fic: My Ferry Romance (4/4)
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Frank's room was the only place in the apartment that looked suited for Halloween. He had a variation of tiny plastic toy vampires, zombies and werewolves on his desk, and there was a really cool mirror on one wall with frames shaped and painted to resemble nothing less than Dracula himself.
"Cool," Gerard breathed as he peered into the mirror. Jack Skellington marionette hung close on the wall.
Frank's grinning face appeared behind him after he had carefully closed the door. Some time in the evening he had managed to misplace his mask, and his hair was a mess.
"I got it from dad one Halloween when I was a kid. He said to be extra careful if I couldn't see someone's reflection in the mirror, 'cause then I'd met a real vampire."
"Oh." Gerard deflated in his Wal-Mart cloak. His mirror image looked disappointed with himself. "Hate to disappoint you but I think your mirror blew my cover."
Frank giggled and wrapped his arms around Gerard's waist, leaned his cheek on one shoulder blade and nuzzled his face there. "Silly," he said. "If I wanted a vampire I'd go to graveyards and shit."
"Frank." Gerard removed Frank's hands from his waist and turned around. Frank looked confused, and Gerard took a leap of faith and kissed him with his plastic vampire teeth and everything.
Frank quickly locked his arms around Gerard's neck, eagerly kissing him back, tongue licking into Gerard's mouth. Frank's teeth clashed with Gerard's stupid fangs, and he giggled, trying to kiss him around them.
"I thought you'd never do that," Frank murmured against Gerard's jaw after a while, and then kissed him again, slow and deep.
Gerard grinned, pulling away a little as he kissed the tip of Frank’s nose. He was really fucking happy he had come to the party. He mumbled so much to Frank.
Frank was smiling when he touched Gerard's lip with his fingertip. His hands smelled like potato chips and cigarettes. "Take these out, 'kay?" he said, poking Gerard's fangs with his finger. "Wanna kiss you without these in the way."
Gerard studied Frank's eyes for a while: they were honest and expectant. He nodded and pushed the plastic teeth out with his tongue. He threw them in the trash can next to Frank's bed, and gave Frank a sheepish smile.
Frank tugged Gerard on the bed, sitting beside him, and kissed him again.
Gerard brought his hand to rest on Frank's neck, fingers pressing against Frank's jawline. He licked into Frank's mouth persistently, tasting Red Bull and smokes and cake.
Frank whimpered as he pressed closer, touching Gerard's face and chest and belly while his leg tried to drape over Gerard's knee. He smeared kisses on Gerard's jaw and under his chin, pulling hard at Gerard's white collar shirt.
"C'mon," Gerard murmured, tugging and pulling until Frank was snug against his chest, legs straddling his thighs. Rocking a little, Frank shifted even closer, inadvertently pressing his knee on Gerard's cloak and almost managing to strangle him in the process.
"Shit, sorry sorry," Frank wailed as he tried to struggle his weight off the cloak, totally failing.
Gerard croaked and flailed around until he located the knotted ribbon on his neck. He tried to loosen the knot and free himself from the offending cloth with Frank unhelpfully pawing at the threads. When he finally managed to get himself freed, he gasped for air, then cracked up.
"Oh man," he wheezed. "This is like the weirdest fucking make out I've ever had."
Frank rubbed at Gerard's throat gently while they both laughed some more.
"I've had weirder," he shrugged, and quickly leaned forward to peck Gerard's cheek.
Gerard snorted. "Before you kissed me I wasn't even sure you were into guys 'cause of your ex-girlfriend. And god, Bob. You managed to confuse me so much with him, too."
Frank giggled. "What? You thought I was into chicks and Bob and everyone besides you? ”
Gerard mumbled his reply.
Frank gave him an affectionate smile and wrapped himself completely around Gerard, legs around Gerard's waist and arms around his neck, while nuzzling against the side of his face.
Gerard hugged him close, breathing him in. He really hoped that Frank liked him as much as he liked Frank.
Somewhere between that thought and a sigh, Gerard found himself on his back, sandwiched between Frank and the bed. Frank pressed his mouth against Gerard's throat and poked a pulse point with the tip of his tongue. He hummed a little, fingers scratching Gerard's scalp.
"Frank," Gerard said with a raspy voice, but didn't know where to take that sentence. He made a fist on the small of Frank's back, Frank's hoodie bunching up inside his palm, and shuddered as Frank's tongue poked at him more insistently.
"Frank," he said again, kind of unsure, because as much as he liked where things were headed, it probably wasn't the best thing to be doing right now. And he had been trying so hard to make the right choices lately, it was all a part of finally fixing his life.
"I don't think -"
"I want--" Frank interrupted, pressing kisses up along the column of Gerard's neck. "Wanna be with you. I -- please, Gee, please, please."
Frank's voice was needy and insistent and really fucking sexy. Gerard tugged at the waist of Frank's jeans, and groaned. He could not deny Frank of anything. And he wanted this, too, wanted Frank more than anything he had wanted for a very long time.
Frank hiccuped close to Gerard's ear as he rocked his hips against Gerard's belly. Gerard couldn't have brought himself to stop this anymore even if he'd really wanted to, which he didn't, so he just stopped worrying and focused on Frank, hard and taut and warm in his arms.
"Thought you looked apologetic when I first saw you," Frank babbled. "Didn't understand why. You weren't like the rest though, an' I like that, fuck."
Gerard's hands gripped Frank's ass, pushing him closer still. "Wha?" he mumbled, kind of ridiculously turned on. "Got some loser fetish or somethin'?"
That earned a hard shove at his chest. Frank huffed indignantly, and dug his fingers under Gerard's shirt, poking at his ribs so hard that Gerard kind of wanted to cry out in pain. He bit his lip though, stupidly proud when he managed to stay quiet.
"Fuck you," Frank said. He sounded pissed off again, but he kept rocking against Gerard, humping him into the mattress industriously, which was a damn big relief. "You stupid fuckin' nnguh," he garbled, pawing at Gerard's chest when Gerard angled his hips just right.
Frank's mouth was soft and wet on Gerard's clavicle when he came. Gerard twisted his head enough to nip at Frank's earlobe, calming him, giving Frank time to catch his breath, letting him come down even though Gerard was still aching and uncomfortably hot and beginning to feel really desperate.
Frank seemed to notice this as he let out a shuddering breath and struggled his hand into Gerard's jeans, scratching his belly as he went. He nipped at the hollow of Gerard's throat and jacked him sloppily, mumbling something that Gerard's brain couldn't even take in anymore because he was coming too now, bucking up and twisting his hands on Frank's sweaty hoodie.
Frank spent some time petting Gerard's dick and murmuring randomly. Gerard made a noise, and Frank finally pulled his hand out and wriggled his fingers next to Gerard's face. He smirked and wiped the hand clean on Gerard's shirt before sinking down on Gerard's chest, pressing a smile into his shoulder.
Gabe was yelling Midtoooown! Midtoooown! in the living room, but Frank's cackles almost drowned him out.
--
Frank wrote his phone number on Gerard's palm and said, "I had a great time tonight. We should do this more often."
Gerard stared at the numbers and nodded, then kissed Frank's cheek, quickly because Mikey was watching. He felt uncomfortable in his pants, and everyone was staring at him and Frank like they knew exactly what had gone on in Frank's room. The come was beginning to dry and it glued his dick to his boxers. He could feel fabric flakes sticking to his skin. He promised to call Frank later with his phone number, or give it to him Monday morning on the ferry, then hurriedly stumbled out the front door with Mikey and Ray snickering in the stairwell.
In the car, Mikey looked at him calculatingly through the front mirror while Ray babbled about Gabe maybe introducing Ryland and Alex to him some time.
"Ryland and Alex from... Ivy League?" Gerard asked on autopilot, his thoughts still with Frank. "Huh, small world."
"What? You know them?" Ray sounded suspicious and a little bit jealous.
"Nah, but Vicky from work does."
"Did you and Frank, y'know," Mikey interrupted. Gerard almost swerved off the road.
"Jesus, Mikey!"
Mikey grinned. "I think that answers my question."
--
On Monday morning Gerard woke up with good spirits. It was early, and his toes felt like icicles, but for once Gerard was more than happy to leave for work.
He checked his reflection in the mirror on his bedroom wall, above an old drawer where he kept his brushes and inks. His hair was a mess like always, but at least it wasn't as greasy as usually. Showering before the party was still paying off. He looked at his palm where Frank's number was still somewhat visible, then checked that the post-it note where he had copied the number Friday night was still safely tacked on the mirror. It had been a long weekend for Gerard. All he had wanted was to call Frank, but he also didn’t want to come off as too eager and creep Frank out. In the end, he had deemed it best to wait.
"Okay, buddy," he said to his reflection, not quite able to hold back his toothy grin. "Ready to see Frankie again?"
Mirror-Gerard rolled his eyes, grinning still, and told him to hurry the fuck up, because, "At this rate you're going to miss your ferry, you big cheeky bastard!"
When he got there, he scanned the café. It was mostly empty this morning, which fit Gerard just fine. At least Frank would have more time for Gerard, no one would be there interrupting them.
Quietly humming to himself, Gerard sat down by his signature table and brushed his hair out of his eyes. He looked around the café again, and wondered when Frank would come out of the kitchen and notice him waiting.
He was drumming the edge of the table with his index fingers and staring intently at the kitchen door when a girl with curly, sand-colored hair tied up in a loose bun and wearing smart clothes walked out of the kitchen. She had a red apron tied around her waist and she was balancing plates in her hands.
She breezed past Gerard while he gaped at her, feeling the familiar drop of his stomach. He watched her do Frank's job with an aura of strange calmness, so out of place already, smiling lovely and shaking her head when old men tipped her generously.
"Did you want something to eat?" she asked Gerard with a bright smile. Her name tag read Greta, and she looked like a modern-day angel. "Drink orders down by the counter."
"Uhhh," Gerard said. He looked around the café, still searching for Frank, and helplessly flapped his hands.
"Okay," she smiled kindly to him. "Just ask for Greta if you change your mind."
--
At work Gerard doodled on the back of his old tax return envelope and reflected on the morning on the ferry. He had spent the journey staring at the tiny window on the kitchen door, watching Bob's white chef hat bobbing left and right as he completed various orders. He had watched as Greta chatted with pensioners and cleaned tables with Frank's dirty-white rag, pretending he wasn't staring at her when she looked his way.
Gerard didn't want to consider the option that Frank was hiding from him, but it was what was starting to make more and more sense in his head.
What else could it be?
Gerard still wasn't sure what he had done wrong.
Maybe Frank had just been looking for a simple lay on Friday, and he was now trying to avoid seeing Gerard again, probably feeling bad for leading him on. After all, everything always looked clearer in daylight. Sure, Frank had seemed really into Gerard, but it wasn’t the first time Gerard had read people wrong.
Gerard decided to swipe these thoughts out of his head. Frank was probably just running errands for Brian or something. He was sure Frank would be there to greet him when he got back from work.
He had his coffee in the break room. Vicky strolled in right after him, long legs and loose hair, like an Amazon. Her smile was making Gerard nervous. She wanted to know how things had gone with Frank, and Gerard gave her a tight smile, muttering about having so much work to do, and that he would tell her all about it later. He hid from Vicky in his cubicle the rest of the day, lurking behind palm plants and water coolers when he tried to get to the restroom without her noticing.
Frank wasn't on the ferry in the evening either. He didn't greet Gerard with a wide smile and coffee the next morning, and Bob never came out from the kitchen now that Frank wasn't there so Gerard couldn't even ask him what was up. Greta had done her best to be nice to Gerard, asking him if everything was alright and if she could bring him something to eat or drink, but she would always only get curt answers back. Gerard asked her if she knew where Frank was but she didn't even seem to know who he was talking about. Eventually she stopped bothering him altogether, and left him alone.
On the fourth morning Gerard woke up to the noises of Jimmy and Chantal having sex. It was just Gerard’s luck that Jimmy would want to have loud banging sex early in the morning just when Gerard had been in the middle of a lovely dream he couldn’t remember much about anymore.
He drank instant coffee mix from a cereal bowl because all of his mugs were looking pitifully small that morning. There wasn’t really any reason for him to wait until he was on the ferry to drink his coffee now. Some of his most favorite moments involved the café, and Frank chatting with him about unimportant things. It just wasn’t the same anymore.
He selected a pair of softly worn jeans from the backrest of a chair, burrowed into a loose black hoodie with the hood over his head, wrapped his neck in three different scarves, shrugged into his leather jacket, pulled gray mittens over his hands and ignored Mrs. Blumenkrantz in the stairwell, Eddie lurking in the doorway, and did a bad job of not thinking about Frank.
Gerard sighed. He guessed he could in theory call Frank since he was the one with the phone number. He had considered it earlier, but he couldn't quite bring himself to do it anymore. He didn't even know what to say to him. Frank had made it pretty clear that he didn't want to see Gerard anymore, so there really wasn't a point in calling now.
--
Vicky was getting restless. She had taken to spending even more time stalking Gerard at work, insisting he tell her what's really going on with him and Frank.
Mikey on the other hand had chosen, surprisingly enough, the Supportive Brother Route. He looked somewhat disappointed, but he never forced Gerard to do anything about the situation. Mostly Mikey just seemed fixated on Gerard's drinking problem, doing apartment checks and driving him to AA meetings even when Gerard snapped at him about being stupid if he thought he was going to start drinking again over this.
Gerard had done a pretty stellar job at avoiding Ray altogether.
He was sitting in his bed in the dark, smoking a cigarette and staring at the hot pink post-it note on the mirror where Frank's phone number had made home almost a week ago. The air was thick around him, his head was itching, and there was an annoying numbness settling into his leg. He wondered if the ‘we should do this again’ Frank had quipped at Gerard after the party had been an invitation for casual sex, or if Frank had said that to him just to be nice. Maybe he had meant that Gerard should give him a call when he wanted to hook up again, and then only after Gerard had left realized that Gerard wanted so much more out of it.
And now Frank was hiding from him.
Awesome.
Gerard’s life was a fucking joke.
Gerard went to bed with a headache, and if he didn't get much sleep that night, it wasn't because of Eddie's moonlight serenade, but because he couldn't stop thinking about Frank and what could have been.
--
The feeling of loneliness came back into Gerard's life. Frank had consumed such a huge part of his life with his big personality that when he suddenly wasn't filling up that space anymore, it felt emptier than it had for years. Gerard had experienced this same feeling only once before, when he'd moved out of his childhood home. He didn't even spend much time with Mikey anymore because the only thing Mikey seemed to be fixated on was badmouthing Frank. Gerard didn't need that kind of side-taking right now.
--
Gerard had been at the corner shop stacking up on smokes and Red Bull. The shop was owned by a crazy Italian old couple that reminded Gerard vaguely of his family during the Holidays. Gerard was positive they ran background checks on their customers because they seemed to know everything about everyone. They knew all about Gerard's work aspirations, and even asked him about his brother and that lovely lady he always seemed to be with, probably fishing for wedding invitations or hoping to hear some baby news.
When Gerard got back to his building, he heard muffled ringing coming from his apartment. A paper bag containing his purchases between his teeth, Gerard jiggled his keys until he found the right one, then rammed it into the lock. It was a relatively warm evening considering the season, and Gerard was sweating in the pile of clothes he had thrown on himself going out.
He searched his batphone in a hurry, turning over bedclothes and throwing pillows on the floor, not sure why he bothered. He hit his big toe on the foot of the bed and yelled, "Bitch motherfucker," into his mattress while his eyes watered. When he finally located his phone (it sat between comic book piles and dust bunnies under the bed), the caller had already hung up on him, and Gerard sighed, still awkwardly sprawled over his bed.
The doorbell rang after a while.
Gerard rolled onto his back and closed his eyes, listening. Whoever was at the door didn't relent, and soon there was hard banging coupled with the ringing and a pissed off voice yelling, "Open the fucking door, Gerard, your creepy neighbor just saw you getting in!"
Frank's pissed voice.
Gerard hurried to let him in.
"Frank! I didn't -- you're the last person I expected to see." Gerard was sweating again. He didn't know what to do with his hands; they flapped helplessly in the air but at least he still somehow managed to close the door with them.
Frank snorted. It wasn't an amused noise. "You never called," he said, his voice raspy and rough, and after locating Gerard's living room, sat down on the couch. Gerard followed him, confused.
"Well, yeah, but I think you made it pretty clear you didn't want me to." He didn't sit down beside Frank. He crossed his arms defensively against his chest, and frowned. Internally he was freaking the fuck out.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Frank said. He was still pretty pissed judging by the tone of his voice and the way he was tense like Gerard had never seen before.
"Why weren't you working on Monday?" Gerard countered.
Frank huffed a laugh. It was the kind of noise that said, I can't fucking believe you, you son of a bitch. He stood up, shaking his head, and ran a hand up along his face.
"I was fucking huddled in bed in fever, that's fucking why!"
Ouch.
That was not what Gerard had been expecting to hear. He suddenly felt like the biggest fucking jerk in the world.
"You -- you were sick?" Gerard cringed. And yeah, now that Gerard was really looking at Frank, he could see Frank still didn't look completely well. His eyelids were at half-mast, nose and cheeks pink, and he sounded like he had been coughing up a lung earlier.
Frank laughed again. He still didn't sound amused. "Fuck you, you can't be serious! You thought I was ignoring you?”
"Well." Gerard flapped his hands, feeling miserable. He thought he maybe needed help.
"You're really something else, aren't you."
Gerard didn't know what to say, but yeah, he probably was. He was vaguely aware that he should have started groveling, like, yesterday, but words got stuck somewhere before he managed to speak them, and holy shit he was a fucking asshole.
The phone started ringing again, and it brought him out of his haze. Gerard gave Frank an apologetic look and hurried to pick up the receiver. At the other end of the line was Ray, demanding to know why Gerard hadn't picked up earlier and telling him to stay put because Frank should be dropping by sometime in the near future.
Gerard swallowed noisily and hung up. "It was Ray," he said.
"Right," Frank said. "Did he tell you I was coming over?"
Gerard nodded.
"Okay."
"Look, Frank--"
"No, just. Shut up for a while," Frank snapped. He grabbed Gerard's hand and gave his fingers a tight squeeze. He was frowning, looking fucking menacing, still so very pretty. "I like you, I fucking like you a lot. Fuck if I know why, but I do."
Gerard opened his mouth to say, I like you too, but Frank's glare shut him up. "What I don't like is having to ask your friend for your address, or even not being sure if we're on the same page about -- about this thing that we have, or don't have. See? I don't even fucking know if there is something. I thought I knew, but you've been sending me so many mixed signals that I'm getting fucking confused."
Gerard squeezed Frank's hand back. He traced Frank's knuckles with his thumb, and watched Frank let out a heavy sigh. Gerard was the worst judge of character in the whole fucking world.
"I'm sorry. I do like you. A lot. I -- I don't know what happened. I just. Fucked up. I wasn’t sure if you wanted me or, y’know,” Gerard gestured wildly with his hands, kinda really embarrassed by now. “Just to get laid," he finished, cringing at his own words.
Frank gave him an incredulous look. "God, you're the most oblivious person I think I've ever met,” he said. “What the fuck? You thought I just - oh, fuck you! If I wanted a quick fuck with no strings attached, I’d go to someone easier than you," Frank snorted. “God. Why wouldn’t I want to be with you?”
"I dunno. Why would you?"
"Because I like you, that's fucking why. And I'm gonna punch you in the face if you ask me why I like you, man. Where the fuck is your self-confidence?"
Gerard scrunched up his face. He hugged his arms tight against his chest and wondered if this was the right time to tell Frank about his depression. Frank was really angry, and he had to say something. “There’s just some… stuff about me you don’t know, and it’s probably what’s still affecting my reasoning, er.”
Frank nodded, sighing. "Okay. You come with a package. I get that. But I will continue not knowing if you don't tell me."
There wasn't really anything else Gerard could do, so he told him.
They sat close on Gerard’s sofa, Gerard toying with the seams of his hoodie as he told Frank about his depression, how a year ago he couldn't even get out of bed without Xanax, and how he had started taking pills and booze together, how in the end they had made him feel suicidal, and how much he had scared Mikey back then, almost made him sick, too, with worry.
He told Frank how he had been on the verge of losing his job, and how he was still struggling to get better.
It sounded weird, coming out of his mouth, but it was also strangely liberating, being able to tell Frank everything. He wondered why he hadn’t told him about it earlier.
"I still get really anxious sometimes, but I don't think I'll ever get completely over that part."
Gerard swallowed hard around a thick lump in his throat. He knew he had probably blown his chance with Frank. But he also knew that if he ever wanted to have anything with Frank, he had to tell him about these things.
Frank was looking at him with his eyebrows drawn. He sighed, still squeezing Gerard’s hand in his.
Gerard made a surprised sound when Frank's arms wrapped around him, warm and comforting, and he sighed heavily, pressing his face into the junction of Frank's neck and shoulder.
"You're really fucking brave, Gerard, I’m glad you told me," Frank said. Gerard huffed a laugh into his neck.
"'M'not brave. I'm anything but."
"How can you say that when you've gone through so much shit and you're still here? You've already got over the worst, and you're still here."
"I -- Frank, I really like you. I'm sorry for being such a huge fuck up," Gerard said, still embarrassed for drawing such wrong conclusions earlier, and not being there for Frank when he was sick. He brought Frank’s hand to his lips, kissing his knuckles in apology.
Frank made a small noise of agreement and let Gerard pet his hand.
"Gerard. This thing," Frank motioned between them, "It's gonna take some time, but I'm so ready to make it happen, and I think you are, too, you just. You gotta trust that I won't bail out. Do you think I'd be here if I didn't like you so much? I don't go through all this trouble just for anybody, y'know."
Gerard took a shaky breath. He was sure he had never been this nervous before in his life. "I'm," he croaked, then cleared his throat. "I'm ready, too." He hoped he sounded as sincere as he felt.
"Okay," Frank said, doing a weird half-nod. He sounded almost as shaky as Gerard. "Okay. You can now start making it up to me for not visiting even once when I was sick," he continued monotonously, but Gerard could see he was biting down a small grin. "I was bored to death, and fucking angry at you for not calling like you said you would, dipshit. I demand some hardcore cuddling!"
Gerard laughed and it got caught in his throat. "'Kay. Come here." He slid his hand on Frank's side and tugged him close, planting a small kiss on Frank's cheek, another one on his jawline, breathing him in as he kept pulling Frank until he was nestled in a tight hug. Frank was pliant and compact all at once, snuggling up to Gerard, fitting his head under Gerard's chin, rucking up Gerard's hoodie in his balled fists.
"Oh, by the way?" Frank spoke, chapped lips tickling the side of Gerard's neck. His voice sounded kinda fucked up this close. "I wouldn't go near Bob any time soon if I were you, he's fucking pissed at you. Oh, and Brian, too, I guess."
Gerard nodded somberly. "Mikey's kinda pissed at you, but I'll talk to him. He'll probably want to switch sides."
Frank snorted, and it brought on a wet coughing fit. Gerard held him close, running a hand along Frank's back soothingly while he coughed up at least a lung and a half a gallon of snot.
Gerard figured Ray had given Frank Gerard’s address since he knew Frank had Ray’s phone number, but. "How'd you get here?" Gerard asked when Frank stopped coughing. He was pretty sure Frank's car was still waiting to be fixed, and they weren't exactly neighbors.
"I took a bus to Ray's place and then walked from there," Frank said into Gerard's hoodie.
"Frank! You're sick, you shouldn't have--"
"Yeah, yeah. Shut up before you sound like my mom."
Gerard tutted. He'd feel horrible if Frank got pneumonia because of him.
Gerard reached for the blanket on the back of the couch, wrapping it around Frank, grinning stupidly when Frank squirmed in his lap, elbows digging into Gerard’s sides, as he tried to get comfortable.
Gerard made a quiet promise to both of them. He was sure he would fuck up again somehow, but at least now he was determined to never let Frank slip away from him so easily, just like Frank hadn't let Gerard go.
Frank burrowed his face into Gerard's armpit, and snickered. "Remind me to talk to you 'bout showerin' at least twice a week when I wake up," he murmured, spitting smelly fabric from his mouth.
Gerard made an exasperated sigh, and tugged at Frank's sweater affectionately, arranging him snug up against his chest. His sketches were resting on the coffee table, and he promised to make his book a reality some day, but for now he was content to just sprawl on the couch with Frank. He made a mental note to himself to drive Frank back home before Eddie would start making noise, then closed his eyes and focused on holding him.
End
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