I've been postponing writing again... There seems to be so much to write about yet so little reason to bother explaining it all. Just a few days ago was the anniversary of when I first came to Smithers a year ago. Fresh out of school and all excited about the first 'real job'. I don't want to start into a long rant about my subsequent slow disillusionment, but I may as well write about things all the same!
I was really lucky with my field crew last summer. I found myself really compatible with all three of them, with Crazy German and Long Torso and D. We spent the summer in such good company and friendship that I had a hard time telling myself it was work after all. In fact, they were such great company that I didn't really miss Victoria too much. I certainly thought about people and was very glad of them visiting me, but I could take it. My work was too interesting and enjoyable and the places I was seeing for the first time were too exciting!
Then my field crew had to go there separate ways... Jane went back to SFU and Em went back to UVic. It was just D and I and at first I wondered if everything would be okay. In fact, things were more than okay as we starting seeing each other in November. But it was lonely in the autumn, and it was lonely in the winter. I miss my Jano and my Emong and suddenly almost everybody that I cared about seemed a thousand miles away (which they almost were). I am so thankful for Daniel and his kind sweet character, masked as it is behind his general cynicism and veiled hostility for the world. He has been so helpful and understanding, and also unafraid of pissing me off by not sparing me the truth when it is painful. But now my D is gone, too. His contract expired the same time as mine, but as he didn't take multiple trips home he had the time off to end a few weeks earlier than me. He stayed in Smithers for my sake for a few more weeks, but eventually he had to go home for work and for family obligations.
I don't hold anything him for leaving, we still see each other between him coming to Smithers for the weekend and me going to Terrace. In fact, I spent the long weekend staying with his family. It was a great time, I did some gardening there and helped out his grandmother pruning and planting. I walked in the hot sun and ran around in the parks with D and his two dogs. But regardless of our good intentions in seeing each he is still in Terrace and I am in Smithers, 376 km apart by Hwy 16. And that isn't ideal by any means.
I've been lucky to go home quite a bit, through no small effort on my part. When I look back on te year it seems full of comings and goings. I drove up to Smithers with Brian to move. I flew down to Victoria and flew back to Smithers at the end of the summer for some much needed Victoria time. I flew home again for Hallowe'en and my birthday and drove back with my brand new car with Lindsay along for the ride. I flew roundtrip for Christmas and New Years and lots of family time. I recently went down to Victoria when my parents drove to visit and drove back up with Emily in her car.
On all these trips I found myself trying to insert myself back into life in general as I knew it before. It was quite easy the first time in August. October was lots of fun and parties. Around Christmas time I found myself mainly seeing good old friends and family. And when I came back in May to my family living in a different house and two of my best friends away I found things very different indeed. Before D I had my fun with a boy or two, and happily got over a relationship that was lingering malignantly. But the life that I found myself missing wasn't the life that I found back in Victoria. I'm not a student anymore, and a lot of my student friends are doing much the same thing that I am. We're moving and finding new jobs and establishing lives which are inconveniently located pretty much everywhere BUT Victoria. And so I'm telling myself I'm giving up the ghost.
I started off my time here with a loaded rental truck full of stuff, and since then it has been added to. Kitchen gadgets, microwave, tv. A car and a big aquarium and a credit debt. I look at my life and it seems to be what I want. I have a good job and I respect the people that I work for. I have nice shiny things and great friends 1200 kms away. But I find my situation... lacking. I can find no better explanation. This is what I wanted, and what I wanted doesn't quite seem to sit well with me. The amazing compatibility I had before with my crew doesn't extend to the rest of the office. They are pleasant enough for sure, but that's where it ends. I have a better time joking with reception or stewardship people, and sticking to business and small-talk with the other research crew. That doesn't bode well for my general happiness at work or my future prospects of continuing.
I keep waiting for a little switch to flip over and me to realize all the good that's going on, but I'm afraid I'm still trying to find a way to reconcile my current life with the carefree Hana before graduation who's greatest fear was not getting the big late night call. The general social whoring and free time and enjoyment. I remember particularily what someone said to me while I was dating Reed. I had no financial pressure or worries, a stable home, a boy who loved me, and more social engagements than I could attend. This person said to me that he didn't want to be around when my rosy existence met the real world. And I find that statement ringing true at this time. I remember thinking at many points in the last few years that my life really couldn't be any better. That I couldn't improve on a thing. I guess I join the rest of the population in saying that now that's not the case. I just wish I knew some way to get down that road.
The change has been a good thing for in many ways, though. I am now financially independent. I am working at a job that has a future with accumulating seniority. I live in a really beautiful area that actually has FOUR seasons! It is gorgeous in the hot green summer, the oranges and yellow of autumn, the white of winter, and in the first glimmers of spring. I love the work I do. I own a car and a bike and try to best to use the latter instead of the former. I am in a relationship that is the most mature and challenging that I have ever been in. I have discovered a lot of strength in myself as a result of being on my own. I can network and smalltalk up a storm at work and make those fabled and infamous 'connections' that make the BC Public Service go round. Good thing they don't know that I just want to go home and get a hug at the end of the day.
My summer looks promising. Not as gleeful as last summer, but good all the summer. There will be work south of the Telkwas, and north of Dease Lake with helicopters and float planes!!! There is a forest ecology conference happening at UBC for three days which I have been registered for, and it gives me a good chance to come home for a few days. And best of all, the major project for the summer will be work based in the Kalum District. The Kalum District, for those not familiar with the bewildering and overlapping boundaries of the government, is based in Terrace. Terrace! So during the week I'll be eating dinner with the Macdonald's and having company in my hotel room. At this news Daniel swore for a few sentences, as he would have been very glad of the chance to work in his area. But he's doing contractor work now, and is in the same area now.
So I'm keeping optimistic about things. I'm off to run for the SMithers Relay for Life soon, I got the vaunted 1am slot. Monday morning a chunk of the research crew is heading to Terrace, and we're having a calibration/training crew en masse in the field. From there everyone but Ben (the new intern) and I are heading to Rupert and Ben and I work in Terrace until Wednesday. I'd rather work there until Friday, but I have my own non-work related reasons... I'm not going to wait for the switch to flip. I'm going to head into the field with just as much enthusiasm, and even more knowledge, than last year! And I hope that it will be just as rewarding, just in a different way.