Jaejoong's Lyric | Verse 20/26: love

love_cassiopeia

Jaejoong's Lyric | Verse 20/26

Sep 27, 2008 18:00

Jaejoong's Lyric
Author: love_cassiopeia
Summary: Jaejoong - a poor yet talented musician with an impossible dream. Yunho - An SM producer who could make Jaejoong’s unreal dream come true. They needed each other to succeed, and they were delighted they had met that magical day. But, will love get in the way of dreams? Will the two be captured by love rather than work? Only his song will tell.
Rated: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don’t own the five members, I’m simply borrowing them.
Warnings: Yaoi/slash, language, some angst
Genre: Romance/Angst
Pairings: YunJae | YunChun (2U/To-You)
Verse 20: Forget

I'm terribly sorry for the late update. I know I told you guys that I would be updating soon, but after all the shit that's happened these weeks, I just couldn't.

I'll make up to you with a long chapter, ne? ^^

Verse 20: Forget

If you desired to avoid him after everything that happened, why were you so impatient to see him now? You were attracted to him like a magnet, and you couldn’t stop yourself, no matter hard you tried. Speeding up your pace, you transform your leisure walking into an enthusiastic run. You just need to see him-one last time before everything comes to an end.

You remember your rapid run last night; when you cowardly left the YG dinner to run away from your countless fears. All this time, you were fervently running away from Yunho, and now, you desired nothing but to return back to him. You want to call yourself a hypocrite for doing all this, except you can’t. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t call yourself a freak for following your instincts.

Hesitant, you slow your reckless running down into a walk. It was true that you were excessively tired to run (you didn’t receive a drop of sleep last night), but a part of you was also afraid to see him in such a hurry. If you come in contact with him once again, everything will end. And yet, a part of you still wants to hang on, no matter how painful it would be.

You shake your head, attempting to drive the abundant amount of unnecessary thoughts out of your corrupted mind. You need to let him go-you know all that-so why were you so hesitant to do it? If you wait one second longer, then your wounds will sink in deeper, and eventually, they will start to affect your whole life.

So you have to do what has to be done: to sever all bonds with him, to never speak to him ever again. No matter how much you love him, you need to sacrifice your emotions for him, only then would you have back your dignity.

Taking a deep breath, you enter the small restaurant cautiously, yearning to run away from it as soon as you stepped inside. But you can’t-not when you’re weak and wounded and when you don’t have the strength to fight anymore.

The miniature restaurant was decorated head to toe with plants and flowers of numerous varieties. The sunshine shone through the many windows, sinking into the flowers and making their colours shine vibrantly. You could smell the salty air of the ocean, the sensation dry as it hits the back of your throat. However, you aren’t here to enjoy the scenery. What you were about to do was far worse than a simple lunch at seaside restaurant.

It isn’t long before you recognize him, perched in a two-person table beside a beautiful glass window. He looks so masculine there sitting in the sunlight-his brunette hair melted into his peachy skin. You wanted to call him yours, but could you?

A fake smile lights up on his face as you approach him, carrying nothing more than a mere poker face. You pull out the chair across from him, sitting in it while you stare blankly down at the two cups of coffee before you.

You remembered the first time you had coffee with him-you with your frosted mocha, and him with his green tea. You remembered every detail of that event, its presence never attempting to leave your mind. After all, it was the day when you received your record deal. And yet, it was also the day when you fell deeply in love with him.

But now, as you sat there with him, you tried your best to avoid the coffee placed in front of you. When you accepted his coffee that day, you were also accepting him. And when you reject his coffee today, you will also be rejecting him.

It was amazing how a cup of coffee could change everything.

He let moments of silence stretch between the two of you, neither of you attempting to break it. It was like you were meeting him for the first time, only it was worse. Far worse.

You knew the stranger in front of you too well.

Unexpectedly, the handsome man before you forcefully places your hand in his, holding it tightly as he stares up into your eyes. “Jaejoong.” He begins, silently at first. “I didn’t mean to hurt you that night. I know it was a complete mistake for me to show you such a thing on your birthday… but it wasn’t intentional. Not at all.” He pauses to take a breath. “Jaejoong, I need you here.”

You felt as if you were going to fall out of your chair and laugh. A part of you wants to punch him in the face and tear him apart, while the other part wants to embrace him tightly, telling him that everything was going to be okay. You want to call him yours so badly; and yet you can’t-at least not now when every drop of your love is gone. Your body needs his embrace, while your mind wants him out of your life.

“Jaejoong?” He remarks gently as he sees tiny droplets of tears appear on your blank face. You’re not crying because your weak, but because of the jumbled knot of thoughts that remained in your head. Your heart is filled with confusion, unable to comprehend any emotion your mind creates.

“Jae…I’m so sorry.” The grasp on your hand becomes tighter, the warmth bringing needles to your skin. And still, you refuse to say another word, afraid that it will backfire towards you. You’re afraid to put a smile, thinking that your tears will fight away every trace of it. You’re afraid to look up in his eyes, frightened that you will fall in love with him once again.

But aren’t you already in love with him?

“I’m so confused…” You remark jadedly after a long silence. “Everything you’ve done… it’s made me so puzzled.”

This time, he hangs his head, removing his warm hands apart from your frozen fingers. For a second there, you almost felt a little disappointed-and angry, maybe.

He forces you to look up at him, his actions vigorous and unable to avoid. But you don't; not when you're tired, sick, and most of all, betrayed.

However, his touch left on your fingers signals you back into his irresistible presence. You hate him for making you commit to such a reckless action, but in the end, you knew you had no reason to resist the sugary love that lay out before you. So you look up at him, into his ebony pupils. For the first time in weeks, you were lost once again in his chocolate-brown eyes.

He flashes you a weak smile, glad you found the energy to fall for his spell.

Whatever, you want to say.

"Jaejoong... just let me explain everything." He tells you, the volume in his voice becoming higher. "You need to know this to fully understand the reasons for my actions last night."

You nod, not knowing how to reply him.

Without hesitation, he tells you. He tells you everything-from how he and Yoochun first parted, to the point when he realized he couldn't live on without him. The gravity in his voice made everything sound genuine and authentic; it was as if a real movie was playing before you. But inside, your blood boiled, not wanting to hear any more of his words. You didn't want the story repeated, not when you knew every single detail and has replayed every aspect inside your head.

"STOP!" You finally say, after he describes Yoochun's burning passion for music. "Just stop, Yunho. I've known every detail! Just...!"

A curious expression lights up on his face. "Really?" He asks, more worried than he was astonished.

"YES!" You exhale, ejecting the movie out of your system. "I've heard everything, Yunho! From the day you met Yoochun to the day the two of you parted. As much as it means for you to let me hear it again, I just can't. Changmin told me once, and I don't need to be told again!"

He's silent now, ushering his eye contact with you down into his bitter-sweet cup of coffee. "Changmin told you?" He asks, the string of words more of a statement than a question.

"What, you think it's a crime for him to be telling me such things?"

He shakes his head. "No, it's just that-"

"That you didn't know I could be so smart? That I would eventually find out?" You exhale, trying to calm down every inch of anger that was boiling inside you "Well, Yunho, I did. And I wish I didn't."

No matter how cold your words were, Yunho stayed calm, keeping his anger under control. He takes a sip from his large cup of coffee, surprised you weren't touching yours. He sighs, and revives his burning eye-contact with you.

"So, tell me why you're not wearing my necklace."

His eyes widen at your question as his hands find their way to his slender neckline. "I..." He exhales, his face filled with guilt. "I must've lost it at the hotel..." He answers incautiously.

"The hotel?" You lift an eyebrow as you ask.

"The hotel where...Yoochun and I went." He confesses, finally.

You roll your eyes, leaning back on your chair idly as you stared at him blankly. How were you supposed forgive him? Just how? Yoochun was Yunho's first love. He would continuously keep running back into his arms when you weren't around. So why bother? Why stick around when you can end this all?

"Yunho... I'm..."

"I know, Jaejoong." He remarks powerfully yet gently. "I've moved on from Yoochun years ago. He's not the one I've wanted all these years. In the end, it was you who helped me make my way around life." He holds your hand in his once again, scheming to pull you back into his devious spell. "I was confused that night. I didn't know what to do... so I acted according to my instincts. And at that time, my instincts were falling for Yoochun." He explains. "Jaejoong... you need to understand this! You and Yoochun-you're both amazing people. You're so different yet so similar; I wouldn’t know how life would be without either of you." He doesn't look away, even though you wished he would.

Lies, they were all lies. He doesn't need you or your necklace. Not when has Yoochun to play around with.

"But I don't understand." You sigh. "I don't understand how you can love two people at one time and call it love!"

He frowns up at you. "Love is confusing, isn't it?" He asks. "But you have to understand me, I love you, Jaejoong."

He has just about pushed you to your limit. "No you don't!" You scream out, unaware of the curious witnesses surrounding you. "Is love secretly sleeping with another man behind your back? Is love letting your lover decade by himself in an empty recording studio, while you're playing with around with someone from your past? Is love breaking promises? No, I don't think so. If that is your concept of love, then I don't even know what hate is anymore."

He's not angry-you don't expect him to be-just frustrated that he has finally been denied.

"When do you ever think, Jaejoong?" He asks. "Everything happened to fit in so horribly together in this puzzle. I didn't intentionally mean to hurt you, not now-not ever! I just need you to understand everything, and yet after all this time, you won't!"

So now he's blaming everything on you. What a bastard. You don't need to understand, and he doesn't need to either. People will always despise the things they don't understand, and it will never change.

"You know it's your fault, Yunho." You accuse. "But you just won't admit it-no matter how hard you try. You liked it, didn't you? The feeling of being caught between two lovers? In fact, you loved it! Why wouldn’t you, Yunho? Why wouldn't anyone? Why wouldn't you just eat the savory forbidden fruit that the serpent brought upon you?"

He carries worry on his visage as you pull your hand way from him-for the second time. "Jae... I'm sorry." He apologizes.

You stand up out of your chair, preparing yourself to leave. "Sorry?" You ask, a fake smile upon your lips. "Sorry doesn't count, not when you've toyed around with my emotions-along with Yoochun's-until you became completely bored with us. I don't want to shed another tear for you... it's too ridiculous. I just need to leave you."

"But Jae-"

"Consider this as a farewell gift." You reach up to your neckline and roughly rip off the delicate cross necklace apart from its peaceful resting place. You slam it down onto the wooden table before you deviate yourself from the table and out the glass doors.

... and out of hell, out of love, out of all this.

You can hear him calling after you, but you don't attempt to acknowledge him. This is what you need to do to survive, no matter how much it hurts.

As you walked out of that restaurant step by step, you couldn't help but feel iron strong once again. It was about time.

***

2 months later…

***

Incheon, March

12:30 PM

It was as you expected: you were making no progress without him. There was no reason to live anymore; not for love, not for money, and certainly not for music. Inside, you knew the melody has long disappeared from your life, and all you were left with was an empty harmony with no direction to go. But you kept going to work, even though you knew it was useless to do so.

Maybe it was because work occupied you, and kept you away from your frequent amount of incoherent thoughts. Maybe work was a drug that kept you numb for a second until it wore off and brought you back to your appalling nightmare. There were thousands of possibilities, so you kept on going, no matter how frustrated or tired you were.

Yoochun has been avoiding you along with work. He didn’t reply your phone calls, nor did he listen to you when he finally picked up. He just despised you-as much as Jaejoong did-who wouldn’t, when you’ve done all this?

In the time span of these eight weeks, Yoochun has called you once. He called to inform you that he hated his life here, and thought about moving back to America to continue studying abroad. You knew it was right to let him go; but you couldn’t, not when your heart is still attached to him.

After all these years of being by yourself, you finally stumbled across a familiar concept: love. And yet, this time, you fathomed it while you ignored everything Jaejoong had contributed to you. Maybe it was in your blood to never love. Maybe fate had wanted to push the two of you apart until you could no longer stand each other. Or maybe it was you all along who was pulling the two of you apart-either way, it was ridiculous in the end.

For a while, it was wise to ignore the hallow emptiness that dwelled inside you. You had given up on your many goals, too idle to achieve any of your many dreams. You let life take you where it desired, hoping it will never lead you back into the steps of love ever again.

It has been forlorn and lonesome here without Jaejoong. It felt like a part of you has disappeared, vanishing out the door like your lover did months ago. You feel empty, broken, and yet, you feel nothing. As insane as that sounds, it was the truth for you.

You look down at your watch for the first time in hours. It was late-too late for anyone to be strolling around the streets unaccompanied at this hour. You needed somewhere to go; a home. But unfortunately, you were in lack of one at the moment. You had your small apartment to return to, but that didn’t necessarily count as a home.

Yawning, you take time to observe your surroundings, receiving every bit of midnight Incheon through your blurry vision. You come across a nightclub titled Element, its design and appearance screaming with hints of lust and sex. With not much your mind, you walk in, ignoring the angel on your shoulder than cautioned you to stop.

Thousands of bodies crashed into yours the moment you entered the tainted atmosphere. Females with slender bodies danced erotically as their male partners watched with excitement painted on their faces. You miss it: the feeling of being in one of these places. No matter how polluted the air was with beer and how sinful it was to be here, you still yearned to return to the club.

You are immediately drawn to the bar by the taste of alcohol. You order a drink-a small size at first-and enjoy, putting aside every moment that had passed by in these past months. One by one, you drank, thinking there would be tomorrow. After all, you needed to forget him, and this was one way to do so.

With the goal of wanting to erase Jaejoong from your mind, you kept drinking, the cool and refreshing flavour of alcohol never leaving your tongue. After consuming glass after glass, you started to feel puzzled, not knowing where you were and what was occurring beside you.

All you remember is tasting tears on your lips before you fell, slamming onto the nightclub’s floor as you fell unconscious.

jaejoong's lyric