When will I learn?!?!?
Joe called me last night and told me he was mad at himself because he left his phone in his car for the entire weekend and figured I would be pissed at him. Well we talked for over an hour and then he said he would call me the next day. He never did. I called him and left a voicemail and then thought better about what i said and called him again. This time he actually answered. He was asleep already. Apparenlty he didn't feel good and he went to sleep right after dinner. I was upset because he said he would call me and then didn't. He told me I am just not on his mind because he forced me out of his head and hasn't thought about me for over 6 months now. Instead all he thinks about is work and what he has to get done for work. So I asked him if I would ever be the center of his world again, and he said that he didn't know. I asked him waht that meant, and he said again I am not sure if you will be. So I told him how could I become the center of his world again. Again he answered he didn't know. Then I called him out on the "I don't know" and said that basically means no. He said no it doesn't mean no. I told him that I just wanted him to be straight with me. No I don't know just a simple yes or no because I deserved to know the truth. He said it didn't mean no and that there was a possibility of something more. I feel he is just remembering all the bad instead of all the good. He claims I yelled at him "all the time" and initiated fights "all the time" which is partly true execpt I didn't do it all the time as he claimed. He also said that he never instigated, which actually is true. He held most of it in rather then telling me about it. Maybe this is also something I need to change. I was upset because he never told me this before. I asked him if there was still a chance for me and not to tell me yes just because he was being nice. He did tell me yes and he also mentioned it was not just to get off the phone with me either because he knew that would be the next question I would ask. He went on to say that maybe it would be a trigger like it was for me on my birthday. He didn't know what that trigger was or how long it would take until he reached the point that I had reached. He said that he wasn't sure how he would feel about me after sex...if it is just a lust thing or if it is also a love thing. But honestly that doesn't even make sense. How would sex make it a love thing? I suppose the closeness of the other person...the way he describes sex with me is looking me in the eyes and kissing me etc. I guess the only reason I am actually holding onto this thing with him is because of that vision I had. Maybe I should just abandon all of this for a while. I don't want to get hurt again, and it seems as though he doesn't want to be with me...he said not today and not tomorrow. It doesn't happen overnight...those were his words. I read what I am saying and my head tells me what a fool I am. My heart still feels as though there is a chance, but a slim one. Perhaps I will keep seeing Jeff. I haven't talked with him for a while now, but maybe dealing with all this shit with Joe is what I need to get a mental kick in the ass to get over him finally.