How I feel about Matt
I care very deeply for him, he is special to me, and I think he could be my best friend. I lust for him and would love to see him in real time to know where we stand. He (usually) makes me happy. He makes me laugh and makes me want to be a better person. I know I could easily fall in love with him, both as a best friend and/or as a lover. He is sweet to me, but then I learn that he is saying things to me just to make me happy. So how should I know what is real and what is not. The LAST thing I need in my life is another player. I don't need someone who is going to lie to me to get what they want or play fucking mind games with me. I thought I was better than that. I thought I deserved better than that!!! Maybe I don't. I thought that with all these changes I've been making in my life I was going to get a guy in my life who was going to be different to reflect the positive changes in my life. Being single for a while? Hey, I'm getting fucking sick of it! I want a guy in my life who is there for ME. Maybe I should have just stuck it out with Toby. At least with him, I knew that he loved me. Although he got over me pretty damn quick, so maybe that was just a 5 year lie. And I don't know where the hell I stand with my REAL best friend. The only good thing I can say right now is that I was talking to Dani last night and I asked her straight up who her best friend is and she said, "Duh...its you". So that made me feel a little better. Of course, i don't think I can call her right now. She has to work in the morning. And here I was, making Matt out to be the perfect guy for me. Hans, if you DID have a hand in this, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME????? WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS TO PLAY SOME SORT OF SICK JOKE ON ME?? I know, I dive in head first for a guy. Used to work for me. My life is so messed up right now. I hurt so much. Did I mention he doesn't want to come out here??? At least, not yet, that is. After I tell him I'LL pay for his tickets. I don't know what to do right now. The hurt pouring through me is so deep. And we aren't even "breaking up or over". We're just talking about "stuff". I need to know that I matter to SOMEONE right now. Its not that I NEED a boyfriend in my life right now. I think I just miss Hans SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much right now that I need a best guy friend again. The last one I had, well, he fucked me up pretty bad. My friends know what I'm talking about. And he really wasn't my BEST guy friend. He was just the only guy in my life I had any kind of relationship with. Too bad all it was was sex. Which he took advantage of. Is it too much to ask for to have a guy friend in my life who can love me (on that level) and TELL me that he loves me (on that level), who wants to be there for me, to care about me, to want to know and CARE about whats going on in my life? Why me?? WHY ME???? And why do I have a feeling that by the time Matt and I are done talking tonight I'll be posting on here again? I wish I could just scream as loud as humanly possible???! God it hurts so much!!!!!! =o( So much pain....