leave me once and ill be fine, leave me twice ill make u mine....
where to begin? this morning i went to my cousin Albert's finance Julie's bridal shower. Albert's best friend Richard's finace was there too. Im sitting there in the back corner where we sat, watching Julie open her presents. and i realized that im the only one from the french kindergarten group that is not getting married/married and has a house. Al, Rich, Amy and me have known each other since kindergarten. all our parents are french canadian and clicked right away. when St. Anne's closed down all 4 of us went to Mt. Carmel and remained good friends. of course high school came and we split but Al and Rich remained friends as did me and Amy. well years later im the loser still single living in an apt. alone.
ever since me and Josh broke up, any chance i get i go home to NH. i get out of here cause i cant do it anymore. my world is spinning in circles and i cant stop it. i dont know what to do with myself. its crazy but i seriously feel like a lil girl that needs her mommy. i cant deal with anymore pain. i feel worthless. i know i dont need someone else to make me happy. but what i dont understand is why every relationship i have last maybe a couple of months if that and then im nothin to them. Matt, Billy and Josh adored me at the beginning. there was cute text messages, there was happiness in their eyes when they saw me, there was meeting friends, sibling, and family. but then its like they get to know me and im not what they expected. and BAM! everything gets weird. slowly the invitations to come over stop. no more goin out together. no more cute texts. then its done and eventually they find someone else usually in a month or so and are happier then ever. soon Josh will find someone. i think he already has. he seriously treated me like gold. i think in his mind he had me on too high of a pedistal cause i showed one insecurity and he became a different person. so damn cold. all his friends told me how much he liked me. he would tell me im the coolest girl he ever dated. his friend texted him "dude Mel is the coolest girl u ever dated marry her." so whats wrong with me? what went wrong???
all i ever want to do is sleep but i cant sleep. i just want to be home. i want to be able to go to canada for xmas and summer like i used to. i want to be able to travel with friends. im so sick of being ditch all the time. im so sick of being ignored. im so sick of missing Garrett everytime a relationship ends. have i ever really gotten over him? some would say no. ive been searching for a geegee in every guy i go for. love for music, love for animals, support for my dreams, great with words, talent, cuddley, sweetness, passion, true love. but im disappointed everytime because ill never find another Geegee. now some stupid douche has him and has kept him from me. the only time he replys to my texts are when she's not around or he's working. "you'll always "exist" to me. its just so hard for me to keep everyone happy. you're not bothering, i just wish i could help ya out." u wanna help me out?? lose the cunt and be my friend again. i need u. i need my geegee. i still hear "hanging by a moment" and think of him. always. ive never been happier then i was in the summer of 2001. i would give anything to go back. i would give anything to go back and never screw it up. i had such potiental back then. now look at me. im goin no where. im gonna be a 50 yr old hag with animals working holidays and alone forever. if i wasnt so goddamn responsible id get in my truck and drive the fuck outta here and never look back.
so to make the day even worse, my father decides he's gonna try to convince me to move back home. my dads not very affectionate, i dont remember the last time he's told me he loves me or if he ever has. well he's standing there telling me he misses me and its not the same without me home and he's happier when the whole family is home. he goes on about how he's worried about me and he actually said "Melissa i miss you!" what the fuck! its hard enough to leave and drive back to worcester for another stupid fuckin week of work and making plans to get ditched but now my dad's got me in tears because if it wasnt for my job which gives me a great discount on vet bills and for my animals i would move home and save money. oh and the best part, when we got back from the bridal shower my mom and i were telling my dad about the shower and i forget what we started talking about but he asks me if garrett was married. what the fuck??? so yea life sucks.
if u plan to comment and tell me to cheer up and life can only get better or why dont u see a shrink and get help or blah blah blah! i dont want to fuckin hear it. dont give me advice cause i really dont want to hear it. this is me finally venting. i cant talk to anyone so i let it all out here. see me outside in the real world and ud think i was perfectly fine. im good at faking happiness and sometimes my laughs and smiles are actually real. im strong and i get through it. ill bounce back again someday.
ever since me and Josh broke up, any chance i get i go home to NH. i get out of here cause i cant do it anymore. my world is spinning in circles and i cant stop it. i dont know what to do with myself. its crazy but i seriously feel like a lil girl that needs her mommy. i cant deal with anymore pain. i feel worthless. i know i dont need someone else to make me happy. but what i dont understand is why every relationship i have last maybe a couple of months if that and then im nothin to them. Matt, Billy and Josh adored me at the beginning. there was cute text messages, there was happiness in their eyes when they saw me, there was meeting friends, sibling, and family. but then its like they get to know me and im not what they expected. and BAM! everything gets weird. slowly the invitations to come over stop. no more goin out together. no more cute texts. then its done and eventually they find someone else usually in a month or so and are happier then ever. soon Josh will find someone. i think he already has. he seriously treated me like gold. i think in his mind he had me on too high of a pedistal cause i showed one insecurity and he became a different person. so damn cold. all his friends told me how much he liked me. he would tell me im the coolest girl he ever dated. his friend texted him "dude Mel is the coolest girl u ever dated marry her." so whats wrong with me? what went wrong???
all i ever want to do is sleep but i cant sleep. i just want to be home. i want to be able to go to canada for xmas and summer like i used to. i want to be able to travel with friends. im so sick of being ditch all the time. im so sick of being ignored. im so sick of missing Garrett everytime a relationship ends. have i ever really gotten over him? some would say no. ive been searching for a geegee in every guy i go for. love for music, love for animals, support for my dreams, great with words, talent, cuddley, sweetness, passion, true love. but im disappointed everytime because ill never find another Geegee. now some stupid douche has him and has kept him from me. the only time he replys to my texts are when she's not around or he's working. "you'll always "exist" to me. its just so hard for me to keep everyone happy. you're not bothering, i just wish i could help ya out." u wanna help me out?? lose the cunt and be my friend again. i need u. i need my geegee. i still hear "hanging by a moment" and think of him. always. ive never been happier then i was in the summer of 2001. i would give anything to go back. i would give anything to go back and never screw it up. i had such potiental back then. now look at me. im goin no where. im gonna be a 50 yr old hag with animals working holidays and alone forever. if i wasnt so goddamn responsible id get in my truck and drive the fuck outta here and never look back.
so to make the day even worse, my father decides he's gonna try to convince me to move back home. my dads not very affectionate, i dont remember the last time he's told me he loves me or if he ever has. well he's standing there telling me he misses me and its not the same without me home and he's happier when the whole family is home. he goes on about how he's worried about me and he actually said "Melissa i miss you!" what the fuck! its hard enough to leave and drive back to worcester for another stupid fuckin week of work and making plans to get ditched but now my dad's got me in tears because if it wasnt for my job which gives me a great discount on vet bills and for my animals i would move home and save money. oh and the best part, when we got back from the bridal shower my mom and i were telling my dad about the shower and i forget what we started talking about but he asks me if garrett was married. what the fuck??? so yea life sucks.
if u plan to comment and tell me to cheer up and life can only get better or why dont u see a shrink and get help or blah blah blah! i dont want to fuckin hear it. dont give me advice cause i really dont want to hear it. this is me finally venting. i cant talk to anyone so i let it all out here. see me outside in the real world and ud think i was perfectly fine. im good at faking happiness and sometimes my laughs and smiles are actually real. im strong and i get through it. ill bounce back again someday.