Walking on egg shells
I am updating this to just fill in those who give a crap about whats going on with me. I've decided to get out more and DO things, so I've gone back to working out. I feel so good now that I'm doing it. There is another happy thing, but I'll tell ya when/if you ask me about it. I know that me having an online journal has caused a lot of problems for me, but I'm not getting rid of it. You don't have to read it if you don't care what's going on in my life, right? Now I need to find someone who would be interested in a couple of autographed pictures and one very expensive autograph that I've framed because knowing me, I'd do something bad to it. And then I'd be pissed at myself because I spent over 300 dollars on it. Why? I thought I was being nice. I wanted to do something nice. But, for now, its here and I'll be keeping it until someone shows they want it. Actually, I shouldn't say that I'm looking for someone who would be interested in it because I did buy them for one certain person, but I don't know when they will want them. But feel free to ask what I bought! LOL I'm not going to try to re-sell them on Ebay. (one of them I can't...it was in the description that it can't be done or they'd bring charges against the winner, whatever the hell that means) Also, I would like all of my friends who read this to let me know via email or even here if I can use your name or if there is a nickname I can use so you know I'm talking about you.And if I'm talking about you, it would be about something that is ok to post. I'm not going to post even the most general things so that others can "guess" what I'm talking about. I would only talk about you in good terms, like "I hung out with....and we...." or whatever.Or hell, maybe I'll even just ask you if I can post something in my journal. Or I just won't talk about anyone in here. At least with no names. That could be interesting. I don't want to piss off anyone else. Oh! I heard back from my internship manager and she said that there is room for me and they actually NEED my help with their GIS system. No, its not a job. They don't even have money in the budget for interns for at least 2 years, but when I emailed her to ask if there was anything I could do at the office, I said I'd do it for free. I just want to be back in the office and working with them and doing stuff to perk up my resume and keep up in my field. My dad thought I was crazy when I told him there's no money involved in it, but he understands why I want to do it. And its only a few hours a week. I set them myself. Made a new friend the other day and he came by last night. He's really cool and we had fun hanging out last night. I'm hoping that it works out as a good friendship. NOT A RELATIONSHIP! I'm not looking for one. I kinda have one. No, not with Matt.(I don't mind using his name cuz I know he'll never look in here and I think others should know that if they get involved with him, they should be forewarned that he is a MAJOR player and doesn't deserve an once of your time. He doesn't care about anyone but himself and he does not care how much pain he puts you through. So, yes, he is a total ASSHOLE.) With someone else. I'm sure it is a huge mistake, but I'm happy, so incredibly happy right now, that I am not thinking about the possible future heartbreak that will probably come. And I know that if/when that comes, I can't turn to any of my friends because I already know that this is probably a mistake for me to be doing, and who is going to want to hear me be upset over something I did to myself? Does that make any sense to you? If anyone is reading this. I know I have to be careful with this friendship/relationship. For so many reasons. But he and I have a history together, and some of it is really good, so that can't be bad, right? (And for those of you thinking I'm REALLY stupid, No, it is NOT the jackass from the incident last August!!) And hey, guess what?? I DID learn something from that time I had with Matt. I'm more in control of this. Well, at least some control over it. Some of it I can't do anything about and I've chosen to live with it. I'm HAPPY. H-A-P-P-Y!!!! Isn't that what's important? With the roller coaster I've been on for the past 2 weeks, I'm just glad I can be happy. I can be happy for me. ME.
I am confused about something, though. You know how I feel about pictures. Have to have them all around me. So, should I take them down? Should I ignore all those memories? I don't want to, hell no, but it hurts to see them, too. See where the confusion comes in? I know at some point its all coming down though. Looks like I'm moving. Not for a while, but its pretty damn definite. Don't worry, I'll keep my friends informed where I am and I won't lose touch with anyone and I'm not moving that far away. And it has nothing to do with the new guy. It has to do with my dad's job. The company is moving to North Stonington, CT. and doesn't want to commute. However, the houses he's been looking at are WAAAAYYYY out of our price range. And the earliest we'd move is in another year. So, don't freak out.It's not a big deal right now. Like something "in the works". And I know one of you probably doesn't care where I end up living, right? No, I'm not being a bitch. I'm just hurt.
Just got off the phone with "Short Stuff", the first one to want a nickname, so I have to go back through and change some of the entries. Thank god for her. THANK GOD. Off to make another call. Well that was quick. She wasn't there. Okay, back to the moving thing. Like I said, it won't be until next year. Hopefully by then a lot of these issues will be worked out.The thought that they may not be for that long kills me. I don't want to not have "you" in my life. ("You" know who you are, I'd hope so by now!) Of course, maybe by then I'll have moved somewhere else. You know, up until just a few days ago, the thought of moving away terrified me. I'm sure there's still this connection to my parents that I've always had and always will have. They have stood by me when a lot of others turned their backs. I even had actual schoolitis. I HATED being away from my mom in elementary school, so I would go, wait until the end of the National Anthem, and then go to the nurse's office and go home. And when I went away to Plymouth, I missed my parents alot, even had homesickness for a while, but was lucky to meet some really great friends who helped me through it. ALL of my friends helped me. Even those who graduated in 2002. Tonight was the first time that my dad and I really talked about the fact that we'd be moving. He was talking about what needs to be done to the house before we put it up for sale. It came from nowhere in the conversation we were having, but at least he mentioned it. Of course, anyone keeping up with the news about his company knows that we have NO IDEA what is going on. At first, they were going to move to the Quonset/Davisville industrial area. Then, they weren't. Then the government decided that they aren't going to budget the money to keep the company here. There goes 270 jobs for this state. Luckily, Dad isn't one of them. I just hope they don't move the company any further than CT.(Michigan and California were mentioned) I don't want to be that far away from my mom and my friends here. Yes, I still consider you a friend. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life without you in it. I really can't. I'm sorry. I hope that isn't crossing the line, but its what I'M feeling and is MY thought.
Yeah, I know I'm all over the place with this entry. Gee, I hope no one thinks thats because I can't keep my thoughts straight. Because that's not it. It's just that I've stayed away from my journal for a while through the worst of my rollercoaster ride in fear of saying something that would get me in trouble. And I don't want to do that, to anyone. And I might be repeating myself, and if so, sorry. If you're taking the time to read this, then I appriciate it. There's a lot going on in my head and things keep coming up. I do have a diary to write this stuff in, something that I got for my birthday that was supposed to be used to share with someone else. But I don't see how that can happen anymore, and I wouldn't put my true feelings in it right now. I'm not even putting my TRUE feelings in here. I'm keeping them to myself. Well, no, that's a lie. "Short Stuff" knows whats going on with me. (NO, she does NOT know what is going on with other people, JUST ME!) It's weird how much stuff she and I are both going through right now. So much of it is the same, with some minor differences. But the major meaning of it is there. Yup, I know this makes NO sense to you guys. LOL I'm SORRY! I don't mean to confuse my friends who would be reading this who care. Just remember, you can always email me and/or call me to get things explained. Of course, things that I CAN explain. Some of it I'm not sharing with anyone(about other people). Its no one's business. You know what sucks? After the "incident" back over the summer, I went through these periods of hating being in my room, then being ok with it, then not, to the point where from just before Thanksgiving until after the New Year I didn't even sleep in here. I slept out on the couch in my family room or upstairs in the back room next to Dad's room. Finally, I'm ok/happy/whatever to be in my room, because I have been able to move on to a new "level" of dealing with what happened. And now, I'm in here, and I have all these reminders of other things that hurt, too. LOL. I should just strip this place down, repaint the whole thing, and burn my pictures. No. I would NEVER do that. Y'all know how much my pictures mean to me!! (Just tried to IM Matt....let's see if he's going to ignore me again....I'm assuming all signs point to "No") I worked so hard on all these collages, too. I don't want to change them. I really don't want to get rid of any of the pictures. I don't want to "wipe out" my past. Others might want to. I can't say anything about that. But my past has made me who I am today. All the mistakes I've made, all the right choices I've made, well.....that has made me. Some people think that who I am is the medications I'm on. I do have to put something in here that I NEED an answer to. "Someone" said to me that "everybody has noticed it", but won't tell me who "everybody" is. WHO IS "EVERYBODY"??? Cuz I haven't seen many people, so that would mean that these "everybody"'s are only getting one side of the story. And that hurts. I guess I just don't know what's really going on and I have a feeling I won't get answers for a very long time. I guess this is long enough. I'll post it now and see if anyone replies. And I hope a certain someone does.
I am confused about something, though. You know how I feel about pictures. Have to have them all around me. So, should I take them down? Should I ignore all those memories? I don't want to, hell no, but it hurts to see them, too. See where the confusion comes in? I know at some point its all coming down though. Looks like I'm moving. Not for a while, but its pretty damn definite. Don't worry, I'll keep my friends informed where I am and I won't lose touch with anyone and I'm not moving that far away. And it has nothing to do with the new guy. It has to do with my dad's job. The company is moving to North Stonington, CT. and doesn't want to commute. However, the houses he's been looking at are WAAAAYYYY out of our price range. And the earliest we'd move is in another year. So, don't freak out.It's not a big deal right now. Like something "in the works". And I know one of you probably doesn't care where I end up living, right? No, I'm not being a bitch. I'm just hurt.
Just got off the phone with "Short Stuff", the first one to want a nickname, so I have to go back through and change some of the entries. Thank god for her. THANK GOD. Off to make another call. Well that was quick. She wasn't there. Okay, back to the moving thing. Like I said, it won't be until next year. Hopefully by then a lot of these issues will be worked out.The thought that they may not be for that long kills me. I don't want to not have "you" in my life. ("You" know who you are, I'd hope so by now!) Of course, maybe by then I'll have moved somewhere else. You know, up until just a few days ago, the thought of moving away terrified me. I'm sure there's still this connection to my parents that I've always had and always will have. They have stood by me when a lot of others turned their backs. I even had actual schoolitis. I HATED being away from my mom in elementary school, so I would go, wait until the end of the National Anthem, and then go to the nurse's office and go home. And when I went away to Plymouth, I missed my parents alot, even had homesickness for a while, but was lucky to meet some really great friends who helped me through it. ALL of my friends helped me. Even those who graduated in 2002. Tonight was the first time that my dad and I really talked about the fact that we'd be moving. He was talking about what needs to be done to the house before we put it up for sale. It came from nowhere in the conversation we were having, but at least he mentioned it. Of course, anyone keeping up with the news about his company knows that we have NO IDEA what is going on. At first, they were going to move to the Quonset/Davisville industrial area. Then, they weren't. Then the government decided that they aren't going to budget the money to keep the company here. There goes 270 jobs for this state. Luckily, Dad isn't one of them. I just hope they don't move the company any further than CT.(Michigan and California were mentioned) I don't want to be that far away from my mom and my friends here. Yes, I still consider you a friend. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life without you in it. I really can't. I'm sorry. I hope that isn't crossing the line, but its what I'M feeling and is MY thought.
Yeah, I know I'm all over the place with this entry. Gee, I hope no one thinks thats because I can't keep my thoughts straight. Because that's not it. It's just that I've stayed away from my journal for a while through the worst of my rollercoaster ride in fear of saying something that would get me in trouble. And I don't want to do that, to anyone. And I might be repeating myself, and if so, sorry. If you're taking the time to read this, then I appriciate it. There's a lot going on in my head and things keep coming up. I do have a diary to write this stuff in, something that I got for my birthday that was supposed to be used to share with someone else. But I don't see how that can happen anymore, and I wouldn't put my true feelings in it right now. I'm not even putting my TRUE feelings in here. I'm keeping them to myself. Well, no, that's a lie. "Short Stuff" knows whats going on with me. (NO, she does NOT know what is going on with other people, JUST ME!) It's weird how much stuff she and I are both going through right now. So much of it is the same, with some minor differences. But the major meaning of it is there. Yup, I know this makes NO sense to you guys. LOL I'm SORRY! I don't mean to confuse my friends who would be reading this who care. Just remember, you can always email me and/or call me to get things explained. Of course, things that I CAN explain. Some of it I'm not sharing with anyone(about other people). Its no one's business. You know what sucks? After the "incident" back over the summer, I went through these periods of hating being in my room, then being ok with it, then not, to the point where from just before Thanksgiving until after the New Year I didn't even sleep in here. I slept out on the couch in my family room or upstairs in the back room next to Dad's room. Finally, I'm ok/happy/whatever to be in my room, because I have been able to move on to a new "level" of dealing with what happened. And now, I'm in here, and I have all these reminders of other things that hurt, too. LOL. I should just strip this place down, repaint the whole thing, and burn my pictures. No. I would NEVER do that. Y'all know how much my pictures mean to me!! (Just tried to IM Matt....let's see if he's going to ignore me again....I'm assuming all signs point to "No") I worked so hard on all these collages, too. I don't want to change them. I really don't want to get rid of any of the pictures. I don't want to "wipe out" my past. Others might want to. I can't say anything about that. But my past has made me who I am today. All the mistakes I've made, all the right choices I've made, well.....that has made me. Some people think that who I am is the medications I'm on. I do have to put something in here that I NEED an answer to. "Someone" said to me that "everybody has noticed it", but won't tell me who "everybody" is. WHO IS "EVERYBODY"??? Cuz I haven't seen many people, so that would mean that these "everybody"'s are only getting one side of the story. And that hurts. I guess I just don't know what's really going on and I have a feeling I won't get answers for a very long time. I guess this is long enough. I'll post it now and see if anyone replies. And I hope a certain someone does.