a story
So here's the rough version of that story I was talking about the other day.
+++
The diner was pretty quiet when the he entered. A small family in the corner booth, a couple of college kids at the counter studying and at the very end, perched precariously on the red stool, sat who he was looking for. He stood by the door for a few moments, thinking that she hadn't changed all that much in the years since they'd last seen each other. Her hair was a little longer, maybe a shade darker as well. She seemed to have filled out a little too, which pleased him. He had always teased her she was nothing but bones and sharp angles.
"Carol?" the sound of his voice startled him, he hadn't realized he'd been standing there a touch too long. As the woman swiveled to face him, he hid a smile at the sight of a pen stuck behind her ear. "It has to be you--no one else would have pen marks on their cheek," he said pleasantly, moving toward her.
"Wha...?" automatically her hand lifted to her cheek to begin scrubbing at the mark. She scowled, turning sharply back toward the counter. "Kane Anderson what are you doing here?"
He affected a pout, but inwardly felt restless. Why all this small talk? "I used to live here. Maple Street? Not two blocks away from that...monstrosity you called a house," he gave a fake shudder before taking the stool next to her. Nodding at the waitress, Jane the same one from when he was a baby, he lounged against the counter, regarding Carol sideways.
Carol snorted, but glanced at him over her shoulder and he saw her lips twitch. Always she hid her full smile from him. "So what's the real reason you're back home Kane? I thought you had to close a deal in Malibu or something," Carol said, turning just enough to regard him and her coffee at the same time.
Kane shrugged. He always thought that she talked to his mother and sister behind his back about him, but he never could get the truth from any of them. "It closed itself honestly. The sellers were desperate to get rid of the condo--didn't even bother to negotiate a higher bid from the buyers," he explained. Wasted time. "Figured I'd come home for a vacation and maybe catch Sue's graduation."
For a moment Carol looked at him blankly, her hazel eyes losing focus as she tried to remember what he was talking about. Something else I used to love, you could always tell when she concentrated. "Oh! Jeez Sue would be old enough by now huh?" she laughed, shaking herself and giving him a rueful smile. "Didn't we just graduate?"
This time he snorted. "Yeah like eight or nine years ago," he gave her shoulder a playful shove. "We're old, over the hill! Why I found three gray hairs not even a month ago!" I miss the easy camaraderie we shared.
She rolled her eyes, tucking some hair behind her ears. "Watch out retirement homes," she muttered. For a few minutes they sat in companionable silence, Carol finishing her coffee and Kane thinking about times past.
"Carol," Kane began, frowning slightly. Get to it! "You remember in senior year when I tried to ask you out for coffee?"
Carol nodded, giving a small laugh as she looked down at her empty mug. "Yeah, told you I hated the stuff."
"I'm sorry we never got to go."
Carol sat silently for a moment, fiddling with the handle of her mug. "It wasn't the first time our plans didn't work out. That was at least attempt ten or eleven..." she shrugged. "Somethings aren't meant to be that's all." She turned towards him then and gave him a cheerful smile.
No! "Or maybe our timing was just really bad," Kane replied, taking her hands in his. "I'd really like to go out to dinner with you, while I'm in town."
Her eyes widened, but she didn't move to take back her hands. Instead she sat contemplating him, her lips twisting as she thought about what he said. "I guess so. I mean. I'm staying at my parents' house--repairs and all, they're off in Bermuda I think--but we could go out," she said pausing. "Yes I would like that Kane."
I wish...I wish... "Good!" Kane stood up suddenly, jerking Carol's hands awkwardly. "Um...right! So...I'll see you around 7? Would that be okay?" So hopeful...
Carol nodded, laughing softly as she rubbed her hands. Kane began walking towards the doors when she called out. "Kane!"
"Yes?" I wish...
"Try not to be late okay?" she laughed, smiling fully at him for the first time ever.
So beautiful...I wish...why now? Kane nodded, laughing himself as he pushed through the doors out into the mid-afternoon warmth.
+++
Pulling up to her house, Kane sang softly, waving to one of Carol's neighbors out in her yard. "However far away, I'll always love you. However long I stay, I'll always love you...Hey Carol!" he knocked on the door, more out of courtesy then anything else. Carol's parents had told him to just walk in the first time they met him. They trusted me.
"Car-rol!" he hollered, closing the door again. "Don't tell me I'm on time and you're late. The world might just end...." his words trailed off as he caught sight of her in the living room. Just a little more time!
"Mr. Anderson?" Kane shrugged the voice off, walking towards Carol. She was reclining on the sofa and he thought she might wake up at any moment to yell 'boo!' and laugh. She was always playing tricks on me.
"Mr. Anderson that is far enough." the voice insisted, arms pulling at his shoulders now to stop him.
Just one more step and he'd be able to see her. One more step before--
A wrenching pain ripped through his head, dropping him to his knees as the world shattered and faded away. "Carol!" he moaned, clutching at his head and trying to stop the pain.
Around him voices murmured and men helped him to sit back up on the table. "Mr. Anderson I'm very sorry, but we had to disconnect you," the voice from before told him, close to his ear.
"I could almost see her..." Kane whispered, tears gathering in his eyes. "Just a little longer..."
"I'm sorry Mr. Anderson but we go through this every time. You can not see what never happened," the man paused and dimly Kane recognized the voice as Dr. Snyder. "Kane, it was only your memories," Dr. Snyder said not unkindly.
Kane turned to stare at the wall beside the table he had been lying on. "Harold I just wanted more time with her," Kane said softly, wearily. "If I had known..."
Dr. Snyder sighed, patting Kane's shoulder before moving to retrieve his medical chart. "Somethings are just not meant to be."
Kane remembered the whisper of a smile Carol always had whenever they had to break a date during high school. And then, at long last, the full smile she gave him when finally things had worked out. "But why..." Kane asked to no one in particular. "Why couldn't we have just one time?"
+++
I'm fairly happy with the results. Its very rough of course, but taking into consideration what mguibord had said to me in the previous post, I wrote it in third person and tried to add little hints as to what was happening by adding Kane's running commentary about the memory in italics. The ending transition is a lot more abrupt then I want it to be, and I think I could add a few more 'comments' by Kane in there, but all in all--there you have it folks.
Lexie
+++
The diner was pretty quiet when the he entered. A small family in the corner booth, a couple of college kids at the counter studying and at the very end, perched precariously on the red stool, sat who he was looking for. He stood by the door for a few moments, thinking that she hadn't changed all that much in the years since they'd last seen each other. Her hair was a little longer, maybe a shade darker as well. She seemed to have filled out a little too, which pleased him. He had always teased her she was nothing but bones and sharp angles.
"Carol?" the sound of his voice startled him, he hadn't realized he'd been standing there a touch too long. As the woman swiveled to face him, he hid a smile at the sight of a pen stuck behind her ear. "It has to be you--no one else would have pen marks on their cheek," he said pleasantly, moving toward her.
"Wha...?" automatically her hand lifted to her cheek to begin scrubbing at the mark. She scowled, turning sharply back toward the counter. "Kane Anderson what are you doing here?"
He affected a pout, but inwardly felt restless. Why all this small talk? "I used to live here. Maple Street? Not two blocks away from that...monstrosity you called a house," he gave a fake shudder before taking the stool next to her. Nodding at the waitress, Jane the same one from when he was a baby, he lounged against the counter, regarding Carol sideways.
Carol snorted, but glanced at him over her shoulder and he saw her lips twitch. Always she hid her full smile from him. "So what's the real reason you're back home Kane? I thought you had to close a deal in Malibu or something," Carol said, turning just enough to regard him and her coffee at the same time.
Kane shrugged. He always thought that she talked to his mother and sister behind his back about him, but he never could get the truth from any of them. "It closed itself honestly. The sellers were desperate to get rid of the condo--didn't even bother to negotiate a higher bid from the buyers," he explained. Wasted time. "Figured I'd come home for a vacation and maybe catch Sue's graduation."
For a moment Carol looked at him blankly, her hazel eyes losing focus as she tried to remember what he was talking about. Something else I used to love, you could always tell when she concentrated. "Oh! Jeez Sue would be old enough by now huh?" she laughed, shaking herself and giving him a rueful smile. "Didn't we just graduate?"
This time he snorted. "Yeah like eight or nine years ago," he gave her shoulder a playful shove. "We're old, over the hill! Why I found three gray hairs not even a month ago!" I miss the easy camaraderie we shared.
She rolled her eyes, tucking some hair behind her ears. "Watch out retirement homes," she muttered. For a few minutes they sat in companionable silence, Carol finishing her coffee and Kane thinking about times past.
"Carol," Kane began, frowning slightly. Get to it! "You remember in senior year when I tried to ask you out for coffee?"
Carol nodded, giving a small laugh as she looked down at her empty mug. "Yeah, told you I hated the stuff."
"I'm sorry we never got to go."
Carol sat silently for a moment, fiddling with the handle of her mug. "It wasn't the first time our plans didn't work out. That was at least attempt ten or eleven..." she shrugged. "Somethings aren't meant to be that's all." She turned towards him then and gave him a cheerful smile.
No! "Or maybe our timing was just really bad," Kane replied, taking her hands in his. "I'd really like to go out to dinner with you, while I'm in town."
Her eyes widened, but she didn't move to take back her hands. Instead she sat contemplating him, her lips twisting as she thought about what he said. "I guess so. I mean. I'm staying at my parents' house--repairs and all, they're off in Bermuda I think--but we could go out," she said pausing. "Yes I would like that Kane."
I wish...I wish... "Good!" Kane stood up suddenly, jerking Carol's hands awkwardly. "Um...right! So...I'll see you around 7? Would that be okay?" So hopeful...
Carol nodded, laughing softly as she rubbed her hands. Kane began walking towards the doors when she called out. "Kane!"
"Yes?" I wish...
"Try not to be late okay?" she laughed, smiling fully at him for the first time ever.
So beautiful...I wish...why now? Kane nodded, laughing himself as he pushed through the doors out into the mid-afternoon warmth.
+++
Pulling up to her house, Kane sang softly, waving to one of Carol's neighbors out in her yard. "However far away, I'll always love you. However long I stay, I'll always love you...Hey Carol!" he knocked on the door, more out of courtesy then anything else. Carol's parents had told him to just walk in the first time they met him. They trusted me.
"Car-rol!" he hollered, closing the door again. "Don't tell me I'm on time and you're late. The world might just end...." his words trailed off as he caught sight of her in the living room. Just a little more time!
"Mr. Anderson?" Kane shrugged the voice off, walking towards Carol. She was reclining on the sofa and he thought she might wake up at any moment to yell 'boo!' and laugh. She was always playing tricks on me.
"Mr. Anderson that is far enough." the voice insisted, arms pulling at his shoulders now to stop him.
Just one more step and he'd be able to see her. One more step before--
A wrenching pain ripped through his head, dropping him to his knees as the world shattered and faded away. "Carol!" he moaned, clutching at his head and trying to stop the pain.
Around him voices murmured and men helped him to sit back up on the table. "Mr. Anderson I'm very sorry, but we had to disconnect you," the voice from before told him, close to his ear.
"I could almost see her..." Kane whispered, tears gathering in his eyes. "Just a little longer..."
"I'm sorry Mr. Anderson but we go through this every time. You can not see what never happened," the man paused and dimly Kane recognized the voice as Dr. Snyder. "Kane, it was only your memories," Dr. Snyder said not unkindly.
Kane turned to stare at the wall beside the table he had been lying on. "Harold I just wanted more time with her," Kane said softly, wearily. "If I had known..."
Dr. Snyder sighed, patting Kane's shoulder before moving to retrieve his medical chart. "Somethings are just not meant to be."
Kane remembered the whisper of a smile Carol always had whenever they had to break a date during high school. And then, at long last, the full smile she gave him when finally things had worked out. "But why..." Kane asked to no one in particular. "Why couldn't we have just one time?"
+++
I'm fairly happy with the results. Its very rough of course, but taking into consideration what mguibord had said to me in the previous post, I wrote it in third person and tried to add little hints as to what was happening by adding Kane's running commentary about the memory in italics. The ending transition is a lot more abrupt then I want it to be, and I think I could add a few more 'comments' by Kane in there, but all in all--there you have it folks.
Lexie