shards of broken hearts
I think one of the hardest things in life is knowing that your world has fallen apart, and it's all your fault. One of those unforgetable times when you knew the right thing, and ignored it.
I feel like I have nothing left.And for the first time in a long time, I seriously want to die, and make it all stop. I'm tired of hurting ppl, and being hurt myself. And it seems like I've been doing so much wrong lately, everyone would be better off with out me. I'm not saying that for pity because it's really how I feel. Besides that, I'm waiting for something....a miracle maybe??
For some reason, I felt I had to contact my father. Idk why, but I have to. I don't know what I'm expecting out of this, or if I should expect anything. Maybe at some point he felt as lost and alone as I do now....maybe he felt like even god had turned his back on him.
I've cried so much, I have no more tears. And I'm far past the point of deserving them. It's a horrible feeling. shattering.
For all this time
For all our smiles, all our tears, all our pain, and all our joy
For that happy once upon a time.
For the day I met you
For the beginning.
For the end.
For the times you called me your friend
For what we lost
For reasons why
For reasons to or not to cry
For what you hear, and what you see
For the guilt inside of me
For one last moment, pretend you're listening
Because I'm sorry. Such a meaningless word. But can't desribe what I'm feeling; how you'r feeling. It can't discribe that every wondering thought is that you're gone, and I drove you off. It can't desribe how suddenly I have tears again. It can't desribe how wrong I feel, how horrible and stupid and mean, and useless. It can't describe the cold pain, or the trembling as I type. It can't desribe how every breath lingers on that trembling thought of you, the haunting fear of being cast away from all but sin and hell and nightmarish memories. But I am sorry. For as much as I can mean it, I am.
But what good does it do me now?? Every shallow breath makes me hate myself more and more because I had to be defiant. I had to do this and do that, and never thought of the consequences. I'm sick of being a dorrmat, but I'm sick of all the pain. Just Make it stop. With everything I have, I wish this all would end. I feel so lost. And cold. And alone.
So Allison, and "queen" of the french horns, I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be. But is that really my place? I keep trying to make other ppl happy, and once I finally decide to just screw the whole thing, all hell breaks loose. And I'm just waiting for it to be over....when it's barely began.
It feels so hopeless, like never before.
I feel like I have nothing left.And for the first time in a long time, I seriously want to die, and make it all stop. I'm tired of hurting ppl, and being hurt myself. And it seems like I've been doing so much wrong lately, everyone would be better off with out me. I'm not saying that for pity because it's really how I feel. Besides that, I'm waiting for something....a miracle maybe??
For some reason, I felt I had to contact my father. Idk why, but I have to. I don't know what I'm expecting out of this, or if I should expect anything. Maybe at some point he felt as lost and alone as I do now....maybe he felt like even god had turned his back on him.
I've cried so much, I have no more tears. And I'm far past the point of deserving them. It's a horrible feeling. shattering.
For all this time
For all our smiles, all our tears, all our pain, and all our joy
For that happy once upon a time.
For the day I met you
For the beginning.
For the end.
For the times you called me your friend
For what we lost
For reasons why
For reasons to or not to cry
For what you hear, and what you see
For the guilt inside of me
For one last moment, pretend you're listening
Because I'm sorry. Such a meaningless word. But can't desribe what I'm feeling; how you'r feeling. It can't discribe that every wondering thought is that you're gone, and I drove you off. It can't desribe how suddenly I have tears again. It can't desribe how wrong I feel, how horrible and stupid and mean, and useless. It can't describe the cold pain, or the trembling as I type. It can't desribe how every breath lingers on that trembling thought of you, the haunting fear of being cast away from all but sin and hell and nightmarish memories. But I am sorry. For as much as I can mean it, I am.
But what good does it do me now?? Every shallow breath makes me hate myself more and more because I had to be defiant. I had to do this and do that, and never thought of the consequences. I'm sick of being a dorrmat, but I'm sick of all the pain. Just Make it stop. With everything I have, I wish this all would end. I feel so lost. And cold. And alone.
So Allison, and "queen" of the french horns, I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be. But is that really my place? I keep trying to make other ppl happy, and once I finally decide to just screw the whole thing, all hell breaks loose. And I'm just waiting for it to be over....when it's barely began.
It feels so hopeless, like never before.