..its time to move on
its past midnight. im so angry inside, smiling to everyone else but him. i cant help but wander down the hall into the room where his tired, depressed body lies, and kick him. he pees me off so badly sometimes. he doesnt do as much as he could. i cant stop thinking, fuck, if he cared about my happiness and even sanity, he would go the extra mile to help me from drowing. everything seems so easy when your looking at something from a distance. but if you arent in someone elese shoes, how do you really know how they feel?
anger eats at my sense. i say things i dont necesarily mean, or, i dont mean it as exagerated as it comes out. im sorry. im so fucking sorry. im so sorry you hate your life. and im sorry that i hate mines too. we are so fucking different. we only share two things in commen. the kids and politicas. other than that, its a mutual moochie situation. he keeps me company, and visa versa, and we share bills, income, we share responsibilities, sometimes. we both only want, want, want for ourselves. but the difference i see, is that i get him whatever he wants. at least i fucking make an effort. fucking, fuckin, fvckn.
its so cold in here. its been so cold all damn day long. freezing office. i just want to wrap myself up in a blanket. i think ill steal my baby from his bed and cuddle him up, and fall asleep smelling his baby hair. i love my children so much. they just are growing so fast, i cant believe it. they come home each day knowing something new, trippin me out. aubrianna knows how to spell her name. i mean, shes only 3 and she has a looooong name. its so amazing! im so sleepy now, all of a sudden it just hit me like when the air meets your face after drinking a little too much. my eyes are burrning.i dread going to sleep on that damn blowup mattress, maybe ill find my way to the couch. but its so bright in here. i hope michael is okay. cant stop worrying about him. so many cops pulling people over. nazi cops, i hate them so much. i cant believe i took the exam, i could never be like one of them. let them brainwash me like the army. brainwashing, commensense stealing, manipulating fucking liars who do nothing but interrogate the wrong people. bitch asses. i haaaaaate you. i took out my extensions. i know he doesnt like it. but strangely, ive never felt so amazing. so light and free. and my hair smells goood again. and i cant stop playing with it, twirling it around my fingers. my eyelids are now falling quickly and i really must scoot off to bed.
i came here to write about mark. and my feelings about whats going on right now, but i got sidetracked with life.
here goes anyways,
ive been contemplating so much in my head, and outloud lately. a lot of things dont seem "in place", right. i just have a weird feeling inside of me, like something is going on. mark doesnt want to get married because:
he's too young
he doesnt want to get a divorce
he doesnt want to pay alimony
he doesnt want to pay child support
he doesnt believe in the ritual of marriage
he wants to wait until hes ready
he wants to be a bitch...
i dont understand, if you arent ready to get married, which is basically a committment and promise, a public/private ceremony of affection, a celebration amongst friends and family, then what meaning does a boyfriend girlfriend relationship have? i dont get it. isnt that a commitment? and act of love?
i love him. i sacrafice so much for him. i would do anything for him, and he knows this. and i know he loves me. he does alot for me too. but he could do more goddamn it.
im to tired to think. im going to bed
anger eats at my sense. i say things i dont necesarily mean, or, i dont mean it as exagerated as it comes out. im sorry. im so fucking sorry. im so sorry you hate your life. and im sorry that i hate mines too. we are so fucking different. we only share two things in commen. the kids and politicas. other than that, its a mutual moochie situation. he keeps me company, and visa versa, and we share bills, income, we share responsibilities, sometimes. we both only want, want, want for ourselves. but the difference i see, is that i get him whatever he wants. at least i fucking make an effort. fucking, fuckin, fvckn.
its so cold in here. its been so cold all damn day long. freezing office. i just want to wrap myself up in a blanket. i think ill steal my baby from his bed and cuddle him up, and fall asleep smelling his baby hair. i love my children so much. they just are growing so fast, i cant believe it. they come home each day knowing something new, trippin me out. aubrianna knows how to spell her name. i mean, shes only 3 and she has a looooong name. its so amazing! im so sleepy now, all of a sudden it just hit me like when the air meets your face after drinking a little too much. my eyes are burrning.i dread going to sleep on that damn blowup mattress, maybe ill find my way to the couch. but its so bright in here. i hope michael is okay. cant stop worrying about him. so many cops pulling people over. nazi cops, i hate them so much. i cant believe i took the exam, i could never be like one of them. let them brainwash me like the army. brainwashing, commensense stealing, manipulating fucking liars who do nothing but interrogate the wrong people. bitch asses. i haaaaaate you. i took out my extensions. i know he doesnt like it. but strangely, ive never felt so amazing. so light and free. and my hair smells goood again. and i cant stop playing with it, twirling it around my fingers. my eyelids are now falling quickly and i really must scoot off to bed.
i came here to write about mark. and my feelings about whats going on right now, but i got sidetracked with life.
here goes anyways,
ive been contemplating so much in my head, and outloud lately. a lot of things dont seem "in place", right. i just have a weird feeling inside of me, like something is going on. mark doesnt want to get married because:
he's too young
he doesnt want to get a divorce
he doesnt want to pay alimony
he doesnt want to pay child support
he doesnt believe in the ritual of marriage
he wants to wait until hes ready
he wants to be a bitch...
i dont understand, if you arent ready to get married, which is basically a committment and promise, a public/private ceremony of affection, a celebration amongst friends and family, then what meaning does a boyfriend girlfriend relationship have? i dont get it. isnt that a commitment? and act of love?
i love him. i sacrafice so much for him. i would do anything for him, and he knows this. and i know he loves me. he does alot for me too. but he could do more goddamn it.
im to tired to think. im going to bed