Day 17
Dear Journal
Today I was a hidey fish and John was a cuddle fish.
Me and John got into a little pissy fit last night before bed and he told me to go away, so I went and fell asleep in the front room. When he was done with his journal he came out and carried me to bed. It was so nice to wake up in his arms and smell him first thing. It made me fall so deeply in love with him. I was so tired and happy of my newly unmedicated sleeping schedule and it felt so nice to cuddle up in bed early with my love and fall asleep.
Then, at about 1 thirty in the morning (2 hours into sleeping) John's phone rang and woke us up. His sister was crying and it was a big huge thing that she had gotten stranded at the bowling alley all alone and needed a ride home. I was SO, so so pissed at being thrown off my schedule, and at John's eagerness to rush to the rescue when none of his efforts are ever appreciated. His sister never calls to talk to him or see how he is. He's only contacted when he's needed for something. So, donning his cape, he took off to get her and bring her here so she wouldn't be alone and until they could figure out what to do. I couldn't fall asleep without him here, so I waited. He didn't take the key and so I had to open the door for them, and she just walked in without saying anything to me. No "sorry for calling in the middle of the night" or even a "hello". That made me even more upset especially when I'm not particularly fond of her attitude in general.
It took forever while John was talking to his mom figuring out what to do, and I was more miserable than I'd been in a long time in the room waiting. My eyes were burning and with every minute that passed on the clock, I grew more and more frusterated. I felt out of place in my own home with her here, and that made it even worse. I decided to jump in the bath, and while I was there John knocked on the door and told me he was leaving to take her home. I just said "hurry up" and I regretted that very much. I try to always tell him I love him and be careful when he's leaving, so the whole time he was gone I felt guilt on top of my frusteration on top of my upsetness.
I came online waiting for him, and then decided to go lay on the couch so I'd hear when he got home. While I was laying there I was in that horrible place between sleep and awake. That frusterating place where dream-thoughts seem real. I felt like I was preparing for a performance (sleeping) and that I had all these steps to do and things to get ready before I could do it. I felt like a large annoying animal with a saddle type thing on my back that I kept thinking was too big and uncomfortable to let me sleep.
He got home and we went to the room. I knew that if we started talking about it I would just let loose and we'd get in an argument, so I didn't say anything and just tried to go to bed. I couldn't get comfortable and I knew I was going to have a lot of problems falling asleep. Then he asks why I'm mad, and forces me to say and like I knew would happen, we get into a huge fight which takes even MORE time away from the time I could have used trying to sleep It was now almost four in the morning. We made up and the frusteration overwhelmed me and I started to cry which hurt my eyes even more. Then I remembered about my mom moving and that made me cry even more.
He was such a sweetheart and gave me a nice rub down and turned off the clock so I couldn't get freaked out about the time. He found a half of a soma and I took it to help me to sleep. We lay down together and I fell asleep eventually.
I woke up early this morning in a piss poor mood and with a giant headache. I was upset, but exhausted, so there was no energy to spend on upsetness. John went to cash the check at winco and it worked! He chatted up the chick there and got an application. He's trying to find a second job which will help out a lot with the bills and rent.
I got some medicine for my headache, and when it was completely gone we headed over to see my mama. We had a wonderful visit! Lots of talking. We talked about dad some (it being fathers day) and my mama really made me feel a lot better. I'm feeling better about the move having heard my mom list all the good things about it. I just know that it's gonna be hard to be so far away from her. We're going with her tomorrow to see the new house.
After that John got ready for work and we said our loving goodbyes. I watched some talk shows about racism, and thought a lot about the diversity of my family. I mean, it's really diverse when you look at it. We've got black, asian, white, and mexican. That's a lot! And I feel very lucky to be in a family that has so much variety and color in it. I think it's a good thing, and that it will be a good environment for my children to be raised around other races so that race and differences aren't a big 'deal' to them. So it's not like they'll be weird when it comes to other races when they encounter them, because they will have been raised loving them.
VJ and crystal were supposed to come over so that I could do Crystal's makeup for portfolio pics but they didn't show which was fine with me because I really wasn't feeling a hundred percent today.
John got home and we watched a few shows together. We waited because Claudia was supposed to come over, and t really disappointed me that she didn't make it. She didn't call or anything. :/ Oh well, I guess. Maybe something came up.
Well, I guess it's time for bed now. I really hope I can sleep. I'm nervous but I'm trying not to give it too much thought for fear of psyching myself out. Wish me luck!
I hope tomorrow is a good day. Ghost hunting soon! Gotta work out the details with Neener tomorrow.
Best of Stuff
Ta,
L