Pulsatilla | Chapter 11/?

[love_cassiopeia]

Pulsatilla
Author: love_cassiopeia
Summary: A complete mess was what Jung Yunho became after his beloved wife’s death. Trapped in a permanent state of isolation and loneliness, Yunho summons his knowledge on biology in hopes of recreating his wife in the form of an artificial human. However, the experiment goes terribly wrong and instead creates a male who has all his wife’s looks and qualities, one who he eventually decides to name ‘Jaejoong.’ Coping with the idyllic memories Jaejoong brings back of his wife, Yunho tries his best not to fall in love with his creation, knowing that the love he brings along is not the real thing-or is it?
Rated: PG-13 - NC-17
Warning(s): NC-17 material, language
Genre: Romance/Angst
Pairing(s): YunJae
Chapter 11: Mensonge

Definition: The Pulsatilla is a deciduous perennial flower native to Europe and Asia that grows in the leftover nutrients of a dead plant. It is usually grown to replace another plant. It is capable of curing diseases and may be used in remedies.





m e n s o n g e

*

His midnight-coloured hair was tainted with rain, the crystal droplets falling over his bright, porcelain face, almost embellishing it with diamonds-not that he needed any. Although the rain was soaking his entire body and clothes, there was a certain vivacity differentiating him from the rest of the street dwellers. Within the rainy evening, amongst the continuous rainfall, he stood out against the dark city background, proving the rain unsuccessful as it anticipated on stealing all of his splendour.

The Pulsatilla… it shone as the brightest flower in the garden.

Despite his ethereal outer appearance, the Pulsatilla did not feel nearly as splendid as he looked. Seeing his lover mercilessly crush his heart by leaving the house abruptly to embark on a blind date was more intolerable than he initially expected it to be. He wanted to tell himself that the love Yunho shared with him during the past few months was real, but considering he had just recognized a clear contradiction of that earlier tonight, Jaejoong became sceptical of Yunho’s emotions for the first time in his entire life. He hated the uncertainty-he hated it dearly. No matter how hard he tried, he just wasn’t able to put his finger on something concrete, and therefore couldn’t steer his feelings in a particular direction.

He didn’t know what to feel.

The first time he had made his appearance before Yunho, he knew the scientist had had the same uncertainty boiling within him. Yunho had doubted-multiple amounts of times-whether Jaejoong would live up to the image of his wife or not. Yunho once told him that he would have no capability of replacing his wife; that no one would have the gumption to withstand the position Seulki once held in his heart. If that was the case, why was Yunho hunting for a new love? If Seulki meant the world to Yunho and no one could come close to replacing her, why was he associating himself with someone that looked and acted nothing like her instead of staying home, right where he belonged with the creation he had moulded to replicate her?

That was just it. In the end, he was nothing but a creation, a doll crafted solely for Yunho’s pleasure. The lone purpose he had in the corrupted world was to please Yunho; to be used by Yunho. It didn’t necessarily ring loud and clear in his mind that he had to take a liking to Yunho, and ultimately, fall in love with Yunho.

But didn’t he do everything he did for Yunho because he loved him? If there was no love in the beginning, would Yunho be where was currently? If there was no love in his heart, would he actually coerce himself into cooking and cleaning for Yunho? He wanted to tell himself that he wasn’t just an empty doll, working like a robot to complete every task without any complaints. But in the end, perhaps that was all he really was.

The endless trail of kisses and nights screaming with passion which they spent together was another factor to the confusion Jaejoong felt ringing inside him. He knew for a fact that Yunho longed for him-but in the end, was it only to fulfil his own guilty pleasures? He understood that perhaps half of it was true, but due to what he felt and how sparks were ignited every time they made love, Jaejoong wanted to tell himself that a part of it was pure, unsoiled, genuine love.

He felt exceptionally unfortunate being who he was. He hated his skin, his artificial heart, and his mind that was created to work exactly like Seulki’s. If he was human but possessed different qualities, perhaps the person Yunho was sitting and laughing with would be him.

He had no intention to go home tonight, for he had no idea what to say to Yunho after the mortifying occurrence. But in the end, he had nowhere else to go, so he let his lethargic footsteps lead him slowly back to the apartment complex where their commodious penthouse was located.

Soaked from the rain, Jaejoong supposed he would be overjoyed to return to the warm, dry apartment. However, as he arrived in the empty space, reeking with loneliness, he was forced to refill his mind with the excruciating feeling of being left alone-ignored, abandoned. It wasn’t the first time the particular emotion arose, in fact, he was quite familiar with the sensation, considering everyday, while Yunho was at work, he was enforced to make use of the empty apartment on his own. Never before though, had he felt as useless as he did now. He had nothing to cook, since Yunho had already eaten at the café. He had no cleaning to do, since the house was perfectly furnished and dusted from head to toe. Every regular housewife would’ve been pleased by the sight and seized the opportunity to spend time for themselves. But then again, Jaejoong wasn’t really an ‘actual’ housewife, was he? Having nothing to do made him as frightened as a small child, and he deeply wished he had a pile of chores to do instead of remaining stationary, having not a single opportunity to prove himself useful.

All he had to do now was to wait for Yunho to return.

And while he was at it, he might as well figure out what to say to him after he returned.

Once again, Jaejoong found himself stuck at a crossroad with multiple directions to go and no clear indication. If he really was to confront Yunho about the date, Yunho would accuse him of following him, and eventually, the blame would find its way over to his shoulders. Keeping it bottled up inside him was not an exceptionally better alternative either. With the jealousy and suspicion still running rampant throughout him, he would constantly find himself doubting Yunho’s emotions and therefore lead to trust issues between the two of them. If he really wanted to love Yunho honestly and strengthen this fragile relationship of theirs, he could not bear to hold a secret grudge against him that would tear the two of them further and further apart. Keeping the problem unsolved would only lead to more complications later on, Jaejoong remind himself.

With all the consequences evident, he decided to choose a particular direction to go within the puzzling crossroad. He didn’t know whether the road would lead to any unwanted arguments, but he hoped with all his heart that it would at least lead him to a solution.

Now, the question was, was the solution going to tear the two of them further apart, or was it going to bring them closer together, eradicating all of the obstacles they had once chosen to ignore?



Feeling tremendously confident after rejecting the woman who had nothing to offer him, Yunho strolled the streets of Seoul joyfully, feeling at the top of his game despite the gloomy weather. There was not a single grain of uncertainty that proved itself worthy of doing any damage to him-a surprise, since the last few months with Jaejoong was deluged in uncertainty. Realizing that the usual urbane women of Seoul were selfish and arrogant, Yunho decided not to choose the epitome and instead, chose the black sheep. Out of all the uncertainties he harboured towards Jaejoong in the beginning, he felt that none was evident now. After discovering how fortunate he was to be in love with such a kind-hearted person, he didn’t give a damn about whether Jaejoong was human or not. Loving Jaejoong proved love could exist between people standing on completely opposite sides of the spectrum, and he felt proud, being able to conquer such a complicated obstacle society provided for him.

Yunho was delighted to see his apartment complex in his view, drenched in the never-fading lustre of the rainfall. He sought to leave all his troubles behind him in hopes of going home and resting for the night. He would promise himself never to go on a blind date ever again, putting his heart out onto the market where nearly anyone could snatch it from. How foolish it was of him, actually agreeing to Yoochun’s request to come reacquaint with him, when in reality, he had to sit through a woman’s monologues which seemed to last hours.

He already had everything he wanted and more in his penthouse, waiting for him like Seulki once did and accompanying him through life while battling the hindrances that it spontaneously brought along. Now why on earth would he leave something like that for someone so average and typical like Goh Ara?

A wide smile remained invulnerable on Yunho’s lips as he headed into the apartment complex, trying to dry himself up. He headed up the elevator contentedly, hoping he would be able to ask Jaejoong for another meal since he had not eaten one single morsel at the café. He grinned when he reminded himself that Jaejoong would most definitely cook for him without a single request. Yunho didn’t need to hope, he could expect.

It was incredibly rare for him, acting so utterly cheerful as he exited the elevator. He felt as if he was a small child who just received his first A in what seems like years and was now being awarded with heaps of sweets. It was strange indeed, mostly because Yunho never really had the opportunity to act like a child since he became an adult and took on crucial responsibilities. And no, it really didn’t feel so shabby, once again experiencing the mirth that resonated from his once-forgotten childhood. For the first time in what seems like ages, Yunho realized that perhaps life really was worth living.

Life couldn’t possibly get better than this, he continuously told himself as he unlocked the door to the extensive penthouse, hoping to see Jaejoong’s usual smiling face behind it.

As he finally pushed the door aside and brought the beautiful Jaejoong to a feasible view, he was flabbergasted to find him sitting on the sofa, looking up at him with eyes so cold that they could've easily brought snowfalls to the whole city. The body didn’t have a smile on his face, nor did he have a frown. It was his bitter eyes that said everything, telling Yunho that clearly something was making him exceedingly upset.

“Where the hell have you been?”

Yunho felt a chill run down his spine as the six words were quickly pronounced. The tone in Jaejoong’s voice was low, mysterious, and unexplainable to the ears. The scientist had never once in his entire life heard Jaejoong speak so irritably, almost as if he was ready to kill the very next person who would make him feel out of place. The usual melodic, honey-like voice of his was replaced by a livid monotone-one which Yunho would rather not listen to. It didn’t need a rocket scientist’s knowledge to figure out that Jaejoong was in a state of extreme anger. Every antic he displayed at the moment had the word ‘aggravation’ written all over it.

Yunho was afraid to speak at first but chose to tell Jaejoong what he had been telling him all night. “I was meeting with an old friend, Park Yoochun. I told you before, remember?” Yunho added, trying to clear things up.

“Now, is that Park Yoochun a male or a female?”

The scientist felt as if Jaejoong was a police officer with psychological skills, trying to probe through his mind with a stick. “He’s male.” Yunho admitted, thinking no harm would come from his words. “Why do you need to know?”

Yunho could infer from Jaejoong’s sudden change in expression that no, he wasn’t nearly as happy as he himself was. “Liar!” He cried out, wrecking the pristine silence that flooded the room primarily. “You were out with a woman! Don’t you try to hide it!”

Yunho lifted an eyebrow. “How the hell did you know?”

“Oh Yunho, why did you have to lie to me?” Jaejoong questioned morosely. “If you already had someone in mind-someone to love-why did you have to love me?”

“Jaejoong, I don’t love her!”

“Well, she obviously loves you!” Jaejoong declared, raising his usual sweet and sugary voice to a infrequent, eccentric level. “By the way she flirted with you, or should I say, touched you, it looked as if the two of you were on your way to the wedding chapel!”

“That’s not how it is, Jaejoong!” Yunho bellowed in response, frustrated that his exuberant delight earlier could be contaminated so quickly. Just who did Jaejoong think he was, starting such a heated argument right when he calmly walked through the door? For goodness sake, he had not even taken a seat yet!

Yunho looked to Jaejoong dubiously and narrowed his eyes. “W-wait… you-how did you know all this?”

The raging fire in Jaejoong’s eyes looked like it had slightly died down, revealing an innocent bewilderment lost within them. “I-I…”

“You followed me, didn’t you?” Yunho accused, finally feeling the thrilling sensation he was bestowed with earlier dwindling away into nearly nothing. “You followed me to the restaurant and then you spied on me, trying to dig up information that was really none of your business!”

“None of my business? I think it’s my obligation as your little ‘wife’ to discover if you’re out there, having affairs with other women or not!” Jaejoong declared between breaths. “What if I lied to you, went out, and found myself a second lover? How would you feel?”

“For the last time Jaejoong, she isn’t my lover!” Yunho denied, walking into the living room area so his words would make Jaejoong’s ears sting peculiarly. “And even if she is, that doesn’t give you a right to follow me on my personal businesses!” Yunho couldn’t believe the ridiculous circumstances he was in. This was so utterly unlike Jaejoong to doubt whether he was being serious or not. The Jaejoong who was naïve and clumsy in the beginning was becoming more human each day, having objections to every single little thing and plotting things behind his back. He didn’t want to admit it, but living in the human world was corrupting Jaejoong’s pure soul inch by inch.

“I want you to tell me the truth.” Jaejoong demanded. “I want you to tell me why she’s even here when already, you have me.” And once again, Jaejoong ignored Yunho’s words entirely, creating his own farcical assumptions.

“Well, I will tell you if you’d only listen!” Yunho rolled his eyes, sighing. “I know I told you I was meeting an old friend of mine, but things turned out differently from what I originally expected. The truth is, I did meet with one of my old college friends, Park Yoochun. What I didn’t necessarily favour was him bringing a woman whom he planned to introduce to me, since he sympathized for the passing of my wife and wanted me to find a new suitor. The woman I was eating with was the blind date he set me up with. The two of us have never met before or talked before, and we never will, ever again.” Yunho claimed.

Jaejoong stood up from his perch on the sofa so that his eyesight was nearly parallel to his creator’s. “Oh yeah? Well, why couldn’t you just say no? Why couldn’t you spurn Park Yoochun’s offer and tell him that you already have me?” He wanted to prevent the tears from leaking, but his frustration was at too high of a level to contain them. “Why can’t you just have me and be proud of it?”

“Look Jaejoong, it’s not that simple!” Yunho counterattacked. “If I told Yoochun about the two of us, he would most definitely ask question after question about you, and eventually want to see you!”

“Well, what is so bad about seeing me, anyways?” The raven-haired boy whose fair face was tainted with anger replied. “What’s so damn different about me? Tell me!”

“You’re not human, Jaejoong. If people were to find out about you, they would take you away and run tests on you!”

“Then why don’t you let them?” The tears appeared to have a mind of its own as they sprang from the shorter mans’ marble eyes. “You made a new discovery, Yunho! Why don’t you just sell me to the government and get paid millions?”

Anger was too much of an understatement to explain the onerous emotions which were bottled up inside Yunho. He couldn’t believe what was escaping Jaejoong’s lips at the moment, for it was just too bitter and harsh to listen to. It was almost as if the boy had wanted to be disowned, to be abandoned, to be left alone.

“How can you accuse me of wanting to do such a disgusting thing?” Yunho questioned, his aggravation at a maximum. “You’re mine, Jaejoong! You’re here because I created you for me! If I was to lose you, I would be losing everything I’ve ever wanted!”

Jaejoong shook his head, trying to wipe his tears away. “No Yunho, you don’t need me. You only want me because I make you feel like you’re on cloud nine. You only want me because now, you have someone to accompany you in bed and someone who will do the cooking and cleaning for you without complaint. You only want me because I’m the replacement of your damn wife, who is gone forever now, Yunho-forever. The only reason why I’m here is to provide you with the sensation that perhaps she really isn’t gone after all, and that you can spend time with me to remind yourself of the times you spent with her. But face it Yunho, I’m not her! Seulki has forever vanished from this world, and no matter how hard I try, I will never be her!”

Hearing each and every one of Jaejoong’s pungent, merciless words that turned themselves into blades was making Yunho’s heart shatter, proving it vulnerable against the mighty army of words. There was nothing he could do to correspond Jaejoong’s bitter words with his own, for every statement was a hundred percent factual. All this time, he had been lying to himself, thinking that he had somehow found Seulki within Jaejoong. But no, that was utter nonsense now. The resurrection of a human being was impossible scientifically and spiritually, and Yunho felt ridiculous, thinking that he could somehow retrieve the woman he loved from what seemed like eras back from the dead. He was right in the beginning-Jaejoong was nothing but a monster.

“At least Seulki was human!” Yunho shouted where there wasn’t a single logical sentence left to say. “At least she had real human qualities that proved almighty time after time!”

What, so now I’m not nearly as valuable to be labelled ‘human?’” Jaejoong scoffed, thinking laughter would repudiate the tears. “Even though I do what humans do-live, love, eat, cook-I’m still not worth what a human is worth?”

Yunho nodded. “That’s what I believe, and you said it yourself-you’re not capable of replacing my wife.” Yunho was unafraid to toss out such insensitive words, for he knew that the two of them were not going to get any further, living the way they were living now. “For goodness sake Jaejoong, your skills, your personality-it’s not even yours!”

“Then whose personality is it? I live in the human world, Yunho, I have a choice to act the way I act and to avert from the things I dislike. I had a choice whether to act like this or not, and I did!’ Jaejoong felt himself feeling more faint-headed by each word he said. “If those qualities aren’t mine, then no, I’m not yours anymore.”

Once again, a deafening silence spread across the room, proving them helpless as the argument sank deeply into their minds. Yunho had no intention to let go of the tight grasp he had on Jaejoong, but considering he was asking for freedom himself and pleading to be left alone, Yunho couldn’t help but grant the boy what he wanted. The relationship they had carelessly created was futile from the very start, but it was only now that the scientist realised such a fact and decided to make a decision upon it.

“What’s so great about having you, anyway?” Yunho asked coldly, summoning up all his hatred to fuel his words. “You think you’re so special to me just because you resemble my wife. But no, you’re wrong.” Yunho didn’t have to energy to think before he rashly spoke “You’re not human, Jaejoong, even though you strive to become like one by living in this human world. You’re… not real.”

Jaejoong shook his head dismally. “I am real. I’m standing here before you talking to you! I am worthy of living this life, considering I contributed hours to your life!”

“But there are countless things you can’t do, Jaejoong! You can’t give birth, you can’t age, and you honestly can’t live life how every other human lives it!” Yunho cried out, still trying to untangle the dilemma with his hasty words. “The woman I met tonight… although she might not have the qualities I want in a woman… but at least she can give birth and bestow me with children! Don’t think you’re so splendid in my eyes just because you have the same qualities as Seulki, Jaejoong!”

Jaejoong snorted sardonically. “Oh I see, so this is all about carrying on a generation and giving birth.” He accused. “Life is just all about reproduction and family and laws that should never be broken. Life is not about creating something new and loving it because it is too strange and disgusting to society, is that what it is?”

“Well, that’s just the way the world works, like it or not! If I was able to change it, believe me, I would!” The scientist declared raucously.

“Would you really?” Jaejoong crossed his arms together and stepped back in incredulity. “Because from what I see, you seem pretty pleased with society now considering you just stated a thousand positives about your blind date and a thousand negative things about me.”

“Jaejoong, you have to understand this! What you can offer me is only a fraction of what I need.”

“You hypocrite!” Jaejoong yelled out at the top of his lungs, not minding what his voice was doing to Yunho’s eardrums. “You told me once before that you were thankful-that I did too much to the point that you wanted to assist me! And now you’re saying I do too little?”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that-”

“Yunho, tell me the truth. I’m not enough for you, am I?” Jaejoong sorrowfully stated, demanding an answer in return. “You’re way too good for me, and you need a lot more than what I’m offering you currently.” He let the tears fall, not afraid to reveal them any longer. “It’s all my fault in the end… I didn’t do nearly enough.

Seeing tear after tear escape Jaejoong’s glassy eyes, a part of Yunho strived to wipe them off; to re-establish the emotion of happiness within Jaejoong. Discovering that the two of them were nearly archenemies now however, Yunho had no intention of falling aback into the abyss of lies he had been caged in for the previous few months. A part of him told himself once before that there was something so ephemeral about their relationship, and that it would never withstand and the most brutal difficulties. He had refused to listen to that part of his mind back then, but now realized everything it was telling him was the solid truth.

“Jaejoong, you’re everything I want. But at the same time, everything that I want to get rid of.”

The simple words that strolled from Yunho’s lips were so effortlessly-stated and yet so bitter to the ears. They had triggered something deep down within Jaejoong, allowing a new emotion he had never felt before to arise. For the first time in his very life, the Pulsatilla learned what the emotion ‘anger’ felt like.

The feeling was unlike any other, for one, it stung a lot more. It felt as if something was rattling deeply inside him, making every inch of his body fiery and unmanageable. It was one of the strongest, most evident emotions he had felt all his life. And he predicted, just for a second, that the anger had the power to kill off every single other emotion that had once thrived within him.

Anger had the power to kill off happiness, yet it also had the power to accentuate negative emotions such as loneliness, uncertainly, and jealousy.

Jaejoong hated this anger with his entire soul, but couldn’t help but fall into its hands as his heart became completely stained by Yunho’s never-ending sour insults. Anger was not something anyone could bring upon themselves so easily. One had to hit a particular trigger to make the threatening bomb of anger go off.

Completely controlled by his anger, Jaejoong’s feet began to deviate themselves from Yunho, moving at an ungodly pace as he planned to escape. He could stand it no longer in this stuffy room, hearing their voices bounce off the walls as loudly as the thunder outside. He needed to escape from all this, and convince himself that none of this ever happened.

Turning the doorknob swiftly, Jaejoong exited the penthouse and rushed down the stairs in what seemed like the speed of light. He didn’t choose to take the elevator because heck, he was too blinded by his tears to notice such a convenient form of transportation. He could hear Yunho calling after him, advocating him to return. He stubbornly ignored it, knowing there was nothing Yunho could offer him but a fake, artificial love that wore away as soon as reality made its devastating appearance. He didn’t have anything to do here anymore. Without Yunho’s love powering his daily actions, Jaejoong might as well be labelled ‘useless.’

Although most of him was dominated by anger, Jaejoong asked himself whether or not he was doing the right thing, running away like a coward. By doing this, he was abandoning everything he held dear to him and dropping it only because he was too weak to face the consequences it brought along. By doing this, all the blissful memories would be forgotten, leaving Jaejoong with only the empty shell he started out with once again.

But he didn’t bother to care any less. He knew that sooner or later, the conflict would arise, wreaking havoc in the pool of beautiful lies they had lived through.

It had been mere moments of running down the stairs when he reached the lobby. He headed out into the rainy streets recklessly, staring up into the rain, hoping it would wash his face clean of tears. But no, the rain did nothing to help. Even if the tears were gone, he would continue hurting eternally inside, having no way to stop them unless he severed himself from this life.

Slowly, he began to remember the dream-or rather, the nightmare-he had a few weeks ago, discovering that this was the exact same scenario seen within it.

And just like Seulki, Jaejoong tangled himself into the same fate, making the same mistakes and running down the same flight of stairs in the same speed. Such a thing was highly unavoidable.

He ran as fast as he could within the slippery sidewalks for what seemed like hours before he was stopped by two elderly, urbane men in business suits. The two didn’t look friendly at all, staring enigmatically out onto the rainy streets. But there was certain spark in their eyes that informed Jaejoong they wanted something from him.

“I’m Kang HyeSung and this is Shin SangHyuk, both part of the Seoul’s Lab for Biology and Research.” One of the men introduced in a serious tone. “We’d like you to come with us please, Jaejoong.”



I think I owe everyone an apology for being on hiatus for three entire weeks. I know I stated in one of my older entries that I would get back into the routine of updating weekly, and I’m incredibly sorry for breaking that promise. I’ve been having a bit of trouble with writing nowadays, the words just don’t seem to flow as well as they used anymore…

I hope that, despite my slow updating, that you’ll still be able to stay with me.

-Cindy

R é s u l t a t |  A l i é n é |  D é s o l é |  B a i g n o i r e | M u s i q u e | N o c t u r n e  1 | N o c t u r n e  2 | J a l o u x | P e s a n t e u r  1 | P e s a n t e u r  2 | r ê v e | S o u p ç o n n e u x | M e n s o n g e


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