if you can find your way back to me...

[loveasthouwilt]

The sun was setting and I was standing in what was to become my temple to Elua, thinking. The ground had been mostly cleared before the snows came, thanks to several days' work at weeding, and though it was covered in a soft blanket of white, I could see in my mind's eye where each piece was to make its home-- here, a bench; there, a fountain;

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[travelingprince]

"You'll catch your death of cold out here unless you come inside soon," I said, more teasing than chiding, for I knew well of Phedre's dislike for being told what to do. "There's little more you can do with the temple until the snows are gone." Had I still the power to control the weather, I would have banished the snow for her myself, but that was long gone, and I was as much at the mercy of rains and winds as she.

[loveasthouwilt]

"Ah yes," I said, turning with a smile and a lifted eyebrow, "but if I freeze, then at least we shall have a statue for the garden." He looked pleased, when all was said and done, to be outdoors; certainly the chill agreed with him, making his eyes seem to sparkle more than usual, and his grin seem brighter. I held out my hands for him to come closer, feeling deeply happy that he had joined me.

[travelingprince]

As was usual around Phedre, it was impossible to stop myself from touching her, and I took her hands in mine. "A beautiful one, though I think one of Blessed Elua would be more appropriate," I could not help but jest.

[loveasthouwilt]

"Yes, I rather think so," I agreed drily, arching my eyebrows at him. "I am many things, Hyacinthe, but a goddess is not one." I knew he understood; we had both had enough truck with the gods and their powers to know how dire they could be. And yet after all that, we were still mortal, still simply Phedre and Hyacinthe; it seemed a miracle. "Do you like the snow?" I asked with a smile, not wishing to think on immortal power any longer. "It was like this last year... I'd hoped it would happen again."

[travelingprince]

"It is lovely, though I expect I will wish for the warmth and sun again before long." There was a faint dusting of snow on the shoulder of her coat, and I brushed it away. Little flakes remained scattered through her dark hair, and I would have brushed them away as well, but held myself back. "As long as it brings no illness with it, it will be a pleasant enough diversion."

[loveasthouwilt]

"You speak so darkly of everything," I chided him gently, turning to him as my smile dropped off into a worried look. "Are you truly so unhappy here, that you see everything not as good, but the absence of bad?" I looked down at his hands still wrapped carefully around mine, and felt the weight in my heart settle heavier still, feeling certain the larger measure of his dolor could be laid at my door. "I only want to see you happy, love," I said softly, stroking my gloved thumbs over the backs of his hands.

[travelingprince]

"I'm not unhappy," I said truthfully, after a bit of thought, in which I watched her thumbs move over the backs of my hands. Unhappy was what I had been during my exile on the Third Sister, away from everyone and everything I loved. This could not be called unhappiness, even if it was a torment. "But I have long since changed, ever since our journey from Alba."

I thought Moiread's death was the beginning of something only exaggerated by my exile. Perhaps things would have resolved another way if I had continued to live the immortal life I would have lived there, never seeing Phedre again, but here - well, I had been here nigh on a year, feeling more and more conflicted with each passing month.

"I must admit," I said, looking down at her hands, "that there are times - rare and few, but they are there - when I wish I had not come here, despite what fate awaits me back in our world."

[loveasthouwilt]

"And is that all because of me, or only in part?" I asked, though for a moment I had thought a lump in my throat would prevent me. I almost did not want to hear the answer, fearing it would be all, not knowing what I would do (or what he would) once it was said. It killed me to see him hurt, yet selfishly, I kept him close, unable to do without him.

And that was what I would never understand, about Hyacinthe or Joscelin; the things I did that hurt them, the ways I caused them pain-- they let me do it. They loved me enough that it was worth the hurt. For myself, I knew Kushiel's touch tortured me with pleasure in the pains of the heart; but for them? I could not say, and knew that whatever the answer, I did not deserve them.

[travelingprince]

I wished I had not said it then, wished I had not caused her the look of hurt that had stricken her features. But now that I had said it, I could not take it back, and while I did not want to lie, I could not tell the barefaced truth, either.

"The worst thing about my exile was being alone," I said, choosing my words carefully. "But in some ways it was easier, for there was a choice made for me that I could do nothing about. Here..." I squeezed her hands, out of the frustration of not being able to find the right words for how I felt. "Do you know what a torment it is not to act on what I feel, and have to hold myself back instead of being held back by the constraints of a curse? Of course you know," I added, before she could speak, "but it is not the same. I can't feel it the same way that you do."

[loveasthouwilt]

I had not expected him to say anything so cutting as this, more painful for the fact that he spoke not in malice but in simple truth. I was torturing him, as I was torturing myself, and I was startled to tears by the sheer overwhelming pain of it. "I am sorry," I whispered, feeling the tears begin to slide down my cheeks. "I am a coward, Hyacinthe, and it is not fair to you to hide behind my cowardice any longer." I tried to steady my breathing, but the tears would not stop, and I bowed my head as I stepped forward into the circle of his arms, craving the comfort his nearness brought. "I'm so sorry," I said again, the words half a gasp as I tried in vain to stop crying.

[travelingprince]

"Ah, Phedre," I murmured, wrapping my arms about her and holding her close. Her tears were like tiny glimmering knives piercing my heart, just as sharp and painful as a blade, and I could not bear them. "No. You are many things, Phedre, but a coward is absolutely not one of them." My cheek was against her hair as I spoke. It was I who was the coward, I thought, for if I was truly determined to move past this I would have moved farther than simply out of the treehouse, perhaps to another part of the island, and had less contact with the two of them until this ache in my heart went away.

[loveasthouwilt]

"I will speak to him then," I said recklessly, pulling back, feeling my eyes and cheeks bright with feeling. "If you believe I am brave, then I will do it." He was silent for a span of time, and I wondered if he doubted my conviction. "This is tearing us both apart," I said flatly, "and one way or another something must change. If we are not to swear off seeing each other entirely, which I would not do in any case, then I must tell Joscelin the truth. And if he decides to leave me because of it, then so be it. We neither of us can control him. But I can control me," I said decisively, dropping my hands in balled fists to my side. "And I will own where my heart lies, even if it is divided."

[travelingprince]

I drew in a deep breath, surprised by her words; I knew how deep her love for Joscelin ran, and I was not sure she was entirely thinking about what she was saying. "Phedre, if he decides to leave you... I know how much you love him, and he you. I truly do not think you would be the same without him." Though she had drawn back, I took her hands again, wanting to make her see reason. "Are you certain you want to risk what you have with him? Do you truly want to do that?"

[loveasthouwilt]

"I can do nothing else," I said resolutely, "and that will be his choice to make. Can't you see," I said, clutching desperately to his fingers, wishing I could will my gloves away and feel the warmth of his skin against my own. "This is my will, the will of my heart. I must choose, as we are all bidden to choose, and accept the consequences as they come.

"I love you too well, my dear," I went on sadly. "I have let you go too many times to do it again. And I do not think Joscelin will find it easy to walk out of my life thusly either." I hesitated, almost fearful of continuing, but I swallowed and went on. "If he does not leave... will you be able to share me? Truly, answer me, for I want no more secrets between us."

[travelingprince]

Could I?

I did not know.

Even having only part of her heart was better than having none at all, yet I did not know if I could manage it without jealousy. If I were a better man, perhaps, but I did not know if I wanted to risk it. "I don't know, Phedre," I replied, giving voice to my doubt. "I don't know if I could manage not to resent your being with Joscelin whenever you were not with me, wondering if..." If she loved him more, or was happier with him... I did not want to resent either of them for it, to strain our friendship more than it already was and twist it into something bitter and ugly.

"Let me think on it before you do anything rash," I said finally. I knew how great was her love for Joscelin, and his for her; I would not have her squander it for anything less than certainty. And I was certain of nothing. "When the snow is gone, I'll have an answer for you." I did not know when that would be, whether days or weeks, but I would make myself have an answer for her.

[loveasthouwilt]

I nodded a bit reluctantly; though I was all afire to run off and act on my determination, I knew he was speaking sense. Though I misliked continuing to hide my true feelings from Joscelin, I was no longer paralyzed by the thought of speaking to him plainly, and so knew that time could only help me decide what, if anything, I was to say. "As you wish, my dear," I said softly. And then I could not help it; though part of me warned against it, I pulled off one glove and laid my bare hand against his cheek, pulling his mouth down to mine that I might kiss him.