Fic: Privacy, A Series of Scenes
Kahlan felt the heaviness of her body as it seemed to sink deeper into the mattress with every exhalation. She tried not to think about, well, a lot of things. About the smell of both Cara and herself mingled in the bedding, the fact they had both experienced pleasure there beneath the same sheets, how they would then sleep side by side through the night. She thought about how that was as close to normal as she’d ever known, more close to it than she’d ever hoped to be.
Kahlan licked her lips, which felt dry from her heavy breathing moments before, and tried to steady and slow her thinking- to drag them away from such a train of thought. The brunette was thankful for what Cara had given her tonight, both knowingly and not, but her guilt felt compounded that she still yearned for more. She wondered if this was the nature of human sexuality; that every desire sated brought forth another, rewarped and intensified, the lust ever evolving.
Her breathing had just returned to normal when she gasped-the bed beside her had dipped. Kahlan clutched the blankets tighter to her body, which was still covered in her shift and the quilt, eyes snapping open. They landed on Cara, putting her Journey Book back down on the low table next to the bed, her eyes turned to the Confessor at her sharp intake of breath.
“I didn’t mean to startle you,” She said gently, perhaps more quietly than she needed to, “I felt your release from the next room and assumed it was safe to return.” Kahlan’s throat tightened suddenly.
“You-” she began,
“Don’t worry Mother Confessor,” Cara said, just as gently, though she had a little, playful smile on her lips, “Powerful as you are, you can’t Confess me through walls.” She reminded. Kahlan blushed, her eyes dropping to the quilts as she bit her lip. “It was strange,” Cara added, her tone distant, “it was like I felt the edges of it rush just by me, like when a sword swings to close and the air is displace, and you can feel it against your face or it ruffles your hair…” the blonde just blinked and shrugged, shaking it off. “But in an odd way, I knew it was you. Besides already expecting it.”
“Did it hurt you at all?” She asked, concerned. Cara just shook her head. Kahlan sighed. When she looked back at the blonde, she saw a concerned look on her face. “What?”
“If it’s possible,” She started slowly, “You look even more off than you did before I left.” Kahlan wanted to give the impression of being insulted, but she was too tired and it was too accurate. Cara moved closer, turning more towards her. “Are you alright? Would you like more time?” Kahlan blushed profusely.
“No.” she said decidedly. Cara quirked an eyebrow. “It is not pleasant for me.” She said quietly, not wanting to look at the blonde while she tried to explain it, “My magic is not something I am proud of, like you are, or that I take pleasure in. Though my power is based in love, all this reminds me of is my own loneliness. When I release my magic and it goes into no one…” She trailed off, not sure how to articulate it to someone who could not feel it in themselves. “My body can feel it. When I Confess someone, there is a give and take; my power goes into them and returns back into me- so if I die then they are released, no matter the time or distance. But when it merely disperses?” she sighed, pulling the blankets tighter to her chest in her fisted hands. “Then there is just an emptiness where the magic used to settle. I feel the absence of love even more profoundly.”
There was a quiet that dragged on, that Kahlan could only stand for so long before she had to close her eyes. Seeing Cara at the corner of her vision, expression curious, but unchanging, and spurred on to say nothing despite never really even trying to explain her power that much to anyone before…
“Do you think it safe to sleep beside you now? Or would you still wish for me to make myself a place by the hearth?” Cara asked, casually. Kahlan looked at her. The Mord’Sith appeared calm, unworried. She knew her well enough now to know this was not some expression in place to console or comfort her.
“Would you really wish to?” Kahlan asked, disbelieving. Cara just nodded, mutely. After a moment, Kahlan scooted further over and turned onto her side facing the blonde. The Mord’Sith understood the silent invitation. She lifted the warm blankets and slid under them.
“Thank you.” She said, settling on her back, stretching for a moment. Kahlan just blushed, tucking an arm under the pillow beneath her ear.
“It is your bed, Cara.” She felt the need to remind.
“And yours, Mother Confessor,” She said as though also feeling the need to remind, though such things had never been uttered before. “For as long as this winter drags on, this bed is yours. This land is yours, this palace is yours, these rooms are yours, and this bed is yours. I am here by invitation. That you say this bed is mine is a gift. The least I can do is make you welcome in it.” Kahlan frowned.
“Cara, you don’t have to-”
“There are other beds, Mother Confessor.” Cara cut off. “Other quarters, other ways to stay warm. I wish to be in this one with you because it is where you are. I would not want you in another’s bed and I would not want another here in your place. Would you have ever entertained the notion were it not with me?” Cara asked. Kahlan thought for a moment but knew the answer; she shook her head. “Nor I, Mother Confessor.” She finished, her eyes turning towards the ceiling. “I could have just given you the room, moved the bed right up next to the fire, and found other quarters for myself. This was preferable to me, and for you as well I’d thought. Was I correct?” She asked, turning to look at the brunette.
Kahlan smiled lightly, “yes.” She said quietly, hugging the pillow a bit tighter.
“We are to one another what no one else could be in this city, perhaps in all the Midlands. So why would I leave you to another, or seek someone else when I have you?” Kahlan just smiled at her again, though it was weak; she did not want to hear the things her mind thought in response to this. “Kahlan, sexual creature or not, you are a loving woman. And even were I blind and deaf I would know you have been lonely these many years. For some reason, it seems less so when you are with me. And that I give you solace is a comfort to me as well; you have given me much since arriving here in Aydindril. You have been steadfastly with me, in everything, and not always to your advantage. The least I may do it show that I am with you as well. I am not afraid of you Confessor, I will not shy away from you. And you needn’t order me to have me follow.”
Kahlan closed her eyes as she felt the first pinpricks, the warning of gathering tears. They reopened when she felt a hand on her cheek. Cara was turned so she was facing her now.
“You are my friend Kahlan. Perhaps my only genuine one. It is a pleasure to be with you, in any way you would have me.” Kahlan closed her eyes again, turning her face into the pillow as she felt the tears starting to well. “Mord’Sith do not accept debt. Would you really deny me repaying you your friendship?”
Kahlan just could not take it anymore. She placed a hand over the one still on her cheek and pulled until she had Cara wrapped in her arms in a tight embrace. She started crying; shaky breaths, scalding tears falling from her eyes into Cara’s collarbone, and hands clutching desperately to the woman’s shift, the Confessor feeling both broken and warmed.
And Cara held her, gently, unflinchingly, and Kahlan couldn’t help but thank her daughter Lilly for the years of hugs that had taught the Mord’Sith a natural embrace. Compared to the hug they two had shared in the tomb all those years ago, it was like holding another person. A new person, her mind corrected. She felt Cara’s hands run down her back once, then back up, before moving back to let go. Kahlan fought the impulse to hold on tighter in response.
“I’m sorry,” Kahlan laughed, embarrassed, wiping her eyes, her cheeks, her nose. “I know you don’t like to be touched.”
“I welcome it, actually.” Cara assured, and Kahlan couldn’t help looking at her, to gauge her honesty. Cara seemed to sense it and smiled. “Touch reveals intention, often more clearly than spoken statements. I merely never understood why you or Richard or Zedd would feel the need to communicate certain things through touch. But,” She smirked, “I have learned to speak that language as well. And to you, Confessor, I have learned that one willing to tell you things physically means more than perhaps anything. That you would reach for me at all is, in the least, a compliment.” Kahlan gave a watery smile.
Cara moved to lay on her back once again, though her eyes never left Kahlan’s face. Her expression meant to communicate something but the Confessor didn’t understand. A minute later, her gaze still steady, Cara raised her arm, lifting the blankets over her belly. Kahlan smiled sheepishly, moving closer. She pressed herself against Cara’s side, one arm across her stomach, the other between them resting on the side of the blonde’s ribs. The Mord’Sith then laid her arm over the one spanning her stomach, just as Kahlan put her head down on her shoulder.
“Try and rest, Mother Confessor. Half the night’s gone by as it is.” She said quietly against the taller woman’s temple.
Kahlan let out a shuddering breath. No, her mind decided, this is where I’d never even hoped to be.
~ AngelicSinner / VixenRaign