i hope that i'm around to watch them knock you down.
oh my god, i seriously just read the previous entry and it's fucking sickening. even when i was typing that bullshit, i knew what it was. BULLSHIT! it makes me cringe. anyway, 2 weeks later. what the fuck ever. it makes me sick because of all that hope and trust i tried to build in myself. all for what? to be screwed over again. that's the part that gets me the most, how much i TRIED. and at the end how i said WE make it through anything? oh hell no. it was him messing up, me telling him how to fix it and him making a weak attempt to and then me accepting it. what the fuck. it makes me siiiick! i just want to remind myself that everytime i think i miss him about how i felt that night he went to louisville. or the night he went to the movies with them. or how embarresed i was sitting at the football game by myself. OR! how i felt when he told me i made him look bad or yes, even when he didn't come to the movies. how i had to spend every fucking second putting all my effort into trusting him when i got nothing in return. how i was the girl that stayed up waiting for him to call or stayed up with him, how i was THE ONLY PERSON THAT FUCKING CARED and he still did this shit to me. that's what hurts the most. that i was practice. i was practice while he tried to become a better person. and all the negative aspects got dumped on me. soon i'll see that he's just a stupid boy. no one special and no one different. all that was different about him was in my head. how if he had really "loved" me, he wouldn't have done any of that. andy kaiser doesn't know love. overall, what makes me the most upset is how much time i wasted. how for so long i was that blind, naive girl that thought everything was okay. and how long i ignored my gut for. i knew he was bound to screw up and hurt me, like he did time and time again, but i kept letting it slide. why? i don't even know. at the time i knew i was being naive, but i kept going. that's what bothers me. how much time i wasted waiting around for him. how i thought i saw such a different side of him, when really he's like the rest of them. he is no different, there is no more depth and feeling to him than anyone else. of course, there are bad nights when i miss him. but those are slowly going away. because what takes their place is how much i cried over him. what kills me is how he changed. but i changed too. i was ready for a mature relationship and he wasn't. he was still a boy. and still is. he didn't know how to treat me. and pretty soon i'll be okay with the fact that he'll soon be treating another girl like that. but right now, i still get fucking sick to my stomach. but irma THINK! THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING HE PUT YOU THROUGH! you have nothing to miss but pain. yeah, you had some good times but pretty soon they were overshadowed by his bullshit. and you know what? you'll have other good times, you are only sixteen. there WILL be other boys that CAN and will treat you better. have fun and don't waste time thinking about him. he's going nowhere in life. you're not spending the rest of your life with him so why waste even MORE time? seriously, you don't want to regret this too. you don't want to look back and say you wasted too much time getting OVER him, like you did staying with him. so, smile girl, you're too pretty to be moping. you're sixteen and pretty, he's an asshole and you'll move on.
own it bitchhh.
own it bitchhh.