Giving Thanks
This is my more personal weekly check in for those of you who care to read such things. I am trying to post here weekly about things that are not my blog, my workshops or other teachery-businessey stuff. Ya still might hear something interesting as I lay out the reality of what's been happening in my world. This is mighty long, so grab some tea or move along to something more like a soundbyte if you prefer.
First, while I've been more chatty of late on all of these social-networking forums I'm "hooked' into, I am also feeling more private these days. I am working on building new venues for my teaching-writing-mentoring Work and am not yet sure how it will cross-over or not with what I've been doing these many last years as a 'Craft' teacher. Also, this is the time of the Wheel Year which requires that 4th of the Witches' powers--Silence.
I am teaching a class on DreamTime and some other ways to extend ourselves into the "silent" realities where Talker is not so utterly engaged. Dreams, Deep Listening, Astral Travel . . . these along with a kind of journey-work I do . . . are the realms of symbol, sigil, sign, omen . . . not of Talker. I find it ironic that this time of year is traditionally my most active and fruitful. The two months before my solar return, I am busy busy busy creating and bringing into manifestation what may have been seeded a long time ago. So, on the one hand I am being very quiet and inward. On the other, I am furiously working behind the scenes preparing and manifesting projects shelved for years while I raised my children and tried to scrape together enough money to bring them to light.
Some people have asked me "You teach other stuff besides Feri?" The question is very telling. I actually studied and initiated in other trads. I went to college and studied the intersections between Gender, Politics and Religion. I wrote a thesis on the Women's Spirituality Movement back in the 90's and came this close to attending the Center for Culture and Creation Spritiuality in Oakland (alas, I got pregnant and had babies instead of moving to where I perceived the action would be and am eternally grateful for that choice). I've been in recovery for 22 years. I have a nursing degree and licensure, have raised 2 biracial children single-handedly, was once the owner of a metaphysical store and website, founded a rather large pagan and ritual arts community in my region . . . so, yeah. I know some stuff that would work very nicely taught and facilitated outside the Feri Tradition. I have lived and lived and loved and loved. There is little I haven't seen or experienced. All of it comes into the mix of what I share with students, clients, friends and lovers.
I'm really excited to begin working on a long-shelved project called Women of the 13th Moon. I'll be facilitating here in New England as well as online. It's a big, sprawling, gorgeous, deep, empowering, celebratory, deep, feminine, wild, journey and I cannot wait to launch it fully.
There is the 36' Labrynth recently acquired. It seems clear that this is only to be used for events which raise (donation only) money for causes. I am looking for space to hold Labrynth Walks once per month locally to raise funds for social justice, women's shelters, men's resource centers, etc. Of couse, I am open to hearing other suggestions on how best to use the Labrynth for the betterment of individuals and our communities.
In January and February I have committed to facilitating A Winter Feast for the Soul (for info go here: http://www.winterfeastforthesoul.com/ ), a 40 day commitment to show up and meditate on personal and global peace in my hometown. This brings me such a sense of joy, honor and humilty. This is good work for me.
The 2010 calendar is really pretty full, but I am surprisingly happy that there is not a lot of travel booked. After the child-care fiasco which prevented me from teaching at Feri Camp in Europe, it seems pretty clear that I am not in a position to be jet-setting around the world and leaving two kids at home on a regular basis. I am a home-body and my kids need me, and I guess until I can afford to take them with me or pay someone (rather than barter) to stay with them or they grow up and move away, that my travels will be limited to places I really want to go, teaching what I really feel compelled to teach. (Please do not read this as my saying I did not want to be in Germany. I really did! Not be able to go gave me pause to review priorities.)
Less and less, am I compelled to teach Feri. I am working intimately with two big handfuls of Feri students here and at distance who I really want to focus on training as thoroughly and carefully as possible. They are all so gorgeous and lush and hold incredible potential. I am honored to share what I know and learn from them in return. I am happy to travel to spend time with them and offer workshops to other committed students in their regions. But workshops for the sake of teaching workshops in Feri Trad doesn't appeal to me right now. things could change again---they often do.
I am more excited at the prospect of creating and maintaining spaces where people who really want to be, feel and do better in their personal lives and relationships can enter into that work and really move forward. I am especially grateful for opportunities to do what I love which do not require a lifetime(s) karmic commitment to my students! I've been doing some 1:1 mentoring/coaching (hate that word) and Love the process of contracting with someone for a specific amount of time to get a particular set of personal-spiritual goals met. It's very fulfilling to assist people in stepping past fear into love and power. It's all about the love and power, baby. Always has been.
At home, the kids are thriving. Mothering a 13 year old girl-woman who's been raised by someone like me is . . . challenging. When she stands toe-to-toe and mirrors my stubbornness, self-authority and fearlessness I cannot help but back up two steps, appraise the situation and grin ear to ear in Pride. If my daughter, at 13 years old, can stand up to ME with such dignity, fearlessness and strength, well, the world just better watch out because Nobody is gonna stand in her way when she sets her mind to it! She is the epitomy of Strength, Beauty and Brilliance--this is her birthright and it is a priviledge to watch her step into it so fully at so young an age. It still cracks me up when she asks on occasion, "Mom, are you ever going to teach me Witchcraft? Why won't you teach me?" LOL. Been teaching her since she lay upon my breast still attached to me by her umblical cord. She is fierce. I am proud.
This has been the year to address my health. I am not exactly middle aged yet, but I could feel how my body was changing rapidly. I could foresee health issues and weakening in the coming years if I didn't get things in hand. I broke my foot last winter and was litterly off my feet for 12 weeks while it healed. I gained weight and lost muscle and strength. Then, I quit smoking (Seven solid months now!) and gained more weight. The scale was reading a number I hadn't seen since my second pregnancy. Not good. In September, I began swimming and walking and occassionally lifting tiny hand-weights. When I began, I could swim maybe 8 -12 lengths of the pool before being so exhausted I could barely climb out of the water. This week, I am swimming 100 laps (2.5 kilometers!) in under an hour and am invigorated rather than exhausted. I can walk as long and far as I choose, go up stairs without being winded and while I've been gaining muscle all these weeks, I am now finally starting to shed pounds.
I am seeking strength rather than thin, but would not complain at all if I lost the wieght I've gained in the last 13 months. I am off all stimulants (caffeine, HFCS), most white foods (sugar, flour, etc) and am really limiting animal proteins. It's all a mad experiment played out from curiosity and self-love rather than wierd self-punishing stuff. I prayed for health. I want it. I find my temperament is more even, my sleep is deliciously uninterrupted, my skin clearer. I am also quite proud of instituting these changes without being cajoled by doctors or self-appointed health experts.
Teaching and doing the work of the IP series I've been facilitating online has brought me face to face with some really embedded, long-standing personal stuph. This past summer, as I worked Self for seven solid weeks (!), was especially difficult as I was forced to confront some parts of me that weren't as careful, compassionate, kind or loving as I'd thought. It was Not Pretty. In fact, pulling out the tangled roots of it was excrutiating. I want to thank those of you who stood by me even while I was at my very Worst. You know who you are. I am grateful beyond measure to those that helped point these things out to me and those of you who stood and bore witness as I confronted the self-hating Life-killer within me.
A part of me was so very invested in sabotaging myself, my most important relationships, my career and any prospect of intimate love. I approached the demons with trepidation and excitement. Who might I be if I were able to free up the life force these patterns/demons required to feed themselves and thirve? What might life look like? What love might I be ready to receive?
Oh! I had no idea! I could not have begun to glimpse it! Even now as my un-self-sabotaged life begins to unfold before me, fully engaged with Sex, Passion, Pride and Power--the Pearl arises in me anew-- and the shape, texture, pattern and flavor of it is so incredibly rich, glorious and intense I find I am having to work very hard to expand to encompass and embody it. (Swimming helps. Sleeping at night helps. Talking with friends helps. Walking really fast helps. Dancing really hard helps.Sex helps)
I have been delightedly surprised by a love so unexpected and innocent I can scarce contain it. I have taken risks that seem outrageous and dangerous (ego says, "Be Careful!") that have proven that when we leap toward love, we cannot do it with only half our heart. I don't know what will become of this sweet, budding thing. I cannot control such outcomes. I can only keep stepping through the illusion of flaming hoops, terrifying heights and unknowable depths that Fear places in front of me. I can only keep reaching toward the possibility of this love. I never knew what a crazy romantic I was. I never knew a lot of things that have arisen as a result of meeting this person. I am really grateful that I have spent these years (at the much vocalized concern of many of my peers and acquaintances) clearing, cleansing, holding and Honoring the power of Sex rather than spending it for the sake of getting laid. This is the right way for me. I recall a teacher of mine saying again and again (because I needed to hear it again and again), "Do not cast Pearls before swine."
I'm holding this new, tender, vulnerable thing close. It is not Time to discuss it in forums such as this other than to say it is here and I am awed.
So, if you have made it this far, thanks for visiting! I appreciate your time. Now, I have all that other writing to attend to.
Whether you are here in the states or abroad, may you find much to give thanks for. May your life be a gorgeous Feast to behold and consume. May everything on your plate be what you have chosen of your own Free Will for your own Blessing.
Blessed Be in Love and in Power.