some quick updates...
heres two songs i really am enjoying and that are helping me in not being so bummed out lately.also i stabbed myself with a boxcutter in the thigh at work yesterday morning.had to go get a stitch and a drug test.man one stitch and there was a hall of a lot of blood.everyone at work was kind of in shock at it and i just kept walking around like nothing.yeah it was a fun day.oh yeah i got another tattoo yesterday too.but you will have to see me to see it cuz its kinda silly.anyways heres the songs i like lately.joey you should notice the first and possibly second.josh will notice the second for sure.
"how many seconds left?
how many years?
how long remains until everything I've known
everything I've loved
anyone I've touched disappears?
there will come a day when the world will never have known
this face
this name
this body
this brain
is it any surprise that sometimes I am short of breath
that I find solace in being alone
where safe and protected with armor selected to deflect the world and to maintain control
I can lay quiet and restrained
immobilized by a threat that won't fade...
self contained self aware self absorbed self perservere
individuate to survive then isolate - try to stay alive at any cost
lost and terrified - ignoring the heart and killing the mind
unable to find real peace inside
tattoo this body and tear apart my brain
diminish the strain in any possible way
its safer to retract than act
protect intact
suppress reaction
embrace inaction
protect and defend
but still ignore the end...
i lie to myself vitally
i lie to myself
its all lies
trying to convince myself that its okay that almost having everything
meant that I never had anything at all
but i know my eyes reflect the truth
every moment counts me closer to zero and i am desperate
desperate to hold life in an embrace instead of at arms reach
i am recast and adapted by all those around me
shifted and molded into someone and something I no longer recognize
i feel linked yet alone
regret like ice piercing me
convulsions from imagining what could have been
but regardless of every hand that slips away forever
I am hoping someday to hear whispered these words in my hour of deepest pain:
You are very much so alive - In a way most people would never let themselves be
with every beat of this slowly dying heart
to make the choice
to be set free
to be here
to be with you
to be afraid
to be ignored
to be embraced
to be unsure
to be erased
to be touched
to be shared
to be damned
to be scared
to be shunned
to be absorbed
to be wanted
absolved
unloved
to be unknown
to be inescapable
to be in awe
to want it all
to have it now
to be alive"
"You can walk away whenever you want,
But don't expect me to be here
When you decide that you are coming back.
But I'd rather stop talking to anyone but you.
Until then my world is standing still.
You think I am at a loss but I am not afraid to be alone anymore.
The time moves on like pieces of my past,
Never to look back again.
I know what we shared and what it all meant,
But I am never looking back.
Although I keep trying to come up with the words to say to you,
I'm not trying to win you back.
There's only so much one person can take,
But if you think I can't take this, you are so wrong.
But I am not afraid.
I won't give in."
"how many seconds left?
how many years?
how long remains until everything I've known
everything I've loved
anyone I've touched disappears?
there will come a day when the world will never have known
this face
this name
this body
this brain
is it any surprise that sometimes I am short of breath
that I find solace in being alone
where safe and protected with armor selected to deflect the world and to maintain control
I can lay quiet and restrained
immobilized by a threat that won't fade...
self contained self aware self absorbed self perservere
individuate to survive then isolate - try to stay alive at any cost
lost and terrified - ignoring the heart and killing the mind
unable to find real peace inside
tattoo this body and tear apart my brain
diminish the strain in any possible way
its safer to retract than act
protect intact
suppress reaction
embrace inaction
protect and defend
but still ignore the end...
i lie to myself vitally
i lie to myself
its all lies
trying to convince myself that its okay that almost having everything
meant that I never had anything at all
but i know my eyes reflect the truth
every moment counts me closer to zero and i am desperate
desperate to hold life in an embrace instead of at arms reach
i am recast and adapted by all those around me
shifted and molded into someone and something I no longer recognize
i feel linked yet alone
regret like ice piercing me
convulsions from imagining what could have been
but regardless of every hand that slips away forever
I am hoping someday to hear whispered these words in my hour of deepest pain:
You are very much so alive - In a way most people would never let themselves be
with every beat of this slowly dying heart
to make the choice
to be set free
to be here
to be with you
to be afraid
to be ignored
to be embraced
to be unsure
to be erased
to be touched
to be shared
to be damned
to be scared
to be shunned
to be absorbed
to be wanted
absolved
unloved
to be unknown
to be inescapable
to be in awe
to want it all
to have it now
to be alive"
"You can walk away whenever you want,
But don't expect me to be here
When you decide that you are coming back.
But I'd rather stop talking to anyone but you.
Until then my world is standing still.
You think I am at a loss but I am not afraid to be alone anymore.
The time moves on like pieces of my past,
Never to look back again.
I know what we shared and what it all meant,
But I am never looking back.
Although I keep trying to come up with the words to say to you,
I'm not trying to win you back.
There's only so much one person can take,
But if you think I can't take this, you are so wrong.
But I am not afraid.
I won't give in."