that is driving me crazy and the realities of my life, would you really be there for me, without question? I mean, I feel like I've told Wes Ogburn almost everything in my entire life, but there are still some things that I refuse to tell him because I'm afraid of what he'll think (and I'm afraid to tell him I've been dishonest with him to cover up things I've done so that I won't have to reveal any new information that might make him think I'm a bad person... which is bullshit and would never happen). It's a sick little cycle. Well, the light exposes the darkness. This has been on my heart for the past 4 months. Think about it--the light exposes the darkness. What if we were, in fact, very real with each other? What if there were no sins, childhood issues, judgements, etc. that would be left untold? I know that I wouldn't be asked to do anything at church, again. I know that a lot of my brothers and sisters in the Lord would never look at me the same. I know that I would feel way better.
I was talking to Wes about something, and he was talking about how he used to try to figure out everyone's secrets, because he had his own secrets to hide. And so, instead of building friendships, he was busy trying to find out secrets. Pretty wise words from a 20-year-old. I mean, Wes is smart, but you know what I mean. I think I'm too busy trying to look to see how everyone is human, and in doing so, try to remember how I am human. It's tough to get through that "everything is OK" mask. What's even harder is taking off the mask myself, and saying, "This is the real me. No pretense. No lies. Just plain ol' me." What if we lived lives so dangerously that we didn't care what people thought of us? I'm going beyond the verses in the Bible that talk about us needing to be above reproach (what does that honestly even mean in today's culture?) and the appearance of evil. What if we didn't appear to be evil, but we just decided that we WERE evil. Because, I can honestly tell you that I have a filthy mind. I can tell you that I do a lot of shit that God doesn't want me to do. I can also tell you that every day I decide to either respect God's wishes or fulfill my own desires, and I usually win (in my mind, of course). I really want to be real with people. I want the light (that is in Christ Jesus) to expose the darkness. I don't want people to accept me for me, but to just know what I'm going through. I could never ask anyone to understand or relate, but I just want to let people know that I'm struggling. I'm evil. I'm a human being just like everyone else. I don't have it all together. I don't have the answers to all the questions (though, I thought I did). I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know who I can trust. And, sometimes, I just feel like dying and going to heaven. I'm tired of this struggle and wondering who the Holy Spirit is and what His voice sounds like. I'm tired of thinking if my conscience is God telling me something, or if my conscience is a dirty, lying cheater. I really just hate hiding this stuff that is such a big part of my life.
This is the best way I can sum up my entry. I know that a lot of people look at the gay pride issue as ridiculous and people say stuff like, "Well, I don't walk around talking about how I'm proud of being straight...." I think, for them, it's not that they're proud of being gay, it's that they're proud of not living in secret, anymore. Straight people aren't proud of being straight, because it seems like the majority of the people are straight. What would being sraight force you to keep in secret (besides jerking off to images of naked ladies, that basically everyone does)? Like, have you ever met someone who has come out to you? Isn't it so much better for them when they do? They feel completely liberated. Just ignore what you think about homosexuality, for a second, and look at the context of this all. For people to be proud that they're gay is almost like them being proud that they're finally free to be themselves. How good does it feel when you relate to someone and you're not living in darkness about it, anymore? What a great feeling, no? I remember the first time I talked about masturbation with someone else (I was about 15). "You do that too? I thought I was the only Christian who did that." Funny how guilty thoughts consumed such a big part of my life and took the place of God's peace. So, I really really really want to be honest with you. I promise that I'm stepping in that direction. If you judge, then judge. If you accept, then accept. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of living like I'm completely perfect and I just struggle with finances and lust. There is so much more.
Langston Hughes talked about a song of the revolution. Paul talked about being liberated into freedom. Well, what are we waiting for?
Last night, my friend Kyle and I were talking about the realities of being a human. Not a Christian. Not an atheist. Not a Buddhist. Simply, just being human. We both decided that if we really said what was in our brains, then we would have way less friends and be judged a lot more. Like, we all say that we'll be there for each other no matter what, but really, are we? If I told you everything that is driving me crazy and the realities of my life, would you really be there for me, without question? I mean, I feel like I've told Wes Ogburn almost everything in my entire life, but there are still some things that I refuse to tell him because I'm afraid of what he'll think (and I'm afraid to tell him I've been dishonest with him to cover up things I've done so that I won't have to reveal any new information that might make him think I'm a bad person... which is bullshit and would never happen). It's a sick little cycle. Well, the light exposes the darkness. This has been on my heart for the past 4 months. Think about it--the light exposes the darkness. What if we were, in fact, very real with each other? What if there were no sins, childhood issues, judgements, etc. that would be left untold? I know that I wouldn't be asked to do anything at church, again. I know that a lot of my brothers and sisters in the Lord would never look at me the same. I know that I would feel way better.
I was talking to Wes about something, and he was talking about how he used to try to figure out everyone's secrets, because he had his own secrets to hide. And so, instead of building friendships, he was busy trying to find out secrets. Pretty wise words from a 20-year-old. I mean, Wes is smart, but you know what I mean. I think I'm too busy trying to look to see how everyone is human, and in doing so, try to remember how I am human. It's tough to get through that "everything is OK" mask. What's even harder is taking off the mask myself, and saying, "This is the real me. No pretense. No lies. Just plain ol' me." What if we lived lives so dangerously that we didn't care what people thought of us? I'm going beyond the verses in the Bible that talk about us needing to be above reproach (what does that honestly even mean in today's culture?) and the appearance of evil. What if we didn't appear to be evil, but we just decided that we WERE evil. Because, I can honestly tell you that I have a filthy mind. I can tell you that I do a lot of shit that God doesn't want me to do. I can also tell you that every day I decide to either respect God's wishes or fulfill my own desires, and I usually win (in my mind, of course). I really want to be real with people. I want the light (that is in Christ Jesus) to expose the darkness. I don't want people to accept me for me, but to just know what I'm going through. I could never ask anyone to understand or relate, but I just want to let people know that I'm struggling. I'm evil. I'm a human being just like everyone else. I don't have it all together. I don't have the answers to all the questions (though, I thought I did). I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know who I can trust. And, sometimes, I just feel like dying and going to heaven. I'm tired of this struggle and wondering who the Holy Spirit is and what His voice sounds like. I'm tired of thinking if my conscience is God telling me something, or if my conscience is a dirty, lying cheater. I really just hate hiding this stuff that is such a big part of my life.
This is the best way I can sum up my entry. I know that a lot of people look at the gay pride issue as ridiculous and people say stuff like, "Well, I don't walk around talking about how I'm proud of being straight...." I think, for them, it's not that they're proud of being gay, it's that they're proud of not living in secret, anymore. Straight people aren't proud of being straight, because it seems like the majority of the people are straight. What would being sraight force you to keep in secret (besides jerking off to images of naked ladies, that basically everyone does)? Like, have you ever met someone who has come out to you? Isn't it so much better for them when they do? They feel completely liberated. Just ignore what you think about homosexuality, for a second, and look at the context of this all. For people to be proud that they're gay is almost like them being proud that they're finally free to be themselves. How good does it feel when you relate to someone and you're not living in darkness about it, anymore? What a great feeling, no? I remember the first time I talked about masturbation with someone else (I was about 15). "You do that too? I thought I was the only Christian who did that." Funny how guilty thoughts consumed such a big part of my life and took the place of God's peace. So, I really really really want to be honest with you. I promise that I'm stepping in that direction. If you judge, then judge. If you accept, then accept. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of living like I'm completely perfect and I just struggle with finances and lust. There is so much more.
Langston Hughes talked about a song of the revolution. Paul talked about being liberated into freedom. Well, what are we waiting for?