(no subject)
One of the things which came up often in my Training was the phrase, "A healthy priest makes all things sound" (Francesca DeGrandis).
This was presented to me very early on and is something I pass to my students. Like many of the short phrases (Feri koans, if you will) we repeat again and again, it bears repeating because it goes deep. I return to it again and again as a way of checking myself. Am I operating from a place of Health--Am I aligned? Am I Kala? Am I running power in a healthy way? Do my words and actions match my Truth? How is my inner landscape manifesting in my outer life and relationships? If I take this action or make that statement, will it help or hurt? Am I willing to chance that it might hurt even while healing? Do my emotions, thoughts, words and deeds "make all things sound" or do they rend, tear, wound, destroy?
Destruction is not necessarily a bad thing. It is a very real part of nature. It is necessary. So, sometimes as we are attempting to take action which will (eventually) make "all things sound" it necessarily involves destruction. It occurs to me that this might well be what is happening now among the Feri/Faery. What appears destructive may, in time, reveal itself to be very healing. Things which have been kept secret are being exposed to the light of day. Information, concerns, rifts between segments of the overall community which had been kept behind the (once) well-screened room where initiates speak to one another, are now in the open. Hot topics which have been impossible to resolve have promted a further rift, or split, or as someone called it, "a secession." Simultaneously, these topics have (I hope) caused us each to engage more deeply with our own ethics, practices and relationships with our human and divine counterparts.
It has long been my personal "party line" that we are all sovereign beings. We are each answerable only to our own Divine Authority which is housed in the Flower Above, the Aumakua. This necessarily assumes we are in clear communication with that part of ourselves which is Divine through the practices of Ha and Kala. This is how I have been able to "agree to disagree" with my fellow initiates. By presuming and trusting each of us is acting out of directive from our own Divine Authority, I have been able to say, "I don't agree with you, but I honor and trust you are following the Truth of your own threefold nature. As such, I will not engage in argument with you. I support you even if I do not agree."
This has not been an easy line to tow. There has been more than a little sentiment that either people are "with or against" each other. Nonetheless, it was recently pointed out to me that even though I state "publicly" that I choose to remain neutral, that in some private venues (where, among peers I deemed trustworthy) I have "let my hair down" so to speak. Among my trusted peers, I have spoken aloud thoughts and feelings which arise from Fetch (fear, shame, guilt) and Talker (which houses the Ego who can operate from control, judgement and need for approval) without taking the care, time and attention to fully engage GodSoul ("the most sound, whole and perfect of my three spirits).
Ah. So. Even this priest is not perfect. I have my moments. And in those instances, I can see that I was not operating in my role as a Priest who makes all things sound. Rather, I was operating as a person who, in the moment may have been feeling fearful, judgemental and in need of control of a situation which appeared to me to be thoroughly "out of control." In my defense, I thought I was in a safe space to do that--to vent and ask questions, even if that venting and questioning was not coming from a place free from complex. I was among Priests. I misunderstood--thinking that in a room full of Priests, I would be allowed this small opportunity to express my own fears, concerns, questions. Perhaps, for a moment, someone else might pick up the staff and act as Priest to me--ministering to my woundedness, quelling my fears, carefully pointing out my need to return to my altar.
It was pointed out to me that I am not neutral. This was stated more along the lines of "with or against" but I am chosing to evade that and stay with my Self. The Truth is that I am a Teacher who chooses to teach over distance, in person, in "classroom" format, 1:1 format, workshops and camps. I charge tuition for my time, expertise and efforts. I hold a Black Wand. These facts,in part or combined, place me on one "side" of the lines of secession whether that is what I say or not. I do not intend to change what I do or who I am. I will continue to teach in all of these venues and I will continue to ask to be compensated fairly. I offer no "excuses" and I make no "apologies."
As I spent time in contemplation of the accusation, it also became clear to me exactly who I turn to for spiritual guidance, mentorship and peership. Who, over the years has proven time and again, their trustworthiness to me individually? Whose words, deeds and actions, when I am sleepless and torn over recent events, do I call upon and hold up as models for my own spiritual progress? Who is it that has dared to ask me hard questions about my Work and really listen as I wreslte for clarity? Who is it that has dared to point out (not always gently) when I have fallen down when I was expected to stand up? Whose confidences have I consistently and irrevocably kept? Who has offered me shelter from the storm? Who has offered me forgiveness for transgression? And who would I invite to assist in the mentoring of my own students? Who would I call upon for advice, help and healing? Who do I trust to remind me that my own GodSoul holds the keys to my healing when I have forgotten? Indeed, I know who those people are (and they know who they are to me). They are the people I consider "family."
Sharing the bonds of initiation means we are related. We trace lineage back to the same parentage. That's kin. But who do you call when the infant has a fever and it's 3 a.m.? Who do you tell your concerns to? Whose call do you take even though you're in the midst of homework assignments, getting dinner on the table and someone is at the door? Those people are family. I am making a distinction for myself between kin and family. I have blood cousins I haven't seen since I was a child. If they called me in a crisis I would deem it inappropriate. If my sister called though, I would drop everything else on my agenda to be there for her. The same holds true for me among initiates (and students) of my religion. If I barely know you, if we've rarely spoken, why right do you have to my love and trust? I am not obligated to you. I will support you in as much as you are kin and you are Witches. But, I won't leave the dinner table to take your call and I won't take you at your word until you prove to me your Word is worth something.
The Truth is, that the people I consider family among my kin are few. I trust them implicitly. Utterly. Completely. I may not like everything they do. I may vehemently disagree with them on some points. I might not enjoy it at all when they point out my complexes and demand I resolve them. But I trust them and I love them.
In my last post, I spoke a little about perfect love and perfect trust. I don't have that with everyone in my Tradition. It's earned. It develops over time. It's mutually exchanged.
The Truth is that the people I consider family lie largely on one "side" of the multifaceted issues currently being discussed. Or, like me, they straddle the divide in many areas. A few are firmly ensconced on the other "side." It is to these people that I owe my allegiance. It is these individuals I support and uphold. I may not support their stance. But I support them because they have shown me they are in communion with their own Divine Authority and are acting out of that place of Alignment. I support them because they have allowed me to show them my vulnerabilities, to vent my frustrations and to talk until I can sort things out--and have not judged me. And, I have offered them the same gift. Even a Preist who desires to make all things sound, has to wrestle to get to a place where that is possible. We cannot and should not do this in isolation--because we all need a Mirror in order to see the sheen or dullness of our own Eyes. We cannot and should not limit the members of our "family" to those we know agree with us irregardless of our works and deeds. Rather, it is important we seek out and develop relationship with people who we can trust to hold up a dark mirror for us.
I am a second generation initiate in the Feri Tradition as descended through Victor and Cora Anderson. As such, it is their teachings I adhere to and practice. I have found some of the teachings of other of their descendents to be helpful. I find I have much more in common (practice, ethics and exegesis) with those people who are "close" to the Andersons in descent. I do not practice the teachings or engage with (very much) of the lore and liturgical materials which come down through the generations from other teachers. This, too, is a distinction which pushes me out of the zone of neutrality.
Am I taking sides?
The Truth remains that I am mySelf. I embody the Tradition and need neither the approval nor acceptance of anyone. That said, I know who I count on to be there and who I would go to the edges of the inifinite universe for if asked to do so.
I agree with Anaar's statements that I ideally every one of us is our own GrandMaster. Our own GodSoul is our GrandMaster! "I bow before no one, nor before any deity." That said, I honor that Cora Anderson passed Anaar the title, role and responsibility of GrandMaster. I do not believe it is imaginary. I would not want to be in her position. It is a heavy mantle. I honor her integrity. And I honor the title, role and responsibility which I perceive as real. I am honored and privileged to include her among my family. She has taught me much over the years.
My teacher did not employ the Wand system. He talked about it once or twice. It remains to be seen whether wands will be passed in my own lineage. I have been known to point out to students that they are doing "white" or "green" or "black" or even "red" wand work. But I haven't awarded anyone any wands. I have held my Black Wand for a few years now. It is heavy. Whether anyone else takes it seriously or not doesn't matter. What matters is that I do. Even now, I ask, "What responsibility does this entail?"
I wish to state that I think there are places where we all could have behaved better (myself included). It would behoove us all (myself included) to focus on our selves, our own work, sorting out our own truths. For there is more than One Truth, more than One Way, more than One Feri/Faery/Faerie/Vicia/Craft/Old Religion. Feri doesn't "belong" to humans--even those of us initiated to its powers. To state otherwise is to engage in what Storm Faerywolf aptly refers to as fundamentalism and is, in my opinion, opposed to the basic tenets of Feri Tradition which engage paradox to a maddening extent.
It would be helpful, as we speak openly in our journals, blogs, websites on the lists and even private correspondence, I think, to stay with ourselves rather than discussing other people, assassinating their characters or making broad-sweeping assessments and statements. What do "you" think? What do "you" feel? What is "your" process? We are Individuals. We are not One or Two or even Ten entities. We are a collection of individuals who at one point or another in our lives, were drawn toward this wild, mysterious, starlit Path and the gods who live and breathe there. We are Trained to Power and Self Authority. To imagine we would,could or should agree on all points is an assumption which flies in the face of what we are Trained to become: Human-Wild-Divine beings who can operate fully and healthfully in relationship to other Human Beings, other Wild Beings and other Divine Beings. Feri is not a monolith. If this hasn't been clear before, it should be now, at this historical moment.
As usual, I have gone on longer than is likely necessary. I have likely stated things which will be misinterpreted, misconstrued, misquoted. It is a chance I take knowingly.
I will no longer engage in public forums (yahoo or google groups) other than those pertaining directly to students and my coven. I am currently abstaining from viewing new or old websites concerning the Tradition(s) so I might better remain with my own Counsel. I am happy to engage in constructive conversation here or privately. If you choose to respond here, I ask that you remember this is my living room. Treat the hostess and her other guests respectfully.